Building Blocks
to Resiliency Series:
Building Resilience to Shame
RAFT VIRTUAL TRAINING WORKBOOK
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ABOUT RAFT
RAFT supports organizations and advocates to cultivate human-centered workspaces
through foundational wellness practices, resources, and training to build resilience
and promote a healthier gender-based violence advocacy ecosystem.
VIRTUAL TRAINING OBJECTIVES
In this 2-hour workshop you will learn how to identify and deal with shame to improve
your well-being and build resilience.
You will:
★ Identify Triggers and Sources of Shame
★ Practice Critical Awareness
★ Understand the Difference between Shame and Guilt
★ Name Your Trusted Network
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Resilience Denition 3
The Difference Between Shame and Guilt 4
Building Shame Resilience 5
Identify Shame in Your Body 6
Building Your Trusted Network 7
RAFT Resources 8
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Resilience Definition
According to the American Psychological Association, Psychologists dene resilience
as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats
or signicant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious
health problems, or workplace and nancial stressors.
While these adverse events are certainly painful and difcult, they do not have to
determine the outcome of your life. There are many aspects of your life you can
control, modify, and grow with. That is the role of resilience. Becoming more resilient
not only helps you get through difcult circumstances, but it also empowers you to
grow and even improve your life along the way.
Understanding resilience as a practical process that involves behaviors, thoughts, and
actions, means that anyone can learn to develop resilience.
Reection:
Using the denition of resilience, what is a light to medium story of when you were
resilient and adapted in a challenging situation?
Example: I had to miss a full workday to stay home sick. The whole time I thought
about what I was missing at the ofce. I still don’t feel fully rested, but I’ve received
multiple emails and text messages from my supervisor/coworkers needing my help at
work. In some cases, I would call back immediately and even try to work from home,
but this time, I’m taking off tomorrow too. This is my commitment to taking care of
my health.
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The Difference Between Shame and Guilt
Dr. Brene Brown, research professor and expert leader in the study of courage,
vulnerability, shame, and empathy, provides the following denitions:
Shame:
Shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are awed
and therefore unworthy of acceptance, love, and belonging. Shame is a fear of
disconnection.
Shame says, “I am bad.”
Guilt:
Guilt is a remorseful awareness of having done something wrong. Guilt is
uncomfortable but helpful as you can heal from and change when you do something
bad by apologizing, communicating, and using empathy.
Guilt says, “I have done something bad.”
The difference between shame and guilt is a difference between “being” something
negative and “doing” something negative.
“I am a mistake” is shame.
“I made a mistake” is guilt.
Reection:
How are feelings of guilt or shame affecting you uniquely right now?
Example: I am working from home right now, but my partner is working on location.
Even though I am working hard all day I feel like I am lazy because I am not doing
more around the house. I feel like I am a bad partner.
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Building Shame Resilience
Shame Resilience Denition
According to Dr. Brene Brown, we cannot become resistant to shame or get rid
of it all together, but we can develop shame resilience: The ability to recognize
shame when we experience it and move through it in a constructive way that allows
us to maintain our authenticity and grow from our experiences. In the process of
consciously moving through our shame, we can build stronger and more meaningful
connections with the people in our lives.
Empathy is the strongest antidote for shame. Empathy is the ability to understand,
be aware of, be sensitive to, and vicariously experience the feelings, thoughts, and
experiences of another.
According to Dr. Brown, the opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing empathy.
In her research, people with the highest levels of shame resilience were both givers
and receivers of empathy.
Critical awareness
Dened as knowing why something exists, how it works, how our society is impacted
by it, and who benets from it. Critical awareness increases our personal power in
three ways by giving you the ability to:
★ Contextualize – see the big picture.
★ Normalize – realize you are not alone or the only one.
★ Demystify – understand shame source and share with others.
To identify your shame triggers answer these questions:
I want to be perceived as:
Example: I want to be perceived as wise, loving, strong, intelligent.
I do not want to be perceived as:
Example: I do not want to be perceived as impatient, angry, out of control,
boring.
What do these perceptions mean to you?
Why are they so unwanted?
Where did the messages that fuel these identities come from?
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Activity:
Identify categories where you feel or experience shame. Who and what cause you to
experience shame, and why do they cause shame?
Examples: parents, social groups, media, appearance, sexual preference, race, trauma
Who
What
Why
I physically feel shame in or on my:
Shame feels like:
I know I’m ashamed when I feel:
If I could taste shame, it would taste like:
If I could smell shame, it would smell like:
If I could touch shame, it would feel like:
If I could see shame, it would look like:
Identify Shame in Your Body
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Contradictions of Placing shame
We often feel conicting expectations of who we are supposed to be and what and
how we are supposed to be. For example, look “hot” but effortlessly. Be condent in
yourself, but don’t brag. Be in touch with your feelings, but don’t let your emotions
bother others. Reaching all these goals is unattainable, which is frustrating. We can
move through these feelings in a constructive way and maintain our authenticity by
focusing our efforts on what we have control over – what we can change, modify, and
grow with.
Reaching out and experiencing empathy is an important part of shame resiliency. It
requires that you choose to share your story and create change over separating and
isolating yourself. In doing so, connections are built, and we start to see that we all
experience challenges and need support. When reaching out and sharing your story it
is important to do so with someone you trust. Who should you reach out to?
Journal:
To help you recognize who is in your trusted network write down:
Note: Some people may t in more than one category.
Some people you love may not t in any of these categories.
Three People at
Work you can
connect with:
Three People
who share your
worldview:
Three People you
can call when
having a hard time:
Building Your Trusted Network
