Hidden No More: Moving from Shame to Whole-Hearted Living

Workshop on Shame and Whole Hearted Living, with Kate Thieda

2/22/2016

UNC School of Social Work Clinical Lecture Series

Hidden No More:

Moving from Shame to

Wholehearted Living

Kate Thieda, MS, LPC, NCC

kate.thieda@duke.edu

February 22, 2016

UNC School of Social Work Clinical Lecture Series

Hello! Glad You’re Here!

What are we going to talk about today?

•Shame: definitions, how shame shows

up in the clinical setting, and teaching

shame resilience, empathy, and self-

compassion

•Wholehearted living: what it is, what

gets in the way, and the 10 Guideposts

Brené Brown and Shame Research

• Research professor at the University of Houston

Graduate School of Social Work

• Published I Thought It Was Just Me, But It Isn’t in 2007

• First became widely known after her TEDx Houston talk

in 2010, “The Power of Vulnerability”, went viral

• Published The Gifts of Imperfection in 2010

• Connections curriculum

• Published Daring Greatly in 2012

• The Daring Way™ curriculum

• Published Rising Strong in 2015

• Rising Strong curriculum

• COURAGEworks online curriculum in 2016

What is Shame?

Shame is the intensely painful

feeling or experience of believing

we are flawed and therefore

unworthy of love and belonging.

Shame, Shame, Go Away

• Everyone has it – it is our most

primitive human affect.

• No one wants to talk about it.

• The less we talk about it, the more

we have it. If you “don’t do shame,”

shame will “do” you.

• Shame hates words wrapped

around it.

How Shame Grows

Shame is a social concept. Shame

happens between people and heals

between people.

Shame needs three things to grow

exponentially:

• Secrecy

• Silence

• Judgment

Workshop on Shame and Whole Hearted Living, with Kate Thieda

2/22/2016

UNC School of Social Work Clinical Lecture Series

Definitions

• Shame: “I am bad.” Focus on self, not behavior,

with the result that we feel alone. Shame is

never known to lead us toward positive

change.

• Guilt: “I did something bad.” Focus on behavior.

Guilt has the potential to motivate us toward

positive change.

• Embarrassment: fleeting, sometimes funny. “I

know I am not alone - it could have happened

to someone else.”

• Humiliation: the variable that differentiates

humiliation is: “Did I deserve this?”

Shame in the Clinical Office

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Eating disorders

• Infidelity

• Addiction

• Appearance /

body image

• Money

• Work

• Family

• Parenting

• Sex

• Aging

• Religion

• Surviving

trauma

Clues to Shame in the Room

•“Negative tapes” or “gremlins”

•Keeping secrets - from you, from others

•Doing the same negative behavior

repeatedly

•Avoiding or minimizing a topic that

causes pain

•People-pleasing

•Aggression, anger

Women and Shame

Shame is...

• when you are anything less than

“perfect”

• being judged by other mothers

• being exposed

• never “good enough”

• when you can’t pull off looking like it is

all under control

• “never enough”

• having no seat at the “cool table”

Men and Shame

Shame is...

• failure

• being wrong

• a sense of being defective

• when people think you are “soft”

• revealing a weakness

• showing fear

• being seen as “the guy you can shove up

against the lockers”

• being criticized or ridiculed

You try it

• Shame is….

Workshop on Shame and Whole Hearted Living, with Kate Thieda

2/22/2016

UNC School of Social Work Clinical Lecture Series

I get it, shame is bad.

Now, what do I do to help

clients deal with it?

• Awareness  Shame resilience

• Empathy

• Self-compassion

Shame Resilience

Shame resilience is the ability to...

•practice authenticity when experiencing

shame

•move through the experience without

sacrificing our values

•come out the other side with more courage,

compassion, and connection than we had

going into it

Shame resistance is not possible - it will only

further the disconnection between people

and encourage shame to grow.

Teaching Clients

Shame Resilience

Three steps to becoming shame resilient:

•Recognizing shame and understanding

its triggers

•Practicing critical awareness

•Reaching out and speaking shame

Step 1:

Recognizing Shame and

Understanding Its Triggers

•“Shame is biology and biography.”

•Learning to physically recognize when

you are in the grips of shame, feel your

way through it, and figure out what

messages and expectations triggered it

Questions to Ask Clients

•What does “shame” mean to you?

•What are some of your physical symptoms

that let you know you are experiencing

shame?

•When you feel shame, do you:

•Go quiet and disappear? (moving away)

•Do whatever the other person wants in

order to make the shame stop or

disappear? (moving towards)

•Go on the attack, trying to make someone

else feel bad? (moving against)

Step 2:

Practicing Critical Awareness

•Reality-checking the messages and

expectations that are driving shame

•Are the messages what YOU want to

be or what you think OTHERS

want/need from you?

Workshop on Shame and Whole Hearted Living, with Kate Thieda

2/22/2016

UNC School of Social Work Clinical Lecture Series

Questions to Ask Clients

•What were the messages you got as a child

from loved ones or people who were

important to you?

•When you hear a “gremlin” in your head, are

you hearing someone else’s voice? Who?

Why?

•Ideal identities: I want to be seen as

___________

•Unwanted identities: I do not want to be

seen as ___________

Step 3:

Reaching Out and Speaking Shame

•Owning and sharing your story

•Connection is critical (and often difficult

for clients)

•Asking for what you need

Questions to Ask Clients

•Does anyone else know your story?

•Who is someone safe with whom you can

share your story? How do you know this is a

safe person?

•When might be a good opportunity to talk to

this person to share your story?

•If there isn’t anyone you can talk to, how

might you connect with others who have had

similar experiences?

•What do you need from others right now?

Who is capable of giving that to you?

Shame and Empathy

•Shame results in fear, blame (of self or

others), and disconnection.

•Empathy is the most powerful antidote to

shame.

•Clients need to understand the difference

between empathy and sympathy because

empathy heals shame while sympathy

reinforces it.

Empathy

1. Perspective taking

2. Staying out of judgment

3. recognizing emotions in other people and

4. communicating emotion, or feeling with

people

Theresa Wiseman

Self-Compassion

• Kristin Neff, PhD is an associate professor human

development and culture at the University of

Texas at Austin, and a leading researcher on self-

compassion.

• We are generally fine with giving compassion to

others, but typically not so good in being

compassionate towards ourselves.

Workshop on Shame and Whole Hearted Living, with Kate Thieda

2/22/2016

UNC School of Social Work Clinical Lecture Series

Three Elements of

Self-Compassion

•Self-kindness

•Common humanity

•Mindfulness

Self-Kindness

Being warm and understanding toward

ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel

inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or

flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.

•“I just need to try harder.”

•“I should have known better.”

•“I've always been this way” and/or “I am

never going to change.”

Teaching Self-Kindness

to Clients

•Soothing ourselves taps into our “mammalian

caregiving system” and triggers the release of

oxytocin

•More than just stopping critical thoughts, self-

kindness requires actively comforting

ourselves, as we would a loved one who is in

pain

•Use kind words

•Give yourself a hug, tenderly stroke your arms

or face, or imagine giving yourself a hug

Common Humanity

Recognizing that suffering and personal

inadequacy is part of the shared human

experience – something that we all go

through rather than being something that

happens to “me” alone.

•“Everyone else seems to get it done.”

•“None of the other moms have problems

like this.”

•“I’ve failed at being an adult.”

Teaching Clients about Common Humanity

•Help clients remember that all humans

make mistakes, have challenges in life, and

suffer

•Help clients identify the ways in which

their experience was connected to the

larger human experience, such as

acknowledging that being human means

being imperfect

•Have clients think about the various

causes and conditions underlying the

painful event

Mindfulness

Taking a balanced approach to our negative

emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed

nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and

feel compassion for it at the same time.

Mindfulness requires that we not be “over-

identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we

are caught up and swept away by negative

reactivity.

•“I’m always going to feel this way.”

•“I can’t think about this – I’ll get so _____, I’ll

never recover.”

•“It is not okay to feel _________.”

Workshop on Shame and Whole Hearted Living, with Kate Thieda

2/22/2016

UNC School of Social Work Clinical Lecture Series

Teaching Clients About Mindfulness

(in the context of Self-Compassion)

•Help clients be aware of their

feelings as opposed to becoming

their feelings

•Suffering = Pain x Resistance

•Encourage regular mindfulness

practice when they are not

experiencing pain

What Self-Compassion

is Not

•It is not self-pity

•It is not self-indulgence

•It is not self-esteem

Self-Compassion Mantra

This is a moment of suffering.

Suffering is a part of life.

May I be kind to myself in this moment.

May I give myself the compassion I need.

Shame

vs.

Wholehearted Living

Pause for a Reality-Check

•These are ideals.

•Every human on this planet has unique

biology and biography.

•Clients may not have the resources

(defined in many ways) to achieve

wholeheartedness, but pieces of the

following may be helpful.

Scarcity Culture

•Daily messages:

shame, comparison,

disengagement

•Using weapons and

armor

•Making choices that

are not aligned with

values

•Experiences of

shame lead to

deeper fear, blame,

disconnection

Wholehearted Living

•Daily practices: courage,

compassion, connection

•Putting down the

weapons and armor

•Aligning with values

•Shame is still painful

and challenges our

sense of worthiness, but

can also lead to deeper

self-compassion,

empathy, and

authenticity.

Workshop on Shame and Whole Hearted Living, with Kate Thieda

2/22/2016

UNC School of Social Work Clinical Lecture Series

Tenets of Wholehearted Living: Part 1

Love and belonging are irreducible needs

of all men, women, and children. We’re

hard-wired for connection.

•The absence of love, belonging, and

connection always leads to suffering.

What it is not: When clients say they have

no family or friends they can trust, rely on,

or ask for help.

Tenets of Wholehearted Living: Part 2

Those who feel lovable, who love, and who

experience belonging simply believe they

are worthy of love and belonging.

What it is not: When clients say, “I’m such a

terrible person, no one will want to be with

me,” or “I don’t deserve to have good

things happen to me,” or “I’m damaged

goods.”

Tenets of Wholehearted Living: Part 3

Having a strong belief that our worthiness is

cultivated through our choices.

•Choosing on a daily basis to live according to

our values, even if those around us disagree.

•Life doesn't just “happen” - we are deliberate.

What it is not: When clients complain that life

is unfair or stressful, or that they always get the

short end of the stick, but who also do not

make choices that align with their stated values

and goals.

What are YOUR Values?

accountability

compassion

family

knowledge

service

achievement

competence

forgiveness

loyalty

simplicity

adventure

connection

generosity

openness

spirituality

altruism

courage

gratitude

optimism

success

ambition

creativity

growth

power

time

adventure

efficiency

health

pride

teamwork

authenticity

ethics

hope

reliability

vision

balance

excellence

independence

respect

wealth

career

fairness

integrity

responsibility

wisdom

commitment

faith

justice

safety

Your own?

Tenets of Wholehearted Living: Part 4

Wholehearted people live lives defined by

courage, compassion, and connection.

•They dare to be vulnerable.

•They express compassion towards self and

others.

•They cultivate meaningful relationships.

What it is not: When clients are “all talk” and

never take the next step, are constantly

shaming and blaming self and others, and who

have relationships fraught with drama.

Tenets of Wholehearted Living: Part 5

Wholehearted people are willing to be

vulnerable.

•These people attribute all of their life

successes - work, relationships, parenting, etc.

- to their ability to be vulnerable and take risks.

•These are not careless, thoughtless risks, but

rather risks that involve showing up and being

seen, and without any guarantee of success.

What it is not: When clients play it safe, let life

happen to them, and hide in the shadows.

Workshop on Shame and Whole Hearted Living, with Kate Thieda

2/22/2016

UNC School of Social Work Clinical Lecture Series

What Stops Us from

Living Wholeheartedly?

We “armor up” – being wholehearted

requires vulnerability, and that is scary.

Perfectionism

• This is not the same as striving for excellence. They

are opposites. Healthy striving is internally

motivating, directing us toward our own goals and

values.

• Perfectionism is all about “What will people think?”

It’s an external audit. It’s about managing perception.

• It’s a process addiction: because we try to do

something perfectly and still get criticized, it

reinforces the idea that we must be even more

perfect next time.

• Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. When

perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun, and

fear is that annoying backseat driver.

Foreboding Joy

•When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy

becomes foreboding. We find that no emotion is

more terrifying than joy because we believe if we

allow ourselves to feel joy, we are inviting disaster.

•We start dress rehearsing tragedy in the best

moments of our lives in order to stop vulnerability

from beating us to the punch. We will not be

blindsided, so we practice tragedy and trauma. In

the process, we squander the joy that we need to

build resilience, strength, and courage.

•In sociological surveys, everyone who showed a

profound capacity for joy had one thing in common:

they practiced gratitude.

Numbing

I can take the edge off emotional pain

with: _________

Examples include: alcohol, drugs, sex, food,

relationships, money, work, caretaking,

gambling, affairs, religion, chaos, shopping,

planning, perfectionism, constant change, the

Internet, and the list goes on...

Stories We Tell Ourselves

What we have made up in our heads about a

struggle or challenge, which may include:

•facts

•interpretations

•conspiracies

•confabulations

•emotions

•messages (from family of origin, colleagues,

society, etc.)

•filters

•self-protective measures

•and more

10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living

1. Cultivating Authenticity: Letting go of what

people think

2. Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting go of

perfectionism

3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting go of

numbing and powerlessness

4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting go of

scarcity and fear of the dark

5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting

go of the need for certainty

Workshop on Shame and Whole Hearted Living, with Kate Thieda

2/22/2016

UNC School of Social Work Clinical Lecture Series

10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living, cont.

6. Cultivating Creativity: Letting go of comparison

7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting go of

exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity

as self-worth

8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting go of

anxiety as a lifestyle

9. Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting go of self-

doubt and “supposed to”

10.Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting

go of being cool and “always in control”

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our

lives from a place of worthiness. It means

cultivating the courage, compassion, and

connection to wake up in the morning and

think, No matter what gets done and how

much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to

bed at night and thinking, Yes, I am imperfect

and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that

doesn’t change the fact that I am also brave

and worthy of love and belonging.

The Gifts of Imperfection

References

• Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who

you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you

are. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be

vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and

lead. New York, NY: Gotham Books.

• Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong. New York, NY: Spiegel &

Grau.

• Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion. New York, NY:

HarperCollins.

• www.thedaringway.com

• www.self-compassion.org