SHAME AND VULNERABILITY | BRENE BROWN
Please read the book or listen to the audio book and complete this worksheet.
Name: __________________________________________
Date: ___________________
Dr. Brown makes this statement about relational connection: "Connection is why we're
here; it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives."
1) Do you agree or disagree? Why?
Consider the importance of personal connection in the following stages of your life. What
would you say about your need, longing, and experience of connection in each stage?
2) The beginning of your life:
3) Your childhood:
4) Adolescence:
5) Adulthood:
In her research, Dr. Brown found the thing that "unraveled connection" was shame. She
made the following statements about shame:
Shame can be understood as the fear of disconnection; the fear that there is something
about me that makes others consider me unworthy of connection.
Shame is universal. We all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no
capacity for human empathy or connection.
No one wants to talk about shame, and the less you talk about it, the more you have it.
Shame is expressed in the feeling of "I'm not
______ enough" (good enough, thin enough,
rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough, etc.).
6) Are you aware of the things you feared as a child, adolescent, adult?
7) Were any of those fears linked to thoughts of "I'm not ______ enough"? How did/do you fill in that
blank?
8
)
Did this affect your relationship connections? If so, h
ow?
D
r. Brown's research indicated what separated people who experience a strong sense of love and
belonging from those who struggle for it is this: "The people who have a strong sense of love and
belonging believe they're worthy of it." When studying the data collected from these "whole-
hearted" people, she discovered they had these things in common:
Courage: (Original definition: telling who you are with your whole heart.) They had the courage to be
imperfect.
Compassion: They were kind to themselves and to others.
Connection: Their connections were rooted in authenticity (letting go of who they thought they
should be in order to be who they were).
Vulnerability: They embraced vulnerability as something that was necessary for connection.
(Examples of vulnerability: asking someone for help, initiating sex, being turned down, waiting for the
doctor to call back, getting laid off, laying off people)
9)
Consider these qualities: the courage to be imperfect, genuine kindness, authenticity
,
vu
lnerability. In what ways are these evident in you? In what ways are they lacking?
1
0
)
What makes you feel most vulnerable in relationships? (Think about what you tend to avoid.)
Dr. Brown defined the following strategies we use in our attempt to eliminate or minimize the
feeling of vulnerability:
We NUMB it (e.g., overspending, overeating, overmedicating). The problem is, we cannot selectively
numb our emotions. When we numb negative feelings (venerability, grief, shame, fear,
disappointment) we numb positive ones, too (joy, gratitude, happiness, love).
We make things CERTAIN. We don't leave room for ambiguity or uncertainty in our opinions and
beliefs.
We PERFECT. We attempt to remove or replace perceived imperfections in our lives and in our
children's lives.
We PRETEND. We act as though we are not responsible for the way our lives affect others instead of
accepting responsibility, especially when we have caused hurt.
11) Which of these do you tend to use most often?
1
2
)
List some examples of the ways you've used that strategy in order to minimize feelings o
f
per
sonal vulnerability.
13
)
Are you aware of ways in which those choices and behaviors have had negative impact on any
relationships? If so, how?
D
r. Brown suggests "another way" of dealing with vulnerability:
To let ourselves be seen, deeply and vulnerably.
To love with our whole hearts, even when there is no guarantee.
To practice gratitude and joy, even in moments of fear and uncertainty.
To believe "I am enough."
14) Do any of these challenges stir a longing in you to be more like that?
15)
Do you believe, "I am enough"? What does that mean? What hinders that belief? What helps that
belief? Do your spiritual beliefs have any impact? If so, how?
16) Think of an important relationship in your life. What is one specific, measurable thing you can do
within the next 24 hours that would be an act of vulnerability in that relationship? Will you do it?
