concept.
Havingbeentrainedtofearallofthethoughtshehadswimminginhishead,
Armin found himself tortured. His sleep was punctured by nightmares of the
gatesofhellopeningforhim.Hisdaysweredrowned in visions of devils and
demons out to punish him, making him pay for his insolence. As a practicing
Muslim, he was aware that what he was thinking was not only wrong, but
downrightevil.HewasawarethatGodcouldseeintohisthoughts.Hecouldfeel
thedisappointmentGodfeltinhim.Hewasdepressedbytheknowledgethathe
hadlethisbestfriend,hisprotectorandcreator,down.However,nomatterhow
horridhe felt, once thedoubts about religion beganto appear, they stuck. The
lingeringdoubtsregardinghiscreatorblossomed;theyinspiredfurtherresearch
andcontemplation.
Themorehebegantothinkofreligionasamanmadeconcept,notadivine
statute, the stronger his doubt became. No longer able to abide the growing
storm inside of him, Armin resolved to face the matter directly, disregard his
doubts and attempt to convince himself simply that God was real and that he
could be absolutely certain of this. He simply needed proof, actual, verifiable
proof,notthemythosofacenturies-oldnovel.Hebelievedoncehemanagedto
locatethisproof,hisfaithwouldbestrongerthanever.
Failingtofindproof,hesettledonanylogicalreasoningfortheexistenceof
God, including examining philosophical concepts and theories. However, once
allofthelogicalexplanationssupportingGodhadbeenthoroughlydebunked,he
grewdesperate.Heprayedharder,beggingGodtohelphim.Hewantedasign,a
message–anythingatalltoassurehimselfofadivinepresence.Ofcourse,his
prayers were never answered. All of this transpired during most of Armin’s
relativelyyounglife,andbytheageof 18, he had lost all of hisfaith.Hefelt
cheated,betrayedandtakenadvantageofbysociety,hiscountry,teachers,and
those who impose the belief in God as an absolute truth without any proof,
denying all other alternatives. He felt angry, depressed, and broken. He had
sacrificedsomuch,evenalmosthislife,allforthesakeofafairytale.
Ofcourse,asitsometimeshappenswhenleavingalifelongreligion,Armin
hadmomentsofdoubt.“PerhapsI’mmistaken.Perhapsthere’ssomethingreally
wrongwithme.Perhapsmyfallbrokemorethanmybones;perhapsitbrokemy
mind.AmIreallysoarroganttothinkthatI’vemanagedtodiscoversomething
that no one else around me has realized?” These were all common topics for
self-debate during this period of self-discovery. Armin was the only atheist he
knew.Beingtheproactivego-getterhehadalwaysbeen,hewishedtoletmore