Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead

THISISABORZOIBOOK

PUBLISHEDBYALFREDA.KNOPF

Allrightsreserved.PublishedintheUnitedStatesbyAlfredA.Knopf,adivisionofRandom

House,Inc.,NewYork,andinCanadabyRandomHouseofCanadaLimited,Toronto.

www.aaknopf.com

Knopf,BorzoiBooks,andthecolophonareregisteredtrademarksofRandomHouse,Inc.

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData

Sandberg,Sheryl.

Leanin:women,work,andthewilltolead/SherylSandberg.

—Firstedition.

pagescm

eISBN:978-0-38534995-6

1.Womenexecutives.2.Leadershipinwomen.

3.Sandberg,Sheryl.I.Title.

HD6054.3.S2652013

658.4′092082—dc23

2012043371

JacketphotographbyMattAlbiani

JacketdesignbyPeterMendelsund

v3.1

TOMYPARENTS

forraisingmetobelievethat

anythingwaspossible

ANDTOMYHUSBAND

formakingeverythingpossible

Contents
Cover
TitlePage
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction:InternalizingtheRevolution
1.TheLeadershipAmbitionGap:
WhatWouldYouDoifYouWeren’tAfraid?
2.SitattheTable
3.SuccessandLikeability
4.It’saJungleGym,NotaLadder
5.AreYouMyMentor?
6.SeekandSpeakYourTruth
7.Don’tLeaveBeforeYouLeave
8.MakeYourPartneraRealPartner
9.TheMythofDoingItAll
10.Let’sStartTalkingAboutIt
11.WorkingTogetherTowardEquality
Let’sKeepTalking…
Acknowledgments
Notes
ANoteAbouttheAuthor
ReadingGroupGuide

INTRODUCTION

InternalizingtheRevolution

IGOT PREGNANTwithmyfirst child in thesummerof 2004. At thetime,I

was running the online sales and operations groups at Google. I had

joined the company three and a half years earlier when it was an

obscure start-up with a few hundred employees in a run-down office

building. By my first trimester, Google had grown into a company of

thousandsandmovedintoamultibuildingcampus.

Mypregnancywasnoteasy.Thetypicalmorningsicknessthatoften

accompanies the first trimester affected me every day for nine long

months.Igainedalmostseventypounds,andmyfeetswelledtwoentire

shoe sizes, turning into odd-shaped lumps I could see only when they

were propped up on a coffee table. A particularly sensitive Google

engineerannouncedthat“ProjectWhale”wasnamedafterme.

One day, after a rough morning spent staring at the bottom of the

toilet, I had to rush to make an important client meeting. Google was

growingsoquicklythatparkingwasanongoingproblem,andtheonly

spotIcouldfindwas quitefaraway.Isprintedacross theparkinglot,

whichinrealitymeantlumberingabitmorequicklythanmyabsurdly

slowpregnancycrawl.Thisonlymademynauseaworse,andIarrivedat

the meeting praying that a sales pitch was the only thing that would

come out of my mouth. That night, I recounted these troubles to my

husband, Dave. He pointed out that Yahoo, where he worked at the

time,haddesignatedparkingforexpectantmothersatthefrontofeach

building.

Thenextday,Imarchedin—ormorelikewaddledin—toseeGoogle

foundersLarryPageandSergeyBrinintheiroffice,whichwasreallyjust

a large room with toys and gadgets strewn all over the floor. I found

Sergeyinayogapositioninthecornerandannouncedthatweneeded

pregnancyparking,preferablysoonerratherthanlater.Helookedupat

meandagreedimmediately,notingthathehadneverthoughtaboutit

before.

Tothisday,I’membarrassedthatIdidn’trealizethatpregnantwomen

neededreservedparkinguntilIexperiencedmyownachingfeet.Asone

ofGoogle’smostseniorwomen,didn’tIhaveaspecialresponsibilityto

think of this? But like Sergey, it had never occurred to me. The other

pregnantwomenmust have sufferedinsilence, not wantingtoask for

specialtreatment.Ormaybetheylackedtheconfidenceorseniorityto

demandthattheproblembefixed.Havingonepregnantwomanatthe

top—evenonewholookedlikeawhale—madethedifference.

TodayintheUnitedStatesandthedevelopedworld,womenarebetter

offthanever.Westandontheshouldersofthewomenwhocamebefore

us,womenwhohadtofightfortherightsthatwenowtakeforgranted.

In 1947, Anita Summers, the mother of my longtime mentor Larry

Summers, was hired as an economist by the Standard Oil Company.

Whensheacceptedthejob,hernewbosssaidtoher,“Iamsogladto

have you. I figure I am getting the same brains for less money.” Her

reactiontothiswastofeelflattered.Itwasahugecomplimenttobetold

thatshehadthesamebrainsasaman.Itwouldhavebeenunthinkable

forhertoaskforequalcompensation.

We feel even more grateful when we compare our lives to those of

other women around the world. There are still countries that deny

womenbasiccivilrights.Worldwide,about4.4millionwomenandgirls

aretrappedinthesextrade.

InplaceslikeAfghanistanandSudan,girls

receivelittleornoeducation,wivesaretreatedasthepropertyoftheir

husbands, and women who are raped are routinely cast out of their

homesfordisgracingtheirfamilies.Somerapevictimsareevensentto

jail for committing a “moral crime.”

 We are centuries ahead of the

unacceptabletreatmentofwomeninthesecountries.

Butknowingthatthingscouldbeworseshouldnotstopusfromtrying

tomakethembetter.Whenthesuffragettesmarchedinthestreets,they

envisioned a world where men and women would be truly equal. A

centurylater,wearestillsquinting,tryingtobringthatvisionintofocus.

Theblunttruthisthatmenstillruntheworld.Ofthe195independent

countriesintheworld,only17areledbywomen.

Womenholdjust20

percentofseatsinparliamentsglobally.

IntheUnitedStates,wherewe

pride ourselves on liberty and justice for all, the gender division of

leadership roles is not much better. Women became 50 percent of the
college graduates in the United States in the early 1980s.
5
 Since then,
women have slowly and steadily advanced,earning more and more of
the college degrees, taking more of the entry-level jobs, and entering
more fields previously dominated by men. Despite these gains, the
percentageofwomenatthetopofcorporateAmericahasbarelybudged
overthepastdecade.
6
Ameagertwenty-oneoftheFortune500CEOsare
women.
7
Womenholdabout14percentofexecutiveofficerpositions,17
percent of board seats, and constitute 18 percent of our elected
congressionalofficials.
8
Thegapisevenworseforwomenofcolor,who
holdjust4percentoftopcorporatejobs,3percentofboardseats,and5
percentofcongressionalseats.
9
Whilewomencontinuetooutpacemen
ineducationalachievement,wehaveceasedmakingrealprogressatthe
top of any industry. This means that when it comes to making the
decisions that most affect our world, women’s voices are not heard
equally.
Progressremainsequallysluggishwhenitcomestocompensation.In
1970,Americanwomenwerepaid59centsforeverydollartheirmale
counterpartsmade.By2010,womenhadprotested,fought,andworked
their butts off to raise that compensation to 77 cents for every dollar
menmade.
10
 As activist Marlo Thomas wryly joked on Equal Pay Day
2011,“Fortyyearsandeighteencents.Adozeneggshavegoneupten
timesthatamount.”
11
I have watched these disheartening events from a front-row seat. I
graduated from college in 1991 and from business school in 1995. In
eachentry-leveljobaftergraduation,mycolleagueswereabalancedmix
ofmaleandfemale.Isawthatthesenior leaders were almostentirely
male, but I thought that was due to historical discrimination against
women.Theproverbial glass ceiling had beencrackedin almost every
industry, and I believed that it was just a matter of time until my
generation took our fair share of the leadership roles. But with each
passingyear,fewerandfewerofmycolleagueswerewomen.Moreand
moreoften,Iwastheonlywomanintheroom.
Being the sole woman has resulted in some awkward yet revealing
situations.TwoyearsafterIjoinedFacebookaschiefoperatingofficer,
our chief financial officer departed suddenly, and I had to step in to
completeafundinground.SinceIhadspentmycareerinoperations,not

finance,theprocessofraisingcapitalwasnewandabitscary.Myteam

andIflewtoNewYorkfortheinitialpitchtoprivateequityfirms.Our

firstmeetingwasheldinthekindofcorporateofficefeaturedinmovies,

completewithasprawlingviewofManhattan.Iofferedanoverviewof

our business and answered questions. So far so good. Then someone

suggestedthatwebreakforafewminutes.Iturnedtotheseniorpartner

andasked where the women’srestroom was. He staredat me blankly.

Myquestionhadcompletelystumpedhim.Iasked,“Howlonghaveyou

beeninthisoffice?”Andhesaid,“Oneyear.”“AmItheonlywomanto

havepitchedadealhereinanentireyear?”“Ithinkso,”hesaid,adding,

“ormaybeyou’retheonlyonewhohadtousethebathroom.”

IthasbeenmorethantwodecadessinceIenteredtheworkforce,and

so much is still the same. It is time for us to face the fact that our

revolutionhasstalled.

Thepromiseofequalityisnotthesameastrue

equality.

Atrulyequalworldwouldbeonewherewomenranhalfourcountries

andcompaniesandmenranhalfourhomes.Ibelievethatthiswouldbe

abetterworld.Thelawsofeconomicsandmanystudiesofdiversitytell

usthatifwetappedtheentirepoolofhumanresourcesandtalent,our

collective performance would improve. Legendary investor Warren

Buffetthasstatedgenerouslythatoneofthereasonsforhisgreatsuccess

wasthathewascompetingwithonlyhalfofthepopulation.TheWarren

Buffettsofmygenerationarestilllargelyenjoyingthisadvantage.When

more people get in the race, more records will be broken. And the

achievementswillextendbeyondthoseindividualstobenefitusall.

ThenightbeforeLeymahGboweewonthe2011NobelPeacePrizefor

helpingtoleadthewomen’sproteststhattoppledLiberia’sdictator,she

wasatabookpartyinmyhome.Wewerecelebratingthepublicationof

herautobiography,MightyBeOurPowers,butitwasasombernight.A

guestaskedherhowAmericanwomencouldhelpthosewhoexperienced

thehorrorsandmassrapes of war in placeslikeLiberia.Herresponse

was four simple words: “More women in power.” Leymah and I could

nothavecomefrommoredifferentbackgrounds,andyetwehaveboth

arrivedatthesameconclusion.Conditionsforallwomenwillimprove

when there are more women in leadership roles giving strong and

powerfulvoicetotheirneedsandconcerns.

This brings us to the obvious question—how? How are we going to

take down the barriers that prevent more women from getting to the

top? Women face real obstacles in the professional world, including

blatant and subtle sexism, discrimination, and sexual harassment. Too

fewworkplacesoffertheflexibilityandaccesstochildcareandparental

leave that are necessary for pursuing a career while raising children.

Men have an easier time finding the mentors and sponsors who are

invaluableforcareerprogression.Plus,womenhavetoprovethemselves

toafargreaterextentthanmendo.Andthisisnotjustinourheads.A

2011McKinseyreportnotedthatmenarepromotedbasedonpotential,

whilewomenarepromotedbasedonpastaccomplishments.

In addition to the external barriers erected by society, women are

hinderedbybarriersthatexistwithinourselves.Weholdourselvesback

inwaysbothbigandsmall,bylackingself-confidence,bynotraisingour

hands, and by pulling back when we should be leaning in. We

internalize the negative messages we get throughout our lives—the

messagesthatsayit’swrongtobeoutspoken,aggressive,morepowerful

thanmen.Welowerourownexpectationsofwhatwecanachieve.We

continue to do the majority of the housework and child care. We

compromise our career goals to make room for partners and children

whomaynotevenexistyet.Comparedtoourmalecolleagues,fewerof

us aspire to senior positions. This is not a list of things other women

havedone.Ihavemadeeverymistakeonthislist.Attimes,Istilldo.

Myargumentisthatgettingridoftheseinternalbarriersiscriticalto

gainingpower.Othershavearguedthatwomencangettothetoponly

when the institutional barriers are gone. This is the ultimate chicken-

and-egg situation. The chicken: Women will tear down the external

barriersonceweachieveleadershiproles.Wewillmarchintoourbosses’

offices and demand what we need, including pregnancy parking. Or

betteryet,we’llbecomebossesandmakesureallwomenhavewhatthey

need.Theegg:Weneedtoeliminatetheexternalbarrierstogetwomen

into those roles in the first place. Both sides are right. So rather than

engageinphilosophicalargumentsoverwhichcomesfirst,let’sagreeto

wage battles on both fronts. They are equally important. I am

encouraging women to address the chicken, but I fully support those

whoarefocusingontheegg.

Internal obstacles are rarely discussed and often underplayed.

Throughoutmylife,Iwastoldoverandoveraboutinequalitiesinthe

workplace and how hard it would be to have a career and a family. I

rarely heard anything, however, about the ways I might hold myself

back. These internal obstacles deserve a lot more attention, in part

becausetheyareunderourowncontrol.Wecandismantlethehurdles

inourselvestoday.Wecanstartthisverymoment.

IneverthoughtIwouldwriteabook.Iamnotascholar,ajournalist,

orasociologist.ButIdecidedtospeakoutaftertalkingtohundredsof

women,listeningtotheirstruggles,sharingmyown,andrealizingthat

thegainswehavemadearenotenoughandmayevenbeslipping.The

first chapter of this book lays out some of the complex challenges

women face. Each subsequent chapter focuses on an adjustment or

difference that we can make ourselves: increasing our self-confidence

(“Sit at the Table”), getting our partners to do more at home (“Make

Your Partner a Real Partner”), not holding ourselves to unattainable

standards(“TheMythofDoingItAll”).Idonotpretendtohaveperfect

solutions to these deep and complicated issues. I rely on hard data,

academic research, my own observations, and lessons I have learned

alongtheway.

Thisbookisnotamemoir,althoughIhaveincludedstoriesaboutmy

life.Itisnotaself-helpbook,althoughItrulyhopeithelps.Itisnota

bookoncareermanagement,althoughI offer advice in that area.Itis

notafeministmanifesto—okay,itissortofafeministmanifesto,butone

thatIhopeinspiresmenasmuchasitinspireswomen.

Whateverthisbookis,Iamwritingitforanywomanwhowantsto

increaseherchancesofmakingittothetopofherfieldorpursueany

goal vigorously. This includes women at all stages of their lives and

careers,fromthosewhoarejuststartingouttothosewhoaretakinga

breakandmaywanttojumpbackin.Iamalsowritingthisforanyman

whowantstounderstandwhatawoman—acolleague,wife,mother,or

daughter—is up against so that he can do his part to build an equal

world.

Thisbook makes thecase for leaningin, for beingambitious in any

pursuit. And while I believe that increasing the number of women in

positions of power is a necessary element of true equality, I do not

believe that there is one definition of success or happiness. Not all

womenwantcareers.Notallwomenwantchildren.Notallwomenwant

both. I would never advocate that we should all have the same

objectives. Many people are not interested in acquiring power, not

because they lack ambition, but because they are living their lives as

theydesire.Someofthemostimportantcontributionstoourworldare

madebycaringforonepersonatatime.Weeachhavetochartourown

uniquecourseanddefinewhichgoalsfitourlives,values,anddreams.

Iamalsoacutelyawarethatthevastmajorityofwomenarestruggling

tomakeendsmeetandtakecareoftheirfamilies.Partsofthisbookwill

bemostrelevanttowomenfortunateenoughtohavechoicesabouthow

muchandwhenandwheretowork;otherpartsapplytosituationsthat

womenfaceineveryworkplace,withineverycommunity,andinevery

home. If we can succeed in adding more female voices at the highest

levels,wewillexpandopportunitiesandextendfairertreatmenttoall.

Some,especiallyotherwomeninbusiness,havecautionedmeabout

speakingoutpubliclyontheseissues.WhenIhavespokenoutanyway,

severalofmycommentshaveupsetpeopleofbothgenders.Iknowsome

believe that by focusing on what women can change themselves—

pressingthemtoleanin—itseemslikeIamlettingourinstitutionsoff

thehook.Orevenworse,theyaccusemeofblamingthevictim.Farfrom

blamingthevictim,Ibelievethatfemaleleadersarekeytothesolution.

Somecriticswillalsopointoutthatitismucheasierformetoleanin,

since my financial resources allow me to afford any help I need. My

intention is to offer advice that would have been useful to me long

before I had heard of Google or Facebook and that will resonate with

womeninabroadrangeofcircumstances.

IhaveheardthesecriticismsinthepastandIknowthatIwillhear

them—and others—in the future. My hope is that my message will be

judged on its merits. We can’t avoid this conversation. This issue

transcendsallofus.Thetimeislongoverduetoencouragemorewomen

todreamthepossibledreamandencouragemorementosupportwomen

intheworkforceandinthehome.

We can reignite the revolution by internalizing the revolution. The

shift to a more equal world will happen person by person. We move

closertothelargergoaloftrueequalitywitheachwomanwholeansin.

TheLeadershipAmbitionGap

WhatWouldYouDoIfYouWeren’tAfraid?

MYGRANDMOTHERRosalindEinhornwasbornexactlyfifty-twoyearsbeforeI

was, on August 28, 1917. Like many poor Jewish families in the

boroughs of New York City, hers lived in a small, crowded apartment

close to their relatives. Her parents, aunts, and uncles addressed her

malecousinsbytheirgivennames,butsheandhersisterwerereferred

toonlyas“Girlie.”

DuringtheDepression,mygrandmotherwaspulledoutofMorrisHigh

School to help support the household by sewing fabric flowers onto

undergarmentsthathermothercouldresellforatinyprofit.Noonein

the community would have considered taking a boy out of school. A

boy’s education was the family’s hope to move up the financial and

social ladder. Education for girls, however, was less important both

financially,sincetheywereunlikelytocontributetothefamily’sincome,

andculturally,sinceboyswereexpectedtostudytheTorahwhilegirls

wereexpectedtoruna“properhome.”Luckilyformygrandmother,a

localteacherinsistedthatherparentsputherbackintoschool.Shewent

onnotonlytofinishhighschoolbuttograduatefromU.C.Berkeley.

Aftercollege, “Girlie” workedselling pocketbooks and accessoriesat

David’s Fifth Avenue. When she left her job to marry my grandfather,

familylegendhasitthatDavid’shadtohirefourpeopletoreplaceher.

Years later, when my grandfather’s paint business was struggling, she

jumped in and took some of the hard steps he was reluctant to take,

helping to save the family from financial ruin. She displayed her

businessacumenagaininherforties.Afterbeingdiagnosedwithbreast

cancer,shebeatitandthendedicatedherselftoraisingmoneyforthe

clinicthattreatedherbysellingknockoffwatchesoutofthetrunkofher

car.GirlieendedupwithaprofitmarginthatApplewouldenvy.Ihave

never met anyone with more energy and determination than my

grandmother.WhenWarrenBuffetttalksaboutcompetingagainstonly

halfofthepopulation,Ithinkaboutherandwonderhowdifferenther

lifemighthavebeenifshehadbeenbornhalfacenturylater.

Whenmygrandmotherhadchildrenofherown—mymotherandher

two brothers—she emphasized education for all of them. My mother

attendedtheUniversityofPennsylvania,whereclasseswerecoed.When

shegraduatedin1965withadegreeinFrenchliterature,shesurveyeda

workforcethatshebelievedconsistedoftwocareeroptionsforwomen:

teachingornursing.Shechoseteaching.ShebeganaPh.D.program,got

married,andthendroppedoutwhenshebecamepregnantwithme.It

wasthoughttobeasignofweaknessifahusbandneededhiswife’shelp

tosupporttheirfamily,somymotherbecameastay-at-homeparentand

anactivevolunteer.Thecenturies-olddivisionoflaborstood.

EventhoughIgrewupinatraditionalhome,myparentshadthesame

expectations for me, my sister, and my brother. All three of us were

encouraged to excel in school, do equal chores, and engage in

extracurricular activities. We were all supposed to be athletic too. My

brotherandsisterjoinedsportsteams,butIwasthekidwhogotpicked

last in gym. Despite my athletic shortcomings, I was raised to believe

thatgirlscoulddoanythingboyscoulddoandthatallcareerpathswere

opentome.

WhenIarrivedat collegeinthefallof1987,myclassmates ofboth

genders seemed equally focused on academics. I don’t remember

thinking about my future career differently from the male students. I

alsodon’trememberanyconversationsaboutsomedaybalancingwork

andchildren.MyfriendsandIassumedthatwewouldhaveboth.Men

and women competed openly and aggressively with one another in

classes, activities, and job interviews. Just two generations removed

frommygrandmother,theplayingfieldseemedtobelevel.

Butmorethantwentyyearsaftermycollegegraduation,theworldhas

notevolvednearlyasmuchasIbelieveditwould.Almostallofmymale

classmatesworkinprofessionalsettings.Someofmyfemaleclassmates

workfull-timeorpart-timeoutsidethehome,andjustasmanyarestay-

at-homemothersandvolunteerslikemymom.Thismirrorsthenational

trend.Incomparisontotheirmalecounterparts,highlytrainedwomen

arescalingbackanddroppingoutoftheworkforceinhighnumbers.
1
In
turn, these diverging percentages teach institutions and mentors to
investmoreinmen,whoarestatisticallymorelikelytostay.
Judith Rodin, president of the Rockefeller Foundation and the first
womantoserveaspresidentofanIvyLeagueuniversity,onceremarked
toanaudienceofwomenmyage,“Mygenerationfoughtsohardtogive
all of you choices. We believe in choices. But choosing to leave the
workforcewasnotthechoicewethoughtsomanyofyouwouldmake.”
2
Sowhathappened?Mygenerationwasraisedinaneraofincreasing
equality, a trend we thought would continue. In retrospect, we were
naïve and idealistic. Integrating professional and personal aspirations
proved far more challenging than we had imagined. During the same
yearsthatourcareersdemandedmaximumtimeinvestment,ourbiology
demanded that we have children. Our partners did not share the
houseworkandchildrearing,sowefoundourselveswithtwofull-time
jobs.Theworkplacedidnotevolvetogiveustheflexibilityweneeded
tofulfill our responsibilities athome. We anticipated noneof this. We
werecaughtbysurprise.
If my generation was too naïve, the generations that have followed
maybetoopractical.Weknewtoolittle,andnowgirlsknowtoomuch.
Girls growing up today are not the first generation to have equal
opportunity,buttheyarethefirsttoknowthatallthatopportunitydoes
not necessarily translate into professional achievement. Many of these
girls watched their mothers try to “do it all” and then decide that
somethinghadtogive.Thatsomethingwasusuallytheircareers.
There’snodoubtthatwomenhavetheskillstoleadintheworkplace.
Girls are increasingly outperforming boys in the classroom, earning
about 57 percent of the undergraduate and 60 percent of the master’s
degreesintheUnitedStates.
3
Thisgendergapinacademicachievement
has even caused some to worry about the “end of men.”
4
 But while
compliant, raise-your-hand-and-speak-when-called-on behaviors might
be rewarded in school, they are less valued in the workplace.
5
 Career
progressionoftendependsupontakingrisksandadvocatingforoneself
—traitsthatgirlsarediscouragedfromexhibiting.Thismayexplainwhy
girls’ academic gains have not yet translated into significantly higher
numbersofwomenintopjobs.Thepipelinethatsuppliestheeducated
workforceischock-fullofwomenattheentrylevel,butbythetimethat

samepipelineisfillingleadershippositions,itisoverwhelminglystocked
withmen.
Therearesomanyreasonsforthiswinnowingout,butoneimportant
contributor is a leadership ambition gap. Of course, many individual
women are as professionally ambitious as any individual man. Yet
drillingdown,thedataclearlyindicatethatinfieldafterfield,moremen
thanwomenaspiretothemostseniorjobs.A2012McKinseysurveyof
morethanfourthousandemployeesofleadingcompaniesfoundthat36
percent of the men wanted to reach the C-suite, compared toonly 18
percent of the women.
6
 When jobs are described as powerful,
challenging, and involving high levels of responsibility, they appeal to
more men than women.
7
 And while the ambition gap is most
pronouncedatthe highestlevels,theunderlyingdynamicisevidentat
everystepofthecareerladder.Asurveyofcollegestudentsfoundthat
morementhanwomenchose“reachingamanageriallevel”asacareer
priority in the first three years after graduating.
8
 Even among highly
educatedprofessionalmenandwomen,morementhanwomendescribe
themselvesas“ambitious.”
9
There is some hope that a shift is starting to occur in the next
generation.A2012Pewstudyfoundforthefirsttimethatamongyoung
people ages eighteen to thirty-four, more young women (66 percent)
thanyoungmen(59percent)rated“successinahigh-payingcareeror
profession”asimportanttotheirlives.
10
ArecentsurveyofMillennials
11
found that women were just as likely to describe themselves as
ambitious as men. Although this is an improvement, even among this
demographic, the leadership ambition gap remains. Millennial women
arelesslikelythanMillennialmentoagreethatthestatement“Iaspire
toaleadershiproleinwhateverfieldIultimatelywork”describesthem
verywell.Millennialwomenwerealsolesslikelythantheirmalepeers
to characterize themselves as “leaders,” “visionaries,” “self-confident,”
and“willingtotakerisks.”
12
Sincemoremenaimforleadershiproles,itisnotsurprisingthatthey
obtainthem,especiallygivenalltheotherobstaclesthatwomenhaveto
overcome. This pattern starts long before they enter the workforce.
Author Samantha Ettus and her husband read their daughter’s
kindergartenyearbook,whereeachchildansweredthequestion“What
doyouwanttobewhenyougrowup?”Theynotedthatseveralofthe

boys wanted to be president. None of the girls did.
13
 (Current data
suggestthatwhenthesegirlsbecomewomen,theywillcontinuetofeel
the same way.)
14
 In middle school, more boys than girls aspire to
leadershiprolesinfuturecareers.
15
Atthetopfiftycolleges,lessthana
thirdofstudentgovernmentpresidentsarewomen.
16
Professional ambition is expected of men but is optional—or worse,
sometimesevenanegative—forwomen.“Sheisveryambitious”isnota
complimentinourculture.Aggressiveandhard-chargingwomenviolate
unwritten rules about acceptable social conduct. Men are continually
applaudedforbeingambitiousandpowerfulandsuccessful,butwomen
who display these same traits often pay a social penalty. Female
accomplishmentscomeatacost.
17
Andforalltheprogress,thereisstillsocietalpressureforwomento
keepaneyeonmarriagefromayoungage.WhenIwenttocollege,as
much as my parents emphasized academic achievement, they
emphasized marriage even more. They told me that the most eligible
women marry young to get a “good man” before they are all taken. I
followed their advice and throughout college, I vetted every date as a
potentialhusband(which,trustme,isasurewaytoruinadateatage
nineteen).
WhenIwasgraduating,mythesisadvisor,LarrySummers,suggested
that I apply for international fellowships. I rejected the idea on the
groundsthataforeigncountrywasnotalikelyplacetoturnadateinto
a husband. Instead, I moved to Washington, D.C., which was full of
eligiblemen.Itworked.Myfirstyearoutofcollege,Imetamanwho
wasnotjusteligible,butalsowonderful,soImarriedhim.Iwastwenty-
fourandconvincedthatmarriagewasthefirst—andnecessary—stepto
ahappyandproductivelife.
It didn’t work out that way. I was just not mature enough to have
madethislifelongdecision,andthe relationship quickly unraveled. By
the age of twenty-five, I had managed to get married … and also
divorced.Atthetime,thisfeltlikeamassivepersonalandpublicfailure.
Formanyyears,IfeltthatnomatterwhatIaccomplishedprofessionally,
it paled in comparison to the scarlet letter D stitched on my chest.
(Almost ten years later, I learned that the “good ones” were not all
taken,andIwiselyandveryhappilymarriedDaveGoldberg.)
Likeme,GayleTzemachLemmon,deputydirectoroftheCouncilon

ForeignRelations’WomenandForeignPolicyProgram,wasencouraged

to prioritize marriage over career. As she described in The Atlantic,

“WhenI was 27, I receiveda posh fellowshipto travel to Germany to

learnGermanandworkattheWallStreetJournal.…Itwasanincredible

opportunityfora20-somethingbyanyobjectivestandard,andIknewit

wouldhelppreparemeforgraduateschoolandbeyond.Mygirlfriends,

however,expressedshockandhorrorthatIwouldleavemyboyfriendat

the time to live abroad for a year. My relatives asked whether I was

worriedthatI’dnevergetmarried.AndwhenIattendedabarbecuewith

my then-beau, his boss took me aside to remind me that ‘there aren’t

manyguyslikethatoutthere.’”Theresultofthesenegativereactions,

in Gayle’s view, is that many women “still see ambition as a dirty

word.”

Manyhavearguedwithmethatambitionisnottheproblem.Women

arenotlessambitiousthanmen,theyinsist,butmoreenlightenedwith

different and more meaningful goals. I do not dismiss or dispute this

argument. There is far more to life than climbing a career ladder,

including raising children, seeking personal fulfillment, contributing to

society,and improving the livesof others. And thereare many people

whoaredeeplycommittedtotheirjobsbutdonot—andshouldnothave

to—aspiretoruntheirorganizations.Leadershiprolesarenottheonly

waytohaveprofoundimpact.

Ialsoacknowledgethattherearebiologicaldifferencesbetweenmen

and women. I have breast-fed two children and noted, at times with

great disappointment, that this was simply notsomethingmyhusband

wasequippedtodo.Aretherecharacteristicsinherentinsexdifferences

that make women more nurturing and men more assertive? Quite

possibly.Still,intoday’sworld,wherewenolongerhavetohuntinthe

wildforourfood,ourdesireforleadershipislargelyaculturallycreated

and reinforced trait. How individuals view what they can and should

accomplishisinlargepartformedbyoursocietalexpectations.

Fromthemomentweareborn,boysandgirlsaretreateddifferently.

Parents tend to talk to girl babies more than boy babies.

 Mothers

overestimate the crawling ability of their sons and underestimate the

crawlingabilityoftheirdaughters.

Reflectingthebeliefthatgirlsneed

tobehelpedmorethanboys,mothersoftenspendmoretimecomforting

and hugging infant girls and more time watching infant boys play by

themselves.

Otherculturalmessagesaremoreblatant.Gymboreeoncesoldonesies

proclaiming“SmartlikeDaddy”forboysand“PrettylikeMommy”for

girls.

Thesameyear,J.C.PenneymarketedaT-shirttoteenagegirls

thatbragged,“I’mtooprettytodohomeworksomybrotherhastodoit

forme.”

Thesethingsdidnothappenin1951.Theyhappenedin2011.

Evenworse,themessagessenttogirlscanmovebeyondencouraging

superficialtraitsandveerintoexplicitlydiscouragingleadership.Whena

girltriestolead,sheisoftenlabeledbossy.Boysareseldomcalledbossy

becauseaboytakingtheroleofabossdoesnotsurpriseoroffend.As

someonewhowascalledthisformuchofmychildhood,Iknowthatitis

notacompliment.

Thestoriesofmychildhoodbossinessaretold(andretold)withgreat

amusement.Apparently,whenIwasinelementaryschool,Itaughtmy

youngersiblings,DavidandMichelle,tofollowmearound,listentomy

monologues,andscreamtheword“Right!”whenIconcluded.Iwasthe

eldest of the neighborhood children and allegedly spent my time

organizingshowsthatIcoulddirectandclubsthatIcouldrun.People

laughattheseaccounts,buttothisdayIalwaysfeelslightlyashamedof

my behavior (which is remarkable given that I have now written an

entire book about why girls should not be made to feel this way, or

maybethispartiallyexplainsmymotivation).

Evenwhenwewereinourthirties,pointingoutthisbehaviorwasstill

thebestwayformysiblingstoteaseme.WhenDaveandIgotmarried,

David and Michelle gave a beautiful, hilarious toast, which kicked off

withthis:“Hi!SomeofyouthinkweareSheryl’syoungersiblings,but

really we were Sheryl’s first employees—employee number one and

employeenumbertwo.Initially,asaone-year-oldandathree-year-old,

wewereworthlessandweak.Disorganized,lazy.Wewouldjustassoon

spituponourselvesasreadthemorningpaper.ButSherylcouldseethat

we had potential. For more than ten years, Sheryl took us under her

wing and whipped us into shape.” Everyone laughed. My siblings

continued,“TothebestofourknowledgeSherylneveractuallyplayedas

achild,butreallyjustorganizedotherchildren’splay.Sherylsupervised

adults as well. When our parents went away on vacation, our

grandparentsusedtobabysit. Beforeourparentsleft,Sherylprotested,

‘Now I have to take care of David and Michelle and Grandma and

Grandpatoo.It’snotfair!’”Everyonelaughedevenlouder.

I laughed too, but there is still some part of me that feels it was

unseemlyforalittlegirltobethoughtofasso…domineering.Cringe.

Fromaveryearlyage,boysareencouragedtotakechargeandoffer

their opinions. Teachers interact more with boys, call on them more

frequently,and ask them more questions. Boys are also more likely to

call out answers, and when they do, teachers usually listen to them.

Whengirlscallout,teachersoftenscoldthemforbreakingtherulesand

remindthemtoraisetheirhandsiftheywanttospeak.

Iwasrecentlyremindedthatthesepatternspersistevenwhenweare

all grown up. Not long ago, at a small dinner with other business

executives, the guest of honor spoke the entire time without taking a

breath. This meant that the only way to ask a question or make an

observation was to interrupt. Three or four men jumped in, and the

guestpolitelyansweredtheirquestionsbeforeresuming his lecture. At

onepoint,Itriedtoaddsomethingtotheconversationandhebarked,

“Letmefinish!Youpeoplearenotgoodatlistening!”Eventually,afew

more men interjected and he allowed it. Then the only other female

executive at the dinner decided to speak up—and he did it again! He

chastised her for interrupting. After the meal, one of the male CEOs

pulled me aside to say that he had noticed that only the women had

beensilenced.Hetoldmeheempathized,becauseasaHispanic,hehas

beentreatedlikethismanytimes.

The danger goes beyond authority figures silencing female voices.

Youngwomeninternalizesocietalcuesaboutwhatdefines“appropriate”

behaviorand,inturn,silencethemselves.Theyarerewardedforbeing

“prettylikeMommy”andencouragedtobenurturinglikeMommytoo.

ThealbumFreetoBe…YouandMewasreleasedin1972andbecamea

staple of my childhood. My favoritesong, “William’s Doll,” is about a

five-year-oldboywhobegshisreluctantfathertobuyhimatraditional

girl’stoy.Almostfortyyearslater,thetoyindustryremainsriddledwith

stereotypes.RightbeforeChristmas2011,avideofeaturingafour-year-

oldgirlnamedRileywentviral.Rileypacesinatoystore,upsetbecause

companiesaretryingto“trickthegirlsintobuyingthepinkstuffinstead

of stuff that boys want to buy, right?” Right. As Riley reasons, “Some

girls like superheroes, some girls like princesses. Some boys like

superheroes,someboyslikeprincesses.Sowhydoallthegirlshaveto

buy pink stuff and all the boys have to buy different color stuff?”

 It

takesanearactofrebellionforevenafour-year-oldtobreakawayfrom

society’sexpectations.Williamstillhasnodoll,whileRileyisdrowning

inaseaofpink.InowplayFreetoBe…YouandMeformychildrenand

hope that if they ever play it for their children, its message will seem

quaint.

The gender stereotypes introduced in childhood are reinforced

throughout our lives and become self-fulfilling prophesies. Most

leadershippositionsareheldbymen,sowomendon’texpecttoachieve

them,andthatbecomesoneofthereasonstheydon’t.Thesameistrue

with pay. Men generally earn more than women, so people expect

womentoearnless.Andtheydo.

Compounding the problem is a social-psychological phenomenon

called “stereotype threat.” Social scientists have observed that when

membersofagrouparemadeawareofanegativestereotype,theyare

more likely to perform according to that stereotype. For example,

stereotypically, boys are better at math and science than girls. When

girlsareremindedoftheirgenderbeforeamathorsciencetest,evenby

somethingassimpleascheckingoffanMorFboxatthetopofthetest,

they perform worse.

 Stereotype threat discourages girls and women

fromenteringtechnicalfieldsandisoneofthekeyreasonsthatsofew

studycomputerscience.

AsaFacebooksummerinternoncetold me,

“Inmyschool’scomputersciencedepartment,therearemoreDavesthan

girls.”

The stereotype of a working woman is rarely attractive. Popular

culturehaslongportrayedsuccessfulworkingwomenassoconsumedby

theircareersthattheyhavenopersonallife(thinkSigourneyWeaverin

WorkingGirlandSandraBullockinTheProposal).Ifafemalecharacter

divideshertimebetweenworkandfamily,sheisalmostalwaysharried

and guilt ridden (think Sarah Jessica Parker in I Don’t Know How She

DoesIt).Andthesecharacterizationshavemovedbeyondfiction.Astudy

foundthatofMillennialmenandwomenwhoworkinanorganization

withawomaninaseniorrole,onlyabout20percentwanttoemulate

hercareer.

This unappealing stereotype is particularly unfortunate since most

womenhavenochoicebuttoremainintheworkforce.About41percent

of mothers are primary breadwinners and earn the majority of their

family’s earnings. Another 23 percent of mothers are co-breadwinners,
contributingatleastaquarterofthefamily’searnings.
30
Thenumberof
womensupportingfamiliesontheirownisincreasingquickly;between
1973 and 2006, the proportion of families headed by a single mother
grewfromoneintentooneinfive.
31
Thesenumbersaredramatically
higherinHispanicandAfrican-Americanfamilies.Twenty-sevenpercent
ofLatinochildrenand52percentofAfrican-Americanchildrenarebeing
raisedbyasinglemother.
32
Ourcountrylagsconsiderablybehindothersineffortstohelpparents
take care of their children and stay in the workforce. Of all the
industrialized nations in the world, the United States is the only one
withoutapaidmaternityleavepolicy.
33
AsEllenBravo,directorofthe
Family Values @ Work consortium, observed, most “women are not
thinkingabout‘havingitall,’they’reworriedaboutlosingit all—their
jobs,theirchildren’shealth,theirfamilies’financialstability—becauseof
the regular conflicts that arise between being a good employee and a
responsibleparent.”
34
Formanymen,thefundamentalassumptionisthattheycanhaveboth
a successful professional life and a fulfilling personal life. For many
women,theassumptionisthattryingtodobothisdifficultatbestand
impossible at worst. Women are surrounded by headlines and stories
warningthemthattheycannotbecommittedtoboththeirfamiliesand
careers. They are told over and over again that they have to choose,
because if they try to do too much, they’ll be harried and unhappy.
Framing the issue as “work-life balance”—as if the two were
diametrically opposed—practically ensures work will lose out. Who
wouldeverchooseworkoverlife?
The good news is that not only can women have both families and
careers, they can thrive while doing so. In 2009, Sharon Meers and
Joanna Strober published Getting to 50/50, a comprehensive review of
governmental, social science, and original research that led them to
conclude that children, parents, and marriages can all flourish when
both parents have full careers. The data plainly reveal that sharing
financialandchild-careresponsibilitiesleadstolessguiltymoms,more
involveddads,andthrivingchildren.
35
ProfessorRosalindChaitBarnett
ofBrandeisUniversitydidacomprehensivereviewofstudiesonwork-
life balance and found that women who participate in multiple roles

actuallyhavelowerlevels of anxietyandhigherlevelsofmentalwell-

being.

 Employed women reap rewards including greater financial

security,morestablemarriages,betterhealth,and,ingeneral,increased

lifesatisfaction.

Itmaynotbeasdramaticorfunnytomakeamovieaboutawoman

who loves both her job and her family, but that would be a better

reflectionof reality. We need more portrayals of women as competent

professionals and happy mothers—or even happy professionals and

competent mothers. The current negative images may make us laugh,

but they also make women unnecessarily fearful by presenting life’s

challengesasinsurmountable.Ourcultureremainsbaffled:Idon’tknow

howshedoesit.

Fearisattherootofsomanyofthebarriersthatwomenface.Fearof

not being liked. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of drawing

negativeattention.Fearof overreaching. Fear of beingjudged.Fear of

failure. And the holy trinity of fear: the fear of being a bad

mother/wife/daughter.

Without fear, women can pursue professional success and personal

fulfillment—andfreelychooseone,ortheother,orboth.AtFacebook,

weworkhardtocreateaculturewherepeopleareencouragedtotake

risks.Wehavepostersallaroundtheofficethatreinforcethisattitude.

In bright red letters, one declares, “Fortune favors the bold.” Another

insists,“Proceedandbebold.”Myfavoritereads,“Whatwouldyoudoif

youweren’tafraid?”

In 2011, Debora Spar, president of Barnard College, an all-women’s

liberal arts school in New York City, invited me to deliver its

commencement address. This speech was the first time I openly

discussed the leadership ambition gap. Standing on the podium, I felt

nervous.Itoldthemembersofthegraduatingclassthattheyshouldbe

ambitious not just in pursuing their dreams but in aspiring to become

leadersintheirfields.Iknewthismessagecouldbemisinterpretedasmy

judging women for not making the same choices that I have. Nothing

couldbefartherfromthetruth.Ibelievethatchoicemeanschoiceforall

ofus.ButIalsobelievethatweneedtodomoretoencouragewomento

reachforleadershiproles.Ifwecan’ttellwomentoaimhighatacollege

graduation,whencanwe?

AsIaddressedtheenthusiasticwomen,Ifoundmyselffighting back

tears.Imadeitthroughthespeechandconcludedwiththis:

You are the promise for a more equal world. So my hope for

everyonehereisthatafteryouwalkacrossthisstage,afteryouget

your diploma, after you go out tonight and celebrate hard—you

thenwillleanwayintoyourcareer.Youwillfindsomethingyou

lovedoingandyouwilldoitwithgusto.Findtherightcareerfor

youandgoallthewaytothetop.

Asyouwalkoffthisstagetoday,youstartyouradultlife.Start

outbyaiminghigh.Try—andtryhard.

Likeeveryone here, I havegreat hopes for themembers of this

graduatingclass. I hopeyou find true meaning, contentment,and

passion in your life. I hope you navigate the difficult times and

come out with greater strength and resolve. I hope you find

whateverbalanceyouseekwithyoureyeswideopen.AndIhope

that you—yes, you—have the ambition to lean in to your career

and run the world. Because the world needs you to change it.

Womenallaroundtheworldarecountingonyou.

Sopleaseaskyourself:WhatwouldIdoifIweren’tafraid?And

thengodoit.

Asthegraduateswerecalledtothestagetocollecttheirdiplomas,I

shookeveryhand.Manystoppedtogivemeahug.Oneyoungwoman

even told me I was “the baddest bitch” (which, having checked with

someonelater,actuallydidturnouttobeacompliment).

I know my speech was meant to motivate them, but they actually

motivated me. In the months that followed, I started thinking that I

should speak up more often and more publicly about these issues. I

shouldurgemorewomentobelieveinthemselvesandaspiretolead.I

should urge more men to become part of the solution by supporting

women in the workforce and at home.And I should not just speak in

front of friendly crowds at Barnard. I should seek out larger, possibly

less sympathetic audiences. I should take my own advice and be

ambitious.

Writingthisbookisnotjustmeencouragingotherstoleanin.Thisis

meleaningin.WritingthisbookiswhatIwoulddoifIweren’tafraid.

SitattheTable

AFEWYEARSAGO,IhostedameetingforTreasurySecretaryTimGeithnerat

Facebook. We invited fifteen executives from across Silicon Valley for

breakfast and a discussion about the economy. Secretary Geithner

arrivedwithfourmembersofhisstaff,twoseniorandtwomorejunior,

and we all gathered in our one nice conference room. After the usual

milling around, I encouraged the attendees to help themselves to the

buffetand take a seat.Our invited guests, mostlymen, grabbed plates

and food and sat down at the large conference table. Secretary

Geithner’steam,allwomen,tooktheirfoodlastandsatinchairsoffto

thesideoftheroom.Imotionedforthewomentocomesitatthetable,

waving them over so they would feel welcomed. They demurred and

remainedintheirseats.

Thefourwomenhadeveryrighttobeatthismeeting,butbecauseof

theirseatingchoice,theyseemedlikespectatorsratherthanparticipants.

IknewIhadtosaysomething.Soafterthemeeting,Ipulledthemaside

totalk.Ipointedoutthattheyshouldhavesatatthetableevenwithout

aninvitation,butwhenpubliclywelcomed,theymostcertainlyshould

havejoined.Atfirst,theyseemedsurprised,thentheyagreed.

Itwasawatershedmomentforme.AmomentwhenIwitnessedhow

an internal barrier can alter women’s behavior. A moment when I

realizedthatinadditiontofacinginstitutionalobstacles,womenfacea

battlefromwithin.

WhenIgaveaTEDTalkonhowwomencansucceedintheworkforce,

Itoldthisstorytoillustratehowwomenholdthemselvesback,literally

choosingtowatchfromthesidelines.AndyetasdisappointedasIwas

that these women made that choice, I also deeply understood the

insecuritiesthatdrewthemtothesideoftheroomandkeptthemglued

tothosechairs.

My senior year of college, I was inducted into the Phi Beta Kappa

honorsociety.Atthattime,HarvardandRadcliffehadseparatechapters,

somyceremonywasfor womenonly.Thekeynotespeaker,Dr.Peggy

McIntosh from the Wellesley Centers for Women, gave a talk called

“FeelingLikeaFraud.”

Sheexplainedthatmanypeople,butespecially

women, feel fraudulent when they are praised for their

accomplishments. Instead of feeling worthy of recognition, they feel

undeserving and guilty, as if a mistake has been made. Despite being

highachievers,evenexpertsintheirfields,womencan’tseemtoshake

thesensethatitisonlyamatteroftimeuntiltheyarefoundoutforwho

theyreallyare—impostorswithlimitedskillsorabilities.

I thought it was the best speech I had ever heard. I was leaning

forwardinmychair,noddingvigorously.CarrieWeber,mybrilliantand

totally-not-a-fraudroommate,wasdoingthesame.Atlast,someonewas

articulatingexactlyhowIfelt.EverytimeIwascalledoninclass,Iwas

surethatIwasabouttoembarrassmyself.EverytimeItookatest,Iwas

surethatithadgonebadly.AndeverytimeIdidn’tembarrassmyself—

orevenexcelled—IbelievedthatIhadfooledeveryoneyetagain.One

daysoon,thejigwouldbeup.

Atthejointreceptionthatfollowedtheceremony—anafter-partyfor

nerds, so I fit right in—I told one of my male classmates about Dr.

McIntosh’s fantastic speech explaining how we all feel like frauds. He

looked at me, confused, and asked, “Why would that be interesting?”

Carrie and I later joked that the speech to the men was probably

something like “How to Cope in a World Where Not Everyone Is as

SmartasYou.”

Thisphenomenonofcapablepeoplebeingplaguedbyself-doubthasa

name—theimpostorsyndrome.Bothmenandwomenaresusceptibleto

theimpostorsyndrome,butwomentendtoexperienceitmoreintensely

andbemorelimitedbyit.

Eventhewildlysuccessfulwriterandactress

TinaFeyhasadmittedtothesefeelings.SheonceexplainedtoaBritish

newspaper, “The beauty of the impostor syndrome is you vacillate

betweenextremeegomania,andacompletefeelingof:‘I’mafraud!Oh

god,they’reontome!I’mafraud!’Soyoujusttrytoridetheegomania

when it comes and enjoy it, and then slide through the idea of fraud.

Seriously,I’vejustrealizedthatalmosteveryoneisafraud,soItrynot

tofeeltoobadaboutit.”

Forwomen,feelinglikeafraudisasymptomofagreaterproblem.We
consistently underestimate ourselves. Multiple studies in multiple
industriesshowthatwomenoftenjudgetheirownperformanceasworse
than it actually is, while men judge their own performance as better
thanitactuallyis.Assessments ofstudentsinasurgeryrotationfound
that when asked to evaluate themselves, the female students gave
themselves lower scores than the male students despite faculty
evaluationsthatshowedthewomenoutperformedthemen.
4
Asurveyof
several thousand potential political candidates revealed that despite
having comparable credentials, the men were about 60 percent more
likelytothinkthattheywere“veryqualified”torunforpoliticaloffice.
5
A study of close to one thousand Harvard law students found that in
almosteverycategoryofskillsrelevanttopracticinglaw,womengave
themselveslowerscoresthanmen.
6
Evenworse,whenwomenevaluate
themselvesinfrontofotherpeopleorinstereotypicallymaledomains,
theirunderestimationscanbecomeevenmorepronounced.
7
Askamantoexplainhissuccessandhewilltypicallycredithisown
innatequalitiesandskills.Askawomanthesamequestionandshewill
attributeher successto external factors, insisting shedid well because
she“workedreallyhard,”or“gotlucky,”or“hadhelpfromothers.”Men
andwomenalsodifferwhenitcomestoexplainingfailure.Whenaman
fails,hepointstofactorslike“didn’tstudyenough”or“notinterestedin
thesubjectmatter.”Whenawomanfails,sheismorelikelytobelieveit
isduetoaninherentlackofability.
8
Andinsituationswhereamanand
a woman each receive negative feedback, the woman’s self-confidence
andself-esteemdroptoamuch greater degree.
9
Theinternalizationof
failure and the insecurity it breeds hurt future performance, so this
patternhasseriouslong-termconsequences.
10
Andit’snotjustwomenwhoaretoughonthemselves.Colleaguesand
the media are also quick to credit external factors for a woman’s
achievements. When Facebook filed to go public, The New York Times
rananarticlethatkindlyremindedme—andeveryoneelse—thatIhad
“beenlucky”and“hadpowerfulmentorsalongthe way.”
11
 Journalists
andbloggersroseuptohighlightthedoublestandard,pointingoutthat
TheNewYorkTimesrarelyascribedmen’ssuccesstohavingbeenlucky.
ButtheTimesdidn’tsayanythingthat I hadnot already told myselfa
thousand times. At every stage of my career, I have attributed my

successtoluck,hardwork,andhelpfromothers.

Myinsecuritybegan,asmostinsecuritiesdo,inhighschool.Iattended

abigpublicschoolinMiami—thinkFastTimesatRidgemontHigh—that

wasfarmoreconcernedwithpreventingfightsinthehallsandkeeping

drugsoutofthebathroomsthanwithacademics.WhenIwasaccepted

intoHarvard,manyofmyhighschoolclassmatesaskedmewhyIwould

want to go to a school filled with geeks. Then they would stop short,

rememberwhotheyweretalkingto,andsheepishlywalkawaywithout

waitingforananswer,realizingtheyalreadyhadit.

Freshmanyearofcollegewasahugeshock for me. Firstsemester,I

took a course called The Concept of the Hero in Hellenic Civilization,

whichwasnicknamedHeroesforZeroes.Ididn’thaveaburningdesire

to study Greek mythology, but it was the easiest way to fulfill the

literature requirement. The professor began the first lecture by asking

which students had read thesebooks before.I whisperedto my friend

nexttome,“Whatbooks?”“TheIliadandTheOdyssey, of course,” she

replied.Almosteverysinglehandwentup.Notmine.Theprofessorthen

asked,“Andwhohasreadthesebooksintheoriginal?”“Whatoriginal?”

I asked my friend. “Homeric Greek,” she replied. A good third of the

classkepttheirhandsup.Itseemedprettyclearthat I was one of the

zeroes.

A few weeks later, my professor of political philosophy assigned a

five-page paper. I was panicked. Five whole pages! I had only written

onepaperofthatlengthinhighschool,anditwasayear-longproject.

Howcouldanyonewritefivepagesinjustoneweek?Istayedinevery

night, plugging away, and based on the time I put in, I should have

gottenanAforeffort.IgotaC.ItisvirtuallyimpossibletogetaCat

Harvardiftheassignmentisturnedin.Iamnotexaggerating—thiswas

theequivalentof a failing grade. Iwentto see my dormproctor,who

workedattheadmissionsoffice.ShetoldmethatIhadbeenadmittedto

Harvard for my personality, not my academic potential. Very

comforting.

I buckled down, worked harder, and by the end of the semester, I

learned how to write five-page papers. But no matter how well I did

academically,IalwaysfeltlikeIwasabouttogetcaughtfornotreally

knowing anything. It wasn’t until I heard the Phi Beta Kappa speech

aboutself-doubtthatitstruckme:therealissuewasnotthatIfeltlikea

fraud, but that I could feel something deeply and profoundly and be

completelywrong.

I should have understood that this kind of self-doubt was more

common for females from growing up with my brother. David is two

years younger than I am and one of the people in the world whom I

respectandlovethemost.Athome,hesplitschildcaredutieswithhis

wife fifty-fifty; at work, he’s a pediatric neurosurgeon whose days are

filled with heart-wrenching life-and-death decisions. Although we had

thesameupbringing,Davidhasalwaysbeenmoreconfident.Once,back

inhighschool,webothhadSaturdaynightdateswhocanceledonusin

thelateafternoon.Ispent the rest of theweekendmopingaroundthe

house, wondering what was wrong with me. David laughed off the

rejection,announcing,“Thatgirlmissedoutonagreatthing,”andwent

offtoplaybasketballwithhisfriends.Luckily,Ihadmyyoungersister,

wiseandempatheticwaybeyondheryears,toconsoleme.

Afewyearslater,Davidjoinedmeatcollege.WhenIwasaseniorand

he was a sophomore, we took a class in European intellectual history

together. My roommate, Carrie, also took the class, which was a huge

helpsinceshewasacomparativeliteraturemajor.Carriewenttoallof

the lectures and read all ten of the assigned books—in the original

languages(andbythen,Iknewwhatthosewere).Iwenttoalmostallof

the lectures and read all of the books—in English. David went to two

lectures,readonebook,andthenmarchedhimselfuptoourroomtoget

tutored for the final exam. We all sat together for the test, scribbling

furiouslyforthreehoursinourlittlebluebooks.Whenwewalkedout,

we asked one another how it went. I was upset. I had forgotten to

connecttheFreudianidtoSchopenhauer’sconceptionofthewill.Carrie,

too,wasconcernedandconfessedthatshehadn’tadequatelyexplained

Kant’sdistinctionbetweenthesublimeandthebeautiful.Weturned to

my brother. How did he feel about the test? “I got the flat one,” he

announced.“Theflatone?”weasked.“Yeah,”hesaid,“theflatA.”

Hewasright.Hedidgettheflatone.Actually,weallgotflatA’son

theexam.Mybrotherwas notoverconfident.CarrieandIwereoverly

insecure.

These experiences taught me that I needed to make both an

intellectualandanemotionaladjustment.Ilearnedovertimethatwhile

itwashardtoshakefeelingsofself-doubt,Icouldunderstandthatthere

was a distortion. I would never possess my brother’s effortless

confidence, but I could challenge the notion that I was constantly

headedforfailure.WhenIfeltlikeIwasnotcapableofdoingsomething,

I’dremindmyselfthatIdidnotfailallofmyexamsincollege.Oreven

one.Ilearnedtoundistortthedistortion.

We all know supremely confident people who have no right to feel

thatway.Wealsoallknowpeoplewhocoulddosomuchmoreifonly

theybelievedinthemselves.Like somanythings,alackofconfidence

can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t know how to convince

anyonetobelievedeepdownthatsheisthebestpersonforthejob,not

evenmyself.Tothisday,IjokethatIwishIcouldspenda few hours

feeling as self-confident as my brother. It must feel so, so good—like

receivingacosmicflatoneeveryday.

WhenIdon’tfeelconfident,onetacticI’velearnedisthatitsometimes

helpstofakeit.I discoveredthiswhenIwasanaerobics instructorin

the 1980s (which meant a silver leotard, leg warmers, and a shiny

headband,allofwhichwentperfectlywithmybighair).Influencedby

thegospelofJaneFonda,aerobicsalsomeantsmilingsolidlyforafull

hour.Somedays,thesmilecamenaturally.Otherdays,Iwasinalousy

moodandhadtofakeit.Yetafteranhourofforcedsmiling,Ioftenfelt

cheerful.

Many of us have experienced being angry with someone and then

havingtopretendeverything’sgreatinpublic.Myhusband,Dave,andI

haveourmoments,andjustwhenwearegettingintoit,itwillbetime

togotoafriend’shousefordinner.Weputonour“everything’sgreat”

smiles,andamazingly,afterafewhours,itoftenis.

Research backs up this “fake it till you feel it” strategy. One study

foundthatwhenpeopleassumedahigh-powerpose(forexample,taking

upspacebyspreadingtheirlimbs)forjusttwominutes,theirdominance

hormone levels (testosterone) went up and their stress hormone levels

(cortisol)wentdown.Asaresult,theyfeltmorepowerfulandincharge

andshowedagreatertoleranceforrisk.Asimplechangeinpostureled

toasignificantchangeinattitude.

Iwouldnotsuggestthatanyonemovebeyondfeelingconfidentinto

arrogance or boastfulness. No one likes that in men or women. But

feelingconfident—orpretendingthatyoufeelconfident—isnecessaryto

reachforopportunities.It’sacliché,butopportunitiesarerarelyoffered;

they’reseized.DuringthesixandahalfyearsIworkedatGoogle,Ihired

a team of four thousand employees. I did not know all of them

personally,butIknewthetophundredorso.What Inoticedoverthe

years was that for the most part, the men reached for opportunities

muchmorequicklythanthewomen.Whenweannouncedtheopening

ofanewofficeorthelaunchof a newproject,themenwerebanging

downmydoorto explain why they should leadthecharge.Menwere

also more likely to chase a growth opportunity even before a new

opening was announced. They were impatient about their own

development and believed that they were capable of doing more. And

theywereoftenright—justlikemybrother.Thewomen,however,were

more cautious about changing roles and seeking out new challenges. I

oftenfoundmyselftryingtopersuadethemtoworkinnewareas.Ihave

had countless conversations where women responded to this

encouragement by saying, “I’m just not sure I’d be good at that.” Or

“Thatsoundsexciting,butI’veneverdoneanythinglikeitbefore.”Or“I

stillhavealottolearninmycurrentrole.”Irarely,ifever,heardthese

kindsofcommentsfrommen.

Givenhowfasttheworldmovestoday,grabbingopportunitiesismore

importantthanever.Fewmanagershavethetimetocarefullyconsider

alltheapplicantsforajob,muchlessconvincemorereticentpeopleto

apply.Andincreasingly,opportunitiesarenotwelldefinedbut,instead,

comefromsomeonejumpingintodosomething.Thatsomethingthen

becomeshisjob.

WhenIfirstjoinedFacebook,Iwasworkingwithateamtoanswerthe

critical question of how best to grow our business. The conversations

were getting heated, with many people arguing their own positions

strongly.Weendedtheweekwithoutconsensus.DanRose,leaderofour

dealteam,spenttheweekendgatheringmarketdatathatallowedusto

reframetheconversationinanalytics.Hiseffortbrokethelogjam.Ithen

expanded Dan’s responsibilities to include product marketing. Taking

initiativepays off. It is hard to visualizesomeone as a leader ifshe is

alwayswaitingtobetoldwhattodo.

PadmasreeWarrior,Cisco’schieftechnologyofficer,wasaskedbyThe

HuffingtonPost,“What’sthemostimportantlessonyou’velearnedfroma

mistakeyou’vemadeinthepast?”Sheresponded,“Isaidnotoalotof

opportunitieswhenIwasjuststartingoutbecauseIthought,‘That’snot

whatmydegreeisin’or‘Idon’tknowaboutthatdomain.’Inretrospect,

atacertainpointit’syourabilitytolearnquicklyandcontributequickly

thatmatters.OneofthethingsItellpeoplethesedaysisthatthereisno

perfectfitwhenyou’relookingforthenextbigthingtodo.Youhaveto

takeopportunitiesandmakeanopportunityfitforyou,ratherthanthe

otherwayaround.Theabilitytolearnis themostimportantqualitya

leadercanhave.”

Virginia Rometty, IBM’s first female CEO, told the audience at the

2011FortuneMostPowerfulWomenSummitthatearlyinhercareer,she

was offered a “big job.” She worried that she lacked the proper

experienceandtoldtherecruiterthatsheneededtothinkaboutit.That

night,shediscussedthe offer withherhusband,whopointedout,“Do

youthinkamanwouldhaveeveransweredthatquestionthatway?”

“Whatit taught mewas you haveto be veryconfident,” Ginni said.

“Eventhoughyou’resoself-criticalinsideaboutwhatitisyoumayor

maynotknow.Andthat,tome,leadstotakingrisks.”

I continue to be alarmed not just at how we as women fail to put

ourselvesforward,butalsoathowwefailtonoticeandcorrectforthis

gap.Andthat“we”includesme.Afewyearsago,Igaveatalkongender

issuestoafewhundredemployeesatFacebook.Aftermyspeech,Itook

questions for as long as time permitted. Later that afternoon, I came

backtomydesk,whereayoungwomanwaswaitingtotalktome.“I

learnedsomethingtoday,”shesaid.“What?”Iasked,feelinggood,asI

figured she was about to tell me how my words had touched her.

Instead, she said, “I learned to keepmy hand up.” Sheexplained that

towardtheendofmytalk,IhadsaidthatIwouldtakeonlytwomore

questions.Ididso,andthensheputherhanddown,alongwithallof

theotherwomen.Butseveralmenkepttheirhandsup.Andsincehands

werestillwavingintheair,Itookmorequestions—onlyfromthemen.

Insteadofmywordstouchingher,herwordshitmelikeatonofbricks.

EventhoughIwasgivingaspeechongenderissues,Ihadbeenblindto

onemyself.

If we want a world with greater equality, we need to acknowledge

thatwomenarelesslikelytokeeptheirhandsup.Weneedinstitutions

andindividualstonoticeandcorrectforthisbehaviorbyencouraging,

promoting,andchampioningmorewomen.Andwomenhavetolearnto

keep their hands up, because when they lower them, even managers

withthebestintentionsmightnotnotice.

WhenIfirststartedworkingforLarrySummers,thenchiefeconomist

attheWorldBank,hewasmarriedtoataxattorney,Vicki.Hewasvery

supportiveofVicki’scareerandusedtourgeherto“billlikeaboy.”His

viewwasthatthemenconsideredanytimetheyspentthinkingaboutan

issue—even time in the shower—as billable hours. His wife and her

female colleagues, however, would decide that they were not at their

bestonagivendayanddiscounthourstheyspentattheirdeskstobe

fair to the client. Which lawyerswere more valuable to that firm? To

makehispoint,Larrytoldthemthestoryof a renowned HarvardLaw

School professor who was asked by a judge to itemize a bill. The

professorrespondedthathecouldnotbecausehewassooftenthinking

abouttwothingsatonce.

Evennow,I’malongwayfrommasteringtheartoffeelingconfident.

In August 2011, Forbes put out its annual World’s 100 Most Powerful

Womenlist.

I’msavvyenoughtoknowthatthelistwasn’tbasedona

scientific formula and that magazines love these features because they

generatelotsofpageviewsasreadersclickthrougheachname.Still,I

wasshocked—no,horrified—tolearnthatForbesrankedmeasthefifth

most powerful woman in the world, right after German chancellor

Angela Merkel, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Brazilian president

DilmaRousseff,andtheCEOofPepsiCo,IndraNooyi.Thisputmeahead

of First Lady Michelle Obama and Indian politician Sonia Gandhi.

Absurd.Myown mother called to say,“Well,dear, I do think youare

verypowerful,butIamnotsureyouaremorepowerfulthanMichelle

Obama.”Youthink?

Far from feeling powerful, I felt embarrassed and exposed. When

colleaguesatFacebookstoppedmeinthehallstosaycongratulations,I

pronounced the list “ridiculous.” When friends posted the link on

Facebook,Iaskedthemtotakeitdown.Afterafewdays,mylongtime

executiveassistant,CamilleHart,summonedmeintoaconferenceroom

andclosedthedoor.Thiswasserious.ShetoldmethatIwashandling

theForbesthingpoorlyandthatIneededtostopsubjectinganyonewho

broughtupthelisttoadiatribeonitsabsurdity.Iwasshowingtoomany

peoplehowuncomfortableIfeltandrevealingmyinsecurity.Instead,I

neededtosimplysay,“Thankyou.”

WeallneedcolleagueslikeCamille,whowashonestenoughtopoint

outmyless-than-graciousresponse.Shewasright.Whetherthelistwas

ridiculousornot,Ididn’twriteitandIdidn’thavetoreactnegativelyto

it.Idoubtamanwouldhavefeltsooverwhelmedbyothers’perception

ofhispower.

Iknowthatmysuccesscomesfromhardwork,helpfromothers,and

being at the right place at the right time. I feel a deep and enduring

sense of gratitude to those who have given me opportunities and

support.Irecognizethesheerluckofbeingbornintomyfamilyinthe

United States rather than one of the many places in the world where

womenaredeniedbasicrights.Ibelievethatallofus—menandwomen

alike—shouldacknowledgegoodfortuneandthankthepeoplewhohave

helpedus.Nooneaccomplishesanythingallalone.

But I also know that in order to continue to grow and challenge

myself,Ihavetobelieveinmyownabilities.IstillfacesituationsthatI

feararebeyondmycapabilities.IstillhavedayswhenIfeellikeafraud.

AndIstillsometimesfindmyselfspokenoveranddiscountedwhilemen

sittingnexttomearenot.ButnowIknowhowtotakeadeepbreath

andkeepmyhandup.Ihavelearnedtositatthetable.

SuccessandLikeability

OKAY, so all a woman has to do is ignore society’s expectations, be

ambitious,sitatthetable,workhard,andthenit’ssmoothsailingallthe

way.Whatcouldpossiblygowrong?

In 2003, Columbia Business School professor Frank Flynn and New

YorkUniversityprofessorCameronAndersonrananexperimenttotest

perceptionsofmenandwomenintheworkplace.

Theystartedwitha

HarvardBusinessSchoolcasestudyaboutareal-lifeentrepreneurnamed

Heidi Roizen. The case described how Roizen became a successful

venture capitalist by using her “outgoing personality … and vast

personal and professional network [that] included many of the most

powerful business leaders in the technology sector.”

 Flynn and

AndersonassignedhalfofthestudentstoreadHeidi’sstoryandgavethe

other half the same story with just one difference—they changed the

name“Heidi”to“Howard.”

Professors Flynn and Anderson then polled the students about their

impressionsofHeidiorHoward.ThestudentsratedHeidiandHoward

asequallycompetent,whichmadesensesince“their”accomplishments

werecompletelyidentical.YetwhilestudentsrespectedbothHeidiand

Howard,Howardcameacrossasamoreappealingcolleague.Heidi,on

the other hand, was seen as selfish and not “the type of person you

wouldwanttohireorworkfor.”Thesamedatawithasingledifference

—gender—createdvastlydifferentimpressions.

This experiment supports what research has already clearly shown:

successandlikeabilityarepositivelycorrelatedformenandnegatively

correlated for women.

 When a man is successful, he is liked by both

menandwomen.Whenawomanissuccessful,peopleofbothgenders

like her less. This truth is both shocking and unsurprising: shocking

becausenoonewouldeveradmittostereotypingonthebasisofgender

andunsurprisingbecauseclearlywedo.

Decades of social science studies have confirmed what the

Heidi/Howardcasestudysoblatantlydemonstrates:weevaluatepeople

basedonstereotypes(gender,race,nationality,andage,amongothers).

Our stereotype of men holds that they are providers, decisive, and

driven. Our stereotype of women holds that they are caregivers,

sensitive, and communal. Because we characterize men and women in

opposition to each other, professional achievement and all the traits

associated with it get placed in the male column. By focusing on her

career and taking a calculated approach to amassing power, Heidi

violatedourstereotypicalexpectationsofwomen.Yetbybehavinginthe

exactsamemanner,Howardliveduptoourstereotypicalexpectationsof

men.Theendresult?Likedhim,dislikedher.

Ibelievethisbiasisattheverycoreofwhywomenareheldback.Itis

also at the very core of why women hold themselves back. For men,

professionalsuccesscomeswithpositivereinforcementateverystepof

the way. For women, even when they’re recognized for their

achievements, they’re often regarded unfavorably. Journalist Shankar

Vedantamoncecatalogedthederogatorydescriptionsofsomeofthefirst

female world leaders. “England’s Margaret Thatcher,” he wrote, “was

called‘AttilatheHen.’GoldaMeir,Israel’sfirstfemalePrimeMinister,

was‘theonlymanintheCabinet.’PresidentRichardNixoncalledIndira

Gandhi,India’sfirstfemalePrimeMinister,‘theoldwitch.’AndAngela

Merkel, the current chancellor of Germany, has been dubbed ‘the iron

frau.’”

I have seen this dynamic play out over and over. When a woman

excelsatherjob,bothmaleandfemalecoworkerswillremarkthatshe

maybeaccomplishingalotbutis“notaswell-likedbyherpeers.”Sheis

probably also “too aggressive,” “not a team player,” “a bit political,”

“can’tbetrusted,”or“difficult.”Atleast,thoseareallthingsthathave

beensaidaboutmeandalmosteveryseniorwomanIknow.Theworld

seems to be asking why we can’t be less like Heidi and more like

Howard.

MostwomenhaveneverheardoftheHeidi/Howardstudy.Mostofus

arenevertoldaboutthisdownsideofachievement.Still,wesensethis

punishmentforsuccess.We’reawarethatwhenawomanactsforcefully

or competitively, she’s deviating from expected behavior. If a woman

pushestogetthejobdone,ifshe’shighlycompetent,ifshefocuseson

resultsratherthanonpleasingothers,she’sactinglikeaman.Andifshe

actslikeaman,peopledislikeher.Inresponsetothisnegativereaction,

wetemperourprofessionalgoals.AuthorKenAulettasummarizedthis

phenomenoninTheNewYorkerwhenheobservedthatforwomen,“self-

doubt becomes a form of self-defense.”

 In order to protect ourselves

from being disliked, we question our abilities and downplay our

achievements, especially in the presence of others. We put ourselves

downbeforeotherscan.

During the summer between my first and second year in business

school,Ireceivedaletterinthemailcongratulatingmeonbecominga

Henry Ford Scholar for having the highest first-year academic record.

Thecheckwas for $714.28, anoddnumberthat immediately signaled

thatseveralstudentshadsplittheprize.Whenwereturnedtoschoolfor

oursecondyear,sixmenletitbeknownthattheyhadwonthisaward.I

multiplied my check by sevenand it revealed a nearly round number.

Mysterysolved.Thereweresevenofus—sixmenandme.

Unlike the other six winners, I didn’t let my award status become

general knowledge. I told only my closest friend, Stephen Paul, and

knewhewouldkeepmysecret.Onthesurface,thisdecisionmighthave

workedagainstme,sincegradesatHarvardBusiness School are based

50percentonclassparticipation.Professorsteachninety-minuteclasses

and are not allowed to write anything down, so they have to rely on

theirmemoryofclassdiscussion.Whenastudentmakesacommentthat

others refer to—“If I can build on what Tom said …”—that helps the

professorrememberthecriticalpointsandwhomadethem.Justasin

reallife,performanceishighlydependentuponthereactionpeoplehave

to one another. The other six Ford Scholars quickly became the most-

quoted speakers as their academic standing gave them instant

credibility. They also received early job offers from prestigious

employersbeforetheofficialrecruitingperiodevenbegan.One day in

class, one of the exalted six made a comment that, to my mind,

demonstrated that he had not even read the case being discussed.

Everyone fawned all over him. I wondered if I was making a huge

mistakenotlettingpeopleknowthatIwastheseventhstudent.Itwould

have been nice to float through my second year of business school

withoutevenreadingthematerial.

But I never really considered going public. I instinctively knew that

lettingmyacademicperformancebecomeknownwasabadidea.Years

later,whenIlearnedabouttheHeidi/Howardcasestudy,Iunderstood

thereasonwhy.Beingatthetopoftheclassmayhavemadelifeeasier

formymalepeers,butitwouldhavemademylifeharder.

I did not reach this conclusion in a vacuum. All through my life,

culturallyreinforcedsignalscautionedmeagainstbeingbrandedastoo

smartortoosuccessful.Itstartsyoung.Asagirl,youknowthatbeing

smart is good in lots of ways, but it doesn’t make you particularly

popularorattractivetoboys.Inschool,Iwascalledthe“smartestgirlin

theclass.”Ihatedthatdescription.Whowantstogotothepromwith

the smartest girl in the class? Senior year, my class voted me “most

likelytosucceed,”alongwithaboy.Iwasn’tgoingtotakeanychances

withtheprom,soIconvincedmyfriend,whoworkedontheyearbook,

toremovemyname.Igotapromdatewhowasfunandlovedsports.In

fact,helovedsportssomuchthattwodaysbeforetheprom,hecanceled

on me to go to a basketball game, saying, “I know you’ll understand

sincegoingtotheplayoffsisaonce-in-a-lifetimeopportunity.”Ididnot

pointoutthatasahighschoolgirl,Ithoughtgoingtothepromwasa

once-in-a-lifetimeopportunity.Luckily,Ifoundanewdatewhowasless

ofasportsfan.

Ineverreally thought about why Iwentto such efforts tomutemy

achievements from such a young age. Then, about ten years after I

graduatedfrombusinessschool,IwasseatedatdinnernexttoDeborah

Gruenfeld, a professor of leadership and organizational behavior at

Stanford, and our friendly small talk quickly turned into an intense

discussion. Having studied this issue, Professor Gruenfeld was able to

explainthepricewomenpayforsuccess.“Ourentrenchedculturalideas

associate men with leadership qualities and women with nurturing

qualities and put women in a double bind,” she said. “We believe not

onlythatwomenarenurturing,butthattheyshouldbenurturingabove

allelse.Whenawomandoesanythingthatsignalsshemightnotbenice

first and foremost, it creates a negative impression and makes us

uncomfortable.”

Ifawomaniscompetent,shedoesnotseemniceenough.Ifawoman

seems really nice, she is considered more nice than competent. Since

people want to hire and promote those who are both competent and

nice, this creates a huge stumbling block for women. Acting in

stereotypically feminine ways makes it difficult to reach for the same

opportunities as men, but defying expectations and reaching for those

opportunitiesleadstobeingjudgedasundeservingandselfish.Nothing

has changed since high school; intelligence and success are not clear

pathstopopularityatanyage.Thiscomplicateseverything,becauseat

thesametimethatwomenneedtositatthetableandowntheirsuccess,

doingsocausesthemtobelikedless.

Most people, myself included, really want to be liked—and not just

becauseitfeelsgood.Beinglikedisalsoakeyfactorinbothprofessional

andpersonalsuccess.Awillingnesstomakeanintroductionoradvocate

for or promote someone depends upon having positive feelings about

thatperson.Weneedtobelieveinherabilitytodothejobandgetalong

witheveryonewhiledoingit.That’swhy,instinctively,manyofusfeel

pressuretomuteouraccomplishments.

InOctober2011,JocelynGoldfein,oneoftheengineeringdirectorsat

Facebook, held a meeting with our female engineers where she

encouragedthemtosharetheprogresstheyhadmadeontheproducts

theywerebuilding.Silence.Noonewantedtotootherownhorn.Who

would want to speak up when self-promoting women are disliked?

Jocelyn switched her approach. Instead of asking the women to talk

about themselves, she asked them to tell one another’s stories. The

exercisebecamecommunal,whichputeveryoneatease.

Owning one’s success is key to achieving more success. Professional

advancement depends upon people believing that an employee is

contributingtogoodresults.Mencancomfortablyclaimcreditforwhat

they do as long as they don’t veer into arrogance. For women, taking

creditcomesatarealsocialandprofessionalcost.Infact,awomanwho

explains why she is qualified or mentions previous successes in a job

interviewcanlowerherchancesofgettinghired.

As if this double bind were not enough to navigate, gendered

stereotypes can also lead to women having to do additional work

withoutadditionalreward.Whenamanhelpsacolleague,therecipient

feelsindebtedtohimandishighlylikelytoreturnthefavor.Butwhena

woman helps out, the feeling of indebtedness is weaker. She’s

communal,right?Shewantstohelpothers.ProfessorFlynncallsthisthe

“gender discount” problem, and it means that women are paying a

professionalpenaltyfortheirpresumeddesiretobecommunal.
10
Onthe
otherhand,whenamanhelpsacoworker,it’sconsideredanimposition
and he is compensated with more favorable performance evaluations
and rewards like salary increases and bonuses. Even more frustrating,
when a woman declines to help a colleague, she often receives less
favorablereviewsandfewerrewards.Butamanwhodeclinestohelp?
Hepaysnopenalty.
11
Because of these unfair expectations, women find themselves in
“damned if they do” and “doomed if they don’t” situations.
12
 This is
especiallytruewhenitcomestonegotiationsconcerningcompensation,
benefits,titles,andotherperks.Byandlarge,mennegotiatemorethan
women.
13
 A study that looked at the starting salaries of students
graduating with a master’s degree from Carnegie Mellon University
found that 57 percent of the malestudents, but only 7 percentof the
female students, tried to negotiate for a higher offer.
14
 But instead of
blaming women for not negotiating more, we need to recognize that
womenoftenhavegoodcausetobereluctanttoadvocatefortheirown
interestsbecausedoingsocaneasilybackfire.
15
There is little downside when men negotiate for themselves. People
expect men to advocate on their own behalf, point out their
contributions,andberecognizedandrewardedforthem.Formen,there
is truly no harm in asking. But since women are expected to be
concerned with others, when they advocate for themselves or point to
theirownvalue,bothmenandwomenreactunfavorably.Interestingly,
women can negotiate as well as or even more successfully than men
when negotiating for others (such as their company or a colleague),
becauseinthesecases,theiradvocacydoesnotmakethemappearself-
serving.
16
However, when a womannegotiateson her own behalf, she
violates the perceived gender norm. Both male and female colleagues
often resist working with a woman who has negotiated for a higher
salary because she’s seen as more demanding than a woman who
refrained from negotiating.
17
 Even when a woman negotiates
successfullyforherself,shecanpayalonger-termcostingoodwilland
future advancement.
18
 Regrettably, all women are Heidi. Try as we
might,wejustcan’tbeHoward.
When I was negotiating with Facebook’s founder and CEO Mark
Zuckerberg for my compensation, he made me an offer thatI thought

wasfair.Wehadbeenhavingdinnerseveralnightsaweekformorethan

amonthandahalf,discussingFacebook’smissionandhisvisionforthe

future.Iwasreadytoacceptthejob.No,Iwasdyingtoacceptthejob.

My husband, Dave, kept telling me to negotiate, but I was afraid of

doinganythingthatmightbotchthedeal.Icouldplayhardball,butthen

maybeMarkwouldnotwanttoworkwithme.WasitworthitwhenI

knewthatultimatelyIwasgoingtoaccepttheoffer?Iconcludeditwas

not.ButrightbeforeIwasabouttosayyes,myexasperatedbrother-in-

law,MarcBodnick,blurtedout,“Damnit,Sheryl!Whyareyougoingto

makelessthananymanwouldmaketodothesamejob?”

Mybrother-in-lawdidn’tknowthedetailsofmydeal.Hispointwas

simply that no man at my level would consider taking the first offer.

Thiswasmotivating.IwentbacktoMarkandsaidthatIcouldn’taccept,

butIprefaceditbytellinghim,“Ofcourseyourealizethatyou’rehiring

metorunyourdealteams,soyouwantmetobeagoodnegotiator.This

istheonlytimeyouandIwilleverbeonoppositesidesofthetable.”

ThenInegotiatedhard,followedbyanervousnightwonderingifIhad

blown it. But Mark called me the next day. He resolved the gap by

improvingmyoffer,extendingthetermsofmycontractfromfourtofive

years and allowing me to buy into the company as well. His creative

solution not only closed the deal, but also set us up for a longer-term

alignmentofinterests.

Thegoalofasuccessfulnegotiationistoachieveourobjectivesand

continue to have people like us. Professor Hannah Riley Bowles, who

studies gender and negotiations at Harvard’s Kennedy School of

Government, believes that women can increase their chances of

achievingadesiredoutcomebydoingtwothingsincombination.

First,

women must come across as being nice, concerned about others, and

“appropriately” female. When women take a more instrumental

approach (“This is what I want and deserve”), people react far more

negatively.

There is a saying, “Think globally, act locally.” When negotiating,

“Think personally, act communally.” I have advised many women to

prefacenegotiationsbyexplainingthattheyknowthatwomenoftenget

paidlessthanmensotheyaregoingtonegotiateratherthanacceptthe

originaloffer.Bydoingso,womenpositionthemselvesasconnectedtoa

groupandnotjustoutforthemselves;ineffect,theyarenegotiatingfor

all women. And as silly as it sounds, pronouns matter. Whenever

possible,womenshouldsubstitute“we”for“I.”Awoman’srequestwill

bebetterreceivedifsheasserts,“Wehadagreatyear,”asopposedto“I

hadagreatyear.”

But a communal approach is not enough. According to Professor

Bowles, the second thing women must do is provide a legitimate

explanation for the negotiation.

 Men don’t have to legitimize their

negotiations; they are expected to look out for themselves. Women,

however, have to justify their requests. One way of doing this is to

suggest that someone more senior encouraged the negotiation (“My

managersuggestedItalkwithyouaboutmycompensation”)ortocite

industrystandards(“Myunderstandingisthatjobsthatinvolvethislevel

ofresponsibilityarecompensatedinthisrange”).Still,everynegotiation

isunique,sowomenmustadjusttheirapproachaccordingly.

Tellingacurrentemployeraboutanofferfromanothercompanyisa

commontacticbutworksformenmoreeasilythanforwomen.Menare

allowed to be focused on their own achievements, while loyalty is

expected from women. Also, just being nice is not a winning strategy.

Nice sends a message that the woman is willing to sacrifice pay to be

likedbyothers.This is why a womanneedstocombinenicenesswith

insistence,astylethatMarySueColeman,presidentoftheUniversityof

Michigan, calls “relentlessly pleasant.”

 This method requires smiling

frequently, expressing appreciation and concern, invoking common

interests,emphasizinglargergoals,andapproachingthenegotiationas

solving a problem as opposed to taking a critical stance.

 Most

negotiations involve drawn-out, successive moves, so women need to

stayfocused…andsmile.

Nowonderwomendon’tnegotiateasmuchasmen.It’sliketryingto

crossaminefieldbackwardinhighheels.Sowhatshouldwedo?Should

weplaybytherulesthatotherscreated?Shouldwefigureoutawayto

put on a friendly expression while not being too nice, displaying the

right levels of loyalty and using “we” language? I understand the

paradoxofadvisingwomentochangetheworldbyadheringtobiased

rulesandexpectations.Iknowitisnotaperfectanswerbutameanstoa

desirableend.Itisalsotrue,asanygoodnegotiatorknows,thathaving

abetterunderstandingoftheothersideleadstoasuperioroutcome.So

at the very least, women can enter these negotiations with the

knowledge that showing concern for the common good, even as they

negotiateforthemselves,willstrengthentheirposition.

Inaddition,therearehugebenefitstocommunaleffortinandofitself.

By definition, all organizations consist of people working together.

Focusingonthe teamleadstobetterresults forthesimplereasonthat

well-functioninggroupsarestrongerthanindividuals.Teamsthatwork

togetherwelloutperformthosethatdon’t.Andsuccessfeelsbetterwhen

it’s shared with others. So perhaps one positive result of having more

womenatthetopisthatourleaderswillhavebeentrainedtocaremore

aboutthewell-beingofothers.Myhope,ofcourse,isthatwewon’thave

toplaybythesearchaicrulesforeverandthateventuallywecanalljust

beourselves.

We still have a long way to go. In November 2011, San Francisco

magazine ran a story on female entrepreneurs in Silicon Valley and

illustrated it by superimposing the featured women’s heads onto male

bodies.

 The only body type they could imagine for successful

entrepreneurship was wearing a tie or a hoodie. Our culture needs to

findarobustimageoffemalesuccessthatisfirst,notmale,andsecond,

notawhitewomanonthephone,holdingacryingbaby.Infact,these

“badmotherwithabriefcase”imagesaresoprevalentthatwriterJessica

Valenti collected them in a funny and poignant blog post called “Sad

WhiteBabieswithMeanFeministMommies.”

Until we can get there, I fear that women will continue to sacrifice

beinglikedforbeingsuccessful.WhenIfirstarrivedatFacebook,alocal

blogdevotedsomeseriouspixelstotrashingme.Theypostedapicture

ofmeandsuperimposedagunintomyhand.Theywrote“liar”inbig

redlettersacrossmyface. Anonymous sources labeled me “two-faced”

and “about to ruin Facebook forever.” I cried. I lost some sleep. I

worried that my career was over. Then I told myself it didn’t matter.

Theneveryoneelsetoldmeitdidn’tmatter—whichonlyremindedme

thattheywerereadingtheseawfulcommentstoo.Ifantasizedaboutall

sortsofrejoinders,butintheend,mybestresponsewastoignorethe

attacksanddomyjob.

Arianna Huffington, founder of The Huffington Post, believes that

learning to withstand criticism is a necessity for women. Early in her

career,Ariannarealizedthatthecostofspeakinghermindwasthatshe

wouldinevitablyoffendsomeone.Shedoesnotbelieveitisrealisticor

even desirable to tell women not to care when we are attacked. Her

advice is that we should let ourselves react emotionally and feel

whateverangerorsadnessbeingcriticizedevokesforus. Andthenwe

should quickly move on. She points to children as her role model. A

childcancryonemomentandrunofftoplaythenext.Forme,thishas

beengoodadvice.IwishIwerestrongenoughtoignorewhatotherssay,

butexperiencetellsmeIoftencan’t.Allowingmyselftofeelupset,even

reallyupset,andthenmoveon—that’ssomethingIcando.

Italsohelpstoleanononeanother.We can comfortourselveswith

theknowledgethattheattacksarenotpersonal.Wecanjoke,asMarlo

Thomasdid,that“amanhastobeJoeMcCarthyinordertobecalled

ruthless.Allawomanneedstodoisputyouonhold.”Realchangewill

comewhenpowerfulwomenarelessofanexception.Itiseasytodislike

seniorwomenbecausetherearesofew.Ifwomenheld50percentofthe

topjobs,itwouldjustnotbepossibletodislikethatmanypeople.

SharonMeerswasmotivatedtowriteGettingto50/50afterobserving

thiskindoftippingpointfirsthand.Inthelate1990s,AmyGoodfriend

was chosen to lead Goldman Sachs’s U.S. derivatives team (and later

becamethefirstfemalepartnerintheEquitiesDivision).Itwasaseismic

eventandcausedfourseniormentoquitthegroup.Amyfacedalotof

skepticismandcriticism.BeforeSharonjoinedtheteam,amale friend

toldher,“Amy’sabitch,butanhonestbitch.”SharonfoundthatAmy

wasagreatboss,andoverthenextfewyears,thederivativesgroupwas

transformed under her leadership. Once there were more than five

female managing directors in the division—a critical mass—the

negativityandgrumblingbegantodiedown.Itbecamenormaltohave

female leaders, and by 2000, the stigma seemed to have dissipated.

Sadly,whenthoseseniorwomenlaterleftandthecriticalmassshrank,

thefaiththatwomencouldbeassuccessfulastheirmalepeersshrank

withit.

Everyone needs to get more comfortable with female leaders—

includingfemaleleadersthemselves.Since1999,editorPattieSellersof

Fortunemagazinehas overseenanannualconferencethatshecalls the

MostPowerfulWomenSummit.Onmyfirstnighttherein2005,Iwasin

the lounge with two close friends, Diana Farrell, then head of the

McKinseyGlobalInstitute,andSueDecker,thenCFOofYahoo.Wewere

talkingaboutthenameoftheconference,andImentionedthatwhenI

sawthetitleonGoogle’scorporatecalendar,IrantofindCamilletoask

her to change the name to “Fortune Women’s Conference.” Diana and

Suelaughedandsaidthattheyhaddonetheexactsamething.

Later,Pattieexplainedthatsheandhercolleagueschosethisnameon

purpose to force women to confront their own power and feel more

comfortablewiththatword.Istillstrugglewiththis.Iamfineapplying

the word “powerful” to other women—the more the better—but I still

shakemyheadindenialwhenitisappliedtome.Thenaggingvoicein

the back of my head reminds me, as it did in business school, “Don’t

flauntyoursuccess,orevenletpeopleknowaboutyoursuccess.Ifyou

do,peoplewon’tlikeyou.”

LessthansixmonthsafterIstartedatFacebook,MarkandIsatdown

for my first formal review. One of the things he told me was that my

desiretobelikedbyeveryonewouldholdmeback.Hesaidthatwhen

youwanttochangethings,youcan’tpleaseeveryone.Ifyoudoplease

everyone,youaren’tmakingenoughprogress.Markwasright.

It’saJungleGym,

NotaLadder

ABOUTAMONTHAFTERIjoinedFacebook,IgotacallfromLoriGoler,ahighly

regardedseniordirectorofmarketingateBay.IknewLoriabitsocially,

but she madeit clear this was a business call and cut to the chase. “I

wanttoapply to work with youat Facebook,” she said. “SoIthought

aboutcallingyouandtellingyouallofthethingsI’mgoodatandallof

thethingsIliketodo.ThenIfiguredthateveryonewasdoingthat.So

instead,Iwanttoaskyou:Whatisyourbiggestproblem,andhowcanI

solveit?”

Myjawhitthefloor.Ihadhiredthousandsofpeopleovertheprevious

decade and no one had ever said anything remotely like that. People

usually focus on finding the right role for themselves, with the

implicationthattheirskillswillhelpthecompany.LoriputFacebook’s

needsfrontandcenter.Itwasakillerapproach.Iresponded,“Recruiting

ismybiggestproblem.And,yes,youcansolveit.”

Lorineverdreamedshewouldworkinrecruiting,butshejumpedin.

Sheevenagreedtodropdownalevel,sincethiswasanewfieldforher

andshewaswillingtotradeseniorityforacquiringnewskills.Loridida

great job running recruiting and within months was promoted to her

currentjob,leadingPeople@Facebook.WhenIaskedherrecentlyifshe

wanted to go back to marketing someday, she responded that she

believeshumanresourcesallowshertohaveagreateroverallimpact.

Themostcommonmetaphorforcareersisaladder,butthisconcept

no longer applies to most workers. As of 2010, the average American

hadelevenjobsfromtheagesofeighteentoforty-sixalone.

Thismeans

thatthedaysofjoininganorganizationorcorporationandstayingthere

toclimbthatoneladderarelonggone.LorioftenquotesPattieSellers,

whoconceivedamuchbettermetaphor:“Careersareajunglegym,nota

ladder.”

As Lori describes it, ladders are limiting—people can move up or

down, on or off. Jungle gyms offer more creative exploration. There’s

onlyonewaytogettothetopofaladder,buttherearemanywaysto

gettothetopofajunglegym.Thejunglegymmodelbenefitseveryone,

butespeciallywomenwhomightbestartingcareers,switchingcareers,

getting blocked by external barriers, or reentering the workforce after

takingtimeoff.Theabilitytoforgeauniquepathwithoccasionaldips,

detours, and even dead ends presents a better chance for fulfillment.

Plus,ajunglegymprovidesgreatviewsformanypeople,notjustthose

atthetop.Onaladder,mostclimbersarestuckstaringatthebuttofthe

personabove.

Ajunglegymscrambleisthebestdescriptionofmycareer.Younger

colleaguesandstudentsfrequentlyaskmehowIplannedmypath.When

I tell them that I didn’t, they usually react with surprise followed by

relief. They seem encouraged to know that careers do not need to be

mapped out from the start. This is especially comforting in a tough

market where job seekers often have to accept what is available and

hopethatitpointsinadesirabledirection.Weallwantajoborrolethat

truly excites and engages us. This search requires both focus and

flexibility,soIrecommendadoptingtwoconcurrentgoals:along-term

dreamandaneighteen-monthplan.

IcouldneverhaveconnectedthedotsfromwhereIstartedtowhereI

am today. For one thing, Mark Zuckerberg was only seven years old

whenIgraduatedfromcollege.Also,backthen,technologyandIdidnot

exactlyhaveagreatrelationship.IusedHarvard’scomputersystemonly

onceasanundergraduate,torunregressionsformyseniorthesisonthe

economics of spousal abuse. The data was stored on large, heavy

magnetictapesthatIhadtoluginbigboxesacrosscampus,cursingthe

entireway and arrivingin a sweaty mess at the sole computer center,

whichwaspopulatedexclusivelywithmalestudents.Ithenhadtostay

upallnightspinningthetapestoinputthedata.WhenItriedtoexecute

myfinalcalculations,Itookdowntheentiresystem.That’sright.Years

beforeMarkfamouslycrashedthatsameHarvardsystem,Ibeathimto

it.

WhenIgraduatedfromcollege,Ihadonlythevaguestnotionofwhere

Iwasheaded.Thisconfusionwasindeepcontrasttomyfather’sclear

conviction of what he wanted to do from a young age. When my dad

wassixteen,hefeltasharpabdominalpainduringabasketballpractice.

My grandmother—good Jewish mother that she was—assumed it was

hungerandfedhimabigdinner.Thatmadeitworse.Heendedupin

the hospital, where he was diagnosed with acute appendicitis, but

because he had eaten, they couldn’t operate for twelve excruciating

hours. The next morning, a surgeon removed his appendix and, along

withit,thepain.Myfatherchosehiscareerthatday,decidingthathe

wouldbecomeaphysiciansohecouldhelpeaseotherpeople’ssuffering.

My mother shared my father’s desire to help others. She was only

eleven when she heard her rabbi give a sermon on the importance of

civilrightsandtikkunolam,aHebrewphrasethatmeans“repairingthe

world.”Sherespondedtothecall,grabbingatincanandknockingon

doorstosupportcivilrightsworkersinthe South.Shehasremaineda

passionate volunteer and human rights activist ever since. I grew up

watchingmymotherworktirelesslyonbehalfofpersecutedJewsinthe

SovietUnion.SheandherfriendMargerySanfordwouldwriteheartfelt

appealscallingforthereleaseofpoliticalprisoners.Intheevenings,my

dad would join them. Thanks to the collective efforts of concerned

peopleallovertheworld,manylivesweresaved.

Throughoutmychildhood,myparentsemphasizedtheimportanceof

pursuingameaningfullife. Dinner discussionsoftencenteredonsocial

injusticeandthosefightingtomaketheworldabetterplace.Asachild,

I never thought about what I wanted tobe, but I thoughta lot about

whatIwantedtodo.Assappyasitsounds,Ihopedtochangetheworld.

My sister and brother both became doctors, and I always believed I

wouldworkatanonprofitoringovernment.Thatwasmydream.And

whileIdon’tbelieveinmappingouteachstepofacareer,Idobelieveit

helpstohavealong-termdreamorgoal.

A long-term dream does not have to be realistic or even specific. It

may reflect the desire to work in a particular field or to travel

throughout the world. Maybe the dream is to have professional

autonomy or a certain amount of free time. Maybe it’s to create

something lasting or win a coveted prize. Some goals require more

traditionalpaths;anyonewhoaspirestobecomeaSupremeCourtjustice

shouldprobablystartbyattendinglawschool.Butevenavaguegoalcan

providedirection,afar-offguideposttomovetoward.

Withaneyeonmychildhooddream,thefirstjobItookoutofcollege

wasattheWorldBankasresearchassistanttoLarrySummers,whowas

servingatermaschiefeconomist.BasedinWashington,D.C.,theBank’s

missionistoreduceglobalpoverty.Ispentmyfirstninemonthsinthe

stacksoftheBanklibraryonthecornerofNineteenthandPennsylvania,

lookingupfactsandfiguresforLarry’spapersandspeeches.Larrythen

generouslyarrangedformetojoinanIndiahealthfieldmissiontogeta

closerlookatwhattheBankactuallydid.

FlyingtoIndiatookmeintoanentirelydifferentworld.Theteamwas

workingtoeradicateleprosy,whichwasendemicinIndia’smostremote

andpoorestregions.Theconditionswereappalling.Duetothestigmaof

thedisease,patientswereoftenexiledfromtheirvillagesandendedup

lying on dirt floors in awful places that passed for clinics. Facts and

figurescouldneverhavepreparedmeforthisreality.Ihavethedeepest

respectforpeoplewhoprovidehands-onhelptothoseincrises.Itisthe

mostdifficultworkintheworld.

IreturnedtoD.C.withaplantoattendlawschool,butLantPritchett,

aneconomistinLarry’s officewhohasdevotedhislifetothe studyof

poverty, persuaded me that business school would be a better

alternative.IheadedbacktoCambridge.Itriedtostaysociallyconscious

byjoiningthehighlyunpopularNonprofitClub.Ialsospentmysecond

year studying social marketing—how marketing can be used to solve

social problems—with Professor Kash Rangan. One of the cases we

workedonconcernedtheshortageoforgandonations,whichresultsin

eighteendeathseachdayintheUnitedStatesalone.Ineverforgotthis

case,andseventeenyearslater,Facebookworkedwithorganregistries

aroundtheworldtolaunchatooltoencouragedonorregistration.

After business school, I took a job as a consultant at McKinsey &

CompanyinLosAngeles.Theworkneverentirelysuitedme,soIstayed

foronlyayearandthenmovedbacktoD.C.tojoinLarry,whowasnow

deputy secretary of the Treasury Department. At first, I served as his

specialassistant.Then,whenhewasnamedsecretary,Ibecamehischief

ofstaff.MyjobconsistedofhelpingLarrymanagetheoperationsofthe

department and its $14 billion budget. It gave me the opportunity to

participate in economic policy at both a national andan international

level. I also ran point on some smaller projects, including the

administration’s proposal to promote the development of vaccines for

infectiousdiseases.

During my four years at Treasury, I witnessed the first technology

boom from a distance. Its impact was obvious and appealing even

beyondbeingabletowearjeanstowork.Technologywastransforming

communication and changing lives not just in the United States and

developed countries, but everywhere. My long-term dream instinct

kickedin.WhenPresidentClinton’sadministrationended,Iwasoutofa

jobanddecidedtomovetoSiliconValley.Inretrospect,thisseemslikea

shrewdmove,butin2001,itwasquestionableatbest.Thetechbubble

hadburst,andtheindustrywasstillreelingfromtheaftershocks.Igave

myselffourmonthstofindajobbuthopeditwouldtakefewer.Ittook

almostayear.

MySiliconValleyjobsearchhadsomehighs,likegettingtomeetmy

business crush, eBay CEO Meg Whitman. It also had some lows, like

meetingwithahigh-levelexecutivewhostartedmyinterviewbystating

that her company would never even consider hiring someone like me

because government experience could not possibly prepare anyone to

workinthetechindustry.Itwouldhavebeensocooltohavethanked

herforbeinghonestandwalkedoutofheroffice.Butalas,Iwasnever

cool. I sat there hemming and hawing until every last molecule of

oxygen had been sucked from the room. True to her word, she never

evenconsideredhiringme.

Fortunately, not everyone shared her view. Eric Schmidt and I had

metseveraltimesduringmyTreasuryyears,andIwenttoseehimjust

after he became CEO of the then relatively unknown Google. After

severalroundsofinterviewswithGoogle’sfounders,theyofferedmea

job. My bank account was diminishing quickly, so it was time to get

backtopaidemployment,andfast.Intypical—andyes,annoying—MBA

fashion,Imadeaspreadsheetandlistedmyvariousopportunitiesinthe

rowsandmyselectioncriteriainthecolumns.Icomparedtheroles,the

levelofresponsibility,andsoon.MyheartwantedtojoinGoogleinits

mission to provide the world with access to information, but in the

spreadsheetgame,theGooglejobfaredtheworstbyfar.

IwentbacktoEricandexplainedmydilemma.Theothercompanies

wererecruitingmeforrealjobswithteamstorunandgoalstohit.At

Google, I would be the first “business unit general manager,” which

sounded great except for the glaring fact that Google had no business

units and therefore nothing to actually manage. Not only was the role

lowerinlevelthanmyotheroptions,but it was entirely unclearwhat

thejobwasinthefirstplace.

EricrespondedwithperhapsthebestpieceofcareeradvicethatIhave

everheard.Hecoveredmyspreadsheetwithhishandandtoldmenotto

beanidiot(alsoa greatpieceofadvice).Thenheexplainedthatonly

one criterion mattered when picking a job—fast growth. When

companies grow quickly, there are more things to do than there are

peopletodothem.Whencompaniesgrowmoreslowlyorstopgrowing,

thereislesstodoandtoomanypeopletonotbedoingthem.Politics

andstagnationsetin,andeveryonefalters.Hetoldme,“Ifyou’reoffered

aseatonarocketship,youdon’taskwhatseat.Youjustgeton.”Imade

upmymindthatinstant.Googlewastinyanddisorganized,butitwasa

rocketship.Andevenmoreimportanttome,itwasarocketshipwitha

missionIbelievedindeeply.

Over the years, I have repeated Eric’s advice to countless people,

encouraging them to reduce their career spreadsheets to one column:

potentialforgrowth.Ofcourse,noteveryonehastheopportunityorthe

desiretoworkinanindustrylikehightech.Butwithinanyfield,there

arejobsthathavemorepotentialforgrowththanothers.Thoseinmore

established industries can look for the rocket ships within their

companies—divisions or teams that are expanding. And in careers like

teachingormedicine,thecorollaryistoseekoutpositionswherethere

is high demand for those skills. For example, in my brother’s field of

pediatricneurosurgery,therearesomecitieswithtoomanyphysicians,

whileothershavetoofew.Mybrotherhasalwayselectedtoworkwhere

hisexpertisewouldbeindemandsohecanhavethegreatestimpact.

Just as I believe everyone should have a long-term dream, I also

believe everyone should have an eighteen-month plan. (I say eighteen

monthsbecausetwoyearsseemstoolongandoneyearseemstooshort,

but it does not have to be any exact amount of time.) Typically, my

eighteen-monthplansetsgoalsontwofronts.Firstandmostimportant,I

set targets for what my team can accomplish. Employees who

concentrateonresultsandimpactarethemostvaluable—likeLori,who

wiselyfocusedonsolvingFacebook’srecruitingproblembeforefocusing

onherself.Thisisnotjustthinkingcommunally—theexpectedandoften

smartchoiceforawoman—butsimplygoodbusiness.

Second,Itrytosetmorepersonalgoalsforlearningnewskillsinthe

next eighteen months. It’s often painful, but I ask myself, “How can I

improve?”IfIamafraidtodosomething,itisusuallybecauseIamnot

goodatitorperhapsamtooscaredeventotry.AfterworkingatGoogle

for more than four years, managing well over half of the company’s

revenues, I was embarrassed to admit that I had never negotiated a

businessdeal.Notone.SoIgatheredmycourageandcamecleantomy

boss, Omid Kordestani, then head of sales and business development.

Omidwaswillingtogivemeachancetorunasmalldealteam.Inthe

veryfirstdealIattempted,Ialmostbotchedthewholethingbymaking

an offer to our potential partner before fully understanding their

business.Fortunately,myteamincludedatalentednegotiator,Shailesh

Rao,whosteppedintoteachmetheobvious:lettingtheothersidemake

thefirstofferisoftencrucialtoachievingfavorableterms.

Everyone has room to improve. Most people have a style in the

workplace that overshoots in one direction—too aggressive or too

passive,tootalkativeortooshy.Inthatfirstdeal,Isaidtoomuch.This

was not a shock to anyone who knows me. Once I identified this

weakness, I sought help to correct it. I turned to Maureen Taylor, a

communicationscoach, who gave me an assignment. Shetold me that

foroneweekIcouldn’tgivemyopinionunlessasked.Itwasoneofthe

longestweeksofmylife.IfIhadbittenmytongueeachtimeIstartedto

expressmyopinion,Iwouldhavehadnotongueleft.

Tryingtoovercorrectisagreatwaytofindmiddleground.Inorder

formetospeaktherightamountinameeting,IhavetofeelasifIam

saying very little. People who are shy will have to feel like they are

sayingwaytoomuch.Iknowawoman who naturally talkssoftlyand

forcesherselfto“shout”inbusinessmeetingsjusttospeakatanaverage

volume. Overriding our natural tendencies is very difficult. In all the

years I’ve been trying, I can only think of a few times when someone

saidtome, “Sheryl, I wishyouhad spoken up more inthat meeting.”

OmiddiditonceandIhuggedhim.

EricturnedouttobeabsolutelyrightaboutGoogle,andIwillalways

begratefultohimandtoLarryPageandSergeyBrinfortakingachance

onme.Myeighteen-monthplanatthecompanyextendedintosixanda

half years, and I learned more than I ever could have hoped while

workingwith true visionaries.But eventually I felt that it was time to

makeamoveonthejunglegym.

In my personal life, I am not someone who embraces uncertainty. I

likethingstobeinorder.Ifiledocumentsincoloredfolders(yes,still)

andmyenthusiasmforreorganizingmyclosetcontinuallybafflesDave.

But in my professional life, I have learned to accept uncertainty and

evenembraceit.Risk—andagreatdealofluck—landedmeatGoogle.

ThatworkedoutsowellthatIdecidedtoembraceriskagain,whichled

metoFacebook.Atthetime,othercompanieswerewillingtohiremeas

CEO, but I joined Facebook as COO. At first, people questioned why I

wouldtakea“lowerlevel”jobworkingforatwenty-three-year-old.No

oneasksmethatanymore.AsIdidwhenIjoinedGoogle,Iprioritized

potentialforfastgrowthandthemissionofthecompanyabovetitle.

Ihaveseenbothmenandwomenmissoutongreatopportunitiesby

focusingtoomuchoncareerlevels.Afriendofminehadbeenworking

asalawyerforfouryearswhensherealizedthatinsteadofshootingfor

partner,she’dratherjoinacompanyinasalesormarketingrole.Oneof

herclientswaswillingtohireherinthisnewcapacitybutwantedherto

startatthegroundlevel.Sinceshecouldaffordthetemporarypaycut,I

urgedhertomakethejump,butshedecidedagainsttakingajobthat

puther“backfouryears.”Iunderstoodhowpainfulitwasforhertolose

hard-earned ground. Still, my argument was that if she was going to

workfor the next thirtyyears, what difference doesgoing “back” four

yearsreallymake?Iftheotherpathmadeherhappierandofferedhera

chancetolearnnewskills,thatmeantshewasactuallymovingforward.

Inmanycases,womenneedtobemoreopentotakingrisksintheir

careers.

 When I left Google to join Facebook, as a percentage of my

team,fewerwomentriedtofollowme.Astheyhadbeenallalong,the

men were more interested in new and, as we say in tech, higher beta

opportunities—where the risks were great but the potential rewards

even greater. Many of the women on my team eventually showed

interest in joining Facebook, but not until a few years later, when the

companywasmoreestablished.Thecostofstabilityisoftendiminished

opportunitiesforgrowth.

Of course, there are times in life when being risk averse is a good

thing;adolescentandadultmalesdrowninmuchgreaternumbersthan

adolescent and adult females.

 But in business, being risk averse can

result in stagnation. An analysis of senior corporate management

appointmentsfoundthatwomenaresignificantlymorelikelythanmen

tocontinuetoperformthesamefunctionevenwhentheytakeonnew

duties.Andwhenfemalemanagersmoveup,theyaremorelikelytodo

so internally instead of switching to a different company.

 At times,

stayinginthesamefunctionalareaandinthesameorganizationcreates

inertiaandlimitsopportunitytoexpand.Seekingoutdiverseexperiences

isusefulpreparationforleadership.

I understand the external pressures that force women to play it safe

andstayput.Genderstereotypescanmakeithardtomoveintopositions

traditionallyheldbymen.Womenarealsomorelikelytoaccommodate

a partner’s career than the other way around.

 A job change that

includesmovingtoanothercitymaybeanonstarterforawomanina

relationship.Theresultistheunfortunatetautologythatthetendencyto

stayputleadstostayingput.

Beingriskaverseintheworkplacecanalsocausewomentobemore

reluctanttotakeonchallengingtasks.Inmyexperience,moremenlook

forstretchassignmentsandtakeonhigh-visibilityprojects,whilemore

women hang back. Research suggests that this is particularly true for

womeninenvironmentsthatemphasizeindividualperformanceorwhen

womenareworkingcloselywithmen.

One reason women avoid stretch assignments and new challenges is

thattheyworrytoomuchaboutwhethertheycurrentlyhavetheskills

they need for a new role. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy,

since so many abilities are acquired on the job. An internal report at

Hewlett-Packardrevealedthatwomenonlyapplyforopen jobs if they

think they meet 100 percent of the criteria listed. Men apply if they

thinktheymeet60percentoftherequirements.

Thisdifferencehasa

hugerippleeffect.Womenneedtoshiftfromthinking“I’mnotreadyto

dothat”tothinking“Iwanttodothat—andI’lllearnbydoingit.”

MyfirstdayatworkattheWorldBank,LarrySummersaskedmeto

performsomecalculations.Iwasatalossonhowtoproceed,soIturned

to Lant Pritchett for help. “Just putit into Lotus 1-2-3,” he advised. I

told him that I didn’t know how to do that. “Wow,” he exclaimed. “I

can’t believe you’ve gotten this far, or even how you can understand

basic economics, without knowing how to use Lotus.” I went home

convincedthatIwasgoingtogetfired.Thenextday,Lantsatmedown.

Myheartwaspounding.Butinsteadoffiringme,hetaughtmehowto

usetheprogram.That’sagreatboss.

Women are also more reluctant to apply for promotions even when

deserved,oftenbelievingthatgoodjobperformancewillnaturallylead

torewards.

CarolFrohlingerandDeborahKolb,foundersofNegotiating

Women, Inc., describe this as the “Tiara Syndrome,” where women

“expectthatiftheykeepdoingtheirjobwellsomeonewillnoticethem

andplaceatiaraontheirhead.”

Inaperfectmeritocracy,tiaraswould

bedoledouttothedeserving,butIhaveyettoseeonefloatingaround

an office. Hard work and results should be recognized by others, but

when they aren’t, advocating for oneself becomes necessary. As

discussedearlier,thismustbedonewithgreatcare.Butitmustbedone.

Taking risks, choosing growth, challenging ourselves, and asking for

promotions (with smiles on our faces, of course) are all important

elementsofmanaginga career.Oneofmyfavoritequotescomesfrom

authorAliceWalker,whoobserved,“Themostcommonwaypeoplegive

uptheirpowerisbythinkingtheydon’thaveany.”

Do not wait for power to be offered. Like that tiara, it might never

materialize.Andanyway,whowearsatiaraonajunglegym?

AreYouMyMentor?

WHENIWASachild,oneofmyfavoritebookswasAreYouMyMother?,the

story of a baby bird that emerges from its shell to discover an empty

nest.Thehatchlingheadsoff in search of itsmissingmother,askinga

kitten, a hen, a dog, and a cow the burning question: “Are you my

mother?” Each animal responds, “No.” The hatchling grows more

desperate,eventuallyshouting,“Areyoumymother?”atacar,aboat,a

plane, and even a steam shovel, which can only respond with a loud

“Snort!”Stuckintheshovel’sjaws,thehatchlingappearsdoomeduntil,

miraculously, the shovel lifts the bird back to its nest. The mother

returnsandthehatchlingannounces,“Youareabird,andyouaremy

mother.”

Thischildren’sbookpoignantlymirrorstheprofessionalquestion“Are

you my mentor?” If someone has to ask the question, the answer is

probably no. When someone finds the right mentor, it is obvious. The

questionbecomesastatement.Chasingorforcingthatconnectionrarely

works, and yet I see women attempt this all the time. When I give

speeches or attend meetings, a startling number of women introduce

themselvesand,inthesamebreath,askmetobetheirmentor.Icannot

recallasinglemanaskingmetodothesame(althoughmenhaveasked

metomentortheirwivesorgirlfriends).

The question is a total mood killer—the equivalent of turning to a

pensivedateandasking,“Whatareyouthinking?”EveryseniorwomanI

have talked to about this is deluged with the same request. Their

reaction is unanimous: “Oh, I never know what to say when people I

don’tknowaskmetobetheirmentor.”Theinteractionisflattering,but

awkward.EvenmediamogulOprahWinfrey,whohastaughtsomuchto

anentiregeneration,admitsthatshefeelsuncomfortablewhensomeone

asks her to be a mentor. She once explained, “I mentor when I see

somethingandsay,‘Iwanttoseethatgrow.’”

Inpart,we’vebroughtthisonourselves.Forthepastdecade,talkof

mentorshipandsponsorshiphasbeentopicnumberoneatanywomen’s

careerseminar.Itisthefocusofblogs,newspaperarticles,andresearch

reports. Many of these young women are responding to the often

repeated advice that if they want to scale the corporate ladder, they

needtofindmentors(peoplewhowilladvisethem)aswellassponsors

(peoplewhowillusetheirinfluencetoadvocateforthem).

Theemphasisonfindingamentorbecameespeciallycleartomewhen

IwentbacktospeakatHarvardBusinessSchoolinthespringof2011.I

wasinvitedbyDeanNitinNohria,whojoinedmeonstageandconducted

theinterview.HisfirstquestionscenteredonFacebookandwhatitwas

liketoworkforMark.ItoldhimthatIlovedit,exceptondayswhen

coworkers said things like, “Sheryl, can you look at this? We need to

knowwhatoldpeoplewillthinkofthisfeature.”WediscussedtheArab

Springandaslewofothertimelytopics.DeanNohriathenaskedmea

question about women in the workforce. I’m not sure what possessed

me, but I turned to look at the audience, paused, and answered with

brutal honesty. “If current trends continue, fifteen years from today,

aboutone-thirdofthewomeninthisaudiencewillbeworkingfull-time

andalmostallofyouwill be working fortheguyyouaresittingnext

to.”

Dead silence in the large auditorium. I continued, “I’m sorry if this

soundsharshorsurprisesanyone,butthisiswhereweare.Ifyouwant

theoutcometobedifferent,youwillhavetodosomethingaboutit.”

Onthatstrainednote,DeanNohriaendedtheinterviewandturnedto

theaudienceforaQ&A.Anumberofmenleapttothemicrophoneand

posed thoughtful, big-picture questions like “What did you learn at

Google that you are applying at Facebook?” and “How do you run a

platformcompanyandensurestabilityforyourdevelopers?”Thentwo

womenrosetothemicrophone.Thefirstasked,“Doyouthinkit’sokay

toworkforacompanythatcompeteswiththecompanyyouworkedfor

beforebusinessschool?”Thesecondasked,“HowcanIgetamentor?”

Myheartsank.

Themenwerefocusingonhowtomanageabusinessandthewomen

werefocusingonhowtomanageacareer.Themenwantedanswersand

thewomenwantedpermissionandhelp.Irealizedthatsearchingfora

mentor has become the professional equivalent of waiting for Prince

Charming. We all grew up on the fairy tale “Sleeping Beauty,” which

instructsyoungwomenthatiftheyjustwaitfortheirprincetoarrive,

theywillbekissedandwhiskedawayonawhitehorsetolivehappily

everafter.Nowyoungwomenaretoldthatiftheycanjustfindtheright

mentor, they will be pushed up the ladder and whisked away to the

corner office to live happily ever after. Once again, we are teaching

womentobetoodependentonothers.

To be clear, the issue is not whether mentorship is important. It is.

Mentorshipandsponsorshiparecrucialforcareerprogression.Bothmen

andwomenwithsponsorsaremorelikelytoaskforstretchassignments

and pay raises than their peers of the same gender without sponsors.

Unfortunatelyforwomen,menoftenhaveaneasiertimeacquiringand

maintainingtheserelationships.

One recent study shows thatmen are

significantly more likely than women to be sponsored and that those

withsponsorsaremoresatisfiedwiththeirratesofadvancement.

Becauseitisharderforyoungwomentofindmentorsandsponsors,

they are taking a more active role in seeking them out. And while

normally I applaud assertive behavior, this energy is sometimes

misdirected.Nomatterhowcrucialtheseconnectionsare,theyprobably

won’tdevelopfromaskingavirtualstranger,“Willyoubemymentor?”

The strongest relationships spring out of a real and often earned

connectionfeltbybothsides.

I’vebeenluckytohavestrongmentorsandsponsorsoverthecourseof

my career. The acknowledgments in this book include a long list of

peoplewhohavebeengenerousenoughtoguideandadviseme.During

my junior year of college, I took Larry Summers’s public sector

economics class. He offered to supervise my senior thesis—something

veryfew Harvard professorsvolunteer to do for undergraduates. Larry

hasbeenamajorpartofmylifeeversince.ImetDonGraham,chairman

of the Washington Post Company, more than fifteen years ago when I

wasworkinginD.C.,andhehashelpedmenavigatesomeofmymost

challenging professional situations. If it hadn’t been for Paley Center

CEO Pat Mitchell’s encouragement and support, I might never have

spokenpubliclyaboutwomenintheworkplace.Thesethree,amongso

manyothers,haveencouragedme,madeintroductions,andtaughtme

byexample.Theirwisdomhelpedmeavoidmistakes—andcleanupthe

onesIwasn’tsmartenoughtoavoid.

Inturn,Ihavetriedtomentorothers,includingfriendsoffriends,and

asIgetolder,childrenoffriends.Igetsomuchjoyoutofwatchingthe

careerofEmilyWhite,whostartedworkingwithmerightoutofcollege

andnowrunsmobilepartnershipsforFacebook.WhenIfirstmetBryan

Schreier, he had never worked in a tech company or traveled abroad,

buthedisplayedunusuallystrongleadershipandanalyticalskills.Ihired

him to help build Google’s global operations, and he exceeded every

expectation.Yearslater,whenhewantedtopursueanewcareerasan

investor,IintroducedhimtohiscurrentpartnersatSequoiaCapital.He

isnow a highlysuccessful early stageventure capitalist, and Ican see

theimpacthehasonthecompaniesheadvises.Iamfortunatetohave

EmilyandBryanandsomanyothertalentedpeopleinmylife.

Studiesshowthatmentorsselectprotégésbasedonperformanceand

potential.

 Intuitively, people invest in those who stand out for their

talentor who can reallybenefit from help. Mentorscontinue to invest

whenmenteesusetheirtimewellandaretrulyopentofeedback.Itmay

turnintoafriendship,butthefoundationisaprofessionalrelationship.

Giventhis,Ibelievewehavesentthewrongmessagetoyoungwomen.

Weneedtostoptellingthem,“Getamentorandyouwillexcel.”Instead,

weneedtotellthem,“Excelandyouwillgetamentor.”

ClaraShihisasuperbexample.ImetClaraaboutfiveyearsagoata

conference and was immediately impressed by her ideas about social

media. She went on to write a thoughtful book on the subject and

founded Hearsay Social, a software company that helps businesses

managetheirsocialmediapresence.Everysooften,Clarawouldcontact

me,alwayswithaninterestingpointorathoughtfulquestion.Shenever

askedtogettogetherto“catchup.”Sheneveraskedaquestionthatshe

could have found the answer to on her own. When I was leaving the

Starbucksboardofdirectorsin2012,Igavethemafewnamesofsocial

mediaexpertswhomightjoininmyplaceandincludedClara.Shewas

onlytwenty-nineyearsoldatthetime,butshewasinvitedtojointhe

board.

While asking a stranger to be a mentor rarely, if ever, works,

approaching a stranger with a pointed, well-thought-out inquiry can

yield results. Garrett Neiman stopped me after I gave a speech at

StanfordtoexplainthathehadfoundedCollegeSpring,anonprofitthat

providesSATtutoringandcollegecounselingtolow-incomestudents.He

wantedtomeetwithmeandmadeit clear that he only needed a few

minutesofmytimetoaskforintroductionstosomepeoplewhocould

helpexpandhisorganization.Hehaddonehishomeworkandknewthat

I care deeply about education. In our first meeting and in every

interactionwe’vehadsince,Garretthasbeenrespectfulofmytime.He

iscrisp,focused,andgracious.Andhealwaysfollowsuptoletmeknow

theresultsofourdiscussion.

Capturing someone’s attention or imagination in a minute can be

done, but only when planned and tailored to that individual. Leading

withavaguequestionsuchas,“WhatisFacebook’sculturelike?”shows

moreignorancethaninterestinthecompany,sincetherearehundreds

ofarticlesthatprovidethisanswer.Preparationisespeciallyimportant

when looking for a job. When I left the Treasury Department, former

chiefofstaffJoshSteinergavemegreatadviceaboutaskingforadvice.

Hetoldmetofigure out whatIwantedtodobeforeIwenttoseethe

peoplewhohadtheabilitytohireme.ThatwayIwouldnotwastemy

oneshotseekinggeneralguidance,butwouldbeabletodiscussspecific

opportunitiesthattheycouldoffer.

Mentorshipisoftenamorereciprocalrelationshipthanitmayappear,

especially in situations where people are already working at the same

company. The mentee may receive more direct assistance, but the

mentor receives benefits too, including useful information, greater

commitment from colleagues, and a sense of fulfillment and pride.

Sociologists and psychologists have long observed our deep desire to

participateinreciprocalbehavior.Thefactthathumansfeelobligatedto

return favors has been documented in virtually all societies and

underpins all kinds of social relationships.

 The mentor/mentee

relationshipisnoexception.Whendoneright,everybodyflourishes.

ErinBurnett,nowawell-knownCNNjournalist,creditsWillowBay,a

veteranTVcorrespondentandeditor,formentoringherwhenshefirst

started out. Willow was a brand-new anchor of Moneyline but did not

have deep financial experience. Erin had worked at Goldman Sachs,

whichmadeheranidealpersonforWillowtohireasanassistant.Erin

impressedWillowwithherambition,workethic,andtalent.Meanwhile,

Eringottowatchasavvy,establishedjournalistupcloseandpersonal.

Eachbenefitedfromtheother’sexpertise.

Justin Osofsky caught my attention at Facebook years ago when we

were getting ready for our first senior-level meeting with the Walt

Disney Company. Each of our teams, including sales, business

development, and marketing, had submitted ideas for the partnership,

butnoonewascoordinating,whichleftourpresentationdisjointedand

unwieldy. Rather than just submitting his section, Justin took the

initiativetopullthe group together and integrate all the ideas.Ihave

been“mentoring”himeversince,whichinhiscasemeansthatIoften

turn to Justin to solve problems. This helps the company and creates

ongoingopportunitiesforhim.

Gettingtheattentionofaseniorpersonwithavirtuosoperformance

works,butit’snottheonlywaytogetamentor.Ihaveseenlower-level

employeesnimblygrabamomentafterameetingorinthehalltoask

advicefromarespectedandbusyseniorperson.Theexchangeiscasual

andquick.Aftertakingthatadvice,thewould-bementeefollowsupto

offer thanks and then uses that opportunity to ask for more guidance.

Without even realizing it, the senior person becomes involved and

investedinthejuniorperson’scareer.Theword“mentor”neverneedsto

beuttered.Therelationshipismoreimportantthanthelabel.

Thelabelitselfisopentointerpretation.Foryears,Ikeptaneyeonan

enormouslytalentedyoungwomanonmyteamatGoogleandadvised

hereachtimeshehadamajordecisiontomake.Ineverusedtheword

“mentor,” but I invested a lot of time in her development. So I was

surprised one day when she stated flatly that she had “never had a

mentor or anyone really looking out” for her. I asked what a mentor

meanttoher.Sheexplainedthatitwouldbesomeoneshespoketoforat

leastanhoureveryweek.Ismiled,thinking,That’snotamentor—that’sa

therapist.

Fewmentorshavetimeforexcessivehand-holding.Mostaredealing

withtheirownhigh-stressjobs.Amenteewhoispositiveandprepared

can be a bright spot in a day. For this same reason, mentees should

avoid complaining excessively to a mentor. Using a mentor’s time to

validate feelings may help psychologically, but it’s better to focus on

specific problems with real solutions. Most people in the position to

mentor are quite adept at problem solving. Give them a problem to

solve.Sometimeshigh-potentialwomenhaveadifficulttimeaskingfor

help because they don’t want to appear stumped. Being unsure about

howtoproceedisthemostnaturalfeelingintheworld.Ifeelthatway

allthetime.Askingforinputisnotasignofweaknessbutoftenthefirst

steptofindingapathforward.

Mentoring and sponsoring relationships often form between

individuals who have common interests or when the junior members

remindthemoreseniormembersofthemselves.

Thismeansthatmen

will often gravitate toward sponsoring younger men, with whom they

connectmorenaturally.Sincetherearesomanymoremenatthetopof

every industry, the proverbial old-boy network continues to flourish.

Andsincetherearealreadyareducednumberofwomeninleadership

roles, it is not possible for the junior women to get enough support

unlessseniormenjumpintoo.Weneedtomakemaleleadersawareof

thisshortageandencouragethemtowidentheircircle.

It’swonderfulwhenseniormenmentorwomen.It’sevenbetterwhen

theychampionandsponsorthem.Anymaleleaderwhoisseriousabout

movingtowardamoreequalworldcanmakethisapriorityandbepart

ofthesolution.Itshouldbeabadgeofhonorformentosponsorwomen.

And since we know that different perspectives improve performance,

companiesshouldfosterandrewardthisbehavior.

Ofcourse,therearesometrickyissuestobesolvedhere,includingthe

perceivedsexualcontextofmale-femalerelationships.Onceduringmy

Treasuryyears,LarrySummersandItraveledtogethertoSouthAfrica,

whereweholedupinthelivingroomofhishotelsuitetoworkonhis

speechonfiscalpolicyforthenextday.Jet-laggedandoblivioustothe

time change, we suddenly noticed it was 3:00 a.m. We both knew it

wouldlookawfulifanyonesawmeleavinghishotelsuiteatthattime.

Wediscussedtheoptions.Maybeheshouldchecktoseeifanyonewasin

thehall?Thenwerealizedwewerestuckbecausethereisnodifference

betweentryingnottobeseenleavingsomeone’shotelroomlateatnight

andactuallyleavingsomeone’shotelroomlateatnight.Istrodeintothe

(luckily)emptyhallandmadeittomyroomundetected.

Juniorwomenandseniormenoftenavoidengaginginmentoringor

sponsoringrelationshipsoutoffearofwhatothersmightthink.Astudy

published by the Center for Work-Life Policy and the Harvard Business

Reviewreportedthat64percentofmenatthelevelofvicepresidentand

above are hesitant to have a one-on-one meeting with a more junior

woman.Fortheirpart,halfofthejuniorwomenavoidedclosecontact

withseniormen.

Thisevasivenessmustend.Personalconnectionslead

to assignments and promotions, so it needs to be okay for men and

womentospendinformaltimetogetherthesamewaymencan.Asenior

manandjuniormanatabarisseenasmentoring.Aseniormananda

juniorwomanatabarcanalsobementoring…butitlookslikedating.

This interpretation holds women back and creates a double bind. If

women try to cultivate a close relationship with a male sponsor, they

riskbeingthetargetofworkplacegossip.Ifwomentrytogettothetop

withoutasponsor’shelp,theircareerswilloftenstall.Wecannotassume

that interactions between men and women have a sexual component.

And everyone involved has to make sure to behave professionally so

women—andmen—feelsafeinallsettings.

AtGoldmanSachsinthelate1990s,managementcommitteepartner

Bob Steel recognized this perception problem and came up with an

admirablesolution.The fatherofthreedaughters,Steeltoldatraining

class that he had a “breakfast or lunch only policy” with employees

because he felt uncomfortable going out to dinner with female

employees and wanted to make access equal. Sharon Meers worked at

GoldmanatthetimeandsaidSteel’sdecisioncausedabitofastir,but

she thought his candor was heroic. Anything that evens out the

opportunities for men and women is the right practice. Some will get

therebyadoptingano-dinnerpolicy;othersmayadopta dinner-with-

anyone policy. In either case, we need practices that can be applied

evenly.

Many companies are starting to move from informal mentoring that

relies on individual initiative to more formal programs. When taken

seriously, these formal mentorship/sponsorship programs can be

remarkably successful. Structured programs also take the pressure off

junior women from having to ask the difficult “Are you my mentor?”

question. One study showed that women who found mentors through

formal programs were 50 percent more likely to be promoted than

women who found mentors on their own.

 The most effective formal

programs help educate men about the need to mentor women and

establishguidelinesforappropriatebehavior.Theseprogramscanbea

greatwaytohelpnormalizetheseniorman/juniorwomanmodel.

Official mentorship programs are not sufficient by themselves and

workbestwhencombinedwithotherkindsofdevelopmentandtraining.

Deloitte’sLeadingtoWINWomen’sInitiativeisagoodexample.Deloitte

had already established a program to support female employees, who

still remained underrepresented at the highest levels of the company.

ThispromptedChetWood,CEOofDeloitteTax,toask,“Whereareall

the women?” In response, Deloitte launched a leadership development

program in 2008. The program targeted senior women in the tax

division who were close to promotion. The women were assigned

sponsors, received executive coaching, shadowed members of the

executivecommittee,andtookonglobalassignments.Ofthetwenty-one

membersoftheinauguralgroup,eighteenhavesincebeenpromoted.

As helpful as these formal programs can be, they are not always

offered,andinsomesituations,seniorpeoplearenotavailabletogive

guidance. The good news is that guidance can come from all levels.

WhenIfirstjoinedFacebook,oneofmybiggestchallengeswassetting

up the necessary business processes without harming the freewheeling

culture. The company operated by moving quickly and tolerating

mistakes,andlotsofpeoplewerenervousthatIwouldnotjustruinthe

party,butsquashinnovation.NaomiGleithadjoinedFacebookrightout

ofcollegeseveralyearsearlier.AsoneofFacebook’searliestemployees,

shehadadeepunderstandingofhowthecompanyworked.NaomiandI

became close. I bet most people, including Naomi herself, probably

assumedthatIwasmentoringher.Butthetruthisshementoredme.She

helpedmeimplementthechangesthatneededtobemadeandjumped

in to stop me from getting things wrong. Naomi always told me the

truth,evenifshethoughtitwouldbehardformetohear.Shestilldoes

thisformetoday.

Peerscanalsomentorandsponsoroneanother.Thereisasayingthat

“all advice is autobiographical.” Friends at the same stage of their

careersmayactuallyprovidemorecurrentandusefulcounsel.Severalof

myoldermentorsadvisedmeagainsttakingajobatGooglein2001.Yet

almostallmypeersunderstoodthepotentialofSiliconValley.Peersare

alsointhetrenchesandmayunderstandproblemsthatsuperiorsdonot,

especially when those problems are generated by superiors in the first

place.

AsanassociateatMcKinsey&Company,myfirstassignmentwasona

team that consisted of a male senior engagement manager (SEM) and

two other male associates, Abe Wu and Derek Holley. When the SEM

wantedtotalktoAbeorDerek,hewouldwalkovertotheirdesks.When

hewantedtotalktome,hewouldsitathisdeskandshout,“Sandberg,

get over here!” with the tone one might use to call a child or, even

worse,adog.Itmademecringeeverytime.Ineversaidanything,but

one day Abe and Derek started calling each other “Sandberg” in that

same loud voice. The self-absorbed SEM never seemed to notice. They

keptitup.WhenhavingtoomanySandbergsgotconfusing,theydecided

weneededtodifferentiate.Abestartedcallinghimself“AsianSandberg,”

Derekdubbedhimself“good-lookingSandberg,”andIbecame“Sandberg

Sandberg.”MycolleaguesturnedanawfulsituationintoonewhereIfelt

protected.Theystoodupformeandmademelaugh.Theywerethebest

mentorsIcouldhavehad.

Since when it rains, it pours, on that same project, the senior client

leaderwantedtofixmeupwithhisson.Hedeclaredthisintentionin

frontofhisteamoverandover.Iknewhemeantitasacompliment,but

itunderminedmyprofessionalauthority.HowcouldIgetmyclientsto

takemeseriouslyiftheirbosswasconstantlyremindingeveryonethatI

washisson’sage—oh,andthatIshoulddatehim?Oneday,Igathered

mycourageandaskedtospeaktohiminprivate.Itoldhim(nicely)that

Ididnotthinkitwasappropriateforhimtokeepbringinguphisson.

Helaugheditoffandkeptdoingit.

Havingtriedtodealwiththesituationmyself,Iwenttomymanager

—thesame“Sandberg”-shoutingSEM.Helistenedtomycomplaintand

thentoldmethatIshouldthinkaboutwhatIwas“doingtosendthese

signals.”Yup,itwasmyfault.ItoldthetwootherSandbergs,whowere

outraged.TheyencouragedmetogoovertheSEM’sheadandtalktothe

senior partner, Robert Taylor. Robert understood my discomfort

immediately.Heexplainedthatsometimesthoseofuswhoaredifferent

(heisAfricanAmerican)needtoremindpeopletotreatusappropriately.

HesaidhewasgladItoldtheclientnoonmyownandthattheclient

shouldhavelistened.Hethentalkedtotheclientandexplainedthathis

behaviorhadtostop.HealsospokewithmySEMabouthisinsensitive

response.IcouldnothavebeenmoregratefulforRobert’sprotection.I

knewexactlyhowthatbabybirdfeltwhenhefinallyfoundhismother.

SeekandSpeakYourTruth

MY FRIEND Betsy Cohen was pregnant with her second child when her

toddler, Sam, became curious about where the baby was in her body.

“Mommy,”heasked,“arethebaby’sarmsinyourarms?”“No,thebaby

isinmytummy,”shereplied.“Arethebaby’slegsinyourlegs?”“No,

the whole baby is in my tummy.” “Really, the whole baby is in your

tummy?Areyousure?”“Yes,thewholebabyisinmytummy.”“Then,

Mommy,what’sgrowinginyourbutt?”

Thiskindofhonestyiscommonfromchildrenandvirtuallyunheard

offromadults.Askidsgrowup,weteachthemtobepolite,watchwhat

theysay,nothurtothers’feelings.Thisisnotabadthing.Asaformer

pregnant“whale,”I’mgladthatmostpeoplekeepsomeobservationsto

themselves.Butaswelearntospeakappropriately,welosesomethingin

authenticity.

Authentic communication is not always easy, but it is the basis for

successful relationships at home and real effectiveness at work. Yet

people constantly back away from honesty to protect themselves and

others. This reticence causes and perpetuates all kinds of problems:

uncomfortable issues that never get addressed, resentment that builds,

unfit managers who get promoted rather than fired, and on and on.

Oftenthesesituationsdon’timprovebecausenoonetellsanyonewhatis

reallyhappening.Wearesorarelybraveenoughtotellthetruth.

Beinghonestintheworkplaceisespeciallydifficult.Allorganizations

havesomeformofhierarchy,whichmeansthatsomeone’sperformance

is assessed by someone else’s perception. This makes people even less

likelytotellthetruth.Everyorganizationfacesthischallenge,nomatter

howflatittriestobe.AtFacebook,weworkhardtobenonhierarchical.

Everyone sits at open desks in big open spaces—no offices, cubes, or

partitions for any of us. We hold a company-wide Q&A every Friday

where anyone can ask a question or make a comment. When people

disagreewithdecisions,theyposttothecompany-wideFacebookgroup.

Still,Iwouldbeanidiot,ornottellingmyselfthetruth,ifIthoughtthat

mycoworkersalwaysfeltfreetocriticizeme,Mark,oreventheirpeers.

When psychologists study power dynamics, they find that people in

low-power positions are more hesitant to share their views and often

hedgetheirstatementswhentheydo.

Thishelpsexplainwhyformany

women, speaking honestly in a professional environment carries an

additionalsetoffears:Fearofnotbeingconsideredateamplayer.Fear

of seeming negative or nagging. Fear that constructive criticism will

comeacrossasjustplainoldcriticism.Fearthatbyspeakingup,wewill

call attention to ourselves, which might open us up to attack (a fear

broughttousbythatsamevoiceinthebackofourheadsthaturgesus

nottositatthetable).

Communication works best when we combine appropriateness with

authenticity, finding that sweet spot where opinions are not brutally

honest but delicately honest. Speaking truthfully without hurting

feelings comes naturally to some and is an acquired skill for others. I

definitelyneededhelpinthisarea.Fortunately,Ifoundit.

When Dave was at Yahoo, he attended a management training

programtaughtbyFredKofman,aformerMITprofessorandauthorof

Conscious Business. Dave hates training of any kind, and the human

resourcesteamatYahoohadtoforcehimtoattendthetwo-daysession.

Whenhecamehomeafterthefirstday,hesurprisedmebydescribing

thetrainingas“nottoobad.”Bytheendofthesecondday,hestarted

quotingFredandmakingobservationsaboutourcommunication.Iwas

inshock;thisguymustbegood.SoIcalledFred,introducedmyself,and

said,“Idon’tknowwhatyoudo,butIwantyoutodoitformyteamat

Google.”

FredshowedupatGoogle,andhisteachingschangedmycareerand

mylife.Heisoneofthemostextraordinarythinkersonleadershipand

managementIhaveeverencountered.Manyoftheconceptsdiscussedin

this chapter originated with him and reflect his belief that great

leadershipis“conscious”leadership.

I learned from Fred that effective communication starts with the

understanding that there is my point of view (my truth) and someone

else’s point of view (his truth). Rarely is there one absolute truth, so

peoplewhobelievethattheyspeakthetruthareverysilencingofothers.

When we recognize that we can see things only from our own

perspective,wecanshareourviewsinanonthreateningway.Statements

of opinion are always more constructive in the first person “I” form.

Compare these two statements: “You never take my suggestions

seriously”and“Ifeelfrustratedthatyouhavenotrespondedtomylast

foure-mails,whichleadsmetobelievethatmysuggestionsarenotthat

importanttoyou.Isthatso?”Theformercanelicitaquickanddefensive

“That’s not true!” The latter is much harder to deny. One triggers a

disagreement; the other sparks a discussion. I wish I could always

maintain this perspective in all my communications. I don’t—but I

continuetotry.

Truth is also better served by using simple language. Office-speak

oftencontainsnuancesandparentheticalsthatcanburynotjustthelead

buttheentirepoint. Comedies like OfficeSpace ring true for a reason.

Peoplefearinsulting others, especially the boss,so they hedge. Rather

thanstating,“Idisagreewithourexpansionstrategy,”theysay,“WhileI

thinktherearemanygoodreasonswhyweareopeningthisnewlineof

business and I feel confident that the management team has done a

thorough ROI analysis, I am not sure we have completely thought

throughallofthedownstreameffectsoftakingthisstepforwardatthis

time.” Huh? With all of these caveats, it’s hard to decipher what the

speakeractuallythinks.

Whencommunicatinghardtruths,lessisoftenmore.Afewyearsago,

Mark Zuckerberg decided to learn Chinese. To practice, he spent time

with a group of Facebook employees who were native speakers. One

might think that Mark’s limited language skills would have kept these

conversations from being substantively useful. Instead, they gave him

greater insight into what was going on in the company. For example,

oneofthewomenwastryingtotellMarksomethingabouthermanager.

Mark didn’t understand so he said, “Simpler, please.” Then she spoke

again, but he still didn’t understand, so he had to ask her to simplify

further.Thishappenedafewmoretimes.Eventually,shegotfrustrated

and just blurted out, “My manager is bad!” She was still speaking

Chinese,butsimplyenoughthatMarkunderstood.Ifmorepeoplewere

this clear, the performance of many organizations would improve

dramatically.

Theabilitytolistenisasimportantastheabilitytospeak.Fromthe

timemysiblingsandIwereveryyoung,wheneverwehadarguments,

our mother taught us—or more like forced us—to mirror each other,

whichmeansrestatingtheotherperson’spointbeforerespondingtoit.

For example, one day my sister and I were fighting over a lollipop.

“Sherylatethelastlollipop!”Michellescreamed.“Butshehadalollipop

yesterdayandIdidn’t!”Iscreamedback,makinganexcellentpoint.My

mothersatusdownfacingeachother.Iwasnotallowedtoexplainhow

gravelyinequitablethelollipopallocationwasuntilIacknowledgedmy

sister’sfeelings.“Michelle,IunderstandthatyouareupsetbecauseIate

thelastlollipopandyouwantedit.”Aspainfulasthiswasatthetime,

reflectingsomeone’sviewpointclarifiesthedisagreementandbecomesa

starting point for resolution. We all want to be heard, and when we

focusonshowingothersthatwearelistening,weactuallybecomebetter

listeners. I now do this with my children. And while they probably

disliketheprocessasmuchasIdidwhenIwastheirage,Ilovehearing

mysonexplaintomydaughter,“I’msorryyou’reupsetbecauseyoulost

at Monopoly, but I’m older than you so I should win.” Not bad for a

seven-year-old. (Although Fred would caution my son to take out the

“but” and everything after, since it tends to deny the preceding

statement.Imaginesomeonesaying,“Ireallylikeyou,but…”)

Beingawareofaproblemisthefirststeptocorrectingit.Itisnearly

impossibletoknowhowouractionsareperceivedbyothers.Wecantry

toguesswhatthey’rethinking,butaskingdirectlyisfarmoreeffective.

With real knowledge, we can adjust our actions and avoid getting

trippedup.Still,peoplerarelyseekenoughinput.Afewyearsago,Tom

BrokawinterviewedmeforapieceonFacebook.Tomisamagnificent

interviewer, and I felt that I stumbled through some of my answers.

Afterwewrapped,IaskedhimhowIcouldhavedonebetter.Heseemed

surprisedbymyquestion,soIaskedhimagain.Hethentoldmethatin

hisentirecareer,Iwasonlythesecondpersontoaskhimforfeedback.

Thestrategyofsolicitinginputbroadlywasfirstdemonstratedforme

byRobertRubin,secretaryoftheTreasurywhenIjoinedthedepartment

in 1996. During my first week there, I was invited to a meeting on

restructuringtheIRS.Abouttenseniorstaffersweresittingatthetable

whenweentered.SinceIknewnothingaboutthetopic,Itookaseatin

thebackcorneroftheroom(yup,notevenclosetothetable).Toward

the end of the meeting, Secretary Rubin suddenly turned and asked,

“Sheryl, what do you think?” I was stunned silent—my mouth opened

butnothingcameout.WhenhesawhowshockedIwas,SecretaryRubin

explainedwhyhehadputmeonthespot:“Becauseyou’renewandnot

fully up to speed on how we do things, I thought you might see

somethingweweremissing.”Apparentlynotinmycase.ButSecretary

Rubinsentapowerfulmessagetoallofusaboutthevalueofsoliciting

ideasfromeverycorner(literally).

Secretary Rubin was also aware of the dangers of blindly following

leaders,orinhiscase,beingblindlyfollowed.BeforebecomingTreasury

secretary,Rubinservedasco-chairmanoftheboardofGoldmanSachs.

At the end of his first week as co-chairman, he noticed that Goldman

washeavilyinvestedingold.Heaskedsomeonewhythefirmhadtaken

such a big position. The startled employee answered, “That was you,

sir.”“Me?”Rubinreplied.Apparently,thedaybeforehehadbeentaking

his initial tour of the trading floor and commented, “Gold looks

interesting.”Thisgotrepeatedas“Rubinlikesgold,”andsomeonespent

millionsofdollarstopleasethenewboss.

More than a decade later, I experienced my own “Rubin likes gold”

moment.WhenIjoinedFacebook,Ifacedadilemma:Ineededtobolster

the business side of the company while respecting its unconventional

culture. Most corporations love PowerPoint presentations, so I

encouraged people not to prepare them for meetings with me, but

insteadtocomewithasimplelistoftopics.Irepeatedthisfrequently,

buteverymeetingseemedtoincludeadetailedPowerPointpresentation

anyway. After more than two years of frustration, I announced that

althoughIhatedmakingrules,Iwasmakingone:nomorePowerPoint

inmymeetings.

Afewweekslater,asIwasgettingreadytospeaktoourglobalsales

team, Kirsten Nevill-Manning, a skilled human resources leader at

Facebook,cametofindme.KirstenthoughtIshouldknowthateveryone

inEuropewasupsetwithme.Really?Iangeredanentirecontinent? She

explained that client meetings were very difficult without PowerPoint

andaskedwhyIwouldmakesuchastupidrule.IexplainedthatIhad

intendedthe rule to apply onlyto presentations tome. But justas the

Goldman team heard “Gold = good,” the Facebook team heard

“PowerPoint=bad.”Igotonstageinfrontofourentiresalesteamand

apologizedforthemisunderstanding.Ialsolet themknowthatifthey

hearabadidea,evenonetheybelieveiscomingfrommeorMark,they

shouldeitherfightitorignoreit.

Ashardasitistohaveanhonestdialogueaboutbusinessdecisions,it

isevenhardertogiveindividualshonestfeedback.Thisistrueforentry-

levelemployees,seniorleaders,andeveryoneinbetween.Onethingthat

helpsistorememberthatfeedback,liketruth,isnotabsolute.Feedback

isanopinion,groundedin observationsandexperiences,whichallows

us to know what impression we make on others. The information is

revealingandpotentiallyuncomfortable,which is whyall of us would

ratherofferfeedbacktothosewhowelcomeit.IfImakeanobservation

or recommendation and someone reacts badly—or even just visibly

tenses up—I quickly learn to save my comments for thingsthat really

matter.ThisiswhyIsoadmireMollyGraham’sapproach.Mollyjoined

Facebookin2008andheldanumberofjobsthroughoutthecompanyin

communications,humanresources,andmobileproducts.Sheperformed

extraordinarilywellinalloftheseverydifferentroles,notjustbecause

sheisuniquelytalentedbutbecausesheisalwayslearning.Oneday,she

and I hosted a tricky client meeting. She navigated the discussion

effectively,andaftertheclientsleft,Ipraisedhereffort.Shepausedand

said, “Thanks, but you must have ideas for me on what more I could

havedone.”

“HowcanIdobetter?”“WhatamIdoingthatIdon’tknow?”“What

am I not doing that I don’t see?” These questions can lead to many

benefits. And believe me, the truth hurts. Even when I have solicited

feedback, any judgment can feel harsh. But the upside of painful

knowledgeissomuchgreaterthanthedownsideofblissfulignorance.

Requesting advice can also help build relationships. At Facebook, I

knewthatthemostimportantdeterminantofmysuccesswouldbemy

relationshipwithMark.WhenIjoined,IaskedMarkforacommitment

that he would give me feedback every week so that anything that

botheredhimwouldbeairedanddiscussedquickly.Marknotonlysaid

yesbut immediately addedthat he wantedit to bereciprocal. For the

first few years, we stuck to this routine and voiced concerns big and

small every Friday afternoon. As the years went by, sharing honest

reactionsbecamepartofourongoingrelationship.Nowwedosoinreal

timeratherthanwaitingfortheendoftheweek.Iwouldn’tsuggestthat

all relationships need this much feedback—there is such a thing as

askingfortoomuch—butforus,ithasbeencriticallyimportant.

Ihavealsolearnedthehardwaythatbeingopentohearingthetruth

means taking responsibility for mistakes. In my first week as chief of

staffatTreasury,Ihadthechancetoworkdirectlywiththeheadsofthe

departmentbureaus.Thereisarightandawrongwaytostartaworking

relationship.Ichosethewrongway.MyfirstcallwastoRayKelly,who

wasthencommissionerofthe U.S.CustomsServiceandnowservesas

New York City’s police commissioner. Instead of reaching out to offer

assistance, I called Commissioner Kelly with a request from the

secretary.Theimpression Imadewasthatmy jobwastodemandand

his job was to listen. It was a mistake. Ray’s response was quick and

clear.“[Expletive],Sheryl,”heexplained.“JustbecauseI’mnotinLarry

Summers’s [expletive] thirty-year-old brain trust doesn’t mean that I

don’tknowwhatI’mdoing!IfSecretarySummerswantssomethingfrom

me,tellhimto[expletive]callmehimself!”Thenhehungupthephone.

Ithought,Thisisnotgoingwell.MyfirstweekonthejobandI’dangered

amanwhoknowsathingortwoaboutfirearms.

AfterIstoppedshaking,IrealizedthatCommissionerKellyhaddone

meahugefavor.His“feedback”wasextremelyhelpfulanddeliveredin

awaythatIwouldneverforget.Ireassessedmyoutreachstrategy.With

theotherbureauchiefs,IinitiatedconversationbyaskingwhatIcould

do to help them achieve their goals. It’s no surprise that they reacted

morepositivelyandwithfarfewerexpletives.AndafterIemployedmy

“WhathaveIdoneforyoulately?”approach,theywerefarmoreeager

toreturnthefavor.

AsoftenasItrytopersuadepeopletosharetheirhonestviews,itis

still a challenge to elicit them. When I started building my team at

Google, I interviewed every candidate before we made an offer. Even

when the team had grown to about one hundred people, I still spoke

witheachfinalist.Onedayatameetingofmydirectreports,Iofferedto

stopinterviewing,fullyexpectingeveryonetoinsistthatmyinputwas

an essential part of the process. Instead, they applauded. They all

jumped in to explain—in unison—that my insistence on speaking

personallytoeverycandidatehadbecomeahugebottleneck.Ihadno

ideathatIhadbeenholdingtheteambackandwasupsetthatnoone

hadtoldme.Ispentafewhoursquietlyfuming,which,giventhatIhave

nopokerface,wasprobablyobvioustoeveryone.ThenIrealizedthatif

my colleagues had kept this to themselves, I was clearly not

communicating that I was open to their input. Miscommunication is

alwaysatwo-waystreet.IfIwantedmoresuggestions,Iwouldhaveto

takeresponsibilityformakingthatclear.SoIwentbacktomyteamand

agreedthatIwouldnotinterviewanymore.Andmoreimportant,Itold

themthatIwantedtheirinputearlyandoften.

Another way I try to foster authentic communication is to speak

openly about my own weaknesses. To highlight just one, I have a

tendencytogetimpatientaboutunresolvedsituations.Myreactionisto

push for people to resolve them quickly, in some cases before they

realistically can. David Fischer and I have worked closely together for

fifteenyearsatTreasury,Google,andFacebook.Hejokesthathecantell

frommytoneofvoicewhetherheshouldbothertocompleteataskorif

I’mabouttojustdoitmyself.Iacknowledgemyimpatienceopenlyand

ask my colleagues to let me know when I need to chill out. By

mentioning this myself, I give others permission to bring up my

impatience—and joke about it too. My colleagues will say to me,

“Sheryl, you asked us to tell you when you get nervous and push the

teams too hard. I think you’re doing that now.” But if I never said

anything, would anyone at Facebook walk up to me and announce,

“Hey, Sheryl, calm down! You’re driving everyone nuts!” Somehow I

doubtit.Theywouldthinkit.Theymightevensayittooneanother.But

theywouldn’tsayittome.

Whenpeopleareopenandhonest,thankingthempubliclyencourages

themtocontinuewhilesendingapowerfulsignaltoothers.Atameeting

withaboutsixtyFacebookengineers,ImentionedthatIwasinterested

in opening more Facebook offices around the world, especially in one

particular region. Since the group included members of the security

team,Iaskedwhattheyweremostworriedabout.Withoutbeingcalled

on,ChadGreeneblurtedout,“OpeningaFacebookofficeinthatregion.”

Heexplainedwhyitwouldn’tworkandwhyIwasdeadwronginfront

oftheentiregroup.Ilovedit.Wehadnevermetbefore,andIwillnever

forgetthat strong introduction. I ended the meetingby thanking Chad

forhiscandorandthenpostedthestoryonFacebooktoencouragethe

restofthecompanytofollowhisexample.Markfeelsthesameway.At

asummerbarbecuefouryearsago,aninterntoldMarkthatheshould

work on his public speaking skills. Mark thanked him in front of

everyoneandthenencouragedustoextendhimafull-timejoboffer.

Humorcanbeanamazingtoolfordeliveringanhonestmessageina

good-naturedway.Arecentstudyevenfoundthat“senseofhumor”was

thephrasemostfrequentlyusedtodescribethemosteffectiveleaders.

I

haveseenhumorgetresultssomanytimes.AfterworkingintheObama

WhiteHouse,MarneLevinejoinedFacebooktorunglobalpublicpolicy.

Marneispolished,professional,andhighlycompetent.Duringherfirst

week at her job, she needed a colleague from another team to finish

draftingafewparagraphsforanupcomingcongressionaltestimony.The

colleague was dragging his heels. He kept coming to Marne to ask

questions,whichshewoulddulyanswer,thenshewouldwait,butstill

noparagraphs.Whenhecametoheragainwithyetanotherquestion,

sheturnedtohimwithahugesmileandsaid,“Iamgoingtoanswerall

ofyourquestions.Ireallyam.Butrightnow,theonlythingthatisgoing

to keep me from falling down on the floor and having a heart attack

rightinfrontofyouisforyoutogetoutofyourchair,gobacktoyour

desk, and write the paragraphs we need for Congress.” It worked

beautifully.

AcolleagueatGoogle,AdamFreed,andIwerefrustratedbysomeone

atworkwhowasmakingourjobsverydifficult.Imetwithherseveral

times and earnestly explained that I felt that she was second-guessing

our every move and preventing progress. During each heartfelt

discussion, she would listen and nod and thank me for raising the

matter.Iwouldleavefeelingbetter.Thenthesituationwouldgetworse.

Adam took a totally differentapproach. He invited her to lunch. They

met at the Google café, chatted a bit, and then he looked at her and

jokinglyasked,“Whydoyouhateme?”WhereIhadfailedrepeatedly,

Adam broke through. She asked why he would make that joke, which

gavehimachancetoexplaininawayshewasabletohear.

Unfortunately,oursenseofhumorsometimesfailsuswhenweneedit

most. When I get emotional, it’s very hard for me to treat a problem

lightly.IhadbeenatGoogleaboutthreemonthswhenanuncomfortable

situationerupted.IhadstartedatthecompanyreportingtoEricSchmidt

butwastransitioningtoworkforOmidKordestani.Duringthatprocess,

OmidandIhadamajormisunderstanding.Iwenttodiscussitwithhim,

intending to explain calmly why I was upset, but as soon as I started

talking,Iburstintotears.Iwashorrifiedtobecryinginfrontofmynew

bosswhomIbarelyknew—whichjustmademoretearsflow.ButIgot

lucky.Omidwaspatientandreassuring,insisting,“Everyonegetsupset

atwork.It’sokay.”

Most women believe—and research suggests—that it is not a good

ideatocryatwork.

ItisneversomethingthatIplantodoandishardly

recommendedinTheSevenHabitsofHighlyEffectivePeople,butonthose

rare occasions when I have felt really frustrated, or worse, betrayed,

tears have filled my eyes. Even as I have gotten older and more

experienced,itstillhappenseverysooften.

IhadbeenworkingatFacebookforalmostayearwhenIlearnedthat

someonehadsaidsomethingaboutmethatwasnotjustfalse,butcruel.

IstartedtellingMarkaboutitand,despitemybestefforts,startedtocry.

He assured me that the accusation was so untrue that no one could

possiblybelieveit. Andthenheasked,“Do youwantahug?”I did.It

wasabreakthroughmomentforus.Ifeltclosertohimthaneverbefore.

Ithenrecountedthisstorypublicly,figuringthatitmightmakeiteasier

for others who have faced unwanted tears. The press reported the

incident as “Sheryl Sandberg cried on Mark Zuckerberg’s shoulder,”

which is not exactly what happened. What happened was that I

expressedmyfeelingsandMarkrespondedwithcompassion.

Sharingemotionsbuildsdeeperrelationships.Motivationcomesfrom

working on things we care about. It also comes from working with

people we care about. To really care about others, we have to

understandthem—whattheylikeanddislike,whattheyfeelaswellas

think. Emotion drives both men and women and influences every

decisionwemake.Recognizingtheroleemotionsplayandbeingwilling

todiscussthemmakesusbettermanagers,partners,andpeers.

I did not always understand this. I used to think that being

professional meant being organized and focused and keeping my

personallifeseparate.EarlyonatGoogle,OmidandIwouldhaveaone-

on-onemeetingeachweek.Iwouldenterhisofficewithatypedagenda

andgetrighttoit.IthoughtIwasbeingsoefficient,butmycolleague

TimArmstrong(wholaterbecameCEOofAOL)kindlypulledmeaside

onedaytogivemesomeadvice.HetoldmethatIshouldtakeamoment

toconnectwithOmidbeforedivingin.SinceOmidandIweretheonly

peopleinthosemeetings,itwasclearwhohadmentionedthistoTim.I

made the adjustment and started asking Omid how he was before

leapingintomyto-dolist.Itwasagoodlesson.Anall-businessapproach

isnotalwaysgoodbusiness.

Ithasbeenanevolution,butIamnowatruebelieverinbringingour

wholeselvestowork.Inolongerthinkpeoplehaveaprofessionalself

forMondaysthroughFridaysandarealselffortherestofthetime.That

type of separation probably never existed, and in today’s era of

individual expression, where people constantly update their Facebook

statusandtweettheireverymove,itmakesevenlesssense.Insteadof

puttingonsomekindoffake“all-workpersona,”Ithinkwebenefitfrom

expressing our truth, talking about personal situations, and

acknowledgingthatprofessionaldecisionsareoftenemotionallydriven.

Ishouldhavelearnedthis lessonyearsearlier.WhenIwasgraduating

from business school in 1995, Larry Summers offered me a job at

Treasury.Iwantedthejobdesperately,buttherewasanissue:Ididnot

wanttomovebacktoD.C.,wheremysoon-to-beex-husbandlived.One

ofthehardestcallsI’veeverhadtomakewastotellLarrythatIcould

notacceptthejob.Larrypressedmeonwhy,andIthoughtabouttelling

him that I really wanted to try consulting in Los Angeles. Instead, I

openedup.IexplainedthatIwasgettingdivorcedandwantedtomove

far away from D.C., which held too many painful memories. Larry

arguedthatitwasa big city, but itdidn’tseembigenough for me. A

yearlater, when enough time had passed and I felt ready to return to

D.C., I called Larry and asked if the opportunity was still available. It

wasoneoftheeasiestcallsIhaveevermade,inpartbecauseIhadbeen

honesttheyearbefore.IfIhadtoldLarrythatIwaspassingonthejob

for professional reasons, I would have appeared impulsive when I

reversed that decision. Since the real reason was personal, sharing it

honestlywasthebestthingtodo.

People often pretend that professional decisions are not affected by

theirpersonallives.Theyareafraidtotalkabouttheirhomesituations

atworkasifoneshouldneverinterferewiththeother,whenofcourse

theycananddo.Iknowmanywomenwhowon’tdiscusstheirchildren

atworkoutoffearthattheirprioritieswillbequestioned.Ihopethis

won’talwaysbethecase.

My sister-in-law, Amy Schefler, had a college roommate, Abby

Hemani,whoisapartnerinoneofBoston’smostprestigiouslawfirms.

Thelinebetweenpersonalandprofessionalwaserasedfor Abby when

herseven-month-old daughter was diagnosedwith Dravet syndrome, a

rareandsevereformofepilepsy.Abbyexplainedthathermostlymale

partnersgotusedtoseeinghercryattheofficeandtheirresponsewas

heartwarming. “It was as if they envisioned me as one of their own

daughters and wanted to comfort me,” she said. Abby insists that her

public emotion improved her work situation both by turning her

colleagues into a source of support and by leading to more flexible

hours.“Iknowseveralmenatmyfirmwhohavehadsimilarexperiences

withsickchildren,buttheydidn’tfeeltheycouldbeasforthcomingasI

was,” she said. “So, in the end, I think my female manner of relating

servedmewell.”

Not every workplace and every colleague will be as generous and

caring.ButIdothinkwearemovingtowardatleastblurringtheline

between personal and professional. Increasingly, prominent thinkers in

thefieldofleadershipstudieslikeMarcusBuckinghamarechallenging

traditionalnotionsofleadership.Theirresearchsuggeststhatpresenting

leadership as a list of carefully defined qualities (like strategic,

analytical, and performance-oriented) no longer holds. Instead, true

leadership stems from individuality that is honestly and sometimes

imperfectly expressed.

 They believe leaders should strive for

authenticity over perfection. This shift is good news for women, who

often feel obliged to suppress their emotions in the workplace in an

attempttocomeacrossasmorestereotypicallymale.Andit’salsogood

newsformen,whomaybedoingtheexactsamething.

Ihadtheopportunitytoseethepowerofauthenticcommunicationin

a leader firsthand when I served on the board of Starbucks. Howard

SchultzwasCEOofStarbucksfrom1987through2000,andduringhis

tenure, the company grew from just a few stores into a global retail

powerhouse.HowardsteppeddownasCEOin2000,andoverthenext

eightyearsStarbucks’performancefaltered.WhenHowardreturnedas

CEO in 2008, he held a meeting with all of the company’s global

managersinNewOrleans.Heopenlyadmittedthatthecompanywasin

serioustrouble.Thenheallowedhisemotionstoshow,tearingupashe

confessed that he felt that he had let down his employees and their

families. The entire company rose to the challenge. Starbucks turned

aroundanddelivereditshighestrevenueandearningsafewyearslater.

Maybe someday shedding tears in the workplace will no longer be

viewed as embarrassing or weak, but as a simple display of authentic

emotion. And maybe the compassion and sensitivity that have

historicallyheldsomewomenbackwillmakethemmorenaturalleaders

in the future. In the meantime, we can all hasten this change by

committingourselvestobothseek—andspeak—ourtruth.

Don’tLeaveBeforeYouLeave

AFEWYEARSAGO,ayoungwomanatFacebookcametomydeskandaskedif

she could speak to me privately. We headed into a conference room,

where she began firing off questions about how I balance work and

family.Asthequestionscamefasterandfaster,Istartedtowonderabout

herurgency.Iinterruptedtoaskifshehadachild.Shesaidno,butshe

likedtoplanahead.Iinquiredifsheandherpartnerwereconsidering

havingachild.Sherepliedthatshedidnothaveahusband,thenadded

withalittlelaugh,“Actually,Idon’tevenhaveaboyfriend.”

It seemed to me that she was jumping the gun—big time—but I

understoodwhy.Fromanearlyage,girlsgetthemessagethattheywill

havetochoosebetweensucceedingatworkandbeingagoodmother.

Bythetimetheyareincollege,womenarealreadythinkingaboutthe

trade-offs they will make between professional and personal goals.

When asked to choose between marriage and career, female college

studentsaretwiceaslikelytochoosemarriageastheirmaleclassmates.

Andthisconcerncanstartevenyounger.PeggyOrenstein,theauthorof

CinderellaAteMyDaughter,relatedthestoryofafive-year-oldgirlwho

came home distraught from her after-school program and told her

mother that both she and the boy she had a crush on wanted to be

astronauts.Whenhermotheraskedwhythatwasaproblem,thelittle

girlreplied,“Whenwegointospacetogether,whowillwatchourkids?”

Atfive,shethoughtthemostchallengingaspectofspacetravelwouldbe

dependablechildcare.

As I’ve mentioned, I’m a big believer in thoughtful preparation.

EverywhereIgo,Icarryalittlenotebookwithmyto-dolist—anactual

notebookthatIwriteinwithanactualpen.(Inthetechworld,thisislike

carrying a stone tablet and chisel.) But when it comes to integrating

career and family, planning too far in advance can close doors rather

thanopenthem.Ihaveseenthishappenoverandover.Womenrarely

makeonebigdecisiontoleavetheworkforce.Instead,theymakealot

ofsmalldecisionsalongtheway,makingaccommodationsandsacrifices

that they believe will be required to have a family. Of all the ways

women hold themselves back, perhaps the most pervasive is that they

leavebeforetheyleave.

The classic scenario unfolds like this. An ambitious and successful

woman heads down a challenging career path with the thought of

having children in the back of her mind. At some point, this thought

movestothefrontofhermind,typicallyonceshefindsapartner.The

woman considers how hard she is working and reasons that to make

room for a child she will have to scale back. A law associate might

decide not to shoot for partner because someday she hopes to have a

family.Ateachermightpassonleadingcurriculumdevelopmentforher

school.Asalesrepresentativemighttakeasmallerterritoryornotapply

foramanagementrole.Oftenwithoutevenrealizingit,thewomanstops

reachingfornewopportunities.Ifanyarepresentedtoher,sheislikely

to decline or offer the kind of hesitant “yes” that gets the project

assigned to someone else. The problem is that even if she were to get

pregnantimmediately,shestillhasninemonthsbeforeshehastocare

for an actual child. And since women usually start this mental

preparation well before trying to conceive, several years often pass

betweenthethoughtandconception,letalonebirth.Inthecaseofmy

Facebookquestioner,itmightevenbeadecade.

Bythetimethebabyarrives,thewomanislikelytobeinadrastically

different place in her career than she would have been had she not

leanedback.Before,shewasatopperformer,onparwithherpeersin

responsibility, opportunity, and pay. By not finding ways to stretch

herself in the years leading up to motherhood, she has fallen behind.

Whenshereturnstotheworkplaceafterherchildisborn,sheislikelyto

feellessfulfilled,underutilized,orunappreciated.Shemaywonderwhy

she is working for someone (usually a man) who has less experience

thanshedoes.Orshemaywonderwhyshedoesnothavetheexciting

newprojector thecorneroffice.Atthis point,sheprobablyscalesher

ambitionsbackevenfurthersinceshenolongerbelievesthatshecanget

tothetop.Andifshehasthefinancialresourcestoleaveherjob,sheis

morelikelytodoso.

Themoresatisfiedapersoniswithherposition,thelesslikelysheis

toleave.

Sotheirony—and,tome,thetragedy—isthatwomenwindup

leavingtheworkforcepreciselybecauseofthingstheydidtostayinthe

workforce.Withthebestofintentions,theyendupinajobthatisless

fulfillingandlessengaging.Whentheyfinallyhaveachild,thechoice—

forthosewhohaveone—isbetweenbecomingastay-at-homemotheror

returningtoaless-than-appealingprofessionalsituation.

JoannaStrober,co-authorofGettingto50/50,creditsacompellingjob

for her decision to return to the workforce after becoming a mother.

“When I first started working, there were lots of scary stories about

femaleexecutiveswhoignoredtheirkidsorweren’thomeenough,”she

told me. “Everyone in our office talked about one executive whose

daughtersupposedlytoldherthatwhenshegrewupshewantedtobea

client because they got all the attention. I found these stories so

depressingthatIgaveupbeforeevenreallystartingdown the partner

track. However, when five years later I was in a job I really loved, I

foundmyselfwantingtoreturntoworkafterafewweeksofmaternity

leave. I realized those executives weren’t scary at all. Like me, they

lovedtheirkidsalot.And,likeme,theyalsolovedtheirjobs.”

Therearemanypowerfulreasonstoexittheworkforce.Beingastay-

at-home parent is a wonderful, and often necessary, choice for many

people.Not every parent needs,wants,or should beexpectedto work

outsidethehome.Inaddition,wedonotcontrolallofthefactorsthat

influence us, including the health of our children. Plus, many people

welcometheopportunitytogetoutoftheratrace.Nooneshouldpass

judgmentonthesehighlypersonaldecisions.Ifullysupportanymanor

womanwhodedicateshisorherlifetoraisingthenextgeneration.Itis

importantanddemandingandjoyfulwork.

WhatIamarguingisthatthetimetoscalebackis whenabreakis

neededorwhenachildarrives—notbefore,andcertainlynotyearsin

advance.Themonthsandyearsleadinguptohavingchildrenarenotthe

timetoleanback,butthecriticaltimetoleanin.

Severalyearsago,IapproachedanemployeeatFacebooktomanage

animportantnewproject.Sheseemedflatteredatfirstbutthenbecame

noticeablyhesitant.Shetoldmethatshewasn’tsuresheshouldtakeon

moreresponsibility.Obviously,somethingelsewasgoingon,soIquietly

asked,“Areyouworriedabouttakingthisonbecauseyou’reconsidering

havingachildsometimesoon?”Afewyearsearlier,Iwouldhavebeen

afraid to ask this question. Managers are not supposed to factor

childbearing plans into account in hiring or management decisions.

Raisingthistopicintheworkplacewouldgivemostemploymentlawyers

a heart attack. But after watching so many talented women pass on

opportunities for unspoken reasons, I started addressing this issue

directly. I always give people the optionof not answering, but so far,

everywomanIhaveaskedhasappearedgratefulforachancetodiscuss

thesubject.IalsomakeitclearthatIamonlyaskingforonereason:to

makesuretheyaren’tlimitingtheiroptionsunnecessarily.

In2009,we were recruiting PritiChoksito join Facebook’s business

developmentteam.Afterweextendedanoffer,shecameintoasksome

follow-up questions about the role. She did not mention lifestyle or

hours,butshewasthetypicalagewhenwomenhavechildren.Soaswe

werewrappingup,Iwentforit.“Ifyouthinkyoumightnottakethisjob

becauseyouwanttohaveachildsoon,Iamhappytotalkaboutthis.”I

figuredifshedidn’twanttodiscussit,shewouldjustkeepheadingfor

the door. Instead, she turned around, sat back down, and said, “Let’s

talk.” I explained that although it was counterintuitive, right before

having a child can actually be a great time to take a new job. If she

foundhernewrolechallengingandrewarding,she’dbemoreexcitedto

returntoitaftergivingbirth.Ifshestayedput,shemightdecidethather

jobwasnotworththesacrifice.Pritiacceptedouroffer.Bythetimeshe

startedatFacebook,shewasalreadyexpecting.Eightmonthslater,she

hadherbaby,tookfourmonthsoff,andcamebacktoajobsheloved.

She later told me that if I had not raised the topic, she would have

turnedusdown.

Likesomanywomen,CarolineO’Connorbelievedthatsomedayshe’d

havetochoosebetweencareerandfamily.Thatdaycamesoonerthan

sheexpected.CarolinewasfinishingupatStanford’sInstituteofDesign

whenshewasofferedthe chancetostartacompanyatthe sametime

thatshelearnedshewaspregnant.Herknee-jerkreactionwastothink

that she could not do both. But then she decided to question this

assumption. “I began thinking of my dilemma as I would a design

challenge,” O’Connor wrote. “Rather than accepting that launching a

successfulstart-upandhavingababyareutterlyincompatible,Iframed

it as a question and then set about using tools I’ve developed as a

designer to begin forming an answer.” O’Connor gathered data from

dozensofmothersabouttheirexperiencesandcopingmechanisms.She

did fieldwork on sleep deprivation by taking a night shift with foster

infants.Sheconcludedthatwithateamculturethatdrewsupportfrom

her husband and friends, it would be possible to proceed with both.

O’Connor now refers to herself as “a career-loving parent,” a nice

alternativeto“workingmom.”

Given life’s variables, I would never recommend that every woman

leaninregardlessofcircumstances.TherehavebeentimeswhenIchose

not to. In the summer of 2006, a tiny start-up called LinkedIn was

lookingforanewCEO,andReidHoffman,LinkedIn’sfounder,reached

outtome.Ithoughtitwasagreatopportunity,andafterfiveyearsin

the same position at Google I wasready for a new challenge.But the

timing was tricky. I was thirty-seven years old and wanted to have a

secondchild.ItoldReidthetruth:regrettably,IhadtopassbecauseI

didn’tthinkIcouldhandlebothapregnancyandanewjob.Hisreaction

was incredibly kind and supportive. He tried to talk me into it, even

volunteeringtoworkfull-timeatthecompanytosupportmeduringthat

period,butitwashardtoseeapaththrough.

For some women, pregnancy does not slow them down at all, but

ratherservestofocusthemandprovidesafirmdeadlinetoworktoward.

MychildhoodfriendEliseSchecklooksbackfondlyonbeingpregnant,

sayingshehasneverfeltsoproductive.Shenotonlyworkedherusual

hours as an attorney but organized her house and put five years of

photos into albums. For others, like me, pregnancy is very difficult,

makingitimpossibletobeaseffectiveasnormal.Itriedwritinge-mails

while hovering over the toilet, but the situation didn’t lend itself to

effectivemultitasking.BecauseIhadalreadybeenthroughthiswithmy

firstpregnancy,IknewwhatIwasinfor.IturneddownReid’sofferand

gotpregnant—andextremelynauseated—afewmonthslater.

AnyregretsIhadaboutnottakingthatjobevaporatedwhen,about

seven months after my daughter was born, Mark offered me the

opportunity to join Facebook. The timing was still not ideal. As many

people had warned, and I quickly discovered to be true, having two

children was more than double the work of having one. I was not

lookingfor new challenges butsimply trying to getthrough each day.

Still,DaveandIrecognizedthatifIwaiteduntilthetimingwasexactly

right,theopportunitywouldbegone.Mydecisiontotakethejobwas

personal,asthesedecisionsalwaysare.Andthereweredaysinmyfirst

six months at Facebook when I wondered whether I’d made the right

choice.Bytheendofmyfirstyear,IknewIhad…forme.

The birth of a child instantly changes how we define ourselves.

Womenbecomemothers.Menbecomefathers.Couplesbecomeparents.

Our priorities shift in fundamental ways. Parenting may be the most

rewardingexperience, but it is also the hardest and most humbling. If

therewerearightwaytoraisekids,everyonewoulddoit.Clearly,that

isnotthecase.

Oneoftheimmediatequestionsnewparentsfaceiswhowillprovide

primary care for a child. The historical choice has been the mother.

Breast-feeding alone has made this both the logical and the biological

choice.Buttheadventofthemodern-daybreastpumphaschangedthe

equation. At Google, I would lock my office door and pump during

conference calls. People would ask, “What’s that sound?” I would

respond,“Whatsound?”Whentheywouldinsistthattherewasaloud

beeping noise that they could hear on the phone, I would say, “Oh,

there’safiretruckacrossthestreet.”IthoughtIwasprettycleveruntilI

realizedthatothersonthecallweresometimesinthesamebuildingand

knewtherewasnofiretruck.Busted.

Despite modern methods that can minimize the impact of biological

imperatives,womenstilldothevastmajorityofchildcare.Asaresult,

becomingaparentdecreasesworkforceparticipationforwomenbutnot

men.

Forty-threepercentofhighly qualifiedwomenwithchildrenare

leavingcareers,or“off-ramping,”foraperiodoftime.

Women who are the most likely to leave the workforce are

concentratedatoppositeendsoftheearningscale,marriedtomenwho

earntheleastandthemost.In2006,only20percentofmotherswhose

husband’searningslandedinthemiddle(betweenthetwenty-fifthand

seventy-fifth percentiles) were out of the labor force. In contrast, a

whopping 52 percent of mothers with husbands in the bottom quarter

and40percentofmotherswithhusbandsinthetop5percentwereout

ofthelaborforce.

Obviously,theirreasonsforstayinghomearevastly

different. Mothers married to the lowest-earning men struggle to find

jobs that pay enough to cover child care costs, which are increasingly

unaffordable.Overthepastdecade,childcarecostshaverisentwiceas

fastasthemedianincomeoffamilieswithchildren.
8
The cost fortwo
children (an infant and a four-year-old) to go to a day care center is
greater than the annual median rent payment in every state in the
country.
9
Womenmarriedtomenwithgreaterresourcesleaveforavarietyof
reasons, but one important factor is the number of hours that their
husbands work. When husbands work fifty or more hours per week,
wives with children are 44 percent more likely to quit their jobs than
wiveswithchildrenwhosehusbandsworkless.
10
Manyofthesemothers
arethosewiththehighestlevelsofeducation.A2007surveyofHarvard
Business School alumni found that while men’s rates of full-time
employmentneverfellbelow91percent,only81percentofwomenwho
graduatedintheearly2000sand49percentofwomenwhograduated
in the early 1990s were working full-time.
11
 Of Yale alumni who had
reachedtheirfortiesby2000,only56percentofthewomenremainedin
theworkforce,comparedwith90percentofthemen.
12
Thisexodusof
highlyeducatedwomenisamajorcontributortotheleadershipgap.
Whileit’shardtopredicthowanindividualwillreacttobecominga
parent,it’seasytopredictsociety’sreaction.Whenacoupleannounces
that they are having a baby, everyone says “Congratulations!” to the
man and “Congratulations! What are you planning on doing about
work?”tothewoman.Thebroadlyheldassumptionisthatraisingtheir
childisherresponsibility.Inmorethanthirtyyears,thisperceptionhas
changedverylittle.AsurveyofthePrincetonclassof1975foundthat
54percentofthewomenforesawwork-familyconflictcomparedto26
percent of the men. The same survey of the Princeton class of 2006
found that 62 percent of the women anticipated work-family conflict
compared to only 33 percent of the men. Three decades separate the
studies and still nearly twice as many women as men enter the
workforceanticipatingthisstumblingblock.Evenin2006,46percentof
themenwhoanticipatedthisconflictexpectedtheirspousetostepoff
her career track to raise their children. Only 5 percent of the women
believed their spouse would alter his career to accommodate their
child.
13
Personalchoicesarenotalwaysaspersonalastheyappear.Weareall
influenced by social conventions, peer pressure, and familial
expectations.Ontopoftheseforces,womenwhocanaffordtodropout

oftheworkplaceoftenreceivenotjustpermissionbutencouragementto

dosofromalldirections.

Imagine that a career is like a marathon—a long, grueling, and

ultimately rewarding endeavor. Now imagine a marathon where both

menandwomenarriveatthestartinglineequallyfitandtrained.The

gun goes off. The men and women run side by side. The male

marathonersare routinely cheeredon: “Lookin’ strong!On your way!”

Butthefemalerunnershearadifferentmessage.“Youknowyoudon’t

have to do this!” the crowd shouts. Or “Good start—but you probably

won’twanttofinish.”The fartherthemarathonersrun,thelouderthe

criesgrowforthemen:“Keepgoing!You’vegotthis!”Butthewomen

hear more and more doubts about their efforts. External voices, and

oftentheirowninternalvoice,repeatedlyquestiontheirdecisiontokeep

running. The voices can even grow hostile. As the women struggle to

endure the rigors of the race, spectators shout, “Why are you running

whenyourchildrenneedyouathome?”

Backin1997,DebiHemmeterwasarisingexecutiveatSaraLeewho

aspiredtosomedayleadamajorcorporationlikeherrolemodel,Pepsi-

Cola North America CEO Brenda Barnes. Even after starting a family,

Debicontinuedto pursuehercareeratfull speed.Thenonedaywhen

Debi was on a business trip, she opened her hotel door to find USA

Todaywiththestartlingheadline“PepsiChiefTradesWorkforFamily.”

The subhead elaborated: “22-Year Veteran Got Burned Out.” In that

moment,Debisaidshefeltherownambitionsshift.AsDebitoldme,“It

seemed like if this extraordinary woman couldn’t make it work, who

could?Soonafter,IwasofferedabigjobatabankandIturneditdown

becausemydaughterwasjustayearoldandIdidn’tthinkIcoulddoit.

Almostadecadelater,Itookasimilarjobanddiditwell,butIlosta

decade. I actually saved that clipping and still have it today. It’s a

reminderofwhatIdon’twantanothergenerationtogothrough.”

Ifafemalemarathonercanignoretheshoutsofthecrowdandgetpast

thetoughmiddleoftherace,shewilloftenhitherstride.Yearsago,I

metaninvestmentbankerinNewYorkwhosehusbandworkedinpublic

service. She told me that over the years all of her female friends in

bankingquit,butbecauseshewasherfamily’sprimarybreadwinner,she

hadtostickitout.Thereweredayswhenshewasjealousandwished

shecouldleave,dayswhentherewasjusttoomuchtodoortoomuch

craptoputupwith.Butshedidnothavethatoption.Eventually,she

landedinapositionthathadlesscrapandmoreimpact.Nowwhenshe

looksback,sheisgladthateveninthehardtimes,shecontinuedinher

career. Today, she has a close relationship with her children and now

that they have grown up and movedaway, she’s especially grateful to

haveafulfillingjob.

Although pundits and politicians, usually male, often claim that

motherhoodisthemostimportantanddifficultworkofall,womenwho

taketimeoutoftheworkforcepayabigcareerpenalty.Only74percent

of professional women will rejoin the workforce in any capacity, and

only40percentwillreturntofull-timejobs.

Thosewhodorejoinwill

oftenseetheirearningsdecreasedramatically.Controllingforeducation

and hours worked, women’s average annual earnings decrease by 20

percent if they are out of the workforce for just one year.

 Average

annualearningsdeclineby30percentaftertwotothreeyears,

which

is the average amount of time that professional women off-ramp from

theworkforce.

Ifsocietytrulyvaluedtheworkofcaringforchildren,

companies and institutions would find ways to reduce these steep

penalties and help parents combine career and family responsibilities.

All too often rigid work schedules, lack of paid family leave, and

expensive or undependable child care derail women’s best efforts.

Governmental and company policies such as paid personal time off,

affordable high-quality child care, and flexible work practices would

servefamilies,andsociety,well.

One miscalculation that some women make is to drop out early in

their careers because their salary barely covers the cost of child care.

Child care is a huge expense, and it’s frustrating to work hard just to

breakeven.Butprofessionalwomenneedtomeasurethecostofchild

care against their future salary rather than their current salary. Anna

Fieler describes becoming a mom at thirty-two as “the time when the

rubber hit the road.” A rising star in marketing, Anna was concerned

that her after-tax salary barely covered her child care expenses. “With

husbandsoftenmakingmorethanwives,itseemslikehigherROItojust

investinhiscareer,”shetoldme.Butshethoughtaboutallthetimeand

money she had already invested in her career and didn’t see how

walkingawaymadeeconomicsenseeither.Soshemadewhatshecalled

“a leap of blind faith” and stayed in the workforce. Years later, her

incomeismanytimesgreaterthanwhenshealmostwithdrew.Wisely,

Annaandotherwomenhavestartedtothinkofpayingforchildcareas

a way of investing in their families’ future. As the years go by,

compensation often increases. Flexibility typically increases, too, as

seniorleadersoftenhavemorecontrolovertheirhoursandschedules.

Andwhataboutmenwhowanttoleavetheworkforce?Ifwemakeit

tooeasyforwomentodropoutofthecareermarathon,wealsomakeit

too hard for men. Just as women feel that they bear the primary

responsibilityofcaringfortheirchildren,manymenfeelthattheybear

theprimaryresponsibilityofsupportingtheirfamiliesfinancially.Their

self-worth is tied mainly to their professional success, and they

frequentlybelievethattheyhavenochoicebuttofinishthatmarathon.

Choosingtoleaveachildinsomeoneelse’scareandreturntoworkis

a difficult decision. Any parent who has done this, myself included,

knowshowheartwrenchingitcanbe.Onlyacompelling,challenging,

and rewarding job will begin to make that choice a fair contest. And

evenafterachoiceismade,parentshaveeveryrighttoreassessalong

theway.

Anyoneluckyenoughtohaveoptionsshouldkeepthemopen.Don’t

entertheworkforcealreadylookingfortheexit.Don’tputonthebrakes.

Accelerate.Keepafootonthegaspedaluntiladecisionmustbemade.

That’stheonlywaytoensurethatwhenthatdaycomes,therewillbea

realdecisiontomake.

MakeYourPartneraRealPartner

BEING A MOTHERhasbeenanamazingexperienceforme.Givingbirthwas

not.Afterninemonthsofseriousnausea,Icouldnotwaittomoveonto

thenext phase. Unfortunately,my son was in no such rush. When my

duedatearrived,myOBdecidedIshouldbeinduced.Myparentsand

my sister, Michelle, joined me and Dave at the hospital. Some say it

takesavillagetoraiseachild,butinmycase,ittookavillagejusttoget

thechildoutofme.Myhoursinlaborwenton…andon…andon.For

mysupporters,excitementgavewaytoboredom.Atonepoint,Ineeded

helpthroughacontractionbut couldn’tgetanyone’sattentionbecause

theywereallonthe othersideoftheroom,showingfamilyphotos to

mydoctor.Ithasbeenarunningjokeinmyfamilythatit’shardtohold

anyone’sattentionfortoolong.Laborwasnoexceptiontothatrule.

After three and half hours of pushing, my son finally emerged,

weighing nine pounds, seven ounces. Half of that weight was in his

head.Mysisterisapediatricianandhasattendedhundredsofdeliveries.

She kindly did not tell me until much later that mine was one of the

hardest she had ever witnessed. It was all worth it when my son was

pronounced healthy and the nausea that I had felt for nine straight

monthsvanishedwithinanhour.Theworstwasover.

Thenextmorning,Igotoutofbedinmyhospitalroom,tookonestep,

and fell to the floor. Apparently I had yanked my leg back so hard

duringlaborthatIhadpulledatendon.Iwasoncrutchesforaweek.

Beingunabletostandaddedadegreeofdifficultytomyfirstweekof

motherhoodbutalsoprovidedoneunforeseenbenefit:Davebecamethe

primarycaregiverforournewborn.Davehadtogetupwhenthebaby

cried,bringhimtometobefed,changehim,andthengethimbackto

sleep.Normally,themotherbecomestheinstantbabycareexpert.Inour

case,Davetaughtmehowtochangeadiaperwhenoursonwaseight

daysold.IfDaveandIhadplannedthis,wewouldhavebeengeniuses.

Butwedidn’tandwearen’t.

Infact,weshouldhaveplannedalotmore.WhenIwassixmonths

pregnant, a Ph.D. candidate interviewed me by phone for her

dissertationonworkingcouples.Shebeganbyasking,“Howdoyoudoit

all?”Isaid,“Idon’t.Idon’tevenhaveachild,”andsuggestedthatshe

interviewsomeonewhoactuallydid.Shesaid,“You’rejustafewmonths

awayfromhavingababy,sosurelyyouandyourhusbandhavethought

aboutwhoisgoingtopickupyourchildifheissickatschool?Whois

goingtoarrangeforchildcare?”Andsoon.Icouldn’tanswerasingle

one of her questions. By the end of the call, I was in full panic,

overwhelmedbyhowtrulyunpreparedDaveandIweretohandlethese

responsibilities. As soon as Dave walked in the door that night, I

pounced. “Ohmigod!” I said. “We are just a few months away from

having a baby, and we have never talked about any of this!” Dave

looked at me like I was crazy. “What?” he said. “This is all we talk

about.”

In dissecting this discrepancy, Dave and I figured out that we had

spentalot of time talkingabouthow we would do things,butalmost

always in the abstract. So Dave was right that we had discussed

parenthoodoften,andIwasrightthatthediscussionhadnotbeenthat

practical. Part of the problem wasthat our inexperience madeit hard

eventoknowwhatspecificstocover.Wehadverylittleideawhatwe

wereinfor.

Ialsothinkthatwewereindenialaboutthetremendousshiftinour

livesthatwasrapidlyapproaching.DaveandIwerenotevenworkingin

thesamecitywhenIgotpregnant(althoughjusttobeclear,wewerein

the same place when I got pregnant). Dave had founded a company,

Launch Media, in L.A. and sold it to Yahoo years earlier. Yahoo’s

headquarterswereinNorthernCalifornia,whereIlivedandworked,but

Dave’steamremainedinLosAngeles,wherehelivedandworked.When

westarteddating,wedecidedtobaseourlifetogetherintheBayArea,

soDavebegancommuting,typicallyspendingMondaythroughThursday

inSouthernCaliforniaandthenflyingnorthtospendweekendswithme.

Thispatterncontinuedevenafterweweremarried.

Afterthe birth ofour son, Davebegan flying back andforth several

timesaweek.Itwasgreatthatwehadtheabilityforhimtocommute,

but it was far from ideal. Even though he was making an exhausting
efforttobewithmeandourbaby,hewasstillgonealot.SinceIwas
withthebabyfull-time,thegreatmajorityofchildcarefelltome.The
division of labor felt uneven and strained our marriage. We hired a
nanny, but she couldn’t solve all our problems; the emotional support
andsharedexperiencethataspouseprovidescannotbebought.Aftera
fewshortmonthsofparenthood,wehadalreadyfallenintotraditional,
lopsidedgenderroles.
Wewerenotunique.Inthelastthirtyyears,womenhavemademore
progress in the workforce than in the home. According to the most
recentanalysis,whenahusbandandwifebothareemployedfull-time,
themotherdoes40percentmorechildcareandabout30percentmore
houseworkthanthefather.
1
A2009surveyfoundthatonly9percentof
peopleindual-earnermarriagessaidthattheysharedhousework,child
care, and breadwinning evenly.
2
 So while men are taking on more
household responsibilities, this increase is happening very slowly, and
wearestillfarfromparity.
3
(Perhapsunsurprisingly,same-sexcouples
dividehouseholdtasksmuchmoreevenly.)
4
Public policy reinforces this gender bias. The U.S. Census Bureau
considersmothersthe“designatedparent,”evenwhenbothparentsare
present in the home.
5
 When mothers care for their children, it’s
“parenting,” but when fathers care for their children, the government
deemsita“childcarearrangement.”
6
Ihaveevenheardafewmensay
thattheyareheadinghometo“babysit”fortheirchildren.Ihavenever
heardawomanrefertotakingcareofherownchildrenas“babysitting.”
Afriendofmineranateam-buildingexerciseduringacompanyretreat
wherepeoplewereaskedtofillintheirhobbies.Halfofthemeninthe
grouplisted“theirchildren”ashobbies.Ahobby?Formostmothers,kids
arenotahobby.Showeringisahobby.
MyfriendsKatieandScottMiticflipthispattern.KatieandScottare
bothSiliconValleyentrepreneurswhoworkfull-time.Aboutayearago,
ScotttraveledtotheEastCoastforwork.Hewasstartingalate-morning
meeting when his phone rang. His team only heard one side of the
conversation.“Asandwich,carrotsticks,acut-upapple,pretzels,anda
cookie,”Scottsaid.Hehungupsmilingandexplainedthathiswifewas
askingwhatsheshouldputinthekids’lunchboxes.Everyonelaughed.
Afewmonthslater,Scottwasbackeastwiththesameworkcolleagues.

TheywereinacablatethatmorningwhenScott’sphonerang.Histeam

listenedindisbeliefashepatientlyrepeatedthelunchlistalloveragain:

“Asandwich,carrotsticks,acut-upapple,pretzels,andacookie.”

When Scott tells this story, it’s sweet and funny. But take this same

storyandswitchthegendersanditlosesitscharm.That’sjustrealityfor

most couples. Scott and Katie buck expectations with their division of

household duties. There’s an epilogue to their story. Scott went on a

third trip and discovered that Katie forgot to make the kids’ lunches

altogether.Sherealizedherslipupmidmorningandsolvedtheproblem

by having a pizza delivered to the school cafeteria. Their kids were

thrilled, but Scott was not. Now when he travels, he packs lunches in

advanceandleavesnoteswithspecificinstructionsforhiswife.

There may be an evolutionary basis for one parent knowing better

what to put in a child’s lunch. Women who breast-feed are arguably

baby’sfirstlunchbox.Butevenifmothersaremorenaturallyinclined

toward nurturing, fathers can match that skill with knowledge and

effort. If women want to succeed more at work and if men want to

succeed more at home, these expectations have to be challenged. As

Gloria Steinem once observed, “It’s not about biology, but about

consciousness.”

Weovercomebiologywithconsciousnessinotherareas.Forexample,

storing large amounts of fat was necessary to survive when food was

scarce,soweevolvedtocraveitandconsumeitwhenit’savailable.But

inthiseraofplenty,wenolongerneedlargeamountsoffuelinreserve,

soinsteadofsimplygivingintothisinclination,weexerciseandlimit

caloricintake.Weusewillpowertocombatbiology,oratleastwetry.

So even if “mother knows best” is rooted in biology, it need not be

writteninstone.Awillingmotherandawillingfatherareallitrequires.

Yes,someoneneedstorememberwhatgoesintothelunchbox,butas

Katiewillattest,itdoesnothavetobeMom.

As women must be more empowered at work, men must be more

empowered at home. I have seen so many women inadvertently

discourage their husbands from doing their share by being too

controllingorcritical.Socialscientistscallthis“maternalgatekeeping,”

whichisafancytermfor“Ohmigod,that’snotthewayyoudoit!Just

moveasideandletme!”

Whenitcomestochildren,fathersoftentake

theircuesfrommothers.Thisgivesamothergreatpowertoencourage

orimpedethefather’sinvolvement.Ifsheactsasagatekeepermother

and is reluctant to hand over responsibility, or worse, questions the

father’sefforts,hedoesless.

Wheneveramarriedwomanasksmeforadviceoncoparentingwitha

husband, I tell her to let him put the diaper on the baby any way he

wantsaslongashe’sdoingithimself.Andifhegetsuptodealwiththe

diaperbeforebeingasked,sheshouldsmileevenifheputsthatdiaper

onthebaby’shead.Overtime,ifhedoesthingshisway,he’llfindthe

correctend.Butifhe’sforcedtodothingsherway,prettysoonshe’llbe

doingthemherself.

Anyonewhowantshermatetobeatruepartnermusttreathimasan

equal—and equally capable—partner. And if that’s not reason enough,

bearinmindthatastudyfoundthatwiveswhoengageingatekeeping

behaviorsdofivemorehoursoffamilyworkperweekthanwiveswho

takeamorecollaborativeapproach.

Anothercommonandcounterproductivedynamicoccurswhenwomen

assignorsuggesttaskstotheirpartners.Sheisdelegating,andthat’sa

step in the right direction. But sharing responsibility should mean

sharing responsibility. Each partner needs to be in charge of specific

activitiesoritbecomestooeasyforonetofeellikehe’sdoingafavor

insteadofdoinghispart.

Likemanypiecesofadvice,lettingapartnertakeresponsibilityanddo

his share in his own way is easy to say and hard to do. My brother,

David, and sister-in-law, Amy, were very aware of this tension when

theyfirstbecameparents.“Thereweremanytimeswhenourdaughter

wasmoreeasilyconsoledbyme,”Amysaid.“It’sreallyhardtolistento

your baby cry while your struggling husband with no breasts tries

desperately and sometimes awkwardly to comfort her. David was

insistentthatratherthanhandingthebabytomewhenshewascrying,

weallowhimtocomfortherevenifittooklonger.Itwasharderinthe

short run, but it absolutely paid off when our daughter learned that

DaddycouldtakecareofheraswellasMommy.”

I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a

woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that

partneris.Idon’tknowofonewomaninaleadershippositionwhoselife

partner is not fully—and I mean fully—supportive of her career. No

exceptions. And contrary to the popular notion that only unmarried

women can make it to the top, the majority of the most successful

femalebusinessleadershavepartners.Ofthetwenty-eightwomenwho

have served as CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, twenty-six were

married,onewasdivorced,andonlyonehadnevermarried.

Manyof

theseCEOssaidthey“couldnothavesucceededwithoutthesupportof

their husbands, helping with the children, the household chores, and

showingawillingnesstomove.”

Notsurprisingly,alackofspousalsupportcanhavetheoppositeeffect

onacareer.Ina2007studyofwell-educatedprofessionalwomenwho

hadleftthepaidworkforce,60percentcitedtheirhusbandsasacritical

factor in their decision.

 These women specifically listed their

husbands’ lack of participation in child care and other domestic tasks

and the expectation that wives should be the ones to cut back on

employment as reasons for quitting. No wonder when asked at a

conference what men could do to help advance women’s leadership,

HarvardBusinessSchoolprofessorRosabethMossKanteranswered,“The

laundry.”

Taskslikelaundry,foodshopping,cleaning,andcookingare

mundaneandmandatory.Typically,thesetasksfalltowomen.

InJanuary2012,IreceivedaletterfromRuthChang,adoctorwith

twoyoungchildrenwhohadseenmyTEDTalk.Shehadbeenoffereda

newjoboverseeingseventy-fivedoctorsinfivemedicalclinics.Herfirst

instinct was to say no out of concern that she could not handle the

expandedresponsibilityinadditiontotakingcareofherfamily.Butthen

shewavered,andinthat moment, Dr. Chang wrote me, “Iheardyour

voicesaying,‘Sitatthetable’andIknewIhadtoacceptthepromotion.

So that evening, I told my husband I was taking the job … and then

handed him the grocery list.” Sharing the burden of the mundane can

makeallthedifference.

Mycareerandmarriageareinextricablyintertwined.Duringthatfirst

yearDaveandIwereparents,itbecameclearthatbalancingtwocareers

and two cities was not adding up to one happy family. Weneeded to

make some changes. But what? I loved my job at Google and he felt

enormously loyal to his team in L.A. We struggled through the

commuting for another long year of marital less-than-bliss. By then,

Dave was ready to leave Yahoo. He limited his job search to the San

Francisco area, which was a sacrifice on his part, since more of his

professional interests and contacts were in L.A. He eventually became

CEOofSurveyMonkeyandwasabletomovethecompanyheadquarters

fromPortlandtotheBayArea.

Oncewewereinthesamecity,itstilltookussometimetofigureout

how to coordinate our work schedules. Even though Dave and I are

extraordinarilyfortunateandcanaffordexceptionalchildcare,thereare

stilldifficultandpainfuldecisionsabouthowmuchtimeourjobsrequire

ustobeawayfrom ourfamilyandwhowillpickup theslack.Wesit

downatthebeginningofeveryweekandfigureoutwhichoneofuswill

driveourchildrentoschooleachday.Webothtrytobehomefordinner

asmanynightsaswecan.(Atdinner,wegoaroundthetableandshare

thebestandworsteventfromourday;Irefrainfromsayingso,butmy

bestisusuallybeinghomefordinnerinthefirstplace.)Ifoneofusis

scheduledtobeaway,theotheralmostalwaysarrangestobehome.On

weekends,Itrytofocus completely on my kids (althoughIhavebeen

knowntosneakoffafewe-mailsfromthebathroomofthelocalsoccer

field).

Likeallmarriages,oursisaworkinprogress.DaveandIhavehadour

shareofbumpsonourpathtoachievingaroughlyfifty-fiftysplit.After

alotofeffortandseeminglyendlessdiscussion,wearepartnersnotjust

in what we do, but in who is in charge. Each of us makes sure that

things that need to get done do indeed get done. Our division of

householdchoresisactuallyprettytraditional.Davepaysbills,handles

ourfinances,providestechsupport.Ischedulethekids’activities,make

surethereisfoodinthefridge,planthebirthdayparties.SometimesI’m

bothered by this classic gender division of labor. Am I perpetuating

stereotypesbyfallingintothesepatterns?ButIwouldratherplanaDora

theExplorerpartythanpayaninsurancebill,andsinceDavefeelsthe

exact opposite, this arrangement works for us. It takes continual

communication,honesty,andalotofforgivenesstomaintainarickety

balance. We are never at fifty-fifty at any given moment—perfect

equality is hard to define or sustain—but we allow the pendulum to

swingbackandforthbetweenus.

Inthecomingyears,ourbalancingactmaygetharder.Ourchildren

arestillyoungandgotosleepearly,whichgivesmeplentyoftimeto

workatnight and even to watchwhatDave considers to be trulybad

TV. As the kids get older, we will have to adjust. Many of my friends

havetoldmethatteenagechildrenrequiremoretimefromtheirparents.

Everystageoflifehasitschallenges.Fortunately,IhaveDavetofigureit

out with me. He’s the best partner I could imagine—even though he’s

wrongaboutmyTVshowsbeingbad.

HavingatruepartnerlikeDaveisstillfartoorare.Whileweexpect

womentobenurturing,wedon’thavethesameexpectationsofmen.My

brother, David, once told me about a colleague who bragged about

playing soccer the afternoon that his first child was born. To David’s

credit,insteadofnoddingandsmiling,hespokeupandexplainedthat

hedidn’tthinkthatwaseithercoolorimpressive.Thisopinionneedsto

bevoicedloudlyandrepeatedlyonsoccerfields,inworkplaces,andin

homes.

My brother had a wonderful role model in my father, who was an

engagedandactiveparent.Likemostmenofhisgeneration,myfather

didverylittledomesticwork,butunlikemostmenofhisgeneration,he

washappy to changediapers and give baths.He was home for dinner

every night, since his ophthalmology practice required no travel and

involved few emergencies. He coached my brother’s and sister’s sports

teams(andwouldhavehappilycoachedmineifIhadbeentheslightest

bit coordinated). He helped me with my homework regularly and was

mymostenthusiasticfanwhenIparticipatedinoratorycontests.

Studies from around the world have concluded that children benefit

greatlyfrompaternalinvolvement.Researchoverthelastfortyyearshas

consistently found that in comparison to children with less-involved

fathers,childrenwithinvolvedandlovingfathershavehigherlevelsof

psychological well-being and better cognitive abilities.

 When fathers

provide even just routine child care, children have higher levels of

educational and economic achievement and lower delinquency rates.

Their children even tend to be more empathetic and socially

competent.

 These findings hold true for children from all

socioeconomic backgrounds, whether or not the mother is highly

involved.

We all need to encourage men to lean in to their families.

Unfortunately, traditional gender roles are reinforced not just by

individuals, but also by employment policies. Most companies in the

UnitedStatesoffermoretimeoffformaternitythanpaternityleave,and

mentakefarfewerextendedbreaksfromworkforfamilyreasons.

Our

lawssupportthisdoublestandard.IntheUnitedStates,onlyfivestates

provideanyincomereplacementforthecareofanewbaby(whichisa
large problem in and of itself). In three of these states, this benefit is
only offered to mothers and is characterized as a pregnancy disability
benefit.Onlytwostatesofferapaidfamilyleavebenefitthatfatherscan
use.
18
Ingeneral,fathersdonottakemuchtimeoffforanewchild;a
survey of fathers in the corporate sector found that the vast majority
tookoffoneweekorlesswhentheirpartnersgavebirth,hardlyenough
time to start out as an equal parent.
19
 I’m proud that even before I
arrived,Facebookofferedequaltimeformaternityandpaternityleave.
When family friendly benefits like paternity leave or reduced work
hoursareoffered,bothmaleandfemaleemployeesoftenworrythatif
they take advantage of these programs, they will be seen as
uncommitted to their jobs. And for good reason. Employees who use
these benefits often face steep penalties ranging from substantial pay
cutstolostpromotionstomarginalization.
20
Bothmenandwomencan
bepenalizedatworkforprioritizingfamily,butmenmaypayaneven
higher price.
21
 When male employees take a leave of absence or just
leave work early to care for a sick child, they can face negative
consequences that range from being teased to receiving lower
performanceratingstoreducingtheirchanceforaraiseorpromotion.
22
Fathers who want to drop out of the workforce entirely and devote
themselves to child care can face extremely negative social pressure.
Currently,fathersmakeuplessthan4percentofparentswhoworkfull-
timeinsidethehome,andmanyreportthat it can be veryisolating.
23
MyfriendPeterNoonespentseveralyearsasastay-at-homefatherand
found that while people claimed to respect his choice, he did not feel
welcomedinto the socialcircles in hisneighborhood. As a man at the
playgroundor in the not-so-tactfully-named“Mommy and Me”classes,
strangersviewedhimwithacertainamountofdistrust.Thefriendlyand
easy connections that the women made were not extended to him.
24
Timeandagain,hewasremindedthathewasoutsidethenorm.
Gender-specific expectations remain self-fulfilling. The belief that
mothers are morecommitted to family than to work penalizes women
because employers assume they won’t live up to expectations of
professionaldedication.Thereverseistrueformen,whoareexpectedto
put their careers first. We judge men primarily by their professional
successandsendthemaclearmessagethatpersonalachievementsare

insufficientforthemtobevaluedorfeelfulfilled.Thismind-setleadsto

a grown man bragging on the soccer field that he left his postpartum

wifeandnewbornatthehospitaltogokickaball.

Makinggendermattersevenworse,men’ssuccessisviewednotjustin

absoluteterms,butoftenincomparisontotheirwives’.Theimageofa

happy couple still includes a husband who is more professionally

successful than the wife. If the reverse occurs, it’s perceived as

threatening to the marriage. People frequently pull me aside to ask

sympathetically, “How is Dave? Is he okay with, you know, all your

[whispering] success?” Dave is far more self-confident than I am, and

givenhisownprofessionalsuccess,thesecommentsareeasyforhimto

brushoff.Moreandmoremenwillhavetodothesame,sincealmost30

percent of U.S. working wives now outearn their husbands.

 As that

numbercontinuestogrow,Ihopethewhisperingstops.

Dave and I can laugh off concerns about his supposedly fragile ego,

but for many women, this is no laughing matter. Women face enough

barrierstoprofessionalsuccess.Iftheyalsohavetoworrythattheywill

upsettheirhusbandsbysucceeding,howcanwehopetoliveinanequal

world?

When looking for a life partner, my advice to women is date all of

them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the

crazyboys.Butdonotmarrythem.Thethingsthatmakethebadboys

sexy do not make them good husbands. When it comes time to settle

down,findsomeonewhowantsanequalpartner.Someonewhothinks

women should be smart, opinionated, and ambitious. Someone who

valuesfairnessandexpectsor,evenbetter,wantstodohisshareinthe

home.Thesemenexistand,trustme,overtime,nothingissexier.(Ifyou

don’tbelieveme,checkoutafabulouslittlebookcalledPornforWomen.

Onepageshowsamancleaningakitchenwhileinsisting,“Iliketoget

tothesethingsbeforeIhavetobeasked.”Anothermangetsoutofbed

inthemiddleofthenight,wondering,“Isthatthebaby?I’llgether.”)

KristinaSalen,theleaderofFidelity’smediaandinternetinvestment

group,toldmethatwhenshewasdating,shewantedtoseehowmucha

boyfriend would support her career, so she devised a test. She would

breakadateatthelastminuteclaimingtherewasaprofessionalconflict

and see how the guy would react. If he understood and simply

rescheduled,shewouldgooutwithhimagain.WhenKristinawantedto

takea relationship tothe next level,she gave himanother test. While

workinginemergingmarketsinthelate1990s,shewouldinvitetheguy

tovisitherfortheweekend…inSãoPaulo.Itwasagreatwaytofind

outifhewaswillingtofithisschedulearoundhers.Thetrialspaidoff.

She found her Mr. Right and they have been happily married for

fourteenyears.Notonlyisherhusband,Daniel,completelysupportiveof

hercareer,he’salsotheprimarycaregiverfortheirtwochildren.

Evenafterfindingtherightguy—orgal—noonecomesfullyformed.I

learned from my mother to be careful about role definition in the

beginning of a relationship. Even though my mother did most of the

householdwork,myfatheralwaysvacuumedthefloorafterdinner.She

neverhadtopersuadehimtodothischore;itwassimplyhisjobfrom

dayone.Atthestartofaromance,it’stemptingforawomantoshowa

more classic “girlfriendy” side by volunteeringto cookmeals and take

care of errands. And, suddenly, we’re back in 1955. If a relationship

beginsinanunequalplace,itislikelytogetmoreunbalancedwhenand

if children are added to the equation. Instead, use the beginning of a

relationship to establish the division of labor, just as Nora Ephron’s

dialogueinWhenHarryMetSallyremindsus:

HARRY:Youtakesomeonetotheairport,it’sclearlythebeginningofthe

relationship.That’swhyIhavenevertakenanyonetotheairportat

thebeginningofarelationship.

SALLY:Why?

HARRY:Becauseeventuallythingsmoveonandyoudon’ttakesomeone

totheairportandIneverwantedanyonetosaytome,“Howcome

younevertakemetotheairportanymore?”

If you want a fifty-fifty partnership, establish that pattern at the

outset. A few years ago, Mark Zuckerberg and his partner, now wife,

Priscilla Chan, made a donation to improve the Newark, New Jersey,

public school system and needed someone to run their foundation. I

recommendedJenHolleran,whohaddeepknowledgeandexperiencein

schoolreform.She also had fourteen-month-oldtwinsandhad cut her

hours by two-thirds since their birth. Her husband, Andy, is a child

psychiatristwhowasinvolvedwithraisingthekidswhenhewashome.

ButonceJenhadreducedherworkload,sheendedupbeingresponsible
for all of the household work, including running errands, paying bills,
cooking,andscheduling.WhentheoffercamefromMarkandPriscilla,
Jenwasn’tsureshewasreadytoupsetthecurrentorderbycommitting
to a full-time job with frequent travel. I urged her to set up the
relationship dynamic she wanted sooner rather than later. Jen
remembers my suggesting, “If you want an equal partnership, you
shouldstartnow.”
JenandAndydiscussedtheopportunityanddecidedsheshouldtake
thejobbecauseoftheimpactshecouldhave.Andwhowouldpickup
the slack? Andy would. He rearranged his work so he could be home
withtheboyseachmorningandnight,andevenmorewhenJentravels.
Henowpaysallthebillsandsqueezesingroceryrunsasmuchasshe
does.Hecooksandcleansmore,knowsthedetailsoftheschedule,and
ishappytobethenumberone,in-demandparentforhalftheweek.A
yearandahalfintothisnewarrangement,Andytoldmethatheloves
histimealonewiththeirboysandtheincreasedrolethathehasintheir
lives.Jenlovesherjobandisgladthatsheandherhusbandnowhavea
moreequalmarriage.“Mytimeisnowasvaluableashis,”shetoldme.
“Asaresult,wearehappier.”
Research supports Jen’s observation that equality between partners
leads to happier relationships. When husbands do more housework,
wives are less depressed, marital conflicts decrease, and satisfaction
rises.
27
 When women work outside the home and share breadwinning
duties, couples are more likely to stay together. In fact, the risk of
divorcereducesbyabouthalfwhenawifeearnshalftheincomeanda
husband does half the housework.
28
 For men, participating in child
rearingfostersthedevelopmentofpatience,empathy,andadaptability,
characteristics that benefit all of their relationships.
29
 For women,
earning money increases their decision-making ability in the home,
protectsthemincaseofdivorce,andcanbeimportantsecurityinlater
years,aswomenoftenoutlivetheirhusbands.
30
Also—andmanymight
find this the most motivating factor—couples who share domestic
responsibilitieshavemoresex.
31
Itmaybecounterintuitive,butthebest
wayforamantomakeapassathiswifemightbetodothedishes.
Ialsofeelstronglythatwhenamotherstaysathome,hertimeduring
the day should still be considered real work—because it is. Raising

children is at least as stressful and demanding as a paying job. It is

unfairthatmothersarefrequentlyexpectedtoworklongintothenight

whilefatherswhoworkoutsidethehomegetthechancetorelaxfrom

theirdayjobs.Whenthefatherishome,heshouldtakeonhalfthechild

care and housework. Also, most employed fathers interact with other

grown-ups all day, while mothers at home are often starved for adult

conversation by evening. I know a woman who gave up a career as a

lawyer to be a stay-at-home mom and always insisted that when her

husband, a TV writer, got home from work, he asked her, “How was

yourday?”beforehelaunchedintoanaccountofhisown.

True partnership in our homes does more than just benefit couples

today;italsosetsthestageforthenextgeneration.Theworkplacehas

evolved more than the home in part because we enter it as adults, so

each generation experiences a new dynamic. But the homes we create

tend to be more rooted in our childhoods. My generation grew up

watchingourmothersdothechildcareandhouseworkwhileourfathers

earnedthewages.It’stooeasyforustogetstuckinthesepatterns.Itis

no surprise that married and cohabitating men whose mothers were

employed while they were growing up do more housework as adults

than other men.

 The sooner we break the cycle, the faster we will

reachgreaterequality.

OneofthereasonsDaveisatruepartnerisbecausehegrewupina

home where his father set an extraordinary example. Sadly, Dave’s

father, Mel, passed away before I had a chance to meet him, but he

clearlywasamanwayaheadofhistime.Mel’smotherworkedsideby

sidewithherhusbandrunningthefamily’ssmallgrocerystore,soMel

grewupacceptingwomenasequals,whichwasunusualinthosedays.

As a single man, he became interested in the women’s movement and

read Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique. He was the one who

introducedhiswife(andDave’smother),Paula,tothisfeministwake-up

call in the 1960s. He encouraged Paula to set up and lead PACER, a

nationalnonprofittohelpchildrenwithdisabilities.Alawprofessor,Mel

oftentaughtclassesatnight.Sincehewantedthefamilytohaveatleast

one meal together each day, he decided it would be breakfast and

preparedthemealhimself,completewithfresh-squeezedorangejuice.

A more equal division of labor between parents will model better

behaviorforthenextgeneration.Ihaveheardsomanywomensaythat

they wished their partners helped more with child care, but since it’s

onlyafewmoreyearsuntiltheirkidsareofftoschool,it’snotworththe

battle to change the dynamic. In my opinion, it is always worth the

battletochangeanundesirabledynamic.Ialsoworrythatthesewomen

willfacethesamedynamicwhenitcomestimetocareforagingparents.

Women provide more than twice as much care not only for their own

parents,butfortheirin-lawsaswell.

Thisisanadditionalburdenthat

needstobeshared.Andchildrenneedtoseeitbeingsharedsothattheir

generationwillfollowthatexample.

In2012,GloriaSteinemsatdowninherhomeforaninterviewwith

OprahWinfrey.Gloria reiteratedthatprogressforwomeninthehome

has trailed progress in the workplace, explaining, “Now we know that

womencandowhatmencando,butwedon’tknowthatmencando

what women can do.”

 I believe they can and we should give them

morechancestoproveit.

This revolution will happen one family at a time. The good news is

thatmeninyoungergenerationsappearmoreeagertoberealpartners

than men in previous generations. A survey that asked participants to

ratetheimportanceofvariousjobcharacteristicsfoundthatmenintheir

forties most frequently selected “work which challenges me” as very

important, while men in their twenties and thirties most frequently

selectedhavingajobwithaschedulethat“allowsmetospendtimewith

myfamily.”

If these trendshold as thisgroup ages, itcould signal a

promisingshift.

Wonderful, sensitive men of all ages are out there. And the more

women value kindness and support in their boyfriends, the more men

will demonstrate it. Kristina Salen, my friend who devised the tests to

screenherdates,toldmethathersoninsiststhatwhenhegrowsup,he

wants to take care of his children “like Daddy does.” She and her

husbandwerethrilledtohearthis.Moreboysneedthatrolemodeland

thatchoice.Asmorewomenleanintotheircareers,moremenneedto

lean in to their families. We need to encourage men to be more

ambitiousintheirhomes.

Weneedmorementositatthetable…thekitchentable.

TheMythofDoingItAll

HAVING IT ALL.” Perhaps the greatest trap ever set for women was the

coining of this phrase. Bandied about in speeches, headlines, and

articles, these three little words are intended to be aspirational but

insteadmakeallofusfeellikewehavefallenshort.Ihavenevermeta

woman, or man, who has stated emphatically, “Yes, I have it all.”

Because no matter what any of us has—and how grateful we are for

whatwehave—noonehasitall.

Norcanwe.Theveryconceptofhavingitallfliesinthefaceofthe

basiclawsofeconomicsandcommonsense.AsSharonPoczter,professor

ofeconomicsatCornell,explains,“Theantiquatedrhetoricof‘havingit

all’disregardsthebasisofeveryeconomicrelationship:theideaoftrade-

offs.Allofusaredealingwiththeconstrainedoptimizationthatislife,

attemptingtomaximizeourutilitybasedonparameterslikecareer,kids,

relationships,etc.,doingourbesttoallocatetheresourceoftime.Dueto

thescarcityofthisresource,therefore,noneofuscan‘haveitall,’and

thosewhoclaimtoaremostlikelylying.”

“Havingitall”isbestregardedasamyth.Andlikemanymyths,itcan

deliver a helpful cautionary message. Think of Icarus, who soared to

greatheightswithhisman-madewings.Hisfatherwarnedhimnottofly

toonearthesun,butIcarusignoredtheadvice.Hesoaredevenhigher,

hiswingsmelted,andhecrashedtoearth.Pursuingbothaprofessional

andpersonallifeisanobleandattainablegoal,uptoapoint.Women

shouldlearnfromIcarustoaimforthesky,butkeepinmindthatweall

havereallimits.

Insteadofponderingthequestion“Canwehaveitall?,”weshouldbe

asking the more practical question “Can we do it all?” And again, the

answer is no. Each of us makes choices constantly between work and

family,exercisingandrelaxing,makingtimeforothersandtakingtime

forourselves.Beingaparentmeansmakingadjustments,compromises,

andsacrifices every day. For most people, sacrificesand hardships are

not a choice, but a necessity. About 65 percent of married-couple

families with children in the United States have two parents in the

workforce, with almost all relying on both incomes to support their

household.

 Being a single working parent can be even more difficult.

About 30 percent of families with children are led by a single parent,

with85percentofthoseledbyawoman.

Motherswhoworkoutsidethehomeareconstantlyremindedofthese

challenges.TinaFeynotedthatwhenshewaspromotingthemovieDate

Night with Steve Carell, a father of two and star of his own sitcom,

reporterswouldgrillFeyonhowshebalancesherlife,butneverposed

thatquestiontohermalecostar.AsshewroteinBossypants,“Whatisthe

rudestquestionyoucanaskawoman?‘Howoldareyou?’‘Whatdoyou

weigh?’‘WhenyouandyourtwinsisterarealonewithMr.Hefner,do

youhavetopretendtobelesbians?’No,theworstquestionis‘Howdo

youjuggleitall?’…Peopleconstantlyaskme,withanaccusatorylook

intheireyes.‘You’refuckingitallup,aren’tyou?’theireyessay.”

Feynailsit.Employedmothersandfathersbothstrugglewithmultiple

responsibilities,butmothersalsohavetoenduretherudequestionsand

accusatorylooksthatremindusthatwe’reshortchangingbothourjobs

and our children. As if we needed reminding. Like me, most of the

womenIknowdoagreatjobworryingthatwedon’tmeasureup.We

compareoureffortsatworktothoseofourcolleagues,usuallymen,who

typicallyhavefarfewerresponsibilitiesathome.Thenwecompareour

efforts at home to those of mothers who dedicate themselves solely to

their families. Outside observers reminding us that we must be

struggling—andfailing—isjustbittericingonanalreadysoggycake.

Tryingtodoitallandexpectingthatitallcanbedoneexactlyrightis

arecipefordisappointment.Perfectionistheenemy.GloriaSteinemsaid

it best: “You can’t do it all. No one can have two full-time jobs, have

perfect children and cook three meals and be multi-orgasmic ’til

dawn…Superwomanistheadversaryofthewomen’smovement.”

Dr.LaurieGlimcher,deanofWeillCornellMedicalCollege,said the

key for her in pursuing her career while raising children was learning

wheretofocusherattention.“Ihadtodecidewhatmatteredandwhat

didn’t and I learned to be a perfectionist in only the things that

mattered.” In her case, she concluded that scientific data had to be

perfect, but reviews and other mundane administrative tasks could be

consideredgoodenoughat95percent.Dr.Glimcheralsosaidshemade

itaprioritytogethomeatareasonablehour,addingthatwhenshegot

there,sherefusedtoworryaboutwhether“thelinenswerefoldedorthe

closets were tidy. You can’t be obsessive about these things that don’t

matter.”

AfewyearsbeforeIbecameamother,Ispokeonawomen’spanelfor

a local business group in Palo Alto. One of the other panelists, an

executivewithtwochildren,wasaskedthe(inevitable)questionabout

howshebalancesherworkandherchildren.Shestartedherresponseby

saying, “I probably shouldn’t admit this publicly …,” and then she

confessed that she put her children to sleep in their school clothes to

savefifteenpreciousminuteseverymorning.Atthetime,Ithoughtto

myself,Yup,sheshouldnothaveadmittedthatpublicly.

NowthatI’maparent,Ithinkthiswomanwasagenius.Weallface

limitsoftimeandpatience.Ihavenotyetputmychildrentosleepin

their school clothes, but there are mornings when I wish I had. I also

know that all the planning in the world cannot prepare us for the

constant challenges of parenting. In hindsight, I appreciate my fellow

panelist’scandor.Andinthespiritofthatcandor,Iprobablyshouldn’t

admitthispubliclyeither…

Lastyear,Iwastravelingwithmychildrentoabusinessconference.

SeveralotherSiliconValleyfolkswereattendingtoo,andJohnDonahoe,

theCEOofeBay,kindlyofferedusarideontheeBayplane.Whenthe

flightwasdelayedforseveralhours,mymainconcernwaskeepingmy

kids occupied so they would not disturb the other adult passengers. I

madeitthroughthedelaybyallowingthemtowatchendlessTVandeat

endless snacks. Then just as the flight finally took off, my daughter

startedscratchingherhead.“Mommy!Myheaditches!”sheannounced

loudly,speakingovertheheadsetshewaswearing(asshewatchedeven

moreTV).Ididn’tthinkanythingofituntilheritchinggrewfranticand

her complaints grew louder. I urged her to lower her voice, then

examined her head and noticed small white things. I was pretty sure I

knewwhattheywere.Iwastheonlypersonbringingyoungchildrenon

thiscorporateplane—andnowmydaughtermostlikelyhadlice!Ispent

therestoftheflightinacompletepanic,tryingtokeepherisolated,her

voicedown,andherhandsoutofherhair,whileIfuriouslyscannedthe

webforpicturesoflice.Whenwelanded,everyonepiledintorentalcars

tocaravantotheconferencehotel,butItoldthemtogoaheadwithout

me; I just needed to “pick something up.” I dashed to the nearest

pharmacy, where they confirmed my diagnosis. Fortunately, we had

avoideddirectcontactwith anyone elseontheplane,sotherewasno

way for the lice to have spread, which saved me from the fatal

embarrassmentofhavingtotellthegrouptochecktheirownheads.We

grabbedtheshampoothatIneededtotreatherand,asitturnedout,her

brother—and spent the night in a marathon hair-washing session. I

missedtheopeningnightdinner,and when asked why, Isaidmykids

weretired.Frankly,Iwastoo.AndeventhoughImanagedtoescapethe

lice,Icouldnotstopscratchingmyheadforseveraldays.

Itisimpossibletocontrolallthevariableswhenitcomestoparenting.

Forwomenwhohaveachievedprevioussuccessbyplanningaheadand

pushing themselves hard, this chaos can be difficult to accept.

Psychologist Jennifer Stuart studied a group of Yale graduates and

concluded that for such women, “the effort to combine career and

motherhood may be particularly fraught. The stakes are high, as they

may expect nothing less than perfection, both at home and in the

workplace. When they fall short of lofty ideals, they may retreat

altogether—fromworkplacetohomeorviceversa.”

Another one of my favorite posters at Facebook declares in big red

letters,“Doneisbetterthanperfect.”Ihavetriedtoembracethismotto

and let go of unattainable standards. Aiming for perfection causes

frustration at best and paralysis at worst. I agree completely with the

advice offered by Nora Ephron in her 1996 Wellesley commencement

speechwhensheaddressedtheissueofwomenhavingbothacareerand

family.Ephroninsisted,“Itwillbealittlemessy,butembracethemess.

It will be complicated, but rejoice in the complications. It will not be

anythinglikewhatyouthinkitwillbelike,butsurprisesaregoodfor

you.Anddon’tbefrightened:youcanalwayschangeyourmind.Iknow:

I’vehadfourcareersandthreehusbands.”

IwasextremelyfortunatethatearlyinmycareerIwaswarnedabout

the perils of trying to do it all by someone I deeply admired. Larry

KanarekmanagedtheWashington,D.C.,officeofMcKinsey&Company

whereIinternedin1994.Oneday,Larrygatheredeveryonetogetherfor

a talk. He explained that since he was running the office, employees

came to him when they wanted to quit. Over time, he noticed that

peoplequitforonereasononly:theywereburntout,tiredofworking

longhoursandtraveling.Larrysaidhecouldunderstandthecomplaint,

but what he could not understand was that all the peoplewho quit—

everysingleone—hadunusedvacationtime.Upuntilthedaytheyleft,

theydideverythingMcKinseyaskedofthembeforedecidingthatitwas

toomuch.

Larry implored us to exert more control over our careers. He said

McKinseywouldneverstopmakingdemandsonourtime,soitwasup

toustodecidewhatwewerewillingtodo.Itwasourresponsibilityto

drawtheline.Weneededtodeterminehowmanyhourswewerewilling

toworkinadayandhowmanynightswewerewillingtotravel.Iflater

on,thejobdidnotworkout,wewouldknowthatwehadtriedonour

ownterms.Counterintuitively,long-termsuccessatworkoftendepends

onnottryingtomeeteverydemandplacedonus.Thebestwaytomake

room for both life and career is to make choices deliberately—to set

limitsandsticktothem.

DuringmyfirstfouryearsatGoogle,Iwasintheofficefrom7:00a.m.

to7:00p.m.everydayataminimum.Irantheglobaloperatingteams

and thought it was critical that I stay on top of as many details as

possible. No one ever demanded that I work this schedule; typical of

SiliconValley,Googlewasnotthetypeofplacetosethoursforanyone.

Still,thecultureinthoseearlydayspromotedworkingaroundtheclock.

Whenmysonarrived,Iwantedto take the three monthsofmaternity

leaveGoogleoffered,butIworriedthatmyjobwouldnotbetherewhen

Ireturned.Eventsleadinguptohisbirthdidnotputmymindatease.

Googlewasgrowingquicklyandreorganizingfrequently.Myteamwas

oneofthelargestinthecompany,andcoworkersoftensuggestedways

to restructure, which usually meant that they would do more and I

would do less. In the months before my leave, several colleagues, all

men,rampeduptheseefforts,volunteeringto“helprunthings”whileI

was gone. Some of them even mentioned to my boss that I might not

return,soitmadesensetostartsharingmyresponsibilitiesimmediately.

ItriedtotakeLarryKanarek’sadviceanddrawmyownline.Idecided

that I wanted to focus entirely on my new role as a mother. I was

determined to truly unplug. I even made this decision public—a trick

that can help a commitment stick by creating greater accountability. I

announcedthatIwasgoingtotakethefullthreemonthsoff.

No one believed me. A group of my colleagues bet on how long I

would be off e-mail after giving birth, with not a single person taking

“morethanoneweek”ashisorherwager.Iwouldhavebeenoffended,

excepttheyknew me better than Iknew myself. I was backone-mail

frommyhospitalroomthedayaftergivingbirth.

Over the next three months, I was unable to unplug much at all. I

checked e-mail constantly. I organized meetings in my living room,

during which I sometimes breast-fed and probably freaked several

peopleout.(Itriedtosetthesegatheringsfortimeswhenmysonwould

besleeping,butbabiesmaketheirownschedules.)Iwentintotheoffice

forkeymeetings,babyintow.AndwhileIhadsomenicemomentswith

myson,Ilookbackonthatmaternityleaveasaprettyunhappytime.

Beinganewmotherwasexhausting,andwhenmysonslept,Iworked

insteadofrested.AndtheonlythingworsethaneveryoneknowingthatI

wasnotstickingtomyoriginalcommitmentwasthatIknewittoo.Iwas

lettingmyselfdown.

Three months later, my non-leave maternity leave ended. I was

returningtoajobIloved,butasIpulledthecaroutofthedrivewayto

headtotheofficeformyfirstfulldayback,Ifeltatightnessinmychest

and tears started to flow down my cheeks. Even though I had worked

throughoutmy“timeoff,”Ihaddonesoalmostentirelyfromhomewith

my son right next to me. Going back to the office meant a dramatic

change in the amount of time I would see him. If I returned to my

typicaltwelve-hourdays,Iwouldleavethehousebeforehewokeupand

returnafterhewasasleep.Inordertospendanytimewithhimatall,I

wasgoingtohavetomakechanges…andsticktothem.

Istartedarrivingatworkaround9:00a.m.andleavingat5:30p.m.

ThisscheduleallowedmetonursemysonbeforeIleftandgethomein

time to nurse again before putting him to sleep. I was scared that I

wouldlosecredibility,orevenmyentirejob,ifanyoneknewthatthese

weremynew in-the-office hours. Tocompensate,I started checking e-

mailsaround5:00a.m.Yup,Iwasawakebeforemynewborn.Thenonce

hewasdownatnight,Iwouldjumpbackonmycomputerandcontinue

myworkday.Iwenttogreatlengthstohidemynewschedulefrommost

people.Camille,myingeniousexecutiveassistant,cameupwiththeidea

of holding my first and last meetings of the day in other buildings to

makeitlesstransparentwhenIwasactuallyarrivingordeparting.When

I did leave directly from my office, I would pause in the lobby and

surveytheparkinglottofindacolleague-freemomenttobolttomycar.

(Givenmyawkwardness,weshouldallberelievedthatIonceworked

fortheTreasuryDepartmentandnottheCIA.)

Lookingback,Irealizethatmyconcernovermynewhoursstemmed

from my own insecurity. Google was hard charging and

hypercompetitive,butitalsosupportedcombiningworkandparenthood

—anattitudethatclearlystartedatthe top. Larry andSergeycameto

mybabyshowerandeachgavemeacertificatethatentitledmetoone

hour of babysitting. (I never used the certificates, and if I could find

them,IbetIcouldauctionthemoffforcharity,likelunchwithWarren

Buffett.) Susan Wojcicki, who blazed a trail by having four children

while being one of Google’s earliest and most valuable employees,

broughtherchildrentotheofficewhenherbabysitterwassick.Bothmy

boss,Omid,andDavidFischer,themostseniorleaderonmyteam,were

steadfastsupportersanddidnotallowothers to take over parts ofmy

job.

Slowly,itbegantodawnonmethatmyjobdidnotreallyrequirethat

I spend twelve full hours a day in the office. I became much more

efficient—morevigilantaboutonlyattendingorsettingupmeetingsthat

were truly necessary, more determined to maximize my output during

every minute I spent away from home. I also started paying more

attentiontotheworkinghoursofthosearoundme;cuttingunnecessary

meetings saved time for them as well. I tried to focus on what really

mattered. Long before I saw the poster, I began to adopt the mantra

“Doneisbetterthanperfect.”Done,whilestillachallenge,turnsoutto

befarmoreachievableandoftenarelief.BythetimeItookmysecond

maternityleave, I not only unplugged (mostly), but really enjoyed the

timewithbothmychildren.

My sister-in-law, Amy, a doctor, experienced almost the exact same

evolutioninattitude.“WhenIhadmyfirstchild,Iworkedtwelve-hour

days while trying to pump at work,” she told me. “I wanted to feel

connectedtomybabyinthelimitedhoursthatIwashome,soImade

myself her sole caregiver many nights. I believed that others were

demanding this of me—my bosses at work and my daughter at home.

Butintruth,Iwastorturingmyself.”Withthebirthofhersecondchild,

Amy adjusted her behavior. “I took three months off and handled my

returntoworkinmyownway,onmyownterms.AnddespitewhatI

had previously feared, my reputation and productivity weren’t hurt a

bit.”

I deeply understandthe fear of appearing to be putting our families

aboveourcareers.Mothersdon’twanttobeperceivedaslessdedicated

to their jobs than men or women without family responsibilities. We

overworktoovercompensate.Eveninworkplacesthatofferreducedor

flextime arrangements, people fear that reducing their hours will

jeopardize their career prospects.

 And this is not just a perception

problem. Employees who make use of flexible work policies are often

penalized and seen as less committed than their peers.

 And those

penaltiescanbegreaterformothersinprofessionaljobs.

Thisallneeds

to change, especially since new evidence suggests working from home

mightactuallybemoreproductiveincertaincases.

Itisdifficulttodistinguishbetweentheaspectsofajobthataretruly

necessaryandthosethatarenot.Sometimesthesituationishardtoread

andthelinesarehardtodraw.Amytoldmeaboutaconferencedinner

sheattendedwithagroupoffellowphysicians,includingonewhohad

givenbirthtoherfirstchildseveralweeksearlier.Abouttwohoursinto

themeal,thenewmomwaslookinguncomfortable,glancingrepeatedly

at her cell phone. As a mother herself, Amy was sensitive to the

situation. “Do you need to leave and pump?” she whispered to her

colleague.Thenewmomsheepishlyadmittedthatshehadbroughther

baby and her mother to the conference. She was looking at her cell

phonebecauseher motherwastextingherthatthebabyneededtobe

fed.Amyencouragedthenewmomtoleaveimmediately.Oncesheleft,

theyoungmother’s mentor, an oldermalephysician, admitted that he

hadnoideathatshehadbroughtherbaby.Ifhehadknown,hewould

have encouraged her to leave earlier. She was torturing herself

unnecessarily. This is one instance where I would have recommended

nottositatthetable.

Technologyisalsochangingtheemphasisonstrictofficehourssince

so much work can be conducted online. While few companies can

provideasmuchflexibilityasGoogleandFacebook,otherindustriesare

startingtomovein a similardirection.Still,thetraditionalpracticeof

judging employees by face time rather than results unfortunately
persists.Becauseofthis,manyemployeesfocusonhoursclockedinthe
office rather than on achieving their goals as efficiently as possible. A
shift to focusing more on results would benefit individuals and make
companiesmoreefficientandcompetitive.
13
In his latest book, General Colin Powell explains that his vision of
leadership rejects “busy bastards” who put in long hours at the office
withoutrealizing the impact theyhave on their staff.He explains that
“in every senior job I’ve had I’ve tried to create an environment of
professionalismandtheveryhighest standards.Whenitwasnecessary
togetajobdone,Iexpectedmysubordinatestoworkaroundtheclock.
Whenthatwasnotnecessary,Iwantedthemtoworknormalhours,go
homeatadecenttime,playwiththekids,enjoyfamilyandfriends,read
anovel,cleartheirheads,daydream,andrefreshthemselves.Iwanted
themtohavealifeoutsidetheoffice.Iampayingthemforthequalityof
theirwork,notforthehourstheywork.Thatkindofenvironmenthas
alwaysproducedthebestresultsforme.”
14
Itisstillfartooraretowork
forsomeoneaswiseasGeneralPowell.
A related issue that affects many Americans is the extension of
workinghours.
15
In2009,marriedmiddle-incomeparentsworkedabout
eight and a half hours more per week than in 1979.
16
 This trend has
been particularly pronounced among professionals and managers,
especiallymen.
17
Asurveyofhigh-earningprofessionalsinthecorporate
worldfoundthat62percentworkmorethanfiftyhoursaweekand10
percent work more than eighty hours per week.
18
 Technology, while
liberating us at times from the physical office, has also extended the
workday.A2012surveyofemployedadultsshowedthat80percentof
the respondents continued to work after leaving the office, 38 percent
checked e-mail at the dinner table, and 69 percent can’t go to bed
withoutcheckingtheirin-box.
19
Mymotherbelievesthatmygenerationissufferinggreatlyfromthis
endlessworkschedule.Duringherchildhoodandmine,afull-timejob
meant forty hours a week—Monday through Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 5:00
p.m.Shetellsmeoverandover,“There’stoomuchpressureonyouand
yourpeers.It’snotcompatiblewithanormallife.”Butthisisthenew
normalformanyofus.
The new normal means that there are just not enough hours in the

day.Foryears,Iattemptedtosolvethisproblembyskimpingonsleep,a

common but often counterproductive approach. I realized my mistake

partiallyfromobservingmychildrenandseeinghowahappychildcan

melt into a puddle of tears when he’s shy a couple hours of sleep. It

turnsoutthatadultsaren’tmuchdifferent.Sleepingfourorfivehoursa

night induces mental impairment equivalent to a blood alcohol level

abovethelegaldrivinglimit.

Sleepdeprivationmakespeopleanxious,

irritable,andconfused.(JustaskDave.)IfIcouldgobackandchange

onethingabouthowIlivedinthoseearlyyears,Iwouldforcemyselfto

getmoresleep.

It’snotonlyworkingparentswhoarelooking formorehoursinthe

day; people without children are also overworked, maybe to an even

greaterextent. When I was in businessschool, I attended aWomen in

Consultingpanelwiththreespeakers:twomarriedwomenwithchildren

andonesinglewomanwithoutchildren.Afterthemarriedwomenspoke

about how hard it was to balance their lives, the single woman

interjectedthatshewastiredofpeoplenottakingherneedtohavealife

seriously.Shefeltthathercolleagueswerealwaysrushingofftobewith

their families, leaving her to pick up the slack. She argued, “My

coworkersshouldunderstandthatIneedtogotoapartytonight—and

thisisjustaslegitimateastheirkids’soccergame—becausegoingtoa

partyistheonlywayImightactuallymeetsomeoneandstartafamily

soIcanhaveasoccergametogotooneday!”Ioftenquotethisstoryto

makesuresingleemployeesknowthatthey,too,haveeveryrighttoa

fulllife.

Myownconcernsaboutcombiningmycareerandfamilyrosetothe

forefrontagainwhenIwasconsideringleavingGoogle for Facebook. I

hadbeen at Google for sixand a half years and had strong leaders in

place for each of my teams. By then, Google had more than 20,000

employeesandbusinessproceduresthatransmoothlyandallowedmeto

makeithomefordinnerwithmychildrenalmosteverynight.Facebook,

on the other hand, had only 550 employees and was much more of a

start-up.Latenightmeetingsandall-nighthackathonswereanaccepted

partoftheculture.Iworriedthattakinganewjobmightunderminethe

balanceIhadworkedhardtoachieve.IthelpedthatDavewasworking

as an entrepreneur-in-residence at a venture capital firm, so he had

almostcompletecontrolof his schedule.Heassuredmethathewould

takeonmoreathometomakethisworkforourfamily.

MyfirstsixmonthsatFacebookwerereallyhard.IknowI’msupposed

to say “challenging,” but “really hard” is more like it. A lot of the

companyfollowedMark’sleadandworkednight-owlengineeringhours.

Iwouldscheduleameetingwithsomeonefor9:00a.m.andtheperson

would not show up, assuming that I meant 9:00 p.m. I needed to be

around when others were and I worried that leaving too early would

makemestandoutlikeasore—andold—thumb.Imisseddinnerafter

dinner with my kids. Dave told me that he was home with them and

theywerefine.ButIwasnot.

IthoughtaboutLarryKanarek’sspeechbackatMcKinseyandrealized

that if I didn’t take control of the situation, my new job would prove

unsustainable.Iwouldresentnotseeingmyfamilyandruntheriskof

becomingthe employee who quit with unused vacation time. I started

forcingmyselftoleavetheofficeatfivethirty.Everycompetitive,type-A

fiberofmybeingwasscreamingatmetostay,butunlessIhadacritical

meeting,Iwalkedoutthatdoor.AndonceIdidit,IlearnedthatIcould.

I am not claiming, nor have I ever claimed, that I work a forty-hour

week. Facebook is available around the world 24/7, and for the most

part,soamI.ThedayswhenIeventhinkofunpluggingforaweekend

or vacation are long gone. And unlike my job at Google, which was

basedalmostexclusivelyinCalifornia,myFacebookrolerequiresalotof

travel.Asaresult,Ihavebecomeevenmorevigilantaboutleavingthe

officetohavedinnerwithmychildrenwhenI’mnotontheroad.

Istillstrugglewiththetrade-offsbetweenworkandhomeonadaily

basis.EverywomanIknowdoes,andIknowthat I’mfarluckierthan

most.Ihaveremarkableresources—ahusbandwhoisarealpartner,the

abilitytohiregreatpeopletoassistmebothintheofficeandathome,

and a good measure of control over my schedule. I also have a

wonderfulsisterwholivesclosebyandisalwayswillingtotakecareof

hernieceandnephew,occasionallyatamoment’snotice.She’sevena

pediatrician,somykidsarenotjustinlovinghands,they’reinmedically

trained hands. (Not all people are close to their family, either

geographicallyoremotionally.Fortunately,friendscanbeleanedonto

providethistypeofsupportforeachother.)

Ifthereisanewnormalfortheworkplace,thereisanewnormalfor

thehometoo.Justasexpectationsforhowmanyhourspeoplewillwork

have risen dramatically, so have expectations for how many hours

mothers will spend focused on their children. In 1975, stay-at-home

mothers spent an average of about eleven hours per week on primary

child care (defined as routine caregiving and activities that foster a

child’s well-being, such as reading and fully focused play). Mothers

employed outside the home in 1975 spent six hours doing these

activities.Today,stay-at-homemothersspendaboutseventeenhoursper

week on primary child care, on average, while mothers who work

outside the home spend about eleven hours. This means that an

employed mother today spends about the same amount of time on

primarychildcareactivitiesasanonemployedmotherdidin1975.

Mymemoryofbeingakidisthatmymotherwasavailablebutrarely

hovering or directing my activities. My siblings and I did not have

organized playdates. We rode our bikes around the neighborhood

without adult supervision. Our parents might have checked on our

homework once in a while, but they rarely sat with us while we

completed it. Today, a “good mother” is always around and always

devotedtotheneedsofherchildren.Sociologistscallthisrelativelynew

phenomenon “intensive mothering,” and it has culturally elevated the

importance of women spending large amounts of time with their

children.

 Being judged against the current all-consuming standard

meansmotherswhoworkoutsidethehomefeelasifwearefailing,even

if we are spending the same number of hours with our kids as our

mothersdid.

When I drop my kids off at school and see the mothers who are

stayingtovolunteer,IworrythatmychildrenareworseoffbecauseI’m

notwiththemfull-time.Thisiswheremytrustinharddataandresearch

has helped me the most. Study after study suggests that the pressure

societyplacesonwomentostayhomeanddo“what’sbestforthechild”

isbasedonemotion,notevidence.

In1991,theEarlyChildCareResearchNetwork,undertheauspicesof

theNationalInstituteofChildHealthandHumanDevelopment,initiated

themostambitiousandcomprehensivestudytodateontherelationship

between child care and child development, and in particular on the

effect of exclusive maternal care versus child care. The Research

Network,whichcomprisedmorethanthirtychilddevelopmentexperts

from leading universities across the country, spent eighteen months

designingthestudy.Theytrackedmorethanonethousandchildrenover
thecourseoffifteenyears,repeatedlyassessingthechildren’scognitive
skills, language abilities, and social behaviors. Dozens of papers have
been published about what they found.
23
 In 2006, the researchers
released a report summarizing their findings, which concluded that
“children who were cared for exclusively by their mothers did not
develop differently than those who were also cared for by others.”
24
They found no gap in cognitive skills, language competence, social
competence,abilitytobuildandmaintainrelationships,orinthequality
of the mother-child bond.
25
 Parental behavioral factors—including
fathers who are responsive and positive, mothers who favor “self-
directedchild behavior,” andparents with emotional intimacy intheir
marriages—influence a child’s development two to three times more
than any form of child care.
26
 One of the findings is worth reading
slowly,maybeeventwice:“Exclusivematernalcarewasnotrelatedto
better or worse outcomes for children. There is, thus, no reason for
motherstofeelasthoughtheyareharmingtheirchildreniftheydecide
towork.”
27
Childrenabsolutelyneedparentalinvolvement,love,care,time,and
attention. But parents who work outside the home are still capable of
giving their children a loving and secure childhood. Some data even
suggest that having two parents working outside the home can be
advantageoustoachild’sdevelopment,particularlyforgirls.
28
AlthoughIknowthedataandunderstandintellectuallythatmycareer
is not harming my children, there are times when I still feel anxious
aboutmychoices.Afriendofminefeltthesameway,soshediscussedit
withhertherapistand,later,sharedthisinsight:“Mytherapisttoldme
thatwhenIwasworryingabouthowmuchIwasleavingmygirls,that
separation anxiety is actually more about the mom than the kids. We
talkaboutitasthoughitisaproblemforchildren,butactuallyitcanbe
moreofanissueforthemom.”
I always want to do more for my children. Because of work
obligations, I’ve missed doctor’s appointments and parent-teacher
conferencesand have had to travel when my kids were sick.I haven’t
missed a dance recital yet, but it probably will happen. I have also
missedalevelofdetailabouttheirlives.Ionceaskedamotheratour
schoolifsheknewanyoftheotherkidsinthefirst-gradeclass,hoping

for a familiar name or two. She spent twenty minutes reciting from

memorythenameofeverychild,detailingtheirparents,siblings,which

class they had been in the year before, and their interests. How could

shepossiblyknowallthis?WasIabadmotherfornotknowinganyof

this?Andwhyshoulditevenbotherme?

Iknewtheanswertothatlastquestion.Itbotheredmebecauselike

most people who have choices, I am not completely comfortable with

mine. Later that same year, I dropped my son off at school on St.

Patrick’sDay.AshegotoutofthecarwearinghisfavoriteblueT-shirt,

the same mother pointed out, “He’s supposed to be wearing green

today.”Isimultaneouslythought,Oh,whothehellcanrememberthatit’s

St.Patrick’sDay?andI’mabadmom.

Guiltmanagementcanbejustasimportantastimemanagementfor

mothers.WhenIwentbacktomyjobaftergivingbirth,otherworking

motherstoldmetopreparefortheday that my son would cry for his

nanny. Sure enough, when he was about eleven months old, he was

crawlingonthefloorofhisroomandputhiskneedownonatoy.He

lookedupforhelp,crying,andreachedforherinsteadofme.Itpierced

my heart, but Dave thought it was a good sign. He reasoned that we

werethecentralfiguresinourson’slife,butforminganattachmenttoa

caregiver was good for his development. I understood his logic,

especiallyinretrospect,butatthetime,ithurtlikehell.

Tothisday,IcountthehoursawayfrommykidsandfeelsadwhenI

missadinneroranightwiththem.DidIhavetotakethistrip?Wasthis

speech really critical for Facebook? Was this meeting truly necessary?

Farfromworryingaboutnightshemisses,Davethinksweareheroesfor

gettinghomefordinnerasoftenaswedo.Ourdifferentviewpointsseem

inextricably gender based. Compared to his peers, Dave is an

exceptionallydevoteddad.Comparedtomanyofmypeers,Ispendalot

more time away from my children. A study that conducted in-depth

interviews with mothers and fathers in dual-earner families uncovered

similarreactions.Themotherswereriddledwithguiltaboutwhattheir

jobs were doing to their families. The fathers were not.

 As Marie

Wilson, founder of the White House Project, has noted, “Show me a

womanwithoutguiltandI’llshowyouaman.”

IknowthatIcaneasilyspendtimefocusingonwhatI’mnotdoing;

like many, I excel at self-flagellation. And even with my vast support

system,therearetimes when I feel pulled intoomanydirections.But

whenIdwelllessontheconflictsandcompromises,andmoreonbeing

fullyengagedwiththetaskathand,thecenterholdsandIfeelcontent.I

lovemyjobandthebrilliantandfascinatingpeopleIworkwith.Ialso

lovemytimewithmykids.AgreatdayiswhenIrushhomefromthe

crazinessoftheofficetohavedinnerwithmyfamilyandthensitinthe

rockingchairinthecornerofmydaughter’sroomwithbothofmykids

on my lap. We rock and readtogether, just a quiet (okay,not always

quiet),joyfulmomentattheendoftheirday.Theydriftofftosleepand

Idrift(okay,run)backtomylaptop.

It’salsofunwhenmytwoworldscollide.Foraperiodoftime,Mark

hostedMonday-nightstrategysessionsathishouse.BecauseIwouldn’t

bemakingithomefordinner,mykidscameintotheoffice.Facebookis

incredibly family friendly, and my children were in heaven, entranced

bypizza,endlesscandy,andthe huge pile of Legosthattheengineers

kindlysharewithyoungvisitors.Itmademehappythatmykidsgotto

know my colleagues and my colleagues got to know them. Mark had

beenteachingmysonhowtofence,sotheywouldsometimespractice

withpretendfoils,whichwasadorable.Markalsotaughtbothmykids

variousofficepranks,whichwasslightlylessadorable.

Iwouldneverclaimtobeabletofindserenityortotalfocusinevery

moment.Iamsofarfromthat.ButwhenIrememberthatnoonecando

itallandidentifymyrealprioritiesathomeandatwork,Ifeelbetter,

andIammoreproductiveintheofficeandprobablyabettermotheras

well. Stanford professor Jennifer Aaker’s work shows that setting

obtainablegoalsiskeytohappiness.

Insteadofperfection,weshould

aimforsustainableandfulfilling.Therightquestionisnot“CanIdoit

all?”but“CanIdowhat’smostimportantformeandmyfamily?”The

aimistohavechildrenwhoarehappyandthriving.WearinggreenT-

shirtsonSt.Patrick’sDayispurelyoptional.

IfIhadtoembraceadefinitionofsuccess,itwouldbethatsuccessis

makingthebestchoiceswecan…andacceptingthem.JournalistMary

CurtissuggestedinTheWashingtonPostthatthebestadviceanyonecan

offer“isforwomenandmentodroptheguilttrip,evenastheminutes

tickaway.Thesecretisthereisnosecret—justdoingthebestyoucan

withwhatyou’vegot.”

In December 2010, I was standing with Pat Mitchell, waiting to go

onstagetogivemyTEDTalk.Thedaybefore,Ihaddroppedmydaughter

offatpreschoolandtoldherIwasflyingtotheEastCoastsoIwouldn’t

seeherthatnight.Sheclungtomylegandbeggedme not to leave. I

couldn’tshakethatimageand,atthelastminute,askedPatifIshould

addittomyspeech.“Absolutelytellthatstory,”saidPat.“Otherwomen

gothroughthis,andyou’llhelpthembybeinghonestthatthisishard

foryoutoo.”

Itookadeepbreathandsteppedonstage.Itriedtobeauthenticand

sharedmytruth. I announced to theroom—and basically everyone on

theinternet—thatIfallveryshortofdoingitall.AndPatwasright.It

felt really good not just to admit this to myself, but to share it with

others.

Let’sStartTalkingAboutIt

SOMETIMES I WONDERwhatitwouldbeliketogothroughlifewithoutbeing

labeledbymygender.Idon’twakeupthinking,WhatamIgoingtodo

todayasFacebook’sfemaleCOO?,butthat’softenhowI’mreferredtoby

others.Whenpeopletalkaboutafemalepilot,afemaleengineer,ora

femaleracecardriver,theword“female”impliesabitofsurprise.Men

intheprofessionalworldarerarelyseenthroughthissamegenderlens.

A Google search for “Facebook’s male CEO” returns this message: “No

resultsfound.”

AsGloriaSteinemobserved,“Whoeverhaspowertakesoverthenoun

—and the norm—while the less powerful get an adjective.”

 Since no

one wants to be perceived as less powerful, a lot of women reject the

gender identification and insist, “I don’t see myself as a woman; I see

myself as a novelist/athlete/professional/fill-in-the-blank.” They are

right to do so. No one wants her achievements modified. We all just

wanttobethenoun.Yettheworldhasawayofremindingwomenthat

theyarewomen,andgirlsthattheyaregirls.

Inbetweenmyjuniorandsenioryearsofhighschool,Iworkedasa

page in Washington, D.C., for my hometown congressman, William

Lehman. The Speaker of the House at the time was the legendary

Massachusetts representative Tip O’Neill, and Congressman Lehman

promisedtointroducemetohimbeforethesummerended.Butasthe

daystickedby,itdidn’thappen.Anditdidn’thappen.Then,onthevery

lastdayofthesession,hemadegoodonhispromise.Inthehalloutside

the House floor, he pulled me over to meet Speaker O’Neill. I was

nervous,butCongressmanLehmanputmeateasebyintroducingmein

thenicestwaypossible,tellingtheSpeakerthatIhadworkedhardall

summer. The Speaker looked at me, then reached over and patted my

head.Heturnedtothecongressmanandremarked,“She’spretty.”Then

heturnedhisattentionbacktomeandaskedjustonequestion:“Areyou

apom-pomgirl?”

Iwascrushed.Lookingback,Iknowhiswordswereintendedtoflatter

me,butinthemoment,Ifeltbelittled.Iwantedtoberecognizedforthe

work I had done. I reacted defensively. “No,” I replied. “I study too

muchforthat.”Thenawaveofterrorstruckmeforspeakinguptothe

man who was third in line for the presidency. But no one seemed to

meonthehead—again!—andmovedalong.Mycongressmanbeamed.

Evento my teenage self,this sexism seemed retro.The Speaker was

bornin1912,eightyearsbeforewomenweregiventherighttovote,but

by the time I met him in the halls of Congress, society had (mostly)

evolved.Itwasobviousthat a woman could do anything amancould

do.Mychildhoodwasfilledwithfirsts—GoldaMeirinIsrael,Geraldine

Ferraro on the Mondale ticket, Sandra Day O’Connor on the Supreme

Court,SallyRideinspace.

Given all these strides, I headed into college believing that the

feminists of the sixties and seventies had done the hard work of

achievingequalityformygeneration.Andyet,ifanyonehadcalledmea

feminist, I would have quickly corrected that notion. This reaction is

prevalent even today according to sociologist Marianne Cooper (who

alsocontributedherextraordinaryresearchassistancetothisbook).In

her 2011 article, “The New F-Word,” Marianne wrote about college

EnglishprofessorMicheleElam,whoobservedsomethingstrangeinher

IntroductiontoFeministStudiescourse.Eventhoughherstudentswere

interested enough in gender equality to take an entire class on the

subject, very few “felt comfortable using the word ‘feminism.’ ” And

even “fewer identified themselves as feminists.” As Professor Elam

noted,itwasasif“beingcalledafeministwastosuspectthatsomefoul

epithethadbeenhurledyourway.”

Itsoundslikeajoke:Didyouheartheoneaboutthewomantakinga

feminist studies class who got angry when someone called her a

feminist?ButwhenIwasincollege,Iembracedthesamecontradiction.

Ononehand,Istartedagrouptoencouragemorewomentomajorin

economics and government. On the other hand, I would have denied

beinginanyway,shape,orformafeminist.Noneofmycollegefriends

thoughtofthemselvesasfeministseither.Itsaddensmetoadmitthatwe

did not see the backlash against women around us.

 We accepted the

negative caricature of a bra-burning, humorless, man-hating feminist.

Shewasnotsomeonewewantedtoemulate,inpartbecauseitseemed

likeshecouldn’tgetadate.Horrible,Iknow—thesadironyofrejecting

feminismtogetmaleattentionandapproval.Inourdefense,myfriends

and I truly, if naïvely, believed that the world did not need feminists

anymore.Wemistakenlythoughtthattherewasnothinglefttofightfor.

IcarriedthisattitudewithmewhenIenteredtheworkforce.Ifigured

ifsexism still existed, Iwouldjust prove it wrong.I would do myjob

and do it well. What I didn’t know at the time was that ignoring the

issue is a classic survival technique. Within traditional institutions,

successhasoftenbeencontingentuponawomannotspeakingoutbut

fittingin,ormorecolloquially,being“oneoftheguys.”Thefirstwomen

to enter corporate America dressed in manly suits with button-down

shirts.Oneveteranbankingexecutivetoldmethatsheworeherhairina

bunfortenyearsbecauseshedidnotwantanyonetonoticeshewasa

woman.Whilestyleshaverelaxed,womenstillworryaboutstickingout

too much. I know an engineer at a tech start-up who removes her

earringsbeforegoingtoworksocoworkerswon’tberemindedthatshe

is—shhh!—notaman.

Early in my career, my gender was rarely noted (except for the

occasional client who wanted to fix me up with his son). Manly suits

werenolongerinfashion,andIneitherhidnoremphasizedfemininity.I

haveneverreporteddirectlytoawoman—notonceinmyentirecareer.

Therewerehigher-levelwomenattheplacesIworked,butIwasn’tclose

enoughtoseehowtheydealtwiththisissueonadailybasis.Iwasnever

invitedtoattendasinglemeetingthatdiscussedgender,andtherewere

nospecialprogramsforwomenthatIcanrecall.Thatallseemedfine.

We were fitting in, and there was no reason to call attention to

ourselves.

But while gender was not openly acknowledged, it was still lurking

below the surface. I started to see differences in attitudes toward

women.Istartednoticinghowoftenemployeeswerejudgednotbytheir

objectiveperformance,butbythesubjectivestandardofhowwellthey

fitin.GiventhatthesummeroutingatMcKinseywasadeep-seafishing

trip and most company dinners ended with whiskey sipping and cigar

smoking,Isometimesstruggledtopassthe“fittingin”test.Onenight,

encouragedbythemalepartners,Ipuffedawayonacigar—justoneof

theguys. Except thatthe smoking nauseatedme and I reeked of cigar

smokefordays.Ifthatwasfittingin,Istuckout.

OthersalsoseemedawarethatIwasnotoneoftheguys.WhenIwas

namedtheTreasuryDepartment’schiefofstaffin1999,severalpeople

remarkedtome,“Itmusthavehelpedthatyouwereawoman.”Itwas

infuriating. Their intent may not have been malicious, but the

implicationwasclear:Ihadnotgottenthejobonmerit.Ialsofigured

that for every person pointing out my “advantage” to my face, there

wereprobablya dozenotherssayingitless politelybehindmyback.I

considered my possible responses. I could explain that the last time I

checkedtherewasnoaffirmativeactionforwomenatTreasury.Icould

mention that my credentials lined up with those of the men who had

previouslyheldthisposition.Iftherewasenoughtime,Icouldrecount

centuries of discrimination against women. Or I could just slap the

personacrosstheface.Itriedalltheseoptionsatleastonce.Okay,not

theslap.ButoftheresponsesIdidtry,noneofthemworked.

It was a no-win situation. I couldn’t deny being a woman; even if I

tried,people would still figureit out. And defendingmyself just made

me seem … defensive. My gut and the signals I received from others

cautioned me that arguing the issue would make me sound like a

strident feminist. And I still did not want that. I also worried that

pointingout the disadvantages women face in theworkforce might be

misinterpretedaswhiningoraskingforspecialtreatment.SoIignored

thecomments.Iputmyheaddownandworkedhard.

Then, as the years ticked by, I started seeing female friends and

colleagues drop out of the workforce. Some left by choice. Others left

outoffrustration,pushedoutthedoorbycompaniesthatdidnotallow

flexibility and welcomed home by partners who weren’t doing their

share of the housework and child rearing. Others remained but scaled

back their ambitions to meet outsized demands. I watched as the

promisemygenerationhadforfemaleleadershipdwindled.Bythetime

IhadbeenatGoogleforafewyears,Irealizedthattheproblemwasn’t

goingaway.Soeventhoughthethoughtstillscaredme,Idecideditwas

timetostopputtingmyheaddownandtostartspeakingout.

Fortunately, I had company. In 2005, my colleagues Susan Wojcicki

andMarissa Mayer and I all noticed that the speakers who visited the

Google campus were fascinating, notable, and almost always male. In

response, we founded Women@Google and kicked off the new series

withluminariesGloriaSteinemandJaneFonda,whowerelaunchingthe

Women’sMediaCenter.Asaformeraerobicsinstructor,Iwasexcitedto

meet Jane Fonda—and sucked in my stomach the whole time. From

what I knew about the women’s rights movement, I expected Gloria

Steinemtobeformidableandbrilliant,whichshewas.Butshewasalso

charming and funny and warm—the absolute opposite of my childish

imageofthehumorlessfeminist.

After the Women@Google event, Gloria invited me to speak at the

Women’sMediaCenterinNewYork.Isaidyeswithouthesitating.The

daybeforethetalk,IheadedtotheairportwithKimMaloneScott,who

ran the Google publishing teams. Kim is an experienced writer, so I

figuredshewouldhelpmecraftaspeechduringthelongflight.Bythe

timeIgotthroughallofmybackloggede-mails,itwasalmostmidnight.

IturnedtoKimforhelpandsawthatshehadfallenasleep.Longbefore

Facebook made it popular, I thought about giving her a poke. But I

couldn’t bear to wake her up. Staring at the blank computer screen, I

was at a complete loss. I had never spoken about being a woman in

publicbefore.Notonce.Ihadnotalkingpointsornotestoturnto.Then

Irealizedhowstrikingthiswas…andthatIactuallyhadquitealotto

say.

I began my talk the next day by explaining that in business we are

taught to fit in, but that I was starting to think this might not be the

rightapproach.Isaidoutloudthattherearedifferencesbetweenmen

and women both in their behavior and in the way their behavior is

perceivedbyothers.IadmittedthatIcouldseethesedynamicsplaying

outintheworkforce,andthat,inordertofixtheproblems,weneeded

tobeabletotalkaboutgenderwithoutpeoplethinkingwewerecrying

forhelp,askingforspecialtreatment,orabouttosue.Alotpouredout

of me that day. Then I returned to Northern California and put the

conversationonhold.

In the following four years, I gave two talks on women in the

workplace,bothbehindcloseddoorstoprofessionalwomen’sgroupsat

nearbyStanford.Thenoneday,Pat Mitchell called to tell methatshe

was launching TEDWomenand invited me to speak on social media. I

toldherIhadanothersubjectinmindandstartedpullingtogetheratalk

on how women can succeed in the workforce (a talk that TED later

named “Why We Have Too Few Women Leaders”). Very quickly, I

becameexcited.Andjustasquickly, I learned that no oneelseshared

myexcitement.Friendsandcolleagues—bothmaleandfemale—warned

me that making this speech would harm my career by instantly

typecasting me as a female COO and not a real business executive. In

otherwords,Iwouldn’tbeblendingin.

I worried they might be right. Speaking at TED would be different

from my previous keynotes. Although I would be addressing a

sympatheticroom,thetalkwouldbepostedontheweb,whereanyone

couldwatch,andjudge,andcriticize.

InsideFacebook,fewpeoplenoticedmyTEDTalk,andthosewhodid

responded positively. But outside of Facebook, the criticism started to

rollin.OneofmycolleaguesfromTreasurycalledtosaythat“others”—

not him, of course—were wondering why I gave more speeches on

women’s issues than on Facebook. I had been at the company for two

andahalfyearsandgivencountlessspeechesonrebuildingmarketing

aroundthesocialgraphandexactlyonespeechongender.Someoneelse

askedme,“Soisthisyourthingnow?”

At the time, I didn’t know how to respond. Now I would say yes. I

madethismy“thing”becauseweneedtodisruptthestatusquo.Staying

quiet and fitting in may have been all the first generations of women

whoenteredcorporateAmericacoulddo;insomecases,itmightstillbe

thesafestpath.Butthisstrategyisnotpayingoffforwomenasagroup.

Instead, we need to speak out, identify the barriers that are holding

womenback,andfindsolutions.

TheresponsetomyTEDTalkshowedmethataddressingtheseissues

openly can make a difference. Women forwarded the video to their

friends,colleagues,daughters,andsisters.Ibeganreceivinge-mailsand

lettersfromwomenallovertheworldwhowantedtosharetheirstories

ofhowtheygainedthecouragetoreachformoreopportunities,sitat

moretables,andbelievemoreinthemselves.

Oneof my favorite letterscame from Sabeen Virani,a consultant in

Dubai and the only woman in an office of more than three hundred

employees. She responded to my story about the executive who could

notpointmetothewomen’sbathroombecause,assheexplained,inher

workplace,thewomen’sbathroomdidnotevenexist.Sabeendescribed

howduringherfirstweekontheproject,theclienttookherteamoutto

dinner,butshecouldn’tjoinbecausetherestaurantdidn’tallowwomen.

Talk about not sitting at the table—she couldn’t even get into the

restaurant!SomeofthemenwereopenlyhostiletoSabeen.Othersjust

ignoredher.Butratherthangiveupandtransfertoafriendlieroffice,

she decided that she could demonstrate to everyone that women are

competentprofessionals.Intheend,shewonhercoworkersoverandthe

clientconvertedabathroomintoawomen’sbathroomjustforher.She

sentmeaphotoofherstandinginfrontofadoorwithaprintedsign

thatreadsimplyandpowerfully“Toiletsforwomenonly.”

It was also enormously gratifying that men reacted positively to the

talktoo. Dr. John Probascoof the Johns HopkinsUniversity School of

Medicinetoldmethatmystoryaboutwomenbeingmorereluctantthan

men to raise their hands rang true for him so he decided to do away

with the old hand-raising system during rounds. Instead, he started

callingonmaleandfemalestudentsevenly.Hequicklyrealizedthatthe

womenknewtheanswersjustaswell—orevenbetter—thanthemen.In

onedayheincreasedfemaleparticipation.Bymakingonesmallchange

tohisbehavior,hechangedamuchlargerdynamic.

Major changes can result from these kinds of “nudge techniques,”

smallinterventionsthatencouragepeopletobehaveinslightlydifferent

ways at critical moments.

 The simple act of talking openly about

behavioral patterns makes the subconscious conscious. For example,

Googlehasanunusualsystemwhereengineersnominatethemselvesfor

promotions, and the company found that men nominated themselves

more quickly than women. The Google management team shared this

data openly with the female employees, and women’s self-nomination

ratesrosesignificantly,reachingroughlythesameratesasmen’s.

AllthefeedbackfromTEDconvincedmethatIshouldkeepspeaking

upandencouragingotherstodothesame.Itisessentialtobreakingthe

logjam. Talking can transform minds, which can transform behaviors,

whichcantransforminstitutions.

Iknowitisn’teasy.Anyonewhobringsupgenderintheworkplaceis

wading into deep and muddy waters. The subject itself presents a

paradox,forcingustoacknowledgedifferenceswhiletryingtoachieve

the goal of being treated the same. Women, especially those at junior

levels, worry that raising gender issues makes them appear

unprofessionalorasiftheyareblamingothers.Ihavelistenedtowomen

ventfrustrationoverbeingundervaluedandevendemeanedonadaily

basisatwork.WhenIaskiftheyhaveairedanyofthesecomplaintsto

theirsuperiors,they’veresponded,“Ohno!Icouldn’t.”Thereissomuch

fear that speaking up will make the situation worse or even result in

beingpenalizedorfired.Itseemssafertobeartheinjustice.

Formen,raisingthissubjectcanbeevenharder.Amalefriendwho

runsalargeorganizationonceconfidedinme,“It’seasiertotalkabout

your sex life in public than to talk about gender.” The fact that he

wouldn’tgoonrecordwiththisquoteshowshemeantit.VittorioColao,

CEO of Vodafone, told me that he showed my TEDTalk to his senior

managementteambecausehe shares my beliefthatwomensometimes

holdthemselvesback.Healsobelievedthismessagewaseasiertohear

fromawomanthanaman.Hispointisvalid.Ifamanhaddeliveredthe

samemessageorevengentlypointedoutthatwomenmightbetaking

actionsthatlimitedtheiroptions,hewouldhavebeenpilloried.

Shuttingdown discussion is self-defeatingand impedes progress.We

needtotalkandlistenanddebateandrefuteandinstructandlearnand

evolve.Andsincethemajorityofmanagersaremen,weneedthemto

feelcomfortableaddressingtheseissuesdirectlywithfemaleemployees.

Whenawoman sits on the sideof a room, a manneedsto be able to

waveherovertothetableandexplainwhysoshewillknowtositatthe

tablethenexttime.

KenChenault,CEOofAmericanExpress,isaleaderonthisfront.Ken

openlyacknowledgesthatinmeetings,bothmenandwomenaremore

likely to interrupt a woman and give credit to a man for an idea first

proposedbyawoman.Whenhewitnesseseitherofthesebehaviors,he

stopsthemeetingtopointitout.Comingfromthetop,thisreallymakes

employees think twice. A more junior woman (or man) can also

interveneinthesituationwhenafemalecolleaguehasbeeninterrupted.

Shecangentlybutfirmlytellthegroup,“Beforewemoveon,I’dliketo

hearwhat[seniorwoman]hadtosay.”Thisactionnotonlybenefitsthe

senior woman but can raise the stature of the junior woman as well,

since speaking up for someone else displays both confidence and a

communalspirit.Thejuniorwomancomesacrossasbothcompetentand

nice.

AtFacebook,Iteachmanagerstoencouragewomentotalkabouttheir

plans to have children and help them continue to reach for

opportunities. I give men the option of quoting me if the words don’t

feelrightcomingoutoftheirmouths.Still,thisapproachis a bit of a

crutch and it does not translate to other companies. It would be

preferable if everyone had permission to talk about this subject both

publiclyandbehindclosedofficedoors.

Onestumblingblockisthatmanypeoplebelievethattheworkplaceis

largelyameritocracy,whichmeanswelookatindividuals,notgroups,

anddeterminethatdifferencesinoutcomesmustbebasedonmerit,not

gender. Men at the top are often unaware of the benefits they enjoy

simply because they’re men, and this can make them blind to the

disadvantagesassociatedwithbeingawoman.Womenlowerdownalso

believethatmenatthetopareentitledtobethere,sotheytrytoplayby

the rules and work harder to advance rather than raise questions or

voice concerns about the possibility of bias. As a result, everyone

becomescomplicitinperpetuatinganunjustsystem.

Atthesametime,wemustbecarefulnottoinjectgenderintoevery

discussion.I know a maleCEO who is enormouslydedicated to hiring

and promoting women. When a female employee kicked off a

negotiation by insisting that she should have a higher title and was

underleveledbecauseshewasawoman,itimmediatelyputhimonthe

defense.Shewasspeakinghertruth,butinthiscase,hertruthwasan

accusationwithlegalramifications.Assoonassheframedtheissuein

those terms, the CEO had no choice but to put their friendly talks on

holdandcallinHR.Itmighthaveservedherbettertoexplainhowshe

wascontributingtothecompanyandaskforthepromotionfirst.

Eventoday,mentioninggenderinworksituationsoftenmakespeople

visibly uncomfortable. To their credit, many institutions have worked

hardtosensitizepeopletotheseissues,especiallysexualharassment.But

while human resources seminars can raise consciousness and help

protect employees, they have also raised the specter of legal action,

which can create real barriers to these conversations. The federal and

statelawsthataredesignedtoprotectemployeesagainstdiscrimination

specify only that an employer cannot make decisions based on certain

protected characteristics such as gender, pregnancy, and age. But

companiesusuallytakethepolicyastepfurtherandteachmanagersnot

to ask anything related to these areas. Anyone making even a benign

inquirysuchas“Areyoumarried?”or“Doyouhavekids?”canlaterbe

accusedofbasingapersonneldecisiononthisinformation.Asaresult,a

manager who is trying to help a female employee by pointing out a

gender-drivenstyledifferencecouldbechargedwithdiscriminationfor

doingso.

ThefirsttimeIaskedaprospectiveemployeeifshewasconsidering

havingchildrensoon,Iunderstoodthatdoingsocouldexposemeand

mycompanytolegalrisk.Unlikemanywomen,Iwasina positionto

evaluatethatriskandchosetotakeit.Thelawsthatprotectwomenand

minorities and people with disabilities, among others, from

discrimination are essential, and I am not suggesting they be

circumvented.ButIhavealsowitnessedfirsthandhowtheycanhavea

chilling effect on discourse, sometimes even to the detriment of the

people they are designed to defend. I don’t have a solution to this

dilemmaandwillleaveittopublicpolicyandlegalexpertstosolve.Ido

thinkthisisworthsomeseriousattentionsowecanfindawaytodeal

withtheseissuesinawaythatprotectsbutdoesn’tsuppress.

Most people would agree that gender bias exists … in others. We,

however,wouldneverbeswayedbysuchsuperficialandunenlightened

opinions. Except we are. Our preconceived notions about masculinity

andfemininityinfluencehowweinteractwithandevaluatecolleagues

in the workplace. A 2012 study found that when evaluating identical

résumés for a lab manager position from a male student and a female

student,scientistsofbothsexesgavebettermarkstothemaleapplicant.

Even though the students had the same qualifications and experience,

thescientistsdeemedthefemalestudentlesscompetentandofferedher

a lower starting salary and less mentoring.

 Other studies of job

applicants, candidates for scholarships, and musicians auditioning for

orchestras have come to the same conclusion: gender bias influences

how we view performance and typically raises our assessment of men

while lowering our assessment of women.

 Even today, gender-blind

evaluations still result in better outcomes for women.

 Unfortunately,

mostjobsrequireface-to-faceinterviews.

Allofus,myselfincluded,arebiased,whetherweadmititornot.And

thinking that we are objective can actually make this even worse,

creating what social scientists call a “bias blind spot.” This blind spot

causespeopletobetooconfidentabouttheirownpowersofobjectivity

so that they fail to correct for bias.

 When evaluating identically

described male and female candidates for the job of police chief,

respondents who claimed to be the most impartial actually exhibited

morebiasinfavorofmalecandidates.Thisisnotjustcounterproductive

but deeply dangerous. Evaluators in that same study actually shifted

hiring criteria to give men an advantage. When a male applicant

possessed a strong educational record, that quality was considered

critical to the success of a police chief. But when a male applicant

possessed a weaker educational record, that quality was rated as less

important. This favoritism was not shown to female applicants. If

anything,thereversehappened.Whenawomanpossessedaparticular

skill,ability,orbackground,thatqualitytendedtocarrylessweight.The

infuriatingtakeawayfromthisstudyisthat“merit”canbemanipulated

tojustifydiscrimination.

Socialscientistsareuncoveringnewexamplesofbiasallthetime.In

2012, a series of studies compared men in more “modern” marriages

(whose wives worked outside the home full-time) to men in more

“traditional”marriages(whosewivesworkedathome).Theresearchers

wanted to determine if a man’s home arrangement affected his

professional behavior. It did. Compared to men in modern marriages,

meninmoretraditionalmarriagesviewedthepresenceofwomeninthe

workforce less favorably. They also denied promotions to qualified

female employees more often and were more likely to think that

companies with a higher percentage of female employees ran less

smoothly.Theresearchersspeculatedthatmenintraditionalmarriages

are not overtly hostile toward women but instead are “benevolent

sexists”—holdingpositiveyetoutdatedviewsaboutwomen.

(Another

term I have heard is “nice guy misogynists.”) These men might even

believethatwomenhavesuperiorstrengthsincertainareaslikemoral

reasoning, which makes them better equipped to raise children—and

perhaps less equipped to succeed in business.

 In all likelihood, men

who share this attitude are unaware of how their conscious and

unconsciousbeliefshurttheirfemalecolleagues.

Another bias arises from our tendency to want to work with people

who are like us. Innovisor, a consulting firm, conducted research in

twenty-nine countries and found that when men and women select a

colleague to collaborate with, both were significantly more likely to

choosesomeoneofthesamegender.

Yetdiversegroupsoftenperform

better.

 Armed with this information, managers should take a more

active role in mixing and matching when assigning teams. Or, at the

veryleast,managersshould point out thistendencyto give employees

themotivationtoshakethingsup.

Myownattemptstopointoutgenderbiashavegeneratedmorethan

my fair share of eye rolling from others. At best, people are open to

scrutinizingthemselvesandconsideringtheirblindspots;atworst,they

become defensive and angry. One common instance of bias crops up

during job performance evaluations. When reviewing a woman, the

reviewer will often voice the concern, “While she’s really good at her

job,she’sjustnotaswelllikedbyherpeers.”WhenIhearlanguagelike

that,IbringuptheHeidi/Howardstudyandhowsuccessandlikeability

arenegativelycorrelatedforwomen.Iasktheevaluatortoconsiderthe

possibility that this successful female may be paying a gender-based

penalty.Usuallypeoplefindthestudycredible,noddingtheirheadsin

agreement, but then bristle at the suggestion that this might be

influencing the reaction of their management team. They will further

defendtheirpositionbyarguingthatitcannotbegenderrelatedbecause

—aha!—both men and women have problems with that particular

femaleexecutive.Butthesuccessandlikeabilitypenaltyisimposedby

bothmenandwomen.Womenperpetuatethisbiasaswell.

Ofcourse,noteverywomandeservestobewellliked.Somewomen

aredislikedforbehaviorsthattheywoulddowelltochange.Inaperfect

world,theywouldreceiveconstructivefeedbackandtheopportunityto

makethosechanges.Still,callingattentiontothisbiasforcespeopleto

think about whether there is a real problem or a perception problem.

Thegoalistogivewomensomethingmentendtoreceiveautomatically

—thebenefitofthedoubt.

Inturn,womenmightalsowanttogivetheirbossesthebenefitofthe

doubt.Cynthia Hogan served as chief counsel forthe Senate Judiciary

Committee under then-senator Joe Biden before leaving in 1996 after

herfirstchildwasborn.Herplanwastoreturntotheworkforceafew

years later. But when her second child was born prematurely, those

plans changed. A full twelve years later, Vice President–Elect Biden

called Cynthia to ask her to join his staff as chief legal counsel in the

WhiteHouse.“MyfirstreactionwasthatInolongerownedanyclothes

other than yoga pants!” Cynthia said. But her larger concern was

whethershecouldmanagethelonghoursintheWhiteHouseandstill

seeherfamily.Sheputitbeautifully:“Iknewthatwhetherthiswould

workdependedontwomen.SofirstIaskedmyhusbandifhecouldstep

in and take on more of the responsibility for the kids. He said, ‘Of

course, it’s your turn.’ And then I told the Vice President–elect that I

reallywantedtohavedinnerwithmykidsmostnights.Andhisresponse

was,‘Well,youhaveaphoneandIcancallyouwhenIneedyouafter

dinnertime.’”

Cynthiabelievesthatthelessonofherstoryis“Don’tbeafraidtoask,”

evenifitseemslike alongshot.Beingofferedasenior job,especially

after being at home for so long, presented a great opportunity. Many

womenwouldhaveaccepteditwithouteventryingtocarveoutthetime

they needed for their families. Others would have turned it down,

assuming that having dinner at home most nights was not negotiable.

Beingforthrightledtoopportunity.

Everyjobwilldemandsomesacrifice.Thekeyistoavoidunnecessary

sacrifice.Thisisespeciallyhardsinceourworkculturevaluescomplete

dedication.Weworrythatevenmentioningotherprioritiesmakesusless

valuable employees. I have faced this too. As I described, once I had

children,Ichangedmyworkinghourstobehomefordinner.Butonly

fairlyrecentlydidIstarttalkingaboutthischange.Andwhiletheimpact

ofmyactuallyleavingworkearlywasnegligible,admittingthatIwent

homeatfivethirtyturnedouttobekindofabigdeal.

I first openly discussed my office hours at the launch of Facebook

Women, an in-house resource group. The initial meeting, run by Lori

GolerandFacebook’sheadofengineering,MikeSchroepfer,wasopento

any Facebook employee, including men. During the Q&A, I was asked

the (inevitable) question about how I balanced my job and family. I

talked about leaving work to have dinner with my children and then

gettingbackonlineaftertheywenttobed.IsaidthatIwassharingmy

schedule because I wanted to encourage others to personalize their

schedulestoo.Even thoughIhadplannedin advancetodiscussthis,I

feltnervous.YearsofconditioninghadtaughtmenevertosuggestthatI

was doing anything other than giving 100 percent to my job. It was

scarytothinkthatsomeone,evenpeopleworkingforme,mightdoubt

mydiligenceordedication.Fortunately,itdidn’thappen.Afewpeople

atFacebookthankedmeformentioningit,butthatwasit.

A few years later, producer Dyllan McGee interviewed me for her

Makersvideoseries.Wespokeonawiderangeofsubjects,includingmy

dailyworkschedule.Thevideowaspostedtothewebandwasinstantly

the subject of heated debate. Thanks to social media (serves me right),

everyonehadanopinionaboutmyleavingtheofficeatfivethirty.Igot

flowers with an anonymous thank-you note. Mike Callahan, Yahoo’s

general counsel at the time, told me that several of the more senior

women in his legal department saidmy admission struck a chord and

theyweregoingtofollowmyexample.AuthorKenAulettasaidthatI

couldnothavegottenmoreheadlinesifIhadmurderedsomeonewith

an ax. While I was glad to jump-start the discussion, all the attention

gavemethisweirdfeelingthatsomeonewasgoingtoobjectandfireme.

Ihadtoreassuremyselfthatthiswasabsurd.Still,theclamormademe

realize how incredibly hard it would be for someone in a less-senior

positiontoaskfororadmittothisschedule.Wehavealongwaytogo

beforeflextimeisacceptedinmostworkplaces.Itwillonlyhappenifwe

keepraisingtheissue.

The discussions may be difficult, but the positives are many. We

cannot change what we are unaware of, and once we are aware, we

cannothelpbutchange.

Evenawell-establishedinstitutionlikeHarvardBusinessSchool(HBS)

can evolve rapidly when issues are addressed head-on. Historically at

HBS, American male students have academically outperformed both

female and international students. When Nitin Nohria was appointed

dean in 2010, he made it his mission to close this gap. He began by

appointing Youngme Moon as senior associate dean of the MBA

program,thefirstwomantoholdthatpositionintheschool’scentury-

plushistory.HealsocreatedanewpositionforRobinEly,anexperton

genderanddiversity.

AssociateDeanMoon,workingwithProfessorFrancesFrei,spentthe

first year rigorously examining the school’s culture. They visited each

classroom and discussed the challenges women and international

students faced. Then they used that knowledge to create what Dean

Nohria calls “a level of mindfulness.” Without calling for major

overhauls,theytackledthesoftstuff—smalladjustmentsstudentscould

makeimmediately,likepayingmoreattentiontothelanguagetheyused

in class. They laid out a new, communal definition of leadership:

“Leadershipis about making othersbetter as a resultof your presence

andmakingsurethatimpactlastsinyourabsence.”Theyheldstudents

responsible for the impact their behavior had on others. Those who

violatedthatprinciple,orevenhostedaneventwherethatprinciplewas

violated,wereheldaccountable.Thesecondyear,HBSintroducedsmall

group projects to encourage collaboration between classmates who

would not naturally work together. They also added a year-long field

course,whichplaystothestrengthsofstudentswhoarelesscomfortable

contributinginfrontoflargeclasses.

By commencement, the performance gap had virtually disappeared.

Men,women,andinternationalstudentswererepresentedproportionally

inthehonorsawarded.Therewasanotherbenefittoo.Inaresultmany

consideredsurprising,overallstudent satisfactionwentup,notjustfor

thefemaleandinternationalstudents,butforAmericanmales as well.

Bycreatingamoreequalenvironment,everyonewashappier.Andallof

thiswasaccomplishedinjusttwoshortyears.

Socialgainsareneverhandedout.Theymustbeseized.Leadersofthe

women’s movement—from Susan B. Anthony to Jane Addams to Alice

PaultoBellaAbzugtoFloKennedytosomanyothers—spokeoutloudly

and bravely to demand the rights that we now have. Their courage

changedourcultureandourlawstothebenefitofusall.Lookingback,

it made no sense for my college friends and me to distance ourselves

from the hard-won achievements of earlier feminists. We should have

cheeredtheirefforts.Instead,weloweredourvoices,thinkingthebattle

wasover,andwiththisreticencewehurtourselves.

NowIproudlycallmyselfafeminist.IfTipO’Neillwerealivetoday,I

mighteventellhimthatI’mapom-pomgirlforfeminism.Ihopemore

women, and men, will join me in accepting this distinguished label.

Currently,only24percentofwomenintheUnitedStatessaythatthey

consider themselves feminists. Yet when offered a more specific

definitionoffeminism—“Afeministis someone who believes in social,

political,andeconomicequalityofthesexes”—thepercentageofwomen

whoagreerisesto65percent.

That’sabigmoveintherightdirection.

Semantics can be important, but I don’t think progress turns on our

willingnesstoapplyalabeltoourselves.Idothinkprogressturnsonour

willingnesstospeakupabouttheimpactgenderhasonus.Wecanno

longer pretend that biases do not exist, nor can we talk around them.

AndasHarvardBusinessSchoolhasdemonstrated,theresultofcreating

a more equal environment will not just be better performance for our

organizations,butquitelikelygreaterhappinessforall.

WorkingTogetherTowardEquality

IBEGANTHISBOOKbyacknowledgingthatwomeninthedevelopedworldare

betteroffthanever,butthegoaloftrueequalitystilleludesus.Sohow

do we move forward? First, we mustdecide that true equalityis long

overdueandwillbeachievedonlywhenmorewomenrisetothetopof

every government and every industry. Then we have to do the hard

work of getting there. All of us—men and women alike—have to

understand and acknowledge how stereotypes and biases cloud our

beliefsandperpetuatethestatusquo.Insteadofignoringourdifferences,

weneedtoacceptandtranscendthem.

For decades, we have focused on giving women the choice to work

inside or outside the home. We have celebrated the fact that women

havetherighttomakethisdecision,andrightlyso.Butwehavetoask

ourselvesifwehavebecomesofocusedonsupportingpersonalchoices

thatwe’refailingtoencouragewomentoaspiretoleadership.Itistime

to cheer on girls and women who want to sit at the table, seek

challenges,andleanintotheircareers.

Today,despiteallofthegainswehavemade,neithermennorwomen

have real choice. Until women have supportive employers and

colleagues as well as partners who share family responsibilities, they

don’thaverealchoice.Anduntilmenarefullyrespectedforcontributing

insidethehome,theydon’thaverealchoiceeither.Equalopportunityis

not equal unless everyone receives the encouragement that makes

seizingthoseopportunitiespossible.Onlythencanbothmenandwomen

achievetheirfullpotential.

Noneofthisisattainableunlesswepursuethesegoalstogether.Men

needtosupportwomenand,Iwishitwentwithoutsaying,womenneed

tosupportwomentoo.StanfordprofessorDeborahGruenfeldmakesthe

case:“Weneedtolookoutforoneanother,worktogether,andactmore

likeacoalition.Asindividuals,wehaverelativelylowlevelsofpower.
Workingtogether,we arefiftypercentofthe populationandtherefore
haverealpower.”
2
Asobviousasthissounds,womenhavenot always
worked together in the past. In fact, there are many discouraging
exampleswherewomenhaveactuallydonetheopposite.
Weareanewgenerationandweneedanewapproach.
In the summer of 2012, my former Google colleague Marissa Mayer
was named CEO of Yahoo. Like several of her friends and the Yahoo
board, I knew that she was heading into her third trimester of
pregnancy. Of course, many men take big jobs when their wives are
weeks away from giving birth, and no one raises it as an issue, but
Marissa’sconditionquicklybecameheadlinenews.Shewasheraldedas
the first pregnant CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Feminists cheered.
ThenMarissaletitbeknown:“Mymaternityleavewillbeafewweeks
long, and I’ll work throughout it.”
3
 Many feminists stopped cheering.
Sincetakingsuchashortleaveisnotfeasibleordesirableforeveryone,
they argued that Marissa was hurting the cause by setting up
unreasonableexpectations.
Sowasthisonegiantleapforwardforwomankindandonebabystep
back?Ofcoursenot.MarissabecametheyoungestCEOofaFortune500
company…whilepregnant.Shedecidedhowshewantedtomanageher
career and family and never claimed that her choice should apply to
anyoneelse.IfshehadcutYahoo’smaternityleavetotwoweeksforall
employees,thenconcernwouldhavebeeninorder.Shedidnotdothis,
but she was still roundly criticized. Even a European cabinet member
weighed in.
4
 Like any individual, Marissa knows best what she is
capable of given her particular circumstances. And as journalist Kara
Swisheralsonoted,Marissa“hasahusbandwhocanactuallytakecare
ofthechild,andnooneseemstorememberthat.”
5
Womenwhowantto
taketwoweeksoff…ortwo days…ortwo years…ortwenty years
deserveeveryone’sfullsupport.
As Marissa’s experience demonstrates, women in powerful positions
oftenreceivegreaterscrutiny.Becausethevastmajority of leaders are
men, it is not possible to generalize from any one example. But the
dearth of female leaders causes one woman to be viewed as
representativeofherentiregender.
6
Andbecausepeopleoftendiscount
anddislikefemaleleaders,thesegeneralizationsareoftencritical.Thisis

notjustunfairtotheindividualsbutreinforcesthestigmathatsuccessful

womenareunlikeable.AperfectandpersonalexampleoccurredinMay

2012,whenaForbesbloggerpostedanarticleentitled“SherylSandberg

IstheValley’s‘It’Girl—JustLikeKimPoleseOnceWas.”Hebeganhis

comparison by describing Kim, an early tech entrepreneur, as a

“luminary”in themid-1990s who never really earnedher success,but

was“intherightplaceattherighttime[andwas]young,prettyanda

good speaker.” The blogger then argued, “I think Polese is a good

cautionarytalefor…SherylSandberg.”

Ouch.

Kim and I had never met or spoken before this incident, but she

defendedbothofus.Inapublishedresponse,shedescribedreadingthe

blogpostandhowher“immediatethoughtwas—howsad.Howsadthat

asanindustryanda society we haven’t advanced over these past two

decadeswhenitcomestoviewsonwomenandleadership.Aswithall

the past lazy, stereotype-ridden articles like this one, it gets the facts

wrong.”Aftercorrectingthefacts,shecontinued,“Viewsliketheseare

all too commonplace, and part of a pervasive pattern that belittles,

demeansandmarginalizeswomenasleaders.”

So many otherreaders

joinedherincallingthepostsexistthatthebloggerpostedanapology

andretraction.

IwasgratefulforKim’svocalsupport.Themorewomencanstickup

for one another, the better. Sadly, this doesn’t always happen. And it

seemstohappenevenlesswhenwomenvoiceapositionthatinvolvesa

gender-related issue. The attacks on Marissa for her maternity leave

planscamealmostentirelyfromotherwomen.This hascertainlybeen

myexperience too. Everyoneloves a fight—and theyreally love a cat-

fight. The media will report endlessly about women attacking other

women,whichdistractsfromtherealissues.Whenargumentsturninto

“shesaid/shesaid,”wealllose.

Everysocial movement struggleswith dissension within its ranks,in

part because advocates are passionate and unlikely to agree on every

position and solution. Betty Friedan famously and foolishly refused to

workwith—oreventoshakehandswith—GloriaSteinem.Theybothdid

so much to further women’s rights. But what if they had been able to

worktogether?Couldn’ttheyhavefurtheredthecauseevenmore?

There are so many of us who care deeply about these matters. We

shouldstrivetoresolveourdifferencesquickly,andwhenwedisagree,

stayfocusedonoursharedgoals.Thisisnotapleaforlessdebate,but

formoreconstructivedebate.InMarissa’scase,itwouldhavebeengreat

to keep the focus on her breakthrough achievements. Thanks to her

high-profile appointment, other companies might consider hiring

pregnant women for big jobs, and expectant mothers might be more

inclined to apply for them. By diminishing Marissa’s accomplishment,

theattacksdiminishedusall.

Itisapainfultruththatoneoftheobstaclestomorewomengaining

power has sometimes been women already in power. Women in the

generations ahead of me believed, largely correctly, that only one

womanwouldbeallowedtoascendtotheseniorranksinanyparticular

company.Inthedaysoftokenism,womenlookedaroundtheroomand

instead of bonding against an unfair system, they often viewed one

anotherascompetition.Ambitionfueledhostility,andwomenwoundup

beingignored,undermined,andinsomecasesevensabotagedbyother

women.

In the 1970s, this phenomenon was common enough that the term

“queen bee” was used to describe a woman who flourished in a

leadershiprole,especially inmale-dominatedindustries,and whoused

herpositiontokeepotherfemale“workerbees”down.Forsome,itwas

simpleself-preservation.Forothers,itreflectedtheircoming-of-ageina

societythatbelievedmenweresuperiortowomen.Inthissense,queen

bee behavior was not just a cause of gender discrimination but also a

consequence of that discrimination. Queen bees internalized the low

statusofwomenandinordertofeelworthythemselveswantedonlyto

associate with men. Often, these queen bees were rewarded for

maintainingthestatusquoandnotpromotingotherwomen.

Unfortunately,this“therecanbeonlyone”attitudestilllingerstoday.

Itmakesnosenseforwomentofeelthatwearecompetingagainstone

another anymore, but some still do. In certain instances, women

question their female colleagues’ level of career commitment,

aggressiveness,andleadershipabilities.

 One study found that female

professors believed that male Ph.D. students were more committed to

their careers than female Ph.D. students, even though a survey of the

students found no gender difference in their reported levels of

commitment.

 Other research suggests that once a woman achieves

success, particularly in a gender-biased context, her capacity to see

genderdiscriminationisreduced.
13
It’sheartbreakingtothinkaboutonewomanholdinganotherback.As
formersecretaryofstateMadeleineAlbrightoncesaid,“There’saspecial
place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
14
 And the
consequencesextendbeyondindividualpain.Women’snegativeviewsof
female coworkers are often seen as an objective assessment—more
crediblethantheviewsofmen.
15
Whenwomenvoicegenderbias,they
legitimizeit.Obviously,anegativeattitudecannotbegenderbasedifit
comes from another woman, right? Wrong. Often without realizing it,
women internalize disparaging cultural attitudes and then echo them
back.Asaresult,womenarenotjustvictimsofsexism,theycanalsobe
perpetrators.
Thereishopethatthisattitudeischanging.Arecentsurveyfoundthat
“high-potentialwomen” working in business want to “pay itforward,”
and73percenthavereachedouttootherwomentohelpthemdevelop
their talents.
16
 Almost all of the women I have encountered
professionallyhavegoneout oftheirwaytobehelpful.WhenI wasa
lowlysummerinternatMcKinsey,ImetDianaFarrell,astarconsultant,
atacompany-wideconferenceinColorado.Dianahadjustspokenata
panelthatIattendedandwebumpedintoeachotherafterward—where
else?—inthewomen’sroom.Weendeduphavingatalkthatcontinued
beyond the sinks, and she became a close friend and trusted advisor.
Yearslater,shewasoneofthefewwhoencouragedmetojoinGoogle.
The more women help one another, the more we help ourselves.
Actinglikeacoalitiontrulydoesproduceresults.In2004,fourfemale
executivesatMerrillLynchstartedhavinglunchtogetheronceamonth.
Theysharedtheiraccomplishmentsandfrustrations.Theybrainstormed
aboutbusiness.Afterthelunches,theywouldallgobacktotheiroffices
and tout one another’s achievements. They couldn’t brag about
themselves,buttheycouldeasilydoitfortheircolleagues.Theircareers
flourished and each rose up the ranks to reach managing director and
executive officer levels.
17
 The queen bee was banished, and the hive
becamestronger.
Iknowthatnoteverywomanencountersthiskindofpositivefemale
support, and yet oddly, we often expect it. Most women don’t assume
thatmenwillreachoutandhelp,butwithourowngender,weassume
therewillbeaconnection.Weimaginewomenwillactcommunallyand

maybewe do soout of ourown bias. Oncein my career,I felt thata

seniorwomantreatedmepoorly.Shewouldcomplainaboutmeandmy

teambehindmybackbutwouldnotdiscussanyconcernsshehadwith

me,evenwhenIaskeddirectly.WhenIfirstmether,Ihadhighhopes

thatshewouldbeanally.Whensheturnedouttobenotjustunhelpful

butactuallyspiteful,Iwasnotjustdisappointed;Ifeltbetrayed.

Sharon Meers explained to me that this feeling of betrayal was

predictable.Both men and women do, in fact, demand more time and

warmthfromwomenintheworkplace.Weexpectgreaternicenessfrom

women and can become angry when they don’t conform to that

expectation. “I think that’s a big part of the protest about executive

women being ‘mean’ to other women,” Sharon told me. “I think it’s

aboutadoublestandardwehavewhenwelookatfemaleversusmale

superiors.”

Inowrecognizethathadthisseniorwomanbeenamanandactedthe

sameway,Istillwouldhavebeenfrustrated,butIwouldn’thavetaken

it so personally. It’s time to drop the double standard. Gender should

neither magnify nor excuse rude and dismissive treatment. We should

expectprofessionalbehavior,andevenkindness,fromeveryone.

Anycoalitionofsupportmustalsoincludemen,manyofwhomcare

aboutgenderinequalityasmuchaswomendo.In2012,KunalModi,a

studentatHarvard’sKennedySchool,wroteanarticleimploringmento

“ManUponFamilyandWorkplaceIssues.”Hearguedthat“forthesake

ofAmericancorporateperformanceandshareholderreturns,menmust

play an active role in ensuring that the most talented young workers

(often women …) are being encouraged to advocate for their career

advancement.… So men, let’s get involved now—and not in a

patronizing manner that marginalizes this as some altruistic act on

behalfofourmothers,wives,anddaughters—butonbehalfofourselves,

ourcompanies,andthefutureofourcountry.”

IapplaudKunal’smessage,especiallyhisfocusonactiveengagement.

Menofallagesmustcommittochangingtheleadershipratios.Theycan

start by actively seeking out qualified female candidates to hire and

promote.Andifqualifiedcandidatescannotbefound,thenweneedto

investinmorerecruiting,mentoring,andsponsoringsowomencanget

thenecessaryexperience.

An“usversusthem”crusadewillnotmoveustowardtrueequality.

Nor will an “us versus us” crusade,which U.C. Hastings law professor

JoanWilliamscallsthe“genderwars.”Thesewarsarebeingwagedon

manyfronts,butthemommywars,whichpitmotherswhoworkoutside

thehomeagainstmotherswhoworkinsidethehome,attractthemost

attention. As Professor Williams explains, “These mommy wars are so

bitter because both groups’ identities are at stake because of another

clash of social ideals: The ideal worker is defined as someone always

availableforwork,andthe‘goodmother’isdefinedasalwaysavailable

to her children. So ideal-worker women need to prove that, although

theyweren’talwaysthere,theirchildrenarefine,fine,fine.…Women

whohaverejectedtheideal-workernormandsettledforaslowercareer

(ornocareer)needtoprovethattheircompromisewasnecessaryforthe

good of their families. So you have each group of women judging the

other, because neither group of women has been able to live up to

inconsistentideals.”

ProfessorWilliamsisabsolutelyright.Oneoftheconflictsinherentin

having choice is that we all make different ones. There is always an

opportunity cost, and I don’t know any woman who feels comfortable

withallherdecisions.Asaresult,weinadvertentlyholdthatdiscomfort

againstthosewhoremindusofthepathnottaken.Guiltandinsecurity

makeussecond-guessourselvesand,inturn,resentoneanother.

InalettertoTheAtlanticinJune2012,BarnardpresidentDeboraSpar

wroteaboutthismessyandcomplicatedemotion,exploringwhysheand

somanysuccessfulwomenfeelsoguilty.Shedecidedthatit’sbecause

women “have been subtly striving all our lives to prove that we have

pickedupthetorchthatfeminismprovided.Thatwehaven’tfailedthe

mothersandgrandmotherswhomadeourambitionspossible.Andyet,

in a deep and profound way, we are failing. Because feminism wasn’t

supposedtomakeusfeelguilty,orprodusintoconstantcompetitions

over who is raising children better, organizing more cooperative

marriages,orgettinglesssleep.Itwassupposedtomakeusfree—togive

us not only choices but the ability to make these choices without

constantlyfeelingthatwe’dsomehowgottenitwrong.”

Stay-at-home mothers can make me feel guilty and, at times,

intimidateme.TherearemomentswhenIfeelliketheyarejudgingme,

andIimaginetherearemomentswhentheyfeellikeIamjudgingthem.

But when I push past my own feelings of guilt and insecurity, I feel

grateful. These parents—mostly mothers—constitute a large amount of

the talent that helps sustain our schools, nonprofits, and communities.

Rememberthatmomwhopointedoutthatmysonshouldbewearinga

green T-shirt on St. Patrick’s Day? She is a tireless volunteer in the

classroom and our community. So many people benefit from her hard

work.

Society has long undervalued the contributions of those who work

withoutasalary.Mymotherfeltthisslightkeenly.Forseventeenyears,

she worked more than full-time as a mother and on behalf of Soviet

Jewry.Sheunderstoodthatthecompensationforhereffortswasmaking

adifferenceinthelivesofpersecutedpeoplehalfwayacrosstheworld,

butmanypeopleinherownneighborhooddidnotconsiderherworkto

be as important as a “real job.” She was still regarded as “just a

housewife”—undercutting the very real but unpaid work of raising

childrenandadvocatingforhumanrights.

Weallwantthesamething:tofeelcomfortablewithourchoicesand

to feel validated by those around us. So let’s start by validating one

another. Mothers who work outside the home should regard mothers

who work inside the home as real workers. And mothers who work

insidethehomeshouldbeequallyrespectfulofthosechoosinganother

option.

A few years ago on a visit to the U.S. Naval Academy, I met an

extraordinarywomanwhowasabouttojointheU.S.SubmarineForceas

oneofitsfirstfemaleofficers.Shewasnervousabouthernewroleand

awarethat therewere risks in being an officer and not a gentleman. I

askedhertoletmeknowhowitwent.Ayearlater,shefollowedupwith

a heartfelt e-mail. “Truthfully I was prepared for opposition and the

possibilityofbeingdiscounted,”shewrote.“Butitdidnothappen.Iwas

respectedthemomentIsteppedonboardandIcantrulysaythatIama

valued part of the crew.” Unfortunately, she told me that she

encountered resentment from another source—the navy wives. At an

onshore “welcome” dinner, the wives of her colleagues pounced and

accusedherofbeinga“bra-burningfeministouttoproveapoint.”They

forcedhertodefendhercareerchoice,reputation,andpersonallife.“I

wasshocked!Talkabout uncomfortable!”shewrote.“Ididmybestto

answertheirquestionsandstandmyground.Eventuallytheybackedoff

andstartedinonmyhusband!”

We must work harder to rise above this. The gender wars need an

immediateandlastingpeace.Trueequalitywillbeachievedonlywhen

we all fight the stereotypes that hold us back. Feeling threatened by

others’choicespullsusalldown.Instead,weshouldfunnelourenergy

intobreakingthiscycle.

SharonMeerstellsastoryaboutaschoolparents’nightsheattended

in which the children introduced their parents. Sharon’s daughter

Sammy pointed at her father and said, “This is Steve, he makes

buildings,kindoflikeanarchitect,andhelovestosing.”ThenSammy

pointedatSharonandsaid,“ThisisSharon,shewroteabook,sheworks

full-time,and she never picksme up from school.”To Sharon’s credit,

hearingthisaccountdidnot make her feel guilty. Instead,shesaid,“I

feltmadatthesocialnormsthatmakemydaughterfeeloddbecauseher

motherdoesn’tconformtothosenorms.”

The goal is to work toward a world where those social norms no

longerexist.Ifmorechildrenseefathersatschoolpickupsandmothers

whoarebusyatjobs,bothgirlsandboyswillenvisionmoreoptionsfor

themselves. Expectations will not be set by gender but by personal

passion,talents,andinterests.

Iamfullyawarethatmostwomenarenotfocusedonchangingsocial

normsforthenextgenerationbutsimplytryingtogetthrougheachday.

Forty percent of employed mothers lack sick days and vacation leave,

andabout50percentofemployedmothersareunabletotaketimeoffto

careforasickchild.

Onlyabouthalfofwomenreceiveanypayduring

maternityleave.

Thesepoliciescanhavesevereconsequences;families

withnoaccesstopaidfamilyleaveoftengointodebtandcanfallinto

poverty.

Part-timejobswithfluctuatingschedulesofferlittlechanceto

plan and often stop short of the forty-hour week that provides basic

benefits.

Too many work standards remain inflexible and unfair, often

penalizing women with children. Too many talented women try their

hardesttoreachthetopandbumpupagainstsystemicbarriers.Somany

otherspullbackbecausetheydonotthinktheyhaveachoice.Allofthis

brings me back to Leymah Gbowee’s insistence that we need more

women in power. When leadership insists that these policies change,

they will. Google put in pregnancy parking when I asked for it and it

remainstherelong after I left. Wemustraise both the ceilingandthe

floor.

MYMOTHERhadfewerchoicesthanIdid,butwithmyfather’ssupport,she

has always worked hard. During my childhood, she chose to be a

devotedmotherandvolunteer.WhenIleftforcollege,shewentbackto

schooltostudyteachingEnglishasasecondlanguage.Shetaughtfull-

time for fifteen years and felt that teaching was her calling. “At one

point,Iwasaskedtobecometheadministratorfortheentireschool,”my

mothertoldme.“Isaidno,preferringtostayintheclassroomandwork

withmystudents.IwasexactlywhereIwantedtobe.”

In 2003, my mother left the workforce to take care of her ailing

parents. She was sorry to leave her teaching career, but family has

always been her top priority. After my grandparents passed away, she

reenteredtheworkforce.ShefoundedEarPeace:SaveYourHearing,a

nonprofittopreventnoise-inducedhearinglossinyoungpeople.Atthe

age of sixty-five, she has returned to her love of teaching, running

workshopsandspeakingtostudentsfromelementarytohighschool.

My mother has leaned in her entire life. She raised her children,

helped her parents spend their final yearsin dignity and comfort, and

continuestobeadedicatedandlovingwife,mother,andgrandmother.

Shehasalwayscontributedtohercommunityandtheworld.Sheismy

inspiration.

My mother wants to see society achieve true equality. She sees the

barriersthatwomenstillface,butshealsoseesnewopportunities.She

believesthatwhatIhaveachieved,andmuchmore,ispossibleformany

others. I agree. And more important, so many women that I have

encountered agree. Filled with energy, optimism, and self-confidence,

they are scrambling along that jungle gym and moving toward their

long-termdream.

It’suptoustoendtheself-fulfillingbeliefthat“womencan’tdothis,

women can’t do that.” Throwing up our hands and saying “It can’t be

done”ensuresthatitwillneverbedone.

I have written this book to encourage women to dream big, forge a

paththroughtheobstacles,andachievetheirfullpotential.Iamhoping

thateachwomanwillsetherowngoalsandreachforthemwithgusto.

AndIamhopingthateachmanwilldohisparttosupportwomeninthe

workplaceandinthehome,alsowithgusto.Aswestartusingthetalents

of the entire population, our institutions will be more productive, our

homeswillbehappier,andthechildrengrowingupinthosehomeswill

nolongerbeheldbackbynarrowstereotypes.

Iknowthatformanywomen,gettingtothetopoftheirorganization

isfarfromtheirprimaryfocus.Myintentionisnottoexcludethemor

ignoretheirvalidconcerns.Ibelievethatifmorewomenleanin,wecan

changethepower structure of ourworldand expand opportunities for

all.Morefemaleleadershipwillleadtofairertreatmentforallwomen.

Sharedexperienceformsthebasisofempathyand,inturn,cansparkthe

institutionalchangesweneed.

Criticshavescoffedatmefortrustingthatoncewomenareinpower,

theywillhelponeanother,sincethathasnotalwaysbeenthecase.

I’m

willing to take that bet. The first wave of women who ascended to

leadership positions were few and far between, and to survive, many

focusedmoreonfittinginthanonhelpingothers.Thecurrentwaveof

femaleleadershipisincreasinglywillingtospeakup.Themorewomen

attainpositionsofpower,thelesspressuretherewillbetoconform,and

themoretheywilldoforotherwomen.Researchalreadysuggeststhat

companies with more women in leadership roles have better work-life

policies, smaller gender gaps in executive compensation, and more

womeninmidlevelmanagement.

Thehardworkofgenerationsbeforeusmeansthatequalityiswithin

our reach. We can close the leadership gap now. Each individual’s

successcanmakesuccessalittleeasierforthenext.Wecandothis—for

ourselves, for one another, for our daughters, and for our sons. If we

pushhardnow,thisnextwavecanbethelastwave.Inthefuture,there

willbenofemaleleaders.Therewilljustbeleaders.

When Gloria Steinem marched in the streets to fight for the

opportunitiesthatsomanyofusnowtakeforgranted,shequotedSusan

B.Anthony,whomarchedinthestreetsbeforeherandconcluded,“Our

jobisnottomakeyoungwomengrateful.Itistomakethemungrateful

sotheykeepgoing.”

Thesentimentremainstruetoday.Weneedtobe

grateful for what we have but dissatisfied with the status quo. This

dissatisfactionspursthechargeforchange.Wemustkeepgoing.

Themarchtowardtrueequalitycontinues.Itcontinuesdownthehalls

ofgovernments,corporations,academia,hospitals,lawfirms,nonprofits,

researchlabs,andeveryorganization,largeandsmall.Weoweittothe

generationsthatcamebeforeusandthegenerationsthatwillcomeafter

to keep fighting. I believe women can lead more in the workplace. I

believe men can contribute more in the home. And I believe that this

will create a better world, one where half our institutions are run by

womenandhalfourhomesarerunbymen.

I look toward the world I want for all children—and my own. My

greatest hope is that my son and my daughter will be able to choose

whattodowiththeirliveswithoutexternalorinternalobstaclesslowing

themdownormakingthemquestiontheirchoices.Ifmysonwantstodo

theimportantworkofraisingchildrenfull-time,Ihopeheisrespected

andsupported.Andifmydaughterwantstoworkfull-timeoutsideher

home,Ihopesheisnotjustrespectedandsupported,butalsolikedfor

herachievements.

I hope they both end up exactly where they want to be. And when

theyfindwheretheirtruepassionslie,Ihopetheybothleanin—allthe

way.

Let’sKeepTalking…

My goal is that this book is not the end of the conversation, but the

beginning.

IinviteyoutocontinuethediscussionwithmebyjoiningtheLeanIn

Community at www.facebook.com/leaninorg. Let’s keep talking about

theseissuesandsupportingoneanother.Womenandmenofallagesare

welcome.

I also encourage you to visit www.leanin.orgforpracticaleducation

andpersonalexperiencesthatcanhelpyoureachyourgoals.Hereyou

canexploretopicscriticaltoyoursuccess—fromnegotiatingeffectively

to understanding your strengths. You also can create and join Lean In

Circles, small peer groups that meet in person for ongoing

encouragementanddevelopment.

Acknowledgments

Iamgratefultothemanypeoplewhobelievedintheseideasandgave

somuchofthemselvestomakethepublicationofLeanInpossible.

MydeepestthanksgotomywritingpartnerNellScovell.NellandI

have been working together on speeches, starting with the 2011

Forrestal Lecture at the U.S. Naval Academy, where I first used the

phrase “lean in.” When I was considering writing this book, I realized

that I was willing to do it only if Nell collaborated with me. Nell

respondedthatshewas“notjustin,butallin,”whichsayseverything

abouthercommitment.Shetookabreakfromherworkasatelevision

writer/producerandjournalisttomakethisapriority.Sheputinnights,

early mornings, weekends, and holidays to accommodate my limited

schedule.Mostofall,shewasinsistentthatwekeepsearchinguntilwe

found the right way to talk about these complicated and emotional

issues.Nell’stalentwithwordsismatchedonlybyhersenseofhumor

and her unshakable belief that having more women in leadership

positionswillresultinafairerandbetterworld.Iamgratefultohernot

just for her expertise and complete dedication, but for her friendship,

which I have come to cherish. Her heart rings true and clear on this

book’severypage.

Marianne Cooper also has lived and breathed this book for the past

year and a half. As a sociologist at the Clayman Institute for Gender

Research at Stanford University and an expert on gender and social

inequality,Mariannebroughthervastknowledgetobearasthisbook’s

lead researcher. She is meticulous in her approach and has an

unparalleled talent for synthesizing research so it is concise,

understandable, and convincing. I learned a great deal from her clear

thinking,deepinsight,andanalyticalrigor.

This book would not have been written if it were not for Jennifer

Walsh.Throughthedepthofherconviction,thesheerforceofherwill,

andherabsoluterefusaltotakenoforananswer,Jenniferconvincedme

towritethisbook.Shetoldmethatthisprocesswouldbeanimportant

personaljourneyforme,andshewasright.Shestayedbymysidefrom

beginningtoend,providingguidanceandencouragementandreminding

meatkeymomentswhyIwasdoingthis.

My editor, Jordan Pavlin, believed in this project so much that she

dedicatedmanyhoursovermanymonthsbeforeIfullycommitted.She

was instrumental in helping flesh out the initial ideas and turn those

ideas into outlines and finally into chapters. Jordan never read an

anecdote she did not think could be expanded, and she continually

pushedmetosharemoreofmyexperiencesandemotions.Ialsoowemy

deepest gratitude to Sonny Mehta, editor in chief of Knopf, whose

unflaggingsupportkeptthisprojectonthefasttrack.

David Dreyer and Eric London were indispensable to the writing of

this book. As trusted advisors and brilliant craftsmen, they pored over

eachandeverydraftfromtheveryfirsttotheverylast.Theyapplied

theirimpeccablejudgmentandcommunicationsexpertisetoallmatters,

from suggesting sweeping structural changes to honing minute details.

They always (always) stayed on point, were able to see issues from

multiple angles, and delivered their advice with speed and a sense of

humor. Elliot Schrage, Brandee Barker, Sarah Feinberg, Debbie Frost,

and especially Ashley Zandy provided invaluable support and advice.

Gina Bianchini, Rachel Thomas, and Debi Hemmeter turned their

passionforandcommitmenttothisbook’smessageintoestablishingthe

LeanInCommunity.

Ifyoureadthisbook,youknowtheimportanceIplaceonfeedback,

andIamespeciallygratefultothemanypeoplewhoprovidedit.From

themomentIdecidedtodothis,mysister-in-law,AmySchefler,jumped

intohelp.ShesentdetailedthoughtsontopicsIshouldcoverasIwas

working on the initial outline, interviewed all her friends, shared her

own stories, and read every draft of each chapter multiple times. Her

enthusiasmandpassionforthisproject—aswellasherloveandsupport

—weretrulyinspiring.

Gloria Steinem has shared her wisdom with me since I was lucky

enoughtomeethersixyearsago.Myunderstandingofthechallenges

thatwomenfaceowesmuchtothetimeshehasgenerouslyspentwith

me. No one has thought about women—and all of humanity—more

deeplythanGloria.Andsheconsiderseveryissuewithhumility,humor,

anda profound desireto build a just world. As an activist,her efforts

continuetomoveusalltowardthegoaloftrueequality.Asawriter,her

words often provide the best single-sentence summary on any topic,

which is why she is quoted so frequently in this book. The phrase

“internalize the revolution” comes from her and echoes her book

Revolution from Within. It is with love and gratitude that I quote her

wordsinthesepages.

Arianna Huffington has been a constant source of support in every

aspectofmylifeformanyyears.Shesentcommentsondraftsfromall

aroundtheworld,addingherinsightanddeepunderstandingofcultural

trends. Oprah Winfrey encouraged me to focus on my intent for this

book. When I was hesitant to share something personal, I heard her

voicein my head—orin the text messages she sent—reminding me of

thepowerofbeingauthentic.GeneSperlingisoneofthebusiestpeople

I know, and yet he found the time to write page after page of key

suggestions.Hisabilitytocuttotheheartofthematteronissuesthat

concernpublicpolicyandtheproblemsthataffectpeoplefromeverylife

circumstanceismatchless.

MindyLevy,mychildhoodfriend,wasvisitingwithherfamilywhenI

roped her into looking at a chapter. She turned out to be a master of

structure and organization, which she then applied to future drafts.

MellodyHobsonencouragedmetospeakfromtheheartwithconviction

andconfidence.Shesetstheexampleofwhatitmeanstobeawoman,

unapologetically.KarenKehelaSherwoodhelpedcrystallizeseveralkey

ideas, including the “aha” moment of realizing that how women are

perceivedwhennegotiatingcanbeusedasanegotiationtool.Andjust

as she did for so many of my papers for so many years, my college

roommate Carrie Weber stayed up many late nights line editing every

sentence. She helped in ways that only someone who is both a dear

friendandanaccomplishedauthorcould.

Manyothersgenerouslyreaddraftsandofferedthoughts,sometimes

under demanding deadlines. Deep thanks to Stephanie Flanders, Molly

Graham, Larry Summers, Bill McKibben, Tina Bennett, Scott and Clia

Tierney,AmandaMcCall,JamiPasser,MichelleEbersman,StephenPaul,

DianaFarrell,AdamFreed,PhilDeutch,MarneLevine,JoelKaplan,Eric

Antonow,LornaBorenstein,MarcusBuckingham,MichaelGrimes,Anna

Fieler, Kim Scott, Kim Jabal, Carole Geithner, Don Graham, Zander

Lurie,andMichaelBalaoing.

Many people contributed to the research that underpins this book.

ShelleyCorrellandLoriMackenzieoftheClaymanInstituteforGender

ResearchatStanfordconnectedmewithMarianne,thensupportedher

sothatshecoulddedicatesomuchtimetothisproject.ManaNakagawa,

aPh.D.candidateintheInternationalComparativeEducationprogram

atStanfordUniversity,didtheinternationalresearchneededtomakethe

bookrelevantforaglobalaudience.ProfessorDeborahGruenfeldofthe

Stanford Graduate School of Business started educating me on gender

issues more than five years ago and has been doing it ever since.

KathleenMcCartney,deanoftheHarvardGraduateSchoolofEducation,

explainedtheNICHDstudyonearlychildcareandchilddevelopment.

Professor Jennifer Aaker of the Stanford Graduate School of Business

shared her research on the importance of setting goals to pursuing

happiness. Harvard professor Hannah Riley Bowles interrupted her

vacation to spend hours on the phone discussing her work on

negotiation.ProfessorFrancisFlynnoftheStanfordGraduateSchoolof

Business walked me step by step through the findings of his

breakthroughHeidi/Howardstudy.SharonMeersgenerouslysharedall

of the research she spent years doing for her book Getting to 50/50.

Christine Silva, senior director of research at Catalyst, provided

importantdetailonseveralstudies. KimParker,seniorresearcherwith

thePewSocial&DemographicTrendsproject,discussedPew’sresearch

report on gender and career aspirations. And special thanks to Phil

Garland, vice president of methodology at SurveyMonkey, for his

insightfulcommentsonmanydraftsaswellasassistancewithstatistical

analysis.

TheteamatWMEhasbeenon top of everyaspectofthisbook.Ari

EmanuelkickedthiswholethingoffbyintroducingmetoJennifer,andI

amgratefulforhisfriendshipaswellashisever-amusingandsupportive

check-incalls.IamindebtedtoTracyFisher,TheresaBrown,Margaret

Riley, Kathleen Nishimoto, and Caitlin Moore for all their efforts. The

team at Knopf showed remarkable dedication and enthusiasm in this

process:TonyChirico,PaulBogaards,ChrisGillespie,PeterMendelsund,

ErinnHartman,ElizabethLindsay,CarolineBleeke,KatherineHourigan,

andLydiaBuechler.ItwasajoytoworkcloselywithEllenFeldmanand

AmyRyan,andIgrewtodependontheirprecisionwithwords,careful

attentiontodetail,andendlesspatience.ThankyoutoDiveshMakanof

IconiqforhisorganizationalandstructuralhelpandtoGaryStiffelman

ofZiffrenBrittenhamforhisdiligence.IalsowanttothankJillGillett

and Chris Sanagustin for their support of Nell’s work on this project.

Much appreciation goes to Markus Dohle and Madeline McIntosh of

RandomHousefortheirsteadfastbeliefinthisbook.

A special thanks to all the women and men who reached out to me

after my TEDTalk and other speeches to share their stories, struggles,

andtriumphs.Iwouldnothavekepttalkingaboutthissubjectorwritten

this book had it not been for their responses and thoughts. When I

neededinspiration,Ireadandrereadtheire-mailsandletters.

I am also indebted to the many people who have given me

opportunitiesandguidanceoverthecourseofmycareer.LarrySummers

offeredtoadvisemyseniorthesis,gavememyfirstjoboutofcollege,

andhasbeenanimportantpartofmylifeeversince.LantPritchett,my

firstboss,taughtmetolookhardatthedataandspeaktheunvarnished

truth.EricSchmidt,LarryPage,SergeyBrin,andOmidKordestanihired

meatGoogledespitemycompletelackofanyrelevantexperienceand

supported me throughout my many years working for them. Richard

Skolnik,SalimHabayeb,andMariaClarkinvitedmetojointheirteamin

Indiaat the WorldBank. Doug Elmendorf helpedme start agroup for

womenineconomicswhenIwasincollegeandtaughtmesomuchover

thecourseofmanyyears. DonGraham,PatMitchell,JohnDoerr,Dan

Rosensweig,MichaelLynton,BobIger,HowardSchultz,andBobRubin

have all given me key advice at critical junctures in my career. Fred

Kofman shared his insights on leadership, authenticity, and

responsibility.

IamluckytoworkeverydaywithextraordinarypeopleatFacebook.

CamilleHarthasworkedbymysideformorethantenyears.Somuchof

whatI am able to dois because of her expertise,great judgment, and

relentless pursuit of efficiency. My colleagues Chris Cox, Mike

Schroepfer, Elliot Schrage, David Ebersman, Ted Ullyot, Libby Leffler,

CharltonGholson,KellyHoffman,AnikkaFragodt,EricAntonow,David

Fischer,LoriGoler,andDanRosechallengemetoliveuptotheirhigh

standardsandprovidethefriendshipandsupportthatmakescomingto

workeverydayworthwhile.MarkZuckerberggavemetheopportunity

ofalifetimeandhascontinuedtoinspireandsupportmeeversince.He

has taught me by his example to chart my own course and has

encouragedmetodowhatIwoulddoifIwerenotafraid.

Iamblessedtobesurroundedbylovingfriendsthroughthisproject

andallelse.I am so grateful for mychildhoodfriendsEveGreenbarg,

Mindy Levy, Jami Passer, Beth Redlich, Elise Scheck, Pam Srebrenik,

Brook Rose, Merle Safer-stein, and Amy Trachter; and my closest

adulthood friends Carrie Weber, Marne Levine, Phil Deutch, Katie and

ScottMitic,CraigandKirstenNevill-Manning,AdamFreed,JoelKaplan,

Clia and Scott Tierney, Kim Jabal, Lorna Borenstein, David Lawee,

Chamath Palihapitiya, Zander Lurie, Kim Keating, Diana Farrell, Scott

Pearson,LoriTalingting,andLarryBrilliant.

The boundless support of my family has been the foundation of my

life. My deepest gratitude and love to my parents Adele and Joel

Sandberg,mybrotherDavidSandberg,mysisterMichelleSandberg,my

mother-in-law Paula Goldberg, my siblings-in-law Amy Schefler, Marc

Bodnick, and Rob and Leslye Goldberg, and my goddaughter Elise

Geithner.

Thisbookdoesnotjustrecommendtruepartnership;itisaproductof

severaltruepartnerships.ColinSummers,Nell’shusband,sloweddown

his architecture career to become the primary caregiver for their

children. In twenty years, his encouragement of her career has never

faltered.Hiscontributionstothismissionincludedreadingmanydrafts

ofthisbook,discussingitscontentsovercountlessmeals,andattending

several school events alone. Whenever someone suggests that mothers

are better suited to raising children, Nell knows in the deepest way

possiblethatfatherscanparentwithasmuchlove,devotion,andjoy.

Scott Saywell, Marianne’s husband, encouraged her to take on this

projectdespiteherinitialreluctance.Whenmyoffercame,shehadher

ownbooktowriteandasecondbabywithfoodallergieswhowasnot

sleeping well. Scott insisted they would figure out a way to make it

work, then reorganized his schedule so thatit did. He was more than

justsupportive,hewasexcitedforMarianne.

And finally, I want to thank my truly amazing husband, Dave

Goldberg. Dave is my best friend, closest advisor, dedicated coparent,

andtheloveofmylife.Webothknewthatmywritingthisbookwould

comeprimarilyattheexpenseofourtimetogether,andsowritingLean

Inwasasmuchhisdecisionasmine.Hesupportedmeeverystepofthe

way,ashealwaysdoes,withpatience,greatinsight,humor,andlove.

Notes
INTRODUCTION.INTERNALIZINGTHEREVOLUTION
1. International Labour Organization, ILO Global Estimates of Forced
Labour, Results and Methodology (Geneva: ILO Publications, 2012), 13–
14, http://www.ilo.org/wcmsp5/groups/public/---ed_norm/---
declaration/documents/publication/wcms_182004.pdf.
2.CarolineWyatt,“WhatFutureforAfghanWomanJailedforBeing
Raped?,”BBCNews,SouthAsia,January14,2012,http://www.bbc.co.
uk/news/world-south-asia-16543036.
3.AccordingtotheU.S.StateDepartment,thereare195independent
statesintheworld.See U.S. Department of State, Independent States in
the World, Fact Sheet (January 2012), http://www.state.gov/s/inr/rls/
4250.htm#note3.Thecalculationforthenumberofindependentstates
ledbywomen,definedaswomenservingaspresidentorprimeminister
or other executive role, was derived from the most recent information
releasedbytheCIApriortopublication.SeeCentralIntelligenceAgency,
Chiefs of State & Cabinet Members of Foreign Governments (December
2012), https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/world-leaders-1/pdf-
version/December2012ChiefsDirectory.pdf. However, the calculation
alsoincludestwoelectoralchangesnotreflectedintheCIAinformation
—theelectionofParkGeun-hye,whowillbethefirstfemalepresident
ofSouthKoreain2013,andtheendofSwisspresidentEvelineWidmer-
Schlumpf’sterminDecember2012.ItshouldbenotedthatSwitzerland
isledbyaFederalCouncilcomprisedofsevenmembers.Everyyearthe
Swiss Federal Assembly elects from among the seven Federal Council
members a president and vice president. In 2013 the president of
Switzerland will be Ueli Maurer. However, three of the seven Federal
Council members are women (Eveline Widmer-Schlumpf, Simonetta

Sommaruga, and Doris Leuthard). Elections vary from country to
countryintermsofwhenandhowoftentheyareheld.Thus,thetotal
numberofwomenchiefsofstateorheadsofgovernmentwillchangeas
countriesgothroughtheirnextelectioncycle.
4. Inter-Parliamentary Union, Women in National Parliaments (2012),
http://www.ipu.org/wmn-e/world.htm.
5. Claudia Goldin, Lawrence F. Katz, and Ilyana Kuziemko, “The
HomecomingofAmericanCollegeWomen:TheReversaloftheCollege
GenderGap,”JournalofEconomicPerspectives20,no.4(2006):133.
6. Catalyst, Targeting Inequity: The Gender Gap in U.S. Corporate
Leadership (September 2010), http://www.jec.senate.gov/public/index.
cfm?a=Files.Serve&File_id=90foaade-d9f5-43e7-8501-46bbd1c69bb8.
7. Patricia Sellers, “Fortune 500 Women CEOs Hits a Milestone,”
CNNMoney, November 12, 2012, http://postcards.blogs.fortune.cnn.
com/2012/11/12/fortune-500-women-ceos-3/.
8.Catalyst,2012CatalystCensus:Fortune500WomenExecutiveOfficers
and Top Earners (December 2012), http://www.catalyst.org/2012-
catalyst-census-fortune-500-women-executive-officers-and-top-earners.
Catalyst defines an “executive officer” as one who is “appointed and
elected by the board directors,” including the “CEO and up to two
reporting levels below,” and individuals who are “listed as executive
officers in SEC filings”; see appendix 1, Methodology Section, 2009
CatalystCensus:Fortune500,http://www.catalyst.org/etc/Census_app/
09US/2009_Fortune_500_Census_Appendix_1.pdf;Catalyst,2012 Catalyst
Census: Fortune 500 Women Board Directors (December 2012), http://
www.catalyst.org/knowledge/2012-catalyst-census-fortune-500-women-
board-directors;andCenterforAmericanWomenandPolitics,“Women
WhoWillBeServingin2013,”http://www.cawp.rutgers.edu/fast_facts/
elections/2013_womenserving.php.
9. U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, 2011 Job
Patterns for Minorities and Women in Private Industry, 2011 EEO–1
NationalAggregateReport(2011),http://www.eeoc.gov/eeoc/statistics/
employment/jobpat-eeo1/index.cfm. The EEOC’s definition of top
corporate jobs includes executive and senior level officers as well as
managers; Catalyst, 2012 Catalyst Census: Fortune 500 Women Board

Directors,andCenterforAmericanWomenandPolitics,Record Number
ofWomenWillServeinCongress;NewHampshireElectsWomentoAllTop
Posts, Election Watch, November 7, 2012, http://www.cawp.rutgers.
edu/press_room/news/documents/PressRelease_11–07–12.pdf. See also
Catalyst, Women of Color Executives: Their Voices, Their Journeys (June
2001), http://www.catalyst.org/publication/54/women-of-color-
executives-their-voices-their-journeys.
10.ArianeHegewisch,ClaudiaWilliams,andAnlanZhang,TheGender
Wage Gap: 2011, Fact Sheet (March 2012), http://www.iwpr.org/
publications/pubs/the-gender-wage-gap-2011; and Carmen DeNavas-
Walt,BernadetteD.Proctor,andJessicaC.Smith,Income,Poverty,and
HealthInsuranceCoverageintheUnitedStates:2010,U.S.CensusBureau,
Current Population Reports, P60–239 (Washington, D.C.: U.S.
Government Printing Office, 2011), 12, http://www.census.gov/prod/
2011pubs/p60-239.pdf. Statistics cited are drawn from calculations of
thegenderpaygapbasedonmedianannualearnings.AccordingtoDr.
PamelaCoukos,aseniorprogramadvisorattheDepartmentofLabor’s
Office of Federal Contract Compliance Programs, the most commonly
cited estimate of the gender pay gap is based upon the difference
between men’s and women’s median annual earnings. Another widely
used estimate of the gender pay gap is based upon the difference
between men’s and women’s median weekly earnings. Some scholars
believe weekly earnings are more accurate because they can better
accountfordifferencesinthetotalnumberofhoursworked,andsince
menoftenworkmorehoursthanwomen,thisdifferencecanaccountfor
some of the pay gap. Other scholars argue that the median annual
earnings figure is preferable because it includes more types of
compensation (such as bonuses, pensions, etc.). Importantly, both
approaches find that women earn less than men. According to recent
median annual earnings, women earn seventy-seven cents for every
dollar men earn. According to recent median weekly earnings, women
earneighty-twocentsforeverydollarmenearn.
11.MarloThomas,“AnotherEqualPayDay?Really?,”TheHuffington
Post, April 12, 2011, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marlo-thomas/
equal-pay-day_b_847021.html.
12.SociologistArlieRussellHochschildcoinedthephrase“thestalled

revolution”inherbookTheSecondShift(NewYork:AvonBooks,1989),
12.
13. It should be noted that not all female leaders are supportive of
women’s interests. See Nicholas D. Kristof, “Women Hurting Women,”
New York Times, September 29, 2012, http://www.nytimes.com/2012/
09/30/opinion/sunday/kristof-women-hurting-women.html?hp. For
research and discussion about how all women can benefit when more
womenareinpositionsofpower,seechapter11.
14. Joanna Barsh and Lareina Yee, Special Report: Unlocking the Full
Potential of Women in the U.S. Economy, McKinsey & Company (April
2011), 6, http://www.mckinsey.com/Client_Service/Organization/
Latest_thinking/Unlocking_the_full_potential.aspx.
1.THELEADERSHIPAMBITIONGAP:WHATWOULDYOUDOIFYOUWEREN’TAFRAID?
1.From1981to2005,theopt-outrateforcollege-educated,married
whitewomenwithchildrendecreasedfrom25.2percentto21.3percent,
reachingits lowest point in 1993 (16.5 percent).Since the mid-1990s,
therehasbeenanuptickinthisgroupdecidingtoleavetheworkforce.
Still,therateappearstobestabilizingandhasnotreturnedtotherates
seenthirtyorfortyyearsago(StoneandHernandez2012).Thispattern
of opting out maps broadly onto trends in women’s employment rates
since the 1960s. From the 1960s to the 1990s, there was a dramatic
increase in women’s labor force participation, which peaked in 1999
when60percentofwomenwereworking.Since1999,therehasbeena
slow decline in women’s employment rates (Bureau of Labor Statistics
2007and2011).Mirroringthesehistoricalemploymentpatternsamong
women,optingoutreachedalowin1993,thedecadethatrecordedthe
highestratesofwomen’slaborforceparticipation,andsawitssharpest
increasefrom1999to2002,thesameyearsthatmarkedthebeginning
of the decline in women’s overall employment rates (Stone and
Hernandez2012).Thus,therecentdecreaseintheemploymentratesof
highly educated mothers needs to be reconciled with employment
declines among other groups, including declines for nonmothers and
men. All are likely linked in part to a weak labor market (Boushey
2008). Despite this dip in employment, college-educated women have

the highest labor force participation rates of all mothers (Stone and

Hernandez 2012). According to recent research from the U.S. Census

Bureau,young,less-educated,andHispanicwomenaremorelikelytobe

stay-at-homemothers(Kreiderand Elliott 2010).Forstudiesonopting

outandwomen’slaborforceparticipationrates,seePamelaStoneand

LisaAckerlyHernandez,“TheRhetoricandRealityof‘OptingOut,’”in

WomenWhoOptOut:TheDebateoverWorkingMothersandWork-Family

Balance, ed. Bernie D. Jones (New York: New York University Press,

2012),33–56;HeatherBoushey,“‘OptingOut?’TheEffectofChildren

on Women’s Employment in the United States,” Feminist Economics 14,

no. 1 (2008): 1–36; Rose M. Kreider and Diana B. Elliott, “Historical

ChangesinStay-at-HomeMothers:1969–2009,”paperpresentedatthe

AnnualMeetingoftheAmericanSociologicalAssociation,Atlanta,GA,

August 2010, http://www.census.gov/population/www/socdemo/

ASA2010_Kreider_Elliott.pdf; Bureau of Labor Statistics, “Changes in

Men’sandWomen’sLaborForceParticipationRates,”TheEditor’sDesk,

January 10, 2007, http://www.bls.gov/opub/ted/2007/jan/wk2/art03.

htm; and Bureau of Labor Statistics, Women in the Labor Force: A

Datebook, report 1034 (December 2011), http://www.bls.gov/cps/wlf-

databook-2011.pdf.

While the vast majority of women and mothers are working, when

compared to their male counterparts, a sizable employment gap

emerges. Surveys of highly educated men and women find that the

postgraduation rates of employment and hours of employment are

higher for men than for women, especially among those who have

children. A survey of three cohorts of Harvard students from 1969 to

1972, 1979 to 1982, and 1989 to 1992 found that fifteen years after

graduation,about90to94percentofthemenwereemployedfull-time,

fullyearcomparedtoaround60to63.5percentofthewomen.Thefull-

time, full-year employment rate among women graduates with two

children was even lower, ranging from 41 to 47 percent (Goldin and

Katz 2008). A survey of the graduating classes from the University of

ChicagoBoothSchoolofBusinessfrom1990to2006foundthatinevery

year following graduation, between 92 and 94 percent of the men are

employedfull-time,fullyear.Upongraduation,89percentofthewomen

are employed full-time, full year. Yet, over time, this percentage

decreases,suchthatatsixyearsout,78percentofwomenareemployed

full-time,fullyear.Atnineyearsout,the percentage goesdownto69

percent. At ten or more years out, only 62 percent of the women are

employedfull-time,fullyear.Thepercentageisevenlowerforwomen

with children. Ten or more years out, only about half of women with

oneormorechildrenareemployedfull-time,fullyear.Inanygivenyear

sincegraduation,nomorethan1percentofthemenarenotworking,

andonlybetween2and4percentofthemenareworkingpart-time.In

contrast,theshareofwomennotworkingorworkingpart-timeincreases

with years since graduation, such that by ten or more years out, 17

percentofthewomenarenotworkingand22percentareworkingpart-

time.Theremainingsmallpercentagesofmenandwomenworkedfewer

thanfifty-twoweeksperyear.Thesurveyalsofoundthatwomenwith

childrenworked24percentfewerhoursperweekthantheaverageman

andwomenwithoutchildrenworked3.3percentfewerhours(Bertand,

Goldin,andKatz2010).

Another survey published in 2000 of graduates from the top twelve

MBAprogramsfrom1981to1995foundthat95percentofthemen,but

only71percentofthewomen,workedfull-time.Thefurtheroutfrom

graduation,thelowerthefull-timeemploymentrateofwomen(Catalyst,

Center for the Education of Women at the University of Michigan,

University of Michigan Business School, 2000). For more on these

surveys,seeClaudiaGoldinandLawrenceF.Katz,“Transitions:Career

and Family Life Cycles of the Educational Elite,” American Economic

Review: Papers & Proceedings 98, no. 2 (2008): 363–69; Marianne

Bertrand, Claudia Goldin, and Lawrence F. Katz, “Dynamics of the

Gender Gap for Young Professionals in the Financial and Corporate

Sectors,”AmericanEconomicJournal:AppliedEconomics2,no.3(2010):

228–55; and Catalyst, Center for the Education of Women at the

UniversityofMichigan,UniversityofMichiganBusinessSchool,Women

andtheMBA:GatewaytoOpportunity(2000).

2.JudithRodin,indiscussionwiththeauthor,May19,2011.

3. National Center for Education Statistics, “Table 283: Degrees

ConferredbyDegree-GrantingInstitutions,byLevelofDegreeandSexof

Student:SelectedYears,1869–70Through2021–22,”DigestofEducation

Statistics (2012), http://nces.ed.gov/programs/digest/d12/tables/

dt12_283.asp.
4.HannaRosen,TheEndofMen:AndtheRiseofWomen (NewYork:
RiverheadBooks,2012).
5. Debra Myhill, “Bad Boys and Good Girls? Patterns of Interaction
and Response in Whole Class Teaching,” British Educational Research
Journal28,no.3(2002):350.
6.Thefourthousandsurveyrespondentswereemployeesoffourteen
companies, almost all of which were Fortune 500 companies or
companiesofsimilarsize.SeeJoannaBarshandLareinaYee,Unlocking
theFullPotentialofWomenatWork,McKinsey&Company(April2012),
7, http://www.mckinsey.com/careers/women/~/media/Reports/
Women/2012%20WSJ%20Women%20in%20the%20Economy
%20white%20paper%20FINAL.ashx.
Mostsurveysonaspirationstoseniorlevelsfindagendergapbetween
men and women, with more men than women aspiring to these top
managementpositions.A2003surveybytheFamilyandWorkInstitute,
Catalyst,andthe CenterforWork&Family atBostonCollegeofhigh-
level executives found that 19 percent of the men compared to just 9
percent of the women set their sights on becoming CEO or managing
partner.Thesamesurveyfoundthat54percentofthemenandonly43
percent of the women hope to join the ranks of senior management.
Also,oftheexecutiveswhosaidtheyhadreducedtheiraspirations(25
percent),womendidsomorethanmen(34percentofwomencompared
to 21 percent of men). The most frequently cited reason for reducing
aspiration was the same for both men and women—67 percent said a
veryimportantreasonwas“thesacrificesIwouldhavetomakeinmy
personal or family life.” It’s also important to note that women who
thinklittleprogresshasbeenmadeinbreakingthroughtheglassceiling
aremorelikelytohavereducedtheiraspirationsthanwomenwhothink
progresshasoccurred.SeeFamiliesandWorkInstitute,Catalyst,Center
for Work & Family at Boston College, Leaders in a Global Economy: A
Study of Executive Women and Men (January 2003), 4, http://www.
catalyst.org/publication/80/leaders-in-a-global-economy-a-study-of-
executive-women-and-men.
A 2003 study examining the career aspirations of business students

found that 81 percent of the men but only 67 percent of the women

aspiretotopmanagementpositions.SeeGaryN.PowellandD.Anthony

Butterfield, “Gender, Gender Identity, and Aspirations to Top

Management,”WomeninManagementReview18,no.1(2003):88–96.

A 2007 study of employed managers and professionals enrolled in

master’s degree programs also found that the women had relatively

weakeraspirationstoseniormanagement.SeeBarrieLitzskyandJeffrey

Greenhaus,“TheRelationshipBetweenGenderandAspirationstoSenior

Management,”CareerDevelopmentInternational12,no.7(2007):637–59.

AsurveyofgraduatesfromthetoptwelveMBAprogramsfrom1981to

1995 found that only 44 percent of women strongly agreed or agreed

thattheyhada“desiretoadvancetoaseniorposition”comparedto60

percentofmenwhostronglyagreedoragreed.SeeCatalyst,Centerfor

theEducationofWomenattheUniversityofMichigan,andUniversityof

MichiganBusinessSchool,WomenandtheMBA.AMcKinsey&Company

reportfoundthataswomenage,theirdesiretoadvancedecreasesmore

quicklythanmen’sdesire.Thereportconcludedthatateveryage,“more

menwanttotakeonmoreresponsibilityintheirorganizationsandhave

greatercontroloverresults.”SeeJoannaBarshandLareinaYee,Special

Report: Unlocking the Full Potential of Women in the U.S. Economy,

McKinsey & Company (April 2011), 6, http://www.mckinsey.com/

Client_Service/Organization/Latest_thinking/Unlocking_the_full_

potential.aspx.

While most surveys find that more men than women aspire to top

positions, a notable exception is a 2004 Catalyst survey of about 700

female senior leaders and 250 male senior leaders working in Fortune

1000companies.Thissurveyfoundcomparableaspirationstoreachthe

CEOlevelamongwomenandmen(55percentofwomenand57percent

of men). The survey also found that among those in line and staff

positions,morewomenthanmenaspiredtotheCEOlevel.SeeCatalyst,

WomenandMeninU.S. Corporate Leadership:Same Workplace,Different

Realities? (2004), 14–16, http://www.catalyst.org/publication/145/

women-and-men-in-us-corporate-leadership-same-workplace-different-

realities.

Thereareseveralexplanationsofferedastowhywomenhave lower

aspirations than men, including that women feel there is a lack of fit

betweenthemselves(theirpersonalcharacteristics)andseniorleadership

positions, which are often characterized in highly masculine terms;

women feel there are too many obstacles to overcome; women do not

wanttoprioritizecareeroverfamily;womenplacelessimportancethan

domenonjobcharacteristicscommontoseniorroles,suchashighpay,

power, and prestige; gender role socialization influences girls’ and

women’s attitudes and choices about occupational achievement; and

women are more often located in jobs that lack opportunities for

advancement and they lower their aspirations in response to this

disadvantageous structural position. For a review of some of these

explanations, see Litzsky and Greenhaus, “The Relationship Between

GenderandAspirationstoSeniorManagement,”637–59.Forananalysis

of women’s educational and occupational choices, see Jacquelynne S.

Eccles,“UnderstandingWomen’sEducationalandOccupationalChoices:

Applying the Eccles et al. Model of Achievement-Related Choices,”

PsychologyofWomenQuarterly18,no.4(1994):585–609.Foranalysisof

how structural position shapes aspirations, see Naomi Casserir and

Barbara Reskin, “High Hopes: Organizational Position, Employment

Experiences,andWomen’sandMen’sPromotionAspirations,”Workand

Occupations27,no.4(2000):438–63;and Rosabeth Moss Kanter,Men

andWomenoftheCorporation,2nded.(NewYork:BasicBooks,1993).

7. Alison M. Konrad et al., “Sex Differences and Similarities in Job

AttributePreferences:AMeta-Analysis,”PsychologicalBulletin126,no.4

(2000):593–641;andEccles,“UnderstandingWomen’sEducationaland

Occupational Choices,” 585–609. A survey of highly qualified women

foundthatonly15percentofthemselected“apowerfulposition”asan

importantcareergoal.SeeSylviaAnnHewlettandCarolynBuckLuce,

“Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women on the Road to

Success,”Harvard Business Review 83, no. 3 (2005): 48. Studies on job

attribute preferences find that more men than women prefer jobs

characterized by challenging work, power and influence over others,

highlevels of responsibility,risk taking, opportunities forachievement

andadvancement,andhighprestige.Womentendtopreferjobsthatare

characterizedaswork that helps others,enablesthem to develop their

skills and abilities, and allows them to spend time with family. For a

recentreviewofresearchonthistopic,seeEricaS.Weisgram,LisaM.

Dinella, and Megan Fulcher, “The Role of Masculinity/Femininity,
Values, and Occupational Value Affordances in Shaping Young Men’s
and Women’s Occupational Choices,” Sex Roles 65, nos. 3–4 (2011):
243–58.
8. Linda Schweitzer et al., “Exploring the Career Pipeline: Gender
Differencesin Pre-Career Expectations,” Relations Industrielles 66, no. 3
(2011):422–44.Thissurveyof23,413Canadianpostsecondarystudents
foundthatreachingamanageriallevelwithinthreeyearsofgraduating
wasamajorcareerpriorityfor10percentofthemenbutonly5percent
ofthewomen.
9. Hewlett and Luce, “Off-Ramps and On-Ramps,” 48. This study of
highly qualified women and men found that close to half the men
described themselves as “extremely ambitious” or “very ambitious” in
comparisontoaboutathirdofthewomen.Notably,theproportionof
women describing themselves as “very ambitious” was higher among
womeninbusiness(43percent)andlawandmedicine(51percent).
10. Eileen Patten and Kim Parker, A Gender Reversal on Career
Aspirations, Pew Research Center (April 2012), http://www.
pewsocialtrends.org/2012/04/19/a-gender-reversal-on-career-
aspirations/. The finding that young women place more emphasis on
career success than do young men does not hold when controlling for
education. Among college graduates under age forty, there is not a
significant difference between men and women in the share placing a
highemphasisoncareersuccess.Thereisasignificantgenderdifference
amongnon–collegegraduatesunderageforty.Thesefindingsarebased
onsmallsamplesizesandshouldbeinterpretedwithcaution.
11. The Millennial generation is typically defined as those born
between1980and2000.
12.ThissurveyofMillennialadultsfoundthat36percentofmen,but
only 25 percent of women, said that the sentence “I aspire to a
leadership role in whatever field I ultimately work” applies to them
“very well.” See Darshan Goux, Millennials in the Workplace, Bentley
UniversityCenterforWomenandBusiness(2012),17–25,http://www.
bentley.edu/centers/sites/www.bentley.edu.centers/files/centers/cwb/
millennials-report.pdf.

Another survey, conducted in 2008 by the Girl Scouts, found no
difference between girls and boys in terms of their likelihood to have
leadershipaspirationsandtothinkofthemselvesasleaders.Thesurvey
didfindthatgirlsaremoreconcernedaboutsocialbacklash.One-third
ofthegirlswhoreportednotwantingtobeleadersattributedtheirlack
of desire to “fear of being laughed at, making people mad at them,
coming across as bossy, or not being liked by people.” See Girl Scout
Research Institute, Change It Up: What Girls Say About Redefining
Leadership (2008), 19, http://www.girlscouts.org/research/pdf/change_
it_up_executive_summary_english.pdf.
13. Samantha Ettus, “Does the Wage Gap Start in Kindergarten?,”
Forbes, June 13, 2012, http://www.forbes.com/sites/samanthaettus/
2012/06/13/kindergarten-wage-gap/.
14.Astudyofaccomplishedmenandwomenwiththecredentialsto
runforpoliticalofficefoundthat62percentofmenversus46percentof
womenhadconsideredrunning.Thestudyfoundthat22percentofthe
men versus 14 percent of the women were interested in running for
office in the future. The men also were almost 60percent more likely
than the women to think that they were “very qualified” to run. See
Jennifer L. Lawless and Richard L. Fox, Men Rule: The Continued
UnderRepresentationofWomeninU.S.Politics(Washington,D.C.:Women
& Politics Institute, American University School of Public Affairs,
January 2012), http://www.american.edu/spa/wpi/upload/2012-Men-
Rule-Report-final-web.pdf.
15. A survey of more than four thousand middle and high school
studentsfoundthatonly22percentofgirlsbut37percentofboyssaid
that “being in charge of other people” was “extremely important” or
“veryimportant”totheminafuturejob.Thesurveyalsofoundthat37
percentofgirlscomparedto51percentofboyssaidthat“beingmyown
boss”was“extremelyimportant”or“veryimportant”totheminafuture
job.SeeDeborahMarlinoandFionaWilson,TeenGirlsonBusiness:Are
TheyBeingEmpowered?,TheCommitteeof200,SimmonsCollegeSchool
of Management (April 2003), 21, http://www.simmons.edu/som/docs/
centers/TGOB_report_full.pdf.
16.JennaJohnson,“OnCollegeCampuses,aGenderGapinStudent
Government,”WashingtonPost,March16,2011,http://www.washington

post.com/local/education/on-college-campuses-a-gender-gap-in-student-
government/2011/03/10/ABim1Bf_story.html.
17.Forresearchonhowaggressivewomenviolatesocialnorms,see
MadelineE.HeilmanandTylerG.Okimoto,“WhyAreWomenPenalized
forSuccessatMaleTasks?TheImpliedCommunalityDeficit,”Journalof
AppliedPsychology92,no.1(2007):81–92;MadelineE.Heilmanetal.,
“Penalties for Success: Reactions to Women Who Succeed at Male
Gender-Typed Tasks,” Journal of Applied Psychology 89, no. 3 (2004):
416–27;AliceH.EaglyandStevenJ.Karau,“RoleCongruityTheoryof
Prejudice Toward Female Leaders,” Psychological Review 109, no. 3
(2002): 573–98; and Madeline E. Heilman, “Description and
Prescription: How Gender Stereotypes Prevent Women’s Ascent up the
OrganizationalLadder,”JournalofSocialIssues57,no.4(2001):657–74.
18.GayleTzemachLemmon,“WeNeedtoTellGirlsTheyCanHaveIt
All (Even If They Can’t),” The Atlantic, June 29, 2012, http://www.
theatlantic.com/business/archive/2012/06/we-need-to-tell-girls-they-
can-have-it-all-even-if-they-cant/259165/.
19. For reviews of research, see May Ling Halim and Diane Ruble,
“Gender Identity and Stereotyping in Early and Middle Childhood,” in
Handbook of Gender Research in Psychology: Gender Research in General
andExperimentalPsychology,vol.1,ed.JoanC.ChrislerandDonaldR.
McCreary(NewYork:Springer,2010),495–525;MichaelS.Kimmeland
AmyAronson,eds.,TheGenderedSocietyReader,3rded.(Oxford:Oxford
UniversityPress,2008);andCampbellLeaperandCarlyKayFriedman,
“TheSocializationofGender,”inHandbookof Socialization: Theory and
Research,ed.JoanE.GrusecandPaulD.Hastings(NewYork:Guilford
Press,2007),561–87.
20. Melissa W. Clearfield and Naree M. Nelson, “Sex Differences in
Mother’s Speech and Play Behavior with 6, 9, and 14-Month-Old
Infants,”SexRoles54,nos.1–2(2006):127–37.Studieshavefoundthat
parents tend to talk more with daughters than with sons. Further,
mothershavemoreemotionallycomplexconversationsanduseamore
conversational and supportive style of communication with their
daughters than with their sons. For reviews of research,see Clearfield
and Nelson, “Sex Differences in Mother’s Speech and Play Behavior,”
127–37; and Gretchen S. Lovas, “Gender and Patterns of Language

Development in Mother-Toddler and Father-Toddler Dyads,” First
Language31,no.1(2011):83–108.
21.EmilyR.Mondschein,KarenE.Adolph,andCatherineS.Tamis-Le
Monda,“GenderBiasinMothers’ExpectationsAboutInfantCrawling,”
JournalofExperimentalChildPsychology77,no.4(2000):304–16.
22. Clearfield and Nelson, “Sex Differences in Mother’s Speech and
PlayBehavior,”127–37.Anotherstudyobservingclosetoeighthundred
familiesinfourdifferentpublic venues found that in threeofthefour
locations,alargerpercentageofmaletoddlerswereallowedtowalkby
themselves than were female toddlers. See G. Mitchell et al.,
“ReproducingGenderinPublicPlaces:Adults’AttentiontoToddlersin
ThreePublicPlaces,”SexRoles26,nos.7–8(1992):323–30.
23.EmmaGray,“GymboreeOnesies:‘SmartLikeDad’forBoys,‘Pretty
LikeMommy’forGirls,”TheHuffingtonPost,November16,2011,http://
www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/16/gymboree-onesies_n_1098435.
html.
24.AndreaChang,“JCPenneyPulls‘I’mTooPrettytoDoHomework’
Shirt,” Los Angeles Times blog, August 31, 2011, http://latimesblogs.
latimes.com/money_co/2011/08/jcpenney-pulls-im-too-pretty-to-do-
homework-shirt.html.
25.Overthelastfortyyears,genderbiasandgenderdifferencesinthe
classroomhave been studiedextensively. On balance,studies find that
teachersgivemoreattentiontoboysthangirls.Boysalsotendtohavea
more dominant presence in the classroom. Still, depending on the
methodology employed (such as the age of students, the subject area
beingtaught,andtheachievementlevelofthestudents),some studies
havefoundfewdifferencesinteacherinteractionsand behavior in the
classroom between boys and girls. Notably, very few studies have
documented instances in which girls receive more attention from
teachersthandoboys.Forreviewsoftheresearch,seeRobynBeaman,
KevinWheldall,andCarolKemp,“DifferentialTeacherAttentiontoBoys
andGirlsintheClassroom,”EducationalReview58,no.3(2006):339–
66;SusanneM.JonesandKathrynDindia,“AMeta-AnalyticPerspective
onSexEquityintheClassroom,”ReviewofEducationalResearch74,no.4
(2004):443–71; Ellen Rydell Altermatt,Jasna Javanovic, and Michelle

Perry, “Bias or Responsivity? Sex and Achievement-Level Effects on

Teachers’ Classroom Questioning Practices,” Journal of Educational

Psychology 90, no. 3 (1998): 516–27; Myra Sadker, David Sadker, and

Susan Klein, “The Issue of Gender in Elementary and Secondary

Education,” Review of Research in Education 17 (1991): 269–334; and

RobertaM.HallandBerniceR.Sandler,TheClassroomClimate:AChilly

One for Women? (Washington, D.C.: Association of American Colleges,

1982).

26. Riley Maida, “4 Year Old Girl Questions Marketing Strategies,”

YouTube video, 1:12 minutes, posted by Neuroticy2, December 28,

2011,http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3mTTloB_oc.

27. Kelly Danaher and Christian S. Crandall, “Stereotype Threat in

AppliedSettingsRe-Examined,”JournalofAppliedSocialPsychology38,

no. 6 (2008): 1639–55. Based on their analysis of gender, stereotype

threat,andperformanceontheAPcalculustest,DanaherandCrandall

estimatethatifthedemographicgenderquestionwasmovedtotheend

of the test, 4,763 more young women would pass. For more research

about how stereotype threat decreases women’s performance, see

CatherineGood,JoshuaAronson,andJayneAnnHarder,“Problemsin

thePipeline:StereotypeThreatandWomen’sAchievementinHigh-Level

MathCourses,”JournalofAppliedandDevelopmentalPsychology29,no.1

(2008):17–28.

Stereotypes of all kinds, ranging from “white men can’t jump” to

“Asiansarebetteratmath”havebeenshowntoinfluenceperformance

as well as the evaluation of performance. See Jeff Stone, Zachary W.

Perry,andJohnM.Darley,“‘WhiteMenCan’tJump’:Evidenceforthe

Perceptual Confirmation of Racial Stereotypes Following a Basketball

Game,”Basic and Applied Social Psychology 19, no. 3 (1997): 291–306;

JeffStoneetal.,“StereotypeThreatEffectsonBlackandWhiteAthletic

Performance,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 77, no. 6

(1999): 1213–27; and Margaret Shih, Todd L. Pittinsky, and Nalini

Ambady, “Stereotype Susceptibility: Identity Salience and Shifts in

Quantitative Performance,” Psychological Science 10, no. 1 (1999): 80–

83.

28.JenessaR.ShapiroandAmyM.Williams,“TheRoleofStereotype

ThreatsinUnderminingGirls’andWomen’sPerformanceandInterestin

STEMFields,”SexRoles66,nos.3–4(2011):175–83.
29.Goux,MillennialsintheWorkplace,32.
30.SarahJaneGlynn,TheNewBreadwinners:2010Update,Centerfor
American Progress (April 2012), 2, http://www.americanprogress.org/
issues/labor/report/2012/04/16/11377/the-new-breadwinners-2010-
update/.In2009,41.4percentofmotherswerebreadwinnersfortheir
familiesandanother22.5percentwereco-breadwinners.
31.HeatherBoushey,“TheNewBreadwinners,”inTheShriverReport:
A Woman Nation Changes Everything, ed. Heather Boushey and Ann
O’Leary, A Report by Maria Shriver and the Center for American
Progress (October 2009), 34, http://www.americanprogress.org/issues/
women/report/2009/10/16/6789/the-shriver-report/.
32. Mark Mather, U.S. Children in Single-Mother Families, Population
ReferenceBureau,DataBrief(May2012).
33. Human Rights Watch, Failing Its Families: Lack of Paid Leave and
Work-Family Supports in the US (February 2011), http://www.hrw.org/
sites/default/files/reports/us0211webwcover.pdf.
34. Ellen Bravo, “ ‘Having It All?’—The Wrong Question for Most
Women,” Women’s Media Center, June 26, 2012, http://www.womens
mediacenter.com/feature/entry/having-it-allthe-wrong-question-for-
most-women.
35.SharonMeersandJoannaStrober,Gettingto50/50:HowWorking
Couples Can Have It All by Sharing It All (New York: Bantam Books,
2009).
36. Rosalind Chait Barnett, “Women and Multiple Roles: Myths and
Reality,” Harvard Review of Psychology 12, no. 3 (2004): 158–64;
Rosalind Chait Barnett and Janet Shibley Hyde, “Women, Men, Work,
andFamily: An Expansionist Theory,” AmericanPsychologist 56, no. 10
(2001): 781–96; and Rosalind Chait Barnett and Caryl Rivers, She
Works/He Works: How Two-Income Families Are Happy, Healthy, and
Thriving(Cambridge,MA:HarvardUniversityPress,1998).
37. Cheryl Buehler and Marion O’Brian, “Mothers’ Part-Time
Employment:AssociationswithMotherandFamilyWell-Being,”Journal
of Family Psychology 25, no. 6 (2011): 895–906; Rebekah Coley et al.,

“MaternalFunctioning,Time,Money:TheWorldofWorkandWelfare,”

Children and Youth Services Review 29, no. 6 (2007): 721–41; Leslie

Bennetts,TheFeminineMistake:AreWeGivingUpTooMuch?(NewYork:

Hyperion,2007);LynneP.Cook,“‘Doing’GenderinContext:Household

BargainingandtheRiskofDivorceinGermanyandtheUnitedStates,”

American Journal of Sociology 112, no. 2 (2006): 442–72; and Barnett,

“WomenandMultipleRoles,”158–64.

38.ThisphrasewasfirstusedbySpencerJohnsoninhis1998book,

WhoMovedMyCheese?.SeeSpencerJohnson,WhoMovedMyCheese?An

Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life (New

York:Putnam,1998),48.

2.SITATTHETABLE

1. Peggy McIntosh, “Feeling Like a Fraud,” Wellesley Centers for

Women working paper no. 18 (Wellesley, MA: Stone Centers

Publications,1985).

2. Early research on the impostor syndrome in the late 1970s

suggested it was more prevalent among high-achieving women.

Subsequentstudiesin the1980sand1990swereequivocal,withsome

studiesagreeingandothersfindingthatmenweresometimesvulnerable

to these kinds of fears too, at comparable rates. Recently, studies that

focused on college students, doctoral students, and family medicine

residents have again found the syndrome to be more prevalent among

women than men. Most research and discussion about the impostor

syndrome argues that women are more limited by it because they

experienceitmorefrequentlyandwithmoreintensitythandomen.For

a discussion, see Gina Gibson-Beverly and Jonathan P. Schwartz,

“Attachment, Entitlement, and the Impostor Phenomenon in Female

GraduateStudents,”JournalofCollegeCounseling11,no.2(2008):120–

21; and Shamala Kumar and Carolyn M. Jagacinski, “Imposters Have

Goals Too: The Imposter Phenomenon and Its Relationship to

AchievementGoalTheory,”PersonalityandIndividualDifferences40,no.

1(2006):149.Forotherrecentstudies, see Gregor Jöstletal.,“When

WillTheyBlowMyCover?TheImpostorPhenomenonAmongAustrian

DoctoralStudents,”ZeitschriftfürPsychologie220,no.2(2012):109–20;

LorettaNealMcGregor,DamonE.Gee,andK.ElizabethPosey,“IFeel
Like a Fraud and It Depresses Me: The Relation Between the Imposter
PhenomenonandDepression,”SocialBehaviorandPersonality36,no.1
(2008): 43–48; and Kathy Oriel, Mary Beth Plane, and Marlon Mundt,
“Family Medicine Residents and the Impostor Phenomenon,” Family
Medicine 36, no. 4 (2004): 248–52. For the original study, see Pauline
Rose Clance and Suzanne Ament Imes, “The Impostor Phenomenon in
High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention,”
Psychotherapy:Theory,ResearchandPractice15,no.3(1978):241–47.
3. “Tina Fey—From Spoofer to Movie Stardom,” The Independent,
March 19, 2010, http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/
films/features/tina-fey--from-spoofer-to-movie-stardom-1923552.html.
4.S.ScottLindetal.,“Competency-BasedStudentSelf-Assessmenton
aSurgeryRotation,”JournalofSurgicalResearch105,no.1(2002):31–
34.
5. Jennifer L. Lawless and Richard L. Fox, Men Rule: The Continued
UnderRepresentationofWomeninU.S.Politics(Washington,D.C.:Women
& Politics Institute, American University School of Public Affairs,
January 2012), http://www.american.edu/spa/wpi/upload/2012-Men-
Rule-Report-final-web.pdf.
6. Working Group on Student Experiences, Study on Women’s
Experiencesat Harvard Law School(Cambridge,MA:WorkingGroupon
Student Experiences, February 2004), http://www.law.harvard.edu/
students/experiences/FullReport.pdf. A higher percentage of male law
studentsthanfemalelawstudentsrankedthemselvesinthetopquintile
oftheirclassinthefollowingcategories:legalreasoning(33%vs.15%),
quantitative reasoning (40% vs. 11%), quick on feet (28% vs. 17%),
brief writing (23% vs. 18%), oral argument (24% vs. 13%), research
(20% vs. 11%), building consensus (27% vs. 21%), and persuading
others (20% vs. 12%). In only one skill, ethical issues, did a slightly
higher percentage of female students (26%) than male students (25%)
rankthemselvesinthetopquintileoftheirclass.
7.Forstudiesonhowwomenestimatetheirabilitiesinfrontofothers,
see Kimberly A. Daubman, Laurie Heatherington, and Alicia Ahn,
“GenderandtheSelf-PresentationofAcademicAchievement,”SexRoles

27, nos. 3–4 (1992): 187–204; Laurie Heatherington et al., “Two

Investigationsof‘FemaleModesty’inAchievementSituations,”SexRoles

29, nos. 11–12 (1993): 739–54; and Laurie Heatherington, Laura S.

Townsend,andDavidP.Burroughs,“‘How’dYouDoonThatTest?’The

Effects of Gender on Self-Presentation of Achievement to Vulnerable

Men,”SexRoles45,nos.3–4(2001):161–77.Forareviewandanalysis

of how womenjudge themselves on masculine tasks, see SylviaBeyer,

“The Effects of Gender, Dysphoria, and Performance Feedback on the

AccuracyofSelf-Evaluations,”SexRoles47,nos.9–10(2002):453–64.

8.SylviaBeyer,“GenderDifferencesinCausalAttributionsbyCollege

Students of Performance on Course Examinations,” Current Psychology

17, no. 4 (1998): 346–58. Research has documented the tendency for

girlsandwomentounderestimatetheirskills,abilities,andperformance

relative to boys and men, especially in regard to masculine tasks. Yet

depending on the specific methodology used, some studies have found

that women give more accurate appraisals of their performance, while

men overestimate their performance. Several explanations have been

advanced to explain why women tend to lower their self-assessments,

includinglowself-confidence;“femininemodesty,”whichholdsthatto

act in accordance with gender role stereotypes and/or to avoid the

negative consequences of female immodesty, girls and women present

themselvesinamorehumblemanner;andconcernwithprotectingthe

self-esteem of others. From this relational perspective, women want to

preserve a sense of equality and compatibility in their personal

relationships,andthustheylowertheirself-assessmentssoasto avoid

beingperceivedasbraggingortoavoidmakingsomeoneelse,whomay

have performed worse, feel badly. The gender of the person to whom

womenmakeaself-assessmenthassometimesbeenfoundtoaffectthe

degree to which they underestimate themselves, with some evidence

finding that women lower their self-assessments in the presence of

vulnerable male partners, for example by lowering estimates of their

GPA in front of a male partner who is worried about his grades.

However,studiesonthisspecifictopicareinconsistent.Forareviewof

these explanations, see Heatherington, Townsend, and Burroughs,

“ ‘How’d You Do on That Test?,’ ” 161–77; and Laurie Heatherington,

AndreaB.Burns,andTimothyB. Gustafson, “When Another Stumbles:

Gender and Self-Presentationto Vulnerable Others,” Sex Roles 38, nos.
11–12(1998):889–913.
9.Tomi-AnnRobertsandSusanNolan-Hoeksema,“SexDifferencesin
ReactionstoEvaluativeFeedback,”SexRoles21,nos.11–12(December
1989): 725–47; and Maria Johnson and Vicki S. Helgeson, “Sex
Differences in Response to Evaluative Feedback: A Field Study,”
PsychologyofWomenQuarterly26,no.3(2002):242–51.
10. Sylvia Beyer, “Gender Differences in Causal Attributions by
College Students of Performance on Course Examinations,” Current
Psychology 17, no. 4 (1998): 354. For a review of consequences from
negativeself-evaluation,includingdepressionandloweraspirations,see
Sylvia Beyer and Edward M. Bowden, “Gender Differences in Self-
Perception:ConvergentEvidencefromThreeMeasuresofAccuracyand
Bias,”PersonalityandSocialPsychologyBulletin23,no.2(1997):169.
11.NicolePerlrothandClaireCainMiller,“The$1.6BillionWoman,
Staying on Message,” New York Times, February 4, 2012, http://www.
nytimes.com/2012/02/05/business/sheryl-sandberg-of-facebook-
staying-on-message.html?pagewanted=all.
12. Dana R. Carney, Amy J. C. Cuddy, and Andy J. Yap, “Power
Posing:BriefNonverbalDisplaysAffectNeuroendocrineLevelsandRisk
Tolerance,”PsychologicalScience21,no.10(2010):1363–68.
13.BiancaBosker,“CiscoTechChiefOutlinestheAdvantagesofBeing
aWomaninTech,”TheHuffingtonPost,October27,2011,http://www.
huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/27/cisco-chief-technology-officer-woman-
in-tech_n_1035880.html.
14.ClaireCainMiller,“ForIncomingI.B.M.Chief,Self-ConfidenceIs
Rewarded, New York Times, October 27, 2011, http://www.nytimes.
com/2011/10/28/business/for-incoming-ibm-chief-self-confidence-
rewarded.html.
15.CarolineHoward,“TheWorld’s100MostPowerfulWomen:This
YearIt’sAllAboutReach,”Forbes,August24,2011,http://www.forbes.
com/sites/carolinehoward/2011/08/24/the-worlds-100-most-powerful-
women-this-year-its-all-about-reach/.

3.SUCCESSANDLIKEABILITY
1.AdescriptionandanalysisofthestudywereprovidedbyProfessor
FrankJ.Flynnindiscussionwiththeauthor,June22,2011.
2.Toreadthecasestudy,seeKathleenMcGinnandNicoleTempest,
HeidiRoizen,HarvardBusinessSchoolCaseStudy#9–800–228(Boston:
HarvardBusinessSchoolPublishing,2009).
3. Madeline E. Heilman and Tyler G. Okimoto, “Why Are Women
PenalizedforSuccessatMaleTasks?:TheImpliedCommunalityDeficit,”
Journal of Applied Psychology 92, no. 1 (2007): 81–92; Madeline E.
Heilmanetal.,“PenaltiesforSuccess:ReactionstoWomenWhoSucceed
at Male Gender-Typed Tasks,” Journal of Applied Psychology 89, no. 3
(2004):416–27;andMadelineE.Heilman,CarynJ.Block,andRichard
F. Martell, “Sex Stereotypes: Do They Influence Perceptions of
Managers?”JournalofSocialBehaviorand Personality 10, no.6 (1995):
237–52. For helpful reviews of relevant issues, see Alice H. Eagly and
Steven J. Karau, “Role Congruity Theory of Prejudice Toward Female
Leaders,” Psychological Review 109, no. 3 (2002): 573–98; Madeline E.
Heilman, “Description and Prescription: How Gender Stereotypes
PreventWomen’sAscentuptheOrganizationalLadder,”JournalofSocial
Issues 57, no. 4 (2001): 657–74; and Cecilia L. Ridgeway, “Gender,
Status,andLeadership,”JournalofSocialIssues57,no.4(2001):637–55.
It should be noted that successful women pay a likeability penalty
specificallyinarenasconsideredtobemaledomains.
4. Cyndi Kernahan, Bruce D. Bartholow, and B. Ann Bettencourt,
“Effects of Category-Based Expectancy Violation on Affect-Related
Evaluations:TowardaComprehensiveModel,”BasicandAppliedSocial
Psychology 22, no. 2 (2000): 85–100; and B. Ann Bettencourt et al.,
“EvaluationsofIngroupandOutgroupMembers:TheRoleofCategory-
Based Expectancy Violation,” Journal of Experimental Social Psychology
33,no.3(1997):244–75.Researchonthistopic,knownas“expectancy
theory,” finds that we tend to evaluate people based upon stereotypes
aboutthegroupstowhich they belong. When peopleactinwaysthat
violateourpreconceivedexpectations,wetakenoticeandevaluatethem
moreextremelyandintenselythanwewouldotherwise.
5.ShankarVedantam,“‘NicerSex’ImageatPlayinPolitics,”Chicago

Tribune, November 13, 2007, http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2007–
11–13/news/0711120690_1_female-leaders-women-and-leadership-
social-psychologist.
6.KenAuletta,“AWoman’sPlace:CanSherylSandbergUpendSilicon
Valley’s Male-Dominated Culture?,” The New Yorker, July 11, 2012,
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/07/11/110711fa_fact_
auletta?currentPage=all.
7.Professor Deborah H. Gruenfeld, discussion with the author,June
22,2012.
8. A study by Madeline E. Heilman et al. (2004) found that among
competent employees, those who were less liked received fewer
organizationalrewardrecommendations(suchasgettingputonthefast
track,salaryincreases)thanemployeeswhowereliked.SeeHeilmanet
al.,“PenaltiesforSuccess,”416–27.
9. Laurie A. Rudman, “Self-Promotion as a Risk Factor for Women:
The Costs and Benefits of Counterstereotypical Impression
Management,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 74, no. 3
(1998): 629–45; Laurie A. Rudman and Peter Glick, “Feminized
ManagementandBacklashTowardAgenticWomen:TheHiddenCoststo
Women of a Kinder, Gentler Image of Middle Managers,” Journal of
PersonalityandSocialPsychology77,no.5(1999):1004–10;andLaurie
A. Rudman and Peter Glick, “Prescriptive Gender Stereotypes and
Backlash Toward Agentic Women,” Journal of Social Issues 57, no. 4
(2001):743–62.
10. Professor Francis J. Flynn, discussion with the author, June 22,
2011.
11.MadelineE.HeilmanandJulieJ.Chen,“SameBehavior,Different
Consequences: Reactions to Men’s and Women’s Altruistic Citizenship
Behaviors,”JournalofAppliedPsychology90,no.3(2005):431–41.
12. Catalyst, The Double-Bind Dilemma for Women in Leadership:
Damned if You Do, Doomed if You Don’t (July 2007), 1, http://www.
catalyst.org/file/45/the%20double-bind%20dilemma%20for%20
women%20in%20leadership%20damned%20if%20you%20do,%20
doomed%20if%20you%20don%E2%80%99t.pdf.
13.LindaBabcockandSaraLaschever,WomenDon’tAsk(NewYork:

BantamBooks,2007),1–4;LindaBabcocketal.,“GenderDifferencesin

the Propensity to Initiate Negotiations,” in Social Psychology and

Economics, ed. David De Cremer, Marcel Zeelenberg, and J. Keith

Murnighan(Mahwah,NJ:LawrenceErlbaum,2006),239–59;andFiona

Greig,“PropensitytoNegotiateandCareerAdvancement:Evidencefrom

anInvestmentBankThatWomenAreona‘SlowElevator,’”Negotiation

Journal 24, no. 4 (2008): 495–508. In general, studies find that men

negotiatemorethanwomenandtendtoreapmorerewardsfromtheir

efforts. However, these trends depend on the context in which the

negotiationoccurs.Smalletal.(2007)foundthatthegenderdifference

ininitiatinganegotiationdisappearsifthesituationischaracterizedas

an opportunity to “ask” as opposed to an opportunity to “negotiate.”

AndBowlesetal.(2005)foundthatwomen’sperformancedramatically

improvesiftheyarenegotiatingforothersandnotforthemselves.See

Deborah A. Small et al., “Who Goes to the Bargaining Table? The

Influence of Gender and Framing on the Initiation of Negotiation,”

Journalof Personality and Social Psychology 93, no. 4 (2007): 600–613;

and Hannah Riley Bowles et al., “Constraints and Triggers: Situational

Mechanics of Gender in Negotiation,” Journal of Personality and Social

Psychology89,no.6(2005):951–65.

14.BabcockandLaschever,WomenDon’tAsk,1–2.

15. Emily T. Amanatullah and Catherine H. Tinsley, “Punishing

FemaleNegotiatorsforAssertingTooMuch…orNotEnough:Exploring

Why Advocacy Moderates Backlash Against Assertive Female

Negotiators,”OrganizationalBehaviorandHumanDecisionProcesses120,

no.1(2013):110–22;andHannahRileyBowles,LindaBabcock,andLei

Lai, “Social Incentives for Gender Differences in the Propensity to

Initiate Negotiations: Sometimes It Does Hurt to Ask,” Organizational

BehaviorandHumanDecisionProcesses103,no.1(2007):84–103.

16. Emily T. Amanatullah and Michael W. Morris, “Negotiating

GenderRoles:GenderDifferencesinAssertiveNegotiatingAreMediated

by Women’s Fear of Backlash and Attenuated When Negotiating on

BehalfofOthers,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology98,no.2

(2010):256–67;andBowlesetal.,“ConstraintsandTriggers,”951–65.

17. Bowles, Babcock, and Lai, “Social Incentives for Gender

Differences,”84–103.

18. Hannah Riley Bowles and Linda Babcock, “How Can Women
EscapetheCompensationNegotiationDilemma?RelationalAccountsAre
OneAnswer,”PsychologyofWomenQuarterly,articleinpress(2012),2,
http://dx.doi.org/10.1177/0361684312455524.
19.Ibid.,1–17.
20. Cecilia L. Ridgeway, “Status in Groups: The Importance of
Motivation,” American Sociological Review 47, no. 1 (1982): 76–88. In
malegroupsituations,womenwerefoundtobemoreinfluentialwhen
they made group-oriented statements (for example, “I think it’s
importantthatwecooperate”).
21.BowlesandBabcock,“HowCanWomenEscapetheCompensation
NegotiationDilemma?”1–17.
22.LindaBabcockandSaraLaschever,AskforIt:HowWomenCanUse
the Power of Negotiation to Get What They Really Want (New York:
BantamDell,2008),253.
23. For more information and advice about how to be “relentlessly
pleasant,”seeibid.,251–66.
24. E. B. Boyd, “Where Is the Female Mark Zuckerberg?,” San
Francisco, December 2011, http://www.modernluxury.com/san-
francisco/story/where-the-female-mark-zuckerberg.
25.JessicaValenti,“SadWhiteBabieswithMeanFeministMommies,”
Jessica Valenti blog, June 19, 2012, http://jessicavalenti.tumblr.com/
post/25465502300/sad-white-babies-with-mean-feminist-mommies-the.
4.IT’SAJUNGLEGYM,NOTALADDER
1. Bureau of Labor Statistics, Number of Jobs Held, Labor Market
Activity, and Earnings Growth Among the Youngest Baby Boomers: Results
fromaLongitudinalStudy(July2012),http://www.bls.gov/news.release/
pdf/nlsoy.pdf.This reportfoundthattheaverage personbornbetween
1957and1964had11.3jobsbetweentheagesofeighteenandforty-six,
withalmosthalfofthesejobsbeingheldbetweentheagesofeighteen
andtwenty-four.
2. For reviews of the research on women tending to be more risk

aversethanmen,seeMarianneBertrand,“NewPerspectivesonGender,”
inHandbookofLaborEconomics,vol.4B,ed.OrleyAshenfelterandDavid
Card (Amsterdam: North Holland, 2010), 1544–90; Rachel Croson and
Uri Gneezy, “Gender Differences in Preferences,” Journal of Economic
Literature47,no.2(2009):448–74;andCatherineC.EckelandPhillipJ.
Grossman,“Men,Women,andRiskAversion:ExperimentalEvidence,”in
HandbookofExperimentalEconomicsResults,vol.1,ed.CharlesR.Plott
andVernonL.Smith(Amsterdam:NorthHolland,2008),1061–73.
3. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Drowning Risks in
NaturalWaterSettings,http://www.cdc.gov/Features/dsDrowningRisks/.
4.KarenS.LynessandChristineA.Schrader,“MovingAheadorJust
Moving? An Examination of Gender Differences in Senior Corporate
ManagementAppointments,”Gender&OrganizationManagement31,no.
6(2006):651–76.Thisstudyexamined952announcementsinTheWall
Street Journal about senior management appointments. Analysis of the
announcements found that compared to their male counterparts,
women’snewrolesweremoresimilartotheirpreviousrolesandwomen
werelesslikelytoswitchtonewcompanies.Amongthoseinmanagerial
staff positions, women were less likely than men to move into a line
position or into a new functional area. These differences suggest that
women’sjobchangesmayofferfewercareerbenefitsthanthebenefits
menreceivefortheirjobmoves.
5. Londa Schiebinger, Andrea Davies, and Shannon K. Gilmartin,
DualCareer Academic Couples: What Universities Need to Know, Clayman
InstituteforGenderResearch,StanfordUniversity(2008),http://gender.
stanford.edu/sites/default/files/DualCareerFinal_0.pdf; Kimberlee A.
Shauman and Mary C. Noonan, “Family Migration and Labor Force
Outcomes: Sex Differences in Occupational Context,” Social Forces 85,
no.4(2007):1735–64;andPamStone,OptingOut?WhyWomenReally
Quit Careers and Head Home (Berkeley: University of California Press,
2007).
6. Irene E. De Pater et al., “Challenging Experiences: Gender
DifferencesinTask Choice,”JournalofManagerialPsychology 24, no. 1
(2009):4–28.Inthisstudy,theauthorssurveyedclosetoonehundred
business school students about their internship experience. The survey
foundthatinconditionsof“higherdecisionlatitude,”whereinternshad

more control over the things they did during their internship, women
reportedhaving fewer challenging experiences. In Irene E. De Pater et
al., “Individual Task Choice and the Division of Challenging Tasks
BetweenMenandWomen,”Group&OrganizationManagement34,no.5
(2009):563–89,researchersfoundthatwhenpairsofmenandwomen
negotiatedover the assignment of tasks, men ended up with the more
challengingones.Forfindingsthatsuggestthatgenderedbeliefssuchas
“womenneedprotection”(benevolentsexism)impedewomen’saccessto
challengingtasks,seeEdenB.Kingetal.,“BenevolentSexismatWork:
Gender Differences in the Distribution of Challenging Developmental
Experiences,”JournalofManagement38,no.6(2012):1835–66.
7. Georges Desvaux, Sandrine Devillard-Hoellinger, and Mary C.
Meaney, “A Business Case for Women,” The McKinsey Quarterly
(September2008):4,http://www.rctaylor.com/Images/A_Business_Case_
for_Women.pdf.
8. Lloyds TSB found that their female employees tended not to put
themselvesupforpromotiondespitebeing8percentmorelikelytomeet
or surpass performance standards than their male colleagues. See
Desvaux, Devillard-Hoellinger, and Meaney, “A Business Case for
Women,”4.Studies on gender and promotionmostlyat the university
levelinEnglandandAustraliaalsofindthatwomenarehesitanttoput
themselvesupforpromotion,oftenbecausetheyundervaluetheirskills,
abilities, and work experience. See Anne Ross-Smith and Colleen
Chesterman, “ ‘Girl Disease’: Women Managers’ Reticence and
Ambivalence Towards Organizational Advancement,” Journal of
Management&Organization 15, no. 5 (2009): 582–95;Liz Doherty and
SimonettaManfredi,“Women’sProgressiontoSeniorPositionsinEnglish
Universities,”EmployeeRelations28,no.6(2006):553–72;andBelinda
Probert, “ ‘I Just Couldn’t Fit It In’: Gender and Unequal Outcomes in
AcademicCareers,”Gender,WorkandOrganization12,no.1(2005):50–
72.
9. Hannah Seligson, “Ladies, Take off Your Tiara!,” The Huffington
Post, February 20, 2007, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hannah-
seligson/ladies-take-off-your-tiar_b_41649.html.

5.AREYOUMYMENTOR?

1. Mentors provide advice, support, and feedback to their mentee.

Sponsors hold senior positions and use their influence and power to

advocateonbehalfoftheirmentee,suchaspushingtogetthementeea

stretch assignment or a promotion. For a discussion of the differences

between mentoring and sponsoring, see Herminia Ibarra, Nancy M.

Carter,and Christine Silva, “Why Men Still Get More Promotionsthan

Women,” Harvard Business Review 88, no. 9 (2010): 80–85; and Sylvia

Ann Hewlett et al., The Sponsor Effect: Breaking Through the Last Glass

Ceiling,aHarvardBusinessReviewResearchReport(December2010):5–

2. Studies have found that people who are mentoredand sponsored

report having more career success (such as higher compensation, a

greater number of promotions, greater career and job satisfaction, and

morecareercommitment).SeeTammyD.Allenetal.,“CareerBenefits

Associated with Mentoring for Protégés: A Meta-Analysis,” Journal of

AppliedPsychology89,no.1(2004):127–36.Astudyofseveralthousand

white collar workers with at least a bachelor’s degree found that

sponsorship seemed to encourage both men and women to ask for a

stretch assignment and a pay increase. Among the men surveyed who

hadasponsor,56percentwerelikelytoaskforastretchassignmentand

49percentwerelikelytoaskforapayraise.Incontrast,amongthemen

surveyed without a sponsor, only 43 percent were likely to ask for a

stretch assignment and 37 percent were likely to ask for a pay raise.

Amongthewomensurveyedwhohadasponsor,44percentwerelikely

toaskforastretchassignmentand38percentwerelikelytoaskfora

pay raise. In contrast, among the women surveyed without a sponsor,

only36percentwerelikelytoaskforastretchassignmentandonly30

percentwerelikelytoaskforapayraise.SeeHewlettetal.,TheSponsor

Effect,9–11.

3. For a discussion of the difficulties women can have with

mentorship, see Kimberly E. O’Brien et al., “A Meta-Analytic

Investigation of Gender Differences in Mentoring,” Journal of

Management 36, no. 2 (2010): 539–40. In general, men and women

receivesimilaramountsofmentoring,yetnotallmentoringprovidesthe

same types of benefits and rewards. For example, mentors who have
morepowerandswayintheirorganizations(typicallywhitemen)can
provide better career opportunities to their protégés than can mentors
whohavelesspower(oftenwomenandminorities).Researchindicates
thatmen,particularlywhitemen,tendtohavemoreinfluentialmentors
thanwomen(orminoritymen)have.ACatalyststudyfoundthatwhile
78percentofthemalebusinessprofessionalswerementoredbyaCEO
oranotherseniorexecutive,only69percentofthefemaleprofessionals
were mentored by those at the highest levels. This difference
disadvantages women because mentees with more senior mentors
reported faster career progression. See Ibarra, Carter, and Silva, “Why
MenStillGetMorePromotionsthanWomen,”80–85.AlsoseeGeorgeF.
DreherandTaylorH.CoxJr.,“Race,Gender,andOpportunity:AStudy
of Compensation Attainment and the Establishing of Mentoring
Relationships,”JournalofAppliedPsychology81,no.3(1996):297–308.
4.ThesurveybyHewlettetal.ofeducatedwhite-collarworkersfound
that 19 percent of men reported having sponsors as compared to 13
percentofwomen.SeeHewlettetal.,TheSponsorEffect,8–11.A2010
study of high-potential men and women found that in comparison to
their male counterparts, women were “overmentored and
undersponsored.”SeeIbarra,Carter,andSilva,“WhyMenStillGetMore
PromotionsthanWomen,”80–85.
5.RomilaSingh,BelleRoseRagins,andPhyllisTharenou,“WhoGets
a Mentor? A Longitudinal Assessment of the Rising Star Hypothesis,”
JournalofVocationalBehavior74,no.1(2009):11–17;andTammyD.
Allen, Mark L. Poteet, and Joyce E. A. Russell, “Protégé Selection by
Mentors:WhatMakestheDifference?,”JournalofOrganizationalBehavior
21,no.3(2000):271–82.
6. Alvin W. Gouldner, “The Norm of Reciprocity: A Preliminary
Statement,”AmericanSociologicalReview25,no.2(1960):161–78.
7. Tammy D. Allen, Mark L. Poteet, and Susan M. Burroughs, “The
Mentor’s Perspective: A Qualitative Inquiry and Future Research
Agenda,”JournalofVocationalBehavior51,no.1(1997):86.
8.Hewlettetal.,TheSponsorEffect,35.
9.Ibarra,Carter,andSilva,“WhyMenStillGetMorePromotionsthan

Women,”80–85.
6.SEEKANDSPEAKYOURTRUTH
1. Denise L. Loyd et al.,“Expertise in Your Midst:How Congruence
Between Status and Speech Style Affects Reactions to Unique
Knowledge,” Group Processes & Intergroup Relations 13, no. 3 (2010):
379–95; and Lawrence A. Hosman, “The Evaluative Consequences of
Hedges, Hesitations, and Intensifiers: Powerful and Powerless Speech
Styles,”HumanCommunicationResearch15,no.3(1989):383–406.Fora
reviewofhowpowershapesbehavior,seeDacherKeltner,DeborahH.
Gruenfeld, and Cameron Anderson, “Power, Approach, Inhibition,”
PsychologicalReview110,no.2(2003):265–84.Forareviewofgender
andspeech,seeCeciliaL.RidgewayandLynnSmith-Lovin,“TheGender
System and Interaction,” Annual Review of Sociology 25, no. 1 (1999):
202–3.
2. Bell Leadership Institute, Humor Gives Leaders the Edge (2012),
http://www.bellleadership.com/pressreleases/press_template.php?id=
15.
3.ResearchbyKimberlyD.Elsbach,professorofmanagementatthe
UniversityofCaliforniaatDavis,andhercolleaguesfoundthatmostof
thetimewhenwomencryatwork,theyreceivenegativereactionsfrom
colleagues and coworkers, unless the crying is related to a serious
personalissuesuchasadeathinthefamilyoradivorce.Cryingduringa
meetingorbecauseofprofessionalpressuresoradisagreementisviewed
as“unprofessional,”“disruptive,”“weak,”andeven“manipulative.”For
furtherdescriptionofProfessorElsbach’sfindings,seeJennaGoudreau,
“CryingatWork,aWoman’sBurden,”Forbes,January11,2011,http://
www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2011/01/11/crying-at-work-a-
womans-burden-study-men-sex-testosterone-tears-arousal/.
4. Marcus Buckingham, “Leadership Development in the Age of the
Algorithm,” Harvard Business Review 90, no. 6 (2012): 86–94; and Bill
Georgeetal.,“DiscoveringYourAuthenticLeadership,”HarvardBusiness
Review85,no.2(2007):129–38.

7.DON’TLEAVEBEFOREYOULEAVE

1.Ingeneral,researchonthistopicfindsthatalthoughyoungwomen

oftenreporthavingastrongcommitmenttoboththeirfuturecareerand

their future families, they anticipate that combining the two will be

difficultandrequire trade-offs. Janelle C. Fetterolf andAliceH. Eagly,

“Do Young Women Expect Gender Equality in Their Future Lives? An

Answer from a Possible Selves Experiment,” Sex Roles 65, nos. 1–2

(2011):83–93;ElizabethR.BrownandAmandaB.Diekman,“WhatWill

IBe?ExploringGenderDifferencesinNearandDistantPossibleSelves,”

SexRoles 63, nos. 7–8 (2010): 568–79; and Linda Stone and Nancy P.

McKee,“Gendered Futures: Student Visions ofCareer and Family on a

CollegeCampus,”Anthropology & EducationQuarterly31,no. 1 (2000):

67–89.

2. Lesley Lazin Novack and David R. Novack, “Being Female in the

Eighties and Nineties: Conflicts Between New Opportunities and

Traditional Expectations Among White, Middle Class, Heterosexual

CollegeWomen,”SexRoles35,nos.1–2(1996):67.NovackandNovack

found that if forced to choose between getting married or having a

career, 18 percent of the male students and 38 percent of the female

studentsin their study would choose getting married.They also found

that 67 percent of the male students and 49 percent of the female

students would choose having a career over getting married. Notably,

about22percentofthemenand15percentofthewomendeclinedto

answer this “marriage or career” question, with the majority creating

their own response of having both marriage and career. The authors

state that “many men found the choice of marriage or career

unacceptable, likely because historically they have been able to

experiencebothoptions.” Arecentsurveybythe PewResearchCenter

found that among young people ages eighteen to thirty-four, the

percentageofwomenstatingthat“havingasuccessfulmarriage”is“one

ofthemostimportantthings”intheirliveshasincreasedamongyoung

womenbutdecreasedamongyoungmensince1997.SeeEileenPatten

andKimParker,AGenderReversalonCareerAspirations, Pew Research

Center (April 2012), http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2012/04/19/a-

gender-reversal-on-career-aspirations/. Another recent study of young

people aged eighteen to thirty-one found that women had a higher
“drive to marry” than men. See Judith E. Owen Blakemore, Carol A.
Lawton,andLesaRaeVartanian,“ICan’tWaittoGetMarried:Gender
DifferencesinDrivetoMarry,”SexRoles53,nos.5–6(2005):327–35.
Foranotableexception,seeMindyJ.Erchulletal.,“Well…SheWants
It More: Perceptions of Social Norms About Desires for Marriage and
Children and Anticipated Chore Participation,” Psychology of Women
Quarterly34,no.2(2010):253–60,whichsurveyedcollegestudentsand
foundnodifferencebetweenmenandwomenintheirself-reportedlevel
ofdesiretomarry.
3.Forreviewsofstudiesaboutjobsatisfactionandturnover,seePetri
BöckermanandPekkaIlmakunnas,“JobDisamenities,JobSatisfaction,
Quit Intentions, and Actual Separations: Putting the Pieces Together,”
IndustrialRelations48,no.1(2009):73–96;andBrooksetal.,“Turnover
and Retention Research: A Glance at the Past, a Closer Review of the
Present, and a Venture into the Future,” The Academy of Management
Annals2,no.1(2008):231–74.
4. Caroline O’Connor, “How Sheryl Sandberg Helped Make One
Entrepreneur’s Big Decision,” Harvard Business Review Blog Network,
September 26, 2011, http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2011/09/how_sheryl_
sandberg_helped_mak.html.
5. Approximately 80 percent of women without children are in the
workforce.Ofwomenwithchildren,thatnumberdropsto70.6percent.
For men, having children increases workforce participation. About 86
percentofmenwithoutchildrenand94.6percentofmenwithchildren
areintheworkforce.Theselaborforceparticipationratesarebasedon
theemploymentratesofmenandwomenagedtwenty-fivetoforty-four,
with and without children underthe age of eighteen.Bureau of Labor
Statistics,“Table6A:EmploymentStatusofPersonsbyAge,Presenceof
Children, Sex, Race, Hispanic or Latino Ethnicity, and Marital Status,
Annual Average 2011,” Current Population Survey, Employment
Characteristics,unpublishedtable(2011).
6. Sylvia Ann Hewlett and Carolyn Buck Luce, “Off-Ramps and On-
Ramps: Keeping Talented Women on the Road to Success,” Harvard
BusinessReview83,no.3(2005):44.

7.DavidCotter,PaulaEngland,andJoanHermsen,“MomsandJobs:
Trends in Mothers’ Employment and Which Mothers Stay Home,” in
Families as They Really Are, ed. Barbara J. Risman (New York: W. W.
Norton,2010),416–24.Womenwhosehusbandsearnthe least (in the
bottomquarterofmaleearnings)arethegroupofwomenmostlikelyto
stay at home, followed by women whose husbands are in the top 5
percentofmaleearners.
8. The National Association of Child Care Resource & Referral
Agencies,ParentsandtheHighCostofChildCare:2010Update(2010),1,
http://eyeonkids.ca/docs/files/cost_report_073010-final.pdf.
9. Child Care Aware of America, Parents and the High Cost of Child
Care:2012Report(2012),7,http://www.naccrra.org/sites/default/files/
default_site_pages/2012/cost_report_2012_final_081012_0.pdf.
10. Youngjoo Cha, “Reinforcing Separate Spheres: The Effect of
Spousal Overwork on Men’s and Women’s Employment in Dual-Earner
Households,” American Sociological Review 75, no. 2 (2010): 318. This
studyalsofound that the oddsofquitting among professional mothers
whosehusbandsworksixtyhoursormoreaweekis112percentgreater
thanthoseofprofessionalmotherswhosehusbandsworklessthanfifty
hoursaweek.
11.Findingsfromthe2007surveyofHarvardBusinessSchool(HBS)
alumni were provided by the Career and Professional Development
Office at Harvard Business School to the author on October 15, 2012.
AnothersurveyofgraduateswithtwoormorechildrenofHBSclassesof
1981, 1985, and 1991 showed that more than 90 percent of male
graduates were in full-time careers compared with only 38 percent of
femalegraduates.FindingprovidedbyMyraM.Hart,professoremeritus
ofHarvardBusinessSchool,e-mailmessagetoresearcher,September23,
2012. The results from these HBS surveys may be influenced by the
disproportionately low response rate for women relative to men. Also,
these surveys were not designed to allow respondents to explain what
theyaredoingiftheyarenotemployedinafull-timecapacityforpay.
When respondents indicate that they are not working full-time, they
could still be actively involved in nonprofits and community
organizations or sitting on boards. It should be noted that women are
more likely than men to have career interruptions linked with having

children,prioritizingpersonalgoals,andmeetingfamilyresponsibilities.
Formoreonwomen’snonlinearcareerpaths,seeLisaA.Mainieroand
SherryE.Sullivan,“KaleidoscopeCareers:AnAlternateExplanationfor
the‘Opt-Out’Revolution,”TheAcademyofManagementExecutive19,no.
1(2005):106–23.
Otherresearchhasfoundthat the employment participation rates of
women vary across professions. A study of women from the Harvard
graduating classes of 1988 to 1991 found that fifteen years after
graduation,married women withchildren who had become M.D.shad
thehighestlaborforceparticipationrate(94.2%),whilemarriedwomen
withchildrenwhowentontogetotherdegreeshadmuchlowerlabor
forceparticipationrates:Ph.D.s(85.5%),J.D.s(77.6%),MBAs(71.7%).
Thesefindingssuggestprofessionalculturesplayaroleinwomen’srates
of employment. See Jane Leber Herr and Catherine Wolfram, “Work
Environment and ‘Opt-Out’ Rates at Motherhood Across Higher-
EducationCareerPaths”(November2011),http://faculty.haas.berkeley.
edu/wolfram/Papers/OptOut_ILRRNov11.pdf.
12.ThissurveyofYalealumnifromtheclassesof1979,1984,1989,
and1994wasconductedin2000ascitedinLouiseStory,“ManyWomen
at Elite Colleges Set Career Path to Motherhood,” New York Times,
September 20, 2005, http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/20/national/
20women.html?pagewanted=all.
13.AmySennett,“WorkandFamily:LifeAfterPrincetonfortheClass
of 2006” (July 2006), http://www.princeton.edu/~paw/archive_new/
PAW05–06/15–0719/features_familylife.html.
14.HewlettandLuce,“Off-RampsandOn-Ramps,”46.
15.StephenJ.RoseandHeidiI.Hartmann,StillaMan’sLaborMarket:
The Long-Term Earnings Gap, Institute for Women’s Policy Research
(2004), 10, http://www.aecf.org/upload/publicationfiles/fes3622h767.
pdf.
16.Ibid.
17.HewlettandLuce,“Off-RampsandOn-Ramps,”46.
8.MAKEYOURPARTNERAREALPARTNER

1.MelissaA.Milkie,SaraB.Raley,andSuzanneM.Bianchi,“Taking
ontheSecondShift:TimeAllocationsandTimePressuresofU.S.Parents
withPreschoolers,”SocialForces88,no.2(2009):487–517.
2. Scott S. Hall and Shelley M. MacDermid, “A Typology of Dual
EarnerMarriagesBasedonWorkandFamilyArrangements,”Journalof
FamilyandEconomicIssues30,no.3(2009):220.
3.Between1965and2000,theamountoftimeperweekthatmarried
fathers spent on child care almost tripled and the amount of time
married fathers spent on housework more than doubled. In 1965,
marriedfathersspent2.6hoursperweekonchildcare.In2000,married
fathers spent 6.5 hours per week on child care. Most of this increase
occurredafter1985.In1965,marriedfathersspentabout4.5hoursper
weekonhousework.In2000,marriedfathersspentalmost10hoursper
weekonhousework.Thelargestincreaseinthetimespentonhousework
tookplacebetween1965and1985.Theamountoftimemarriedfathers
spendeachweekdoinghouseworkhasnotincreasedmuchsince1985.
See Suzanne M. Bianchi, John P. Robinson, and Melissa A. Milkie,
Changing Rhythms of American Family Life (New York: Russell Sage
Foundation, 2006). Analysis done by Hook (2006) of twenty countries
foundthatbetween1965and2003,employed,marriedfathersincreased
theamountofunpaiddomesticworktheyperformedbyaboutsixhours
perweek.SeeJenniferL.Hook,“CareinContext:Men’sUnpaidWorkin
20 Countries, 1965–2003,” American Sociological Review 71, no. 4
(2006):639–60.
4.LetitiaAnnePeplauandLeahR.Spalding,“TheCloseRelationships
of Lesbians, Gay Men, and Bisexuals,” in Close Relationships: A
Sourcebook, ed. Clyde A. Hendrick and Susan S. Hendrick (Thousand
Oaks, CA: Sage, 2000), 111–24; and Sondra E. Solomon, Esther D.
Rothblum, and Kimberly F. Balsam, “Money, Housework, Sex, and
Conflict:Same-SexCouplesinCivilUnions,ThoseNot in Civil Unions,
and Heterosexual Married Siblings,” Sex Roles 52, nos. 9–10 (2005):
561–75.
5. Lynda Laughlin, Who’s Minding the Kids? Child Care Arrangements:
Spring2005andSummer2006,U.S.CensusBureau,CurrentPopulation
Reports, P70–121 (August 2010), 1. For a commentary, see K.J.
Dell’Antonia,“TheCensusBureauCountsFathersas‘ChildCare,’”New

York Times, February 8, 2012, http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/
2012/02/08/the-census-bureau-counts-fathers-as-child-care/.
6.Laughlin,Who’sMindingtheKids?,7–9.
7. Maria Shriver, “Gloria Steinem,” Interview, July 15, 2011, http://
www.interviewmagazine.com/culture/gloria-steinem/.
8. For a review of studies on maternal gatekeeping, see Sarah J.
Schoppe-Sullivan et al., “Maternal Gatekeeping, Coparenting Quality,
and Fathering Behavior in Families with Infants,” Journal of Family
Psychology22,no.3(2008):389–90.
9. Sarah M. Allen and Alan J. Hawkins, “Maternal Gatekeeping:
Mothers’BeliefsandBehaviorsThatInhibitGreaterFatherInvolvement
inFamilyWork,”JournalofMarriageandFamily61,no.1(1999):209.
10.RichardL.ZweigenhaftandG.WilliamDomhoff,TheNewCEOs:
Women,African American, Latino and Asian American Leaders of Fortune
500Companies(Lanham,MD:Rowman&Littlefield,2011),28–29.
11. James B. Stewart, “A C.E.O.’s Support System, a k a Husband,”
NewYorkTimes,November4,2011,http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/
05/business/a-ceos-support-system-a-k-a-husband.html?
pagewanted=all.
12. Pamela Stone, Opting Out? Why Women Really Quit Careers and
HeadHome(Berkeley:UniversityofCaliforniaPress,2007),62.
13.Stewart,“AC.E.O.’sSupportSystem.”
14.Forathoroughreview,seeMichaelE.Lamb,TheRoleoftheFather
inChildDevelopment(Hoboken,NJ:JohnWiley&Sons,2010);andAnna
Sarkadi et al., “Fathers’ Involvement and Children’s Developmental
Outcomes: A Systematic Review of Longitudinal Studies,” Acta
Paediatrica97,no.2(2008):153–58.
15. Elisabeth Duursma, Barbara Alexander Pan, and Helen Raikes,
“Predictors and Outcomes of Low-Income Fathers’ Reading with Their
Toddlers,”EarlyChildhoodResearchQuarterly23,no.3(2008):351–65;
JosephH.PleckandBrianP.Masciadrelli,“PaternalInvolvementinU.S.
ResidentialFathers:Levels,Sources,and Consequences,”inTheRoleof
theFatherinChildDevelopment,ed.MichaelE.Lamb(Hoboken,NJ:John
Wiley & Sons, 2004): 222–71; Ronald P. Rohner and Robert A.

Veneziano,“TheImportanceofFatherLove:HistoryandContemporary

Evidence,” Review of General Psychology 5, no. 4 (2001): 382–405; W.

Jean Yeung, “Fathers: An Overlooked Resource for Children’s

EducationalSuccess,”inAftertheBell—FamilyBackground,PublicPolicy,

andEducationalSuccess,ed.DaltonConleyandKarenAlbright(London:

Routledge, 2004), 145–69; and Lois W. Hoffman and Lise M.

Youngblade, Mothers at Work: Effects on Children’s Well-Being

(Cambridge:CambridgeUniversityPress,1999).

16. For a review of studies on the impact of fathers on children’s

emotional and social development, see Rohner and Veneziano, “The

ImportanceofFatherLove,”392.

17. Robyn J. Ely and Deborah L. Rhode, “Women and Leadership:

DefiningtheChallenges,”inHandbookofLeadershipTheoryandPractice,

ed.NitinNohriaandRakeshKhurana(Boston:HarvardBusinessSchool

Publishing, 2010), 377–410; and Deborah L. Rhode and Joan C.

Williams, “Legal Perspectives on Employment Discrimination,” in Sex

DiscriminationintheWorkplace:MultidisciplinaryPerspectives,ed.FayeJ.

Crosby, Margaret S. Stockdale, and S. Ann Ropp (Malden, MA:

Blackwell,2007),235–70.Asurveyoffifty-threeFortune100companies

foundthat73.6percentofferedmotherspaidfamilyordisabilityleave,

but only 32.1 percent offered fathers paid family leave. See Joint

EconomicCommitteeoftheU.S.Congress,PaidFamilyLeaveatFortune

100 Companies: A Basic Standard but Still Not a Gold Standard (March

2008),6.

18.Thefivestatesthathaveshort-termdisabilityinsuranceprograms

thatprovidepaidmedicalleaveforbirthmothersareCalifornia,Hawaii,

New Jersey, New York, and Rhode Island. California and New Jersey

also provide six weeks of paid leave that can be used by either the

motherorthefather.ThestateofWashingtonhaspassedapaidparental

leave law but has been unable to implement it due to budgetary

constraints. See National Partnership for Women & Families, Expecting

Better: A State-by-State Analysis of Laws That Help New Parents (May

2012).

19. A surveyof nearly one thousand fathersworking in white-collar

jobsforlargecompaniesfoundthatabout75percentofthemtookonly

one week off or less when their partners had a baby and 16 percent

didn’ttakeanytimeoffatall.See Brad Harrington,FredVanDeusen,
and Beth Humberd, The New Dad: Caring, Committed and Conflicted,
Boston College, Center for Work & Family (2011): 14–15. A report on
California’snewpaid familyleavepolicyfoundthatfatherswhomade
useofthepolicytookamedianofthreeweeksofftocareforandbond
withtheirbabies.SeeEileenApplebaumandRuthMilkman,LeavesThat
Pay:EmployerandWorkerExperienceswithPaidFamilyLeaveinCalifornia,
CenterforEconomicandPolicyResearch(January2011),18.
20.JoanC.WilliamsandHeatherBoushey,TheThreeFacesofWork-
FamilyConflict:ThePoor,TheProfessionals,andtheMissingMiddle,Center
forAmericanProgressandCenterforWorkLifeLaw(January2010),54–
55, http://www.americanprogress.org/issues/2010/01/three_faces_
report.html.
21. Laurie A. Rudman and Kris Mescher, “Penalizing Men Who
Request a Family Leave: Is Flexibility Stigma a Femininity Stigma?,”
JournalofSocialIssues,forthcoming.
22.JenniferL.BerhdahlandSueH.Moon,“WorkplaceMistreatment
of Middle-Class Workers Based on Sex, Parenthood, and Caregiving,”
JournalofSocialIssues,forthcoming;AdamB.ButlerandAmieSkattebo,
“What Is Acceptable for Women May Not Be for Men: The Effect of
Family Conflicts with Work on Job-Performance Ratings,” Journal of
OccupationalandOrganizationPsychology77,no.4(2004):553–64;Julie
Holliday Wayne and Bryanne L. Cordeiro, “Who Is a Good
OrganizationalCitizen?SocialPerceptionofMaleandFemaleEmployees
Who Use Family Leave,” Sex Roles 49, nos. 5–6 (2003): 233–46; and
Tammy D. Allen and Joyce E. A. Russell, “Parental Leave of Absence:
Some Not So Family-Friendly Implications,” Journal of Applied Social
Psychology29,no.1(1999):166–91.
23.In2011,fathersmadeup3.4percentofstay-at-homeparents.See
U.S.CensusBureau,“TableSHP-1ParentsandChildreninStay-at-Home
ParentFamilyGroups:1994toPresent,”America’sFamiliesandLiving
Arrangements,CurrentPopulationSurvey,AnnualSocialandEconomic
Supplement (2011), http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?
q=cache:ffg107mTTwAJ:www.census.gov/population/socdemo/hhfam/
shp1.xls+&cd=3&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us. For a review of research
aboutthesocialisolationofstay-at-homefathers,seeBradHarrington,

FredVanDeusen,andIyarMazar,TheNewDad:RightatHome,Boston
College,CenterforWork&Family(2012),6.
24.Astudyof207stay-at-homefathersfoundthatabout45percentof
them reported receiving a negative comment or judgmental reaction
fromanotheradult.Thesourceofthevastmajorityofthesederogatory
comments and reactions was stay-at-home mothers. See Aaron B.
Rochlen, Ryan A. McKelley, and Tiffany A. Whittaker, “Stay-at-Home
Fathers’ Reasons for Entering the Role and Stigma Experiences: A
PreliminaryReport,”PsychologyofMen&Masculinity11,no.4(2010):
282.
25.In2010,wivesearnedmorethantheirhusbandsin29.2percentof
familiesinwhichbothwivesandhusbandshadearnings.SeeBureauof
LaborStatistics,WivesWhoEarnMoreThanTheirHusbands,1987–2010,
1988–2011, Annual Social and Economic Supplements to the Current
Population Survey, http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?
q=cache:r-eatNjOmLsJ:www.bls.gov/cps/wives_earn_more.xls+&
cd=7&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us.
26. The Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative, Porn for
Women(SanFrancisco:ChronicleBooks,2007).
27. For a review see Scott Coltrane, “Research on Household Labor:
ModelingandMeasuringSocialEmbeddednessofRoutineFamilyWork,”
JournalofMarriageandFamily62,no.4(2000):1208–33.
28. Lynn Price Cook, “ ‘Doing’ Gender in Context: Household
Bargaining and Risk of Divorce in Germany and the United States,”
AmericanJournalofSociology112,no.2(2006):442–72.
29. Scott Coltrane, Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework, and Gender
Equality(Oxford:OxfordUniversityPress,1996).
30. For a discussion of earnings and bargaining power in the
household,seeFrancesWoolley,“ControlOverMoneyinMarriage,”in
MarriageandtheEconomy:TheoryandEvidencefromAdvancedIndustrial
Societies, ed. Shoshana A. Grossbard-Shechtman and Jacob Mincer
(Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2003), 105–28; and Leora
Friedberg and Anthony Webb, “Determinants and Consequences of
Bargaining Power in Households,” NBER Working Paper 12367 (July
2006), http://www.nber.org/papers/w12367. For research on

employment mitigating the financial consequences of divorce for
women, see Matthew McKeever and Nicholas H. Wolfinger,
“Reexamining the Economic Costs of Marital Disruption for Women,”
Social Science Quarterly 82, no. 1 (2001): 202–17. For a discussion of
women, longevity, and financial security, see Laura L. Carstensen, A
LongBrightFuture:AnActionPlanforaLifetimeofHappiness,Health,and
FinancialSecurity(NewYork:BroadwayBooks,2009).
31.ConstanceT.GagerandScottT.Yabiku,“WhoHastheTime?The
Relationship Between Household Labor Time and Sexual Frequency,”
Journal of Family Issues 31, no. 2 (2010): 135–63; Neil Chethik, Voice
Male:WhatHusbandsReallyThinkAboutTheirMarriages,TheirWives,Sex,
Housework,andCommitment(NewYork:Simon&Schuster,2006);andK.
V. Rao and Alfred DeMaris, “Coital Frequency Among Married and
CohabitatingCouples in the United States,” Journal of Biosocial Science
27,no.2(1995):135–50.
32.SanjivGupta,“TheConsequencesofMaternalEmploymentDuring
Men’s Childhood for Their Adult Housework Performance,” Gender &
Society20,no.1(2006):60–86.
33.RichardW.JohnsonandJoshuaM.Wiener,AProfileofFrailOlder
Americans and Their Caregivers, Occasional Paper Number 8, The
RetirementProject,UrbanInstitute(February2006),http://www.urban.
org/UploadedPDF/311284_older_americans.pdf.
34.GloriaSteinem,“GloriaSteinemonProgressandWomen’sRights,”
interviewbyOprahWinfrey,Oprah’sNextChapter,YouTubevideo,3:52
minutes,April16,2012,publishedbyOprahWinfreyNetwork,http://
www.youtube.com/watch?v=orrmWHnFjqI&feature=relmfu.
35.Thissurveyofjustoveronethousandadultsfoundthat80percent
ofmenintheirfortiessaidthat“doingworkwhichchallengesmetouse
myskillsandabilities”wasveryimportanttothem.Amongmenintheir
twentiesandthirties,thesurveyfoundthat82percentofthemsaidthat
“having a work schedule which allows me to spend time with my
family”wasveryimportanttothem.SeeRadcliffePublicPolicyCenter,
Life’s Work: Generational Attitudes Toward Work and Life Integration
(Cambridge,MA:RadcliffePublicPolicyCenter,2000).

9.THEMYTHOFDOINGITALL
1. Sharon Poczter, “For Women in the Workplace, It’s Time to
Abandon ‘Have it All’ Rhetoric,” Forbes, June 25, 2012, http://www.
forbes.com/sites/realspin/2012/06/25/for-women-in-the-workplace-its-
time-to-abandon-have-it-all-rhetoric/.
2.U.S.CensusBureau,“TableFG1MarriedCoupleFamilyGroups,by
LaborForceStatusofBothSpouses,andRaceandHispanicOriginofthe
ReferencePerson,”America’sFamiliesandLivingArrangements,Current
Population Survey, Annual Social and Economic Supplement (2011),
http://www.census.gov/hhes/families/data/cps2011.html.
3. U.S. Census Bureau, “Table FG10 Family Groups,” America’s
Families and Living Arrangements, Current Population Survey, Annual
SocialandEconomicSupplement(2011),http://www.census.gov/hhes/
families/data/cps2011.html. Calculation derived by focusing on all
familygroupswithchildrenundereighteen.
4.TinaFey,Bossypants(NewYork:Little,Brown,2011),256.
5.GloriaSteinem,“GloriaSteinemonProgressandWomen’sRights,”
interviewbyOprahWinfrey,Oprah’sNextChapter,YouTubevideo,3:52
minutes,April16,2012,publishedbyOprahWinfreyNetwork,http://
www.youtube.com/watch?v=orrmWHnFjqI&feature=relmfu.
6. Beth Saulnier, “Meet the Dean,” Weill Cornell Medicine Magazine,
Spring2012,25.
7. Jennifer Stuart, “Work and Motherhood: Preliminary Report of a
Psychoanalytic Study,” The Psychoanalytic Quarterly 76, no. 2 (2007):
482.
8. Nora Ephron, 1996 commencement address, Wellesley College,
http://new.wellesley.edu/events/commencementarchives/
1996commencement.
9. Robyn J. Ely and Deborah L. Rhode, “Women and Leadership:
DefiningtheChallenges,”inHandbookofLeadershipTheoryandPractice,
ed.NitinNohriaandRakeshKhurana(Boston:HarvardBusinessSchool
Publishing, 2010), 377–410; Deborah L. Rhode and Joan C. Williams,
“Legal Perspectives on Employment Discrimination,” in Sex
DiscriminationintheWorkplace:MultidisciplinaryPerspectives,ed.FayeJ.

Crosby, Margaret S. Stockdale, and S. Ann Ropp (Malden, MA:
Blackwell,2007),235–70;andAnnCrittenden,ThePriceofMotherhood:
Why the Most Important Job in the World Is Still the Least Valued (New
York:MetropolitanBooks,2001).
10. Pamela Stone, Opting Out? Why Women Really Quit Careers and
Head Home (Berkeley: University of California Press, 2007); Leslie A.
Perlow, “Boundary Control: The Social Ordering of Work and Family
Time in a High-Tech Corporation,” Administrative Science Quarterly 43,
no.2(1998):328–57;andArlieRussellHochschild,TheTimeBind:When
WorkBecomesHome andHomeBecomesWork(NewYork:Metropolitan
Books,1997). Joan Williams, a law professor andfounding director of
the Center for WorkLife Law at the University of California, Hastings
CollegeoftheLaw,referstothesepenaltiesas“flexibilitystigma.”
11. Jennifer Glass, “Blessing or Curse? Work-Family Policies and
Mother’s Wage Growth over Time,” Work and Occupations 31, no. 3
(2004):367–94;andMindyFried,TakingTime:ParentalLeavePolicyand
Corporate Culture (Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 1998).
Depending on the type of flexible work practice, women in
nonprofessional jobs can pay steep penalties as well. For example,
Webber and Williams (2008) examined two groups of mothers
(professional and low-wage workers) and found that both groups
experiencedpenaltiesforworkingpart-time(lesspay,demotions,etc.).
See Gretchen Webber and Christine Williams, “Mothers in ‘Good’ and
‘Bad’Part-TimeJobs:DifferentProblems,SameResult,”Gender&Society
22,no.6(2008):752–77.
12.NicholasBloometal.,“DoesWorkingfromHomeWork?Evidence
from a Chinese Experiment” (July 2012), http://www.stanford.edu/
~nbloom/WFH.pdf. New research also suggests that work from home
practices like telecommuting can have downsides such as increasing
workhoursandintensifyingworkdemandsmadeuponemployees.See
Mary C. Noonan and Jennifer L. Glass, “The Hard Truth About
Telecommuting,”MonthlyLaborReview135,no.6(2012):38–45.
13. New research suggests that working long hours reduces
productivity.HarvardBusinessSchoolprofessorLeslieA.Perlowfound
thatbyforcingconsultantsattheBostonConsultingGrouptoworkless,
theybecamemoreeffective.Toenableoneschedulednightoffperweek,

Perlowhadtheworkteamsengageinopenandhonestcommunication
so they could divvy up work more efficiently. She also had the work
teamsdeviseplansandshareinformationsothattheconsultantscould
cover for one another during their night off. As a result of these
relatively small changes, the consultants felt better about both their
work and their work-life balance. Consultants and their supervisors
evaluated their work more highly. Fewer people quit. Team
communication improved. And a larger share of consultants who took
timeawayfromworkfeltliketheyweredeliveringvaluetotheirclient
compared with the share of consultants who continued to work very
long hours. See Leslie Perlow, Sleeping with Your Smartphone: How to
Break the 24/7 Habit and Change the Way You Work (Boston: Harvard
BusinessReviewPress,2012).
14. Colin Powell with Tony Koltz, It Worked For Me: In Life and
Leadership(NewYork:HarperCollins,2012),40.
15.JoanC.WilliamsandHeatherBoushey,TheThreeFacesofWork-
FamilyConflict:ThePoor,TheProfessionals,andtheMissingMiddle,Center
forAmericanProgressandCenterforWorkLifeLaw(January2010),7.
http://www.americanprogress.org/issues/2010/01/three_faces_report.
html.
16.EconomicPolicyInstitute,“Chart:AnnualHoursofWork,Married
MenandWomen,25–54,withChildren,1979–2010,byIncomeFifth,”
The State of Working America, http://stateofworkingamerica.org/chart/
swa-income-table-2–17-annual-hours-work-married/. Assuming a fifty-
weekworkyear,middle-incomemarriedmenandwomenwithchildren
worked428morehoursin2010thanin1979,oranaverageof8.6more
hoursperweek.
While some groups of Americans may have too much work to do,
other groups, particularly low-wage, less-skilled workers do not have
enough. Sociologists refer to this trend as the “growing dispersion” of
workhoursbetweenmoreandlesseducatedworkers.Formoreonthe
dispersionofwork hours,seeArneL.Kallenberg,GoodJobs, Bad Jobs:
The Rise of Polarized and Precarious Employment Systems in the United
States,1970sto2000s(NewYork:RussellSageFoundation,2011),152–
54; and Jerry A. Jacobs and Kathleen Gerson, The Time Divide: Work,
Family, Gender Inequality (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press,

2004).
17. Peter Kuhn and Fernando Lozano, “The Expanding Workweek?
Understanding Trends in Long Work Hours Among U.S. Men, 1979–
2006,” Journal of Labor Economics 26, no. 2 (2008): 311–43; Cynthia
Fuchs Epstein and Arne L. Kalleberg, eds., Fighting for Time: Shifting
BoundariesofWorkandSocialLife(NewYork:RussellSageFoundation,
2004).
18. Sylvia Ann Hewlett and Carolyn Buck Luce, “Extreme Jobs: The
Dangerous Allure of the 70-Hour Workweek,” Harvard Business Review
84,no.12(2006):51.
19.SarahPerez,“80%ofAmericansWork‘AfterHours,’Equalingan
Extra Day of Work Per Week,” Techcrunch, July 2, 2012, http://
techcrunch.com/2012/07/02/80-of-americans-work-after-hours-
equaling-an-extra-day-of-work-per-week/.
20. Bronwyn Fryer, “Sleep Deficit: The Performance Killer,” Harvard
BusinessReview84,no.10(2006):53–59,http://hbr.org/2006/10/sleep-
deficit-the-performance-killer. For reviews on the cognitive impact of
insufficient sleep, see Paula A. Alhola and Paivi Polo-Kantola, “Sleep
Deprivation:ImpactonCognitivePerformance,”NeuropsychiatricDisease
andTreatment3,no.5(2007):553–67;andJeffreyS.DurmerandDavid
F.Dinges,“NeurocognitiveConsequencesofSleepDeprivation,”Seminars
inNeurology25,no.1(2005):117–29.
21.SuzanneM.Bianchi,JohnP.Robinson,andMelissaA.Milkie,The
Changing Rhythms of American Family Life (New York: Russell Sage
Foundation, 2006), 74–77. This study of the amount of time parents
reporttakingcareoftheirchildrenfindsthatin2000bothemployedand
nonemployed mothers spent, on average, almost 6.5 more hours per
weekon caregiving than their counterparts reported in 1975. Findings
like these lead the authors to conclude, “It is as if a cultural shift
occurred that propelled all mothers toward spending more time with
theirchildren”(p.78).Theincreaseintheamountoftimeparentsspend
withtheirchildrenislargelyexplainedbyparentscombiningcaregiving
and leisure activities, which means that “either child care has become
moreorientedtowardfunactivities,orthatparentsaremorefrequently
including children in their own leisure activities” (p. 85). This move

away from adult-only leisure activities combined with an increase in
multitasking while spending free time with children points to a
willingnessamong parents to sacrifice personaltime in order to spend
moretimewiththeirchildren.A2009studyfoundthatincomparisonto
nonemployedmothers,full-time employedmothersspendlesstimeper
weekineveryleisureactivityrangingfromTVwatchingtocommunity
andsocializingactivities,resultingintenlesshoursofleisuretimeper
week.Asopposedtomothers,thereislittledifferenceintheamountof
leisure time between fathers with wives who work full-time versus
fatherswithwiveswhoworklessthanfull-time.SeeMelissaA.Milkie,
Sara B. Raley, and Suzanne M. Bianchi, “Taking on the Second Shift:
TimeAllocationsandTimePressuresofU.S.ParentswithPreschoolers,”
SocialForces88,no.2(2009):487–517.
22. Sharon Hays, The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood (New
Haven,CT:YaleUniversityPress,1996).
23.TheNICHDEarlyChildCareResearchNetwork,ed.,ChildCareand
ChildDevelopment:ResultsfromtheNICHDStudyofEarlyChildCareand
YouthDevelopment(NewYork:Guilford,2005).
24. National Institute of Child Health and Human Development,
FindingsforChildrenuptoAge4½Years,TheNICHDStudyofEarlyChild
CareandYouthDevelopment,NIHPub.No.05–4318(2006),1,http://
www.nichd.nih.gov/publications/pubs/upload/seccyd_06.pdf.
25.Ibid.;seealsoNICHDEarlyChildCareResearchNetwork,“Child-
Care Effect Sizes for the NICHD Study of Early Child Care and Youth
Development,”AmericanPsychologist61,no.2(2006):99–116.Insome
cases, the U.S. study showed that children who spent longer hours in
child care exhibited higher instances of behavioral problems such as
temper tantrums or talking back. These problems arose less often in
high-qualitychildcaresettingsandlargelysubsidedbythesixthgrade.
As Kathleen McCartney, dean of the Harvard Graduate School of
Education and a principal investigator of the study, noted, “The child
care hours effect is small by any standard. Any risks associated with
more hours in child care need to be weighed against the benefits of
maternal employment, including decreased maternal depression and
more family income” (e-mail to author, February 26, 2012). For a
discussion of these findings and issues, see Kathleen McCartney et al.,

“TestingaSeriesofCausalPropositionsRelatingTimeinChildCareto

Children’s Externalizing Behavior,” Development Psychology 46, no. 1

(2010): 1–17. For a meta-analysis of maternal employment and

children’s achievement, see Wendy Goldberg et al., “Maternal

EmploymentandChildren’sAchievementinContext:AMeta-Analysisof

FourDecadesofResearch,”PsychologicalBulletin134,no.1(2008):77–

108.

Scholarshavenotedthatwhilethepreponderanceofevidenceshows

that maternal employment has no adverse effect on young children’s

development, maternal employment in the first year of life has been

linkedwithlowercognitivedevelopment andbehaviorissuesforsome

children.Severalfactorsmoderatethesefindings,rangingfromthelevel

ofparentalsensitivitytothequalityofthecarebabiesreceive.SeeJane

Waldfogel, “Parental Work Arrangements and Child Development,”

CanadianPublicPolicy33,no.2(2007):251–71.

Whether care is provided by a parent or another caregiver, studies

consistently find that it is the quality of the caretaking that matters

most. Children needto receivecare that is sensitiveand responsive to

their particular needs. For a discussion, see Jane Waldfogel, What

ChildrenNeed(Cambridge,MA:HarvardUniversityPress,2006).

26. National Institute of Child Health and Human Development,

Findings for Children up to Age 4½ Years; National Institute of Child

Health and Human Development Early Child Care and Research

Network, “Fathers’ and Mothers’ Parenting Behavior and Beliefs as

Predictors of Children’s Social Adjustment and Transition to School,”

JournalofFamilyPsychology18,no.4(2004):628–38.

27.NICHDEarlyChildCareandResearchNetwork,“Child-CareEffect

Sizes,”113.

28.AUKstudyofeleventhousandchildrenrevealedthatthechildren

who demonstrated the highest measures of well-being came from

familiesinwhichbothparentsworkedoutsidethehome.Controllingfor

maternal education and household income, children from two-job

families, especially girls, had the fewest number of behavioral

difficulties,suchasbeinghyperactive orfeelingunhappyandworried.

See Anne McMunn et al., “Maternal Employment and Child Socio-

Emotional Behavior in the UK: Longitudinal Evidence from the UK
MillenniumCohortStudy,”JournalofEpidemiology&CommunityHealth
66,no.7(2012):1–6.
29. Robin W. Simon, “Gender, Multiple Roles, Role Meaning, and
MentalHealth,”JournalofHealthandSocialBehavior36,no.2(1995):
182–94.
30.Marie C. Wilson,Closing the Leadership Gap: Add Women, Change
Everything(NewYork:Penguin,2007),58.
31. Melanie Rudd, Jennifer Aaker, and Michael I. Norton, “Leave
ThemSmiling:HowSmallActsCreateMoreHappinessthanLargeActs,”
working paper (2011), http://faculty-gsb.stanford.edu/aaker/pages/
documents/LeaveThemSmiling_RuddAakerNorton12–16–11.pdf.
32. Mary C. Curtis, “There’s More to Sheryl Sandberg’s Secret,”
WashingtonPost,April4,2012,http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/
she-the-people/post/theres-more-to-sheryl-sandbergs-secret/2012/04/
04/gIQAGhZsvS_blog.html.
10.LET’SSTARTTALKINGABOUTIT
1.GloriaSteinem,“InDefenseofthe‘Chick-Flick,’”Alternet,July6,
2007, http://www.alternet.org/story/56219/gloria_steinem%3A_in_
defense_of_the_‘chick_flick’.
2. Marianne Cooper, “The New F-Word,” Gender News, February 28,
2011,http://gender.stanford.edu/news/2011/new-f-word.
3. Susan Faludi, Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American
Women(NewYork:Crown,1991).
4.RichardH.ThalerandCassR.Sunstein,Nudge:ImprovingDecisions
About Health, Wealth, and Happiness (New Haven, CT: Yale University
Press,2008).
5. Corinne A. Moss-Racusin et al., “Science Faculty’s Subtle Gender
Biases Favor Male Students,” Proceedings of the National Academy of
SciencesoftheUnitedStatesofAmerica109,no.41(2012):16474–79.
6. For a study on job applicants, see Rhea E. Steinpreis, Katie A.
Anders, and Dawn Ritzke, “The Impact of Gender on the Review of

Curricula Vitae of Job Applicants and Tenure Candidates: A National

EmpiricalStudy,”SexRoles41,nos.7–8(1999):509–28.Forastudyon

genderbiasandscholarships,seeChristineWenneråsandAgnesWold,

“NepotismandSexisminPeerReview,”Nature387(1997):341–43.For

the study on bias in orchestra tryouts, see Claudia Goldin and Cecilia

Rouse, “Orchestrating Impartiality: The Impact of ‘Blind’ Auditions on

Female Musicians,” The American Economic Review 90, no. 4 (2000):

715–41.

7.EconomistsClaudiaGoldinandCeciliaRouseexaminedthehiring

practices among top orchestras in the United States and found that

changingtoblindauditions,inwhichjudgescouldhearbutnotseethe

applicant,reduceddiscriminationagainstwomen.Theyestimatethatthe

switchtoblindauditionsaccountsfor30percentoftheincreaseinthe

proportion of women among new hires. See Goldin and Rouse,

“OrchestratingImpartiality,”715–41.

8. Emily Pronin, Thomas Gilovich, and Lee Ross, “Objectivity in the

Eye of the Beholder: Divergent Perceptions of Bias in Self Versus

Others,”PsychologicalReview111,no.3(2004):781–99;EmilyPronin,

DanielY.Lin,andLeeRoss,“TheBiasBlindSpot:PerceptionsofBiasin

Self Versus Others,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 28, no. 3

(2002):369–81.

9. Eric Luis Uhlmann and Geoffrey L. Cohen, “Constructed Criteria:

RedefiningMerittoJustifyDiscrimination,”PsychologicalScience16,no.

6(2005):474–80.Overall,thisstudyfoundthatwhenamanpossesseda

particularcharacteristicortrait, thenthatqualitywasratedasamore

important hiring criterion than when he did not possess that quality.

Even typically female qualities such as “being family oriented” or

“havingchildren”wereratedasmoreimportanthiringcriteriawhena

manhadthesequalitiesthanwhenhedidnot.Thiskindoffavoritism

was not shown toward the female applicant. In fact, when it came to

possessingastrongeducationalrecord,thestudyfoundatrendtoward

the reverse in that when a female applicant had a strong educational

record that quality was rated as a less important hiring criterion then

when she did not possess a strong educational record. However, this

reversaltrenddidnotreachstatisticalsignificance.

This study found that evaluators redefine hiring criteria for gender-

stereotypicaljobstomatchthespecificexperiencesandcredentialsthat

a candidate of the desired gender happens to possess. For the

stereotypicallymalejobofpolicechief,themalecandidatewasfavored.

But when the authors conducted the same kind of experiment for a

stereotypically female job of women’s studies professor, the female

applicant got a boost. In this case, having a strong record of public

advocacy on women’s issues was rated an important hiring criterion

when the female candidate had the strong record and not important

when the female candidate did not have a strong record. No such

favoritismwasextendedtothemalecandidate.Otherresearchsupports

the idea that evaluators can subtly shift the criteria they base their

hiring decision upon to the detriment of gender-or racial-atypical

candidates. For example, a 2008 study by Phelan et al. examined the

hiring criteria used to evaluate male and female agentic (highly

competent, confident, ambitious) or communal (modest, sociable)

managerial job applicants. The results found that evaluators “weighed

competence more heavily than social skills for all applicants, with the

exceptionofagenticwomen,whosesocialskillsweregivenmoreweight

thancompetence.”Theauthorsconcludethat“evaluatorsshiftedthejob

criteriaawayfromagenticwomen’sstrongsuit(competence)andtoward

theirperceiveddeficit(socialskills)tojustifydiscrimination.”

Uhlmann and Cohen report that in the police chief experiment the

pro-male bias was driven largely by the male evaluators. While both

maleandfemaleevaluatorstendedtoconstructhiringcriteriafavorable

tothemalecandidate,menexhibitedthisbias more. When it cameto

hiringevaluations,maleevaluatorsgavemorepositiveevaluationstothe

maleapplicantthantotheidenticalfemaleapplicant,whilewomengave

equivalentevaluations.Inthewomen’sstudiesprofessorexperimentthe

biaswasdrivenbythefemaleevaluators.Itwasthefemaleevaluators,

not the male evaluators, who redefined hiring criteria to the female

applicant’sbenefitandwhofavoredthefemalecandidateoverthemale

candidateinhiringevaluations.Importantly,thisstudyfoundthatwhen

evaluators were asked to commit to the hiring criteria that were

importantforajobbeforelearningabouttheapplicant’sgender,neither

men nor women showed gender bias in their hiring evaluations. This

findingsuggeststhattoreducediscrimination,unambiguousstandardsof

meritshouldbeagreeduponpriortothereviewofjobcandidates.
Thisstudyillustratesthatpeoplecanshifthiringcriteriasothatthey
fitwiththeexperiencesandcredentialsoftheperson(maleorfemale)
they would like to hire, particularly for gender-stereotypical jobs,
therebyusing“merit”tojustifydiscrimination.Sincethosewhofeltmost
confidentabouttheirpowersofobjectivityshowedthemostbiasinthe
police chief experiment, the authors suggest that this groupmay have
felt“thattheyhadchosentherightmanforthejob,wheninfactthey
had chosen the right job criteria for the man” (p. 478). Due to time
constraints, the authors did not assess self-perceived measures of
objectivityinthewomen’sstudiesprofessorexperiment.AlsoseeJulieE.
Phelan, Corinne A. Moss-Racusin, and Laurie A. Rudman, “Competent
YetOutintheCold:ShiftingCriteriaforHiringReflectBacklashToward
AgenticWomen,”PsychologyofWomenQuarterly32,no.4(2008):406–
13.Formoreresearchshowingthatbeliefinone’sobjectivityislinked
with an increase in gender discrimination, see Eric Luis Uhlmann and
Geoffrey L. Cohen, “ ‘I Think It, Therefore It’s True’: Effects of Self-
PerceivedObjectivityonHiringDiscrimination,”OrganizationalBehavior
andHumanDecisionProcesses104,no.2(2007):207–23.
10. Sreedhari D. Desai, Dolly Chugh, and Arthur Brief, “Marriage
Structure and Resistance to the Gender Revolution in the Workplace,”
SocialScienceResearchNetwork(March2012).http://papers.ssrn.com/
sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2018259. This study also found that like
men in traditional marriages, men in neotraditional marriages (men
marriedtowomenwhoworkpart-time)weremorelikelythanmenin
modernmarriagestoholdnegativeattitudesandbeliefsaboutwomenin
theworkplace.
11.Foradiscussionofbenevolentsexism,seePeterGlickandSusanT.
Fiske, “The Ambivalent Sexism Inventory: Differentiating Hostile and
BenevolentSexism,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology70,no.3
(1996):491–512.
12.MelissaKorn,“ChoiceofWorkPartnerSplitsAlongGenderLines,”
Wall Street Journal, June 6, 2012, http://online.wsj.com/article/SB100
01424052702303506404577448652549105934.html.
13.A2012reportbyDowJonesfoundthatsuccessful,venture-backed

start-ups have a higher median proportion of female executives (7.1
percent) compared to unsuccessful start-ups (3.1 percent). Likewise,
Herring (2009) found that racial and gender diversity in business
organizationswereassociated with positive performanceoutcomeslike
increasedsalesrevenueandgreaterrelativeprofits.However,Kochanet
al.(2003)foundnosignificantdirecteffectsofgenderorracialdiversity
on business outcomes. Since diverse teams have access to different
perspectives,skillsets,andwaysofapproachingproblems,theyhavethe
potentialtooutperformlessdiversegroups.Yetstudieshavefoundthat
this potential is often thwarted by issues of group process such as
communicationbreakdowns,forexample,thehesitancyamongthosein
theminoritytovoiceanopinionthatdiffersfromthemajority.Thus,in
order for diverse teams to thrive, organizations need to create
environments that foster trust, social cohesion, and a tolerance for
divergent viewpoints among team members. See Jessica Canning,
Maryam Haque, and Yimeng Wang, Women at the Wheel: Do Female
ExecutivesDriveStart-UpSuccess?,DowJonesandCompany(September
2012), http://www.dowjones.com/collateral/files/WomenPE_report_
final.pdf; Cedric Herring, “Does Diversity Pay? Race, Gender, and the
Business Case for Diversity,” American Sociological Review 74, no. 2
(2009): 208–24; Elizabeth Mannix and Margaret A. Neale, “What
Difference Makes a Difference? The Promise and Reality of Diverse
TeamsinOrganizations,”PsychologicalScienceinthePublicInterest6,no.
2(2005):31–55;andThomasKochanetal.,“TheEffectsofDiversityon
Business Performance: Report of the Diversity Research Network,”
HumanResourceManagement42,no.1(2003):3–21.
14.CynthiaC.Hogan,e-mailmessagetotheauthor,March30,2012.
15. Information about Harvard Business School’s efforts to create a
more inclusive learning environment was provided to the author in
discussionsduringavisitthereonMay23,2012.
16.SeanAlfano,“Poll:Women’sMovementWorthwhile,”CBSNews,
February 11, 2009, http://www.cbsnews.com/2100–500160_162–
965224.html.
11.WORKINGTOGETHERTOWARDEQUALITY

1.Foranalysisofthe“rhetoricofchoice,”orthepervasivebeliefthat
women,butnotmen,freelychoosewhetherornottoworkinspiteof
ideological, familial, and institutional obstacles that can prevent them
fromsuccessfullycombiningworkandfamilylife,seeDavidCotter,Joan
M.Hermsen,andReeveVanneman,“TheEndoftheGenderRevolution?
GenderRoleAttitudesfrom1977to2008,”AmericanJournalofSociology
117,no.1(2011):259–89;PamelaStone,OptingOut?WhyWomenReally
Quit Careers and Head Home (Berkeley: University of California Press,
2007); and Joan Williams, Unbending Gender: Why Family and Work
ConflictandWhattoDoAboutIt(Oxford:OxfordUniversityPress,2000).
2.Professor Deborah H. Gruenfeld, discussion with the author,June
26,2012.
3.PatriciaSellers,“NewYahooCEOMayerisPregnant,”CNNMoney,
July 16, 2012, http://postcards.blogs.fortune.cnn.com/2012/07/16/
mayer-yahoo-ceo-pregnant/.
4.“GermanFamilyMinisterSlamsYahoo!CEOMayer,”SpiegelOnline
International, August 1, 2012, http://www.spiegel.de/international/
germany/german-government-official-criticizes-yahoo-exec-for-short-
maternity-leave-a-847739.html.
5.KaraSwisher,“KaraSwisheratGarageGeeks,”YouTubevideo,9:33
minutes, posted by ayeletknoff, August 1, 2012, http://www.youtube.
com/watch?v=jFtdsRx2frI&feature=youtube.
6. For a discussion of how individual women are seen as
representative of all women and how female scarcity leads to
stereotyping, see Rosabeth Moss Kanter, Men and Women of the
Corporation,2nded.(NewYork:BasicBooks,1993).
7.Thearticle“SherylSandbergIstheValley’s‘It’Girl—JustLikeKim
PoleseOnceWas”canbefoundattheendofEricJackson,“Apologyto
SherylSandbergand to Kim Polese[Updated],”Forbes, May 23, 2012,
http://www.forbes.com/sites/ericjackson/2012/05/23/apology-sheryl-
sandberg-kim-polese/.
8. Kim Polese, “Stop Comparing Female Execs and Just Let Sheryl
SandbergDoHer Job,”Forbes,May25,2012,http://www.forbes.com/
sites/carolinehoward/2012/05/25/stop-comparing-female-execs-and-
just-let-sheryl-sandberg-do-her-job/.

9. Jackson, “Apology to Sheryl Sandberg and to Kim Polese
[Updated].”
10.Forareviewofresearchrelatedtothequeenbeesyndrome,see
Belle Derks et al., “Gender-Bias Primes Elicit Queen Bee Behaviors in
SeniorPolicewomen,”PsychologicalScience22,no.10(2011):1243–49;
and Belle Derks et al., “Do Sexist Organizational Cultures Create the
QueenBee?,”BritishJournalofSocialPsychology50,no.3(2011):519–
35.
11. Elizabeth J. Parks-Stamm, Madeline E. Heilman, and Krystle A.
Hears,“MotivatedtoPenalize:Women’sStrategicRejectionofSuccessful
Women,”PersonalityandSocialPsychologyBulletin34,no.2(2008):237–
47; Rocio Garcia-Retamero and Esther López-Zafra, “Prejudice Against
Women in Male-Congenial Environments: Perceptions of Gender Role
CongruityinLeadership,”SexRoles55,nos.1–2(2006):51–61;DavidL.
Mathison, “Sex Differences in the Perception of Assertiveness Among
FemaleManagers,”JournalofSocialPsychology126,no.5(1986):599–
606;andGrahamL.Staines,CarolTavris,andTobyE.Jayaratne,“The
QueenBeeSyndrome,”PsychologyToday7(1974):55–60.
12. Naomi Ellemers et al., “The Underrepresentation of Women in
Science:DifferentialCommitmentortheQueenBeeSyndrome?”British
JournalofSocialPsychology43,no.3(2004):315–38.Femaleprofessors
from older generations, who rose to the top when there were more
barriers to women’s advancement, held the most gender bias toward
theirfemalestudents.Thisfindingsuggeststhatqueenbeebehaviorsare
aconsequenceofgenderdiscrimination.
13.KatherineStroebeetal.,“ForBetterorforWorse:TheCongruence
of Personal and Group Outcomes on Targets’ Responses to
Discrimination,”EuropeanJournalofSocialPsychology39,no.4(2009):
576–91.
14. Madeleine K. Albright, Women in the World Summit, March 8,
2012, http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/03/09/women-in-
the-world-highlights-angelina-jolie-madeline-albright-more-video.html.
15.Derksetal.,“DoSexistOrganizationalCulturesCreatetheQueen
Bee?,”519–35;RobertS.Baron,MaryL.Burgess,andChuanFengKao,
“Detecting and Labeling Prejudice: Do Female Perpetrators Go

Undetected?,”PersonalityandSocialPsychologyBulletin17,no.2(1991):
115–23.
16.SarahDinolfo,ChristineSilva,andNancyM.Carter,HighPotentials
in the Leadership Pipeline: Leaders Pay It Forward, Catalyst (2012), 7,
http://www.catalyst.org/publication/534/42/high-potentials-in-the-
pipeline-leaders-pay-it-forward.
17. Janet Aschkenasy, “How a ‘Good Old Girls’ Network at Merrill
Advanced the Careers of Four Women,” Wall Street Technology
Association, July 16, 2012, http://news.wsta.efinancialcareers.com/
newsandviews_item/wpNewsItemId-106965.
18. Kunal Modi, “Man Up on Family and Workplace Issues: A
ResponsetoAnne-MarieSlaughter,”TheHuffingtonPost,July12,2012,
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kunal-modi/.
19. Joan Williams, “Slaughter vs. Sandberg: Both Right,” The
Huffington Post, June 22, 2012, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joan-
williams/ann-marie-slaughter_b_1619324.html.
20. Debora Spar, “Why Do Successful Women Feel So Guilty?,” The
Atlantic, June 28, 2012, http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/
2012/06/why-do-successful-women-feel-so-guilty/259079/.
21.InstituteforWomen’sPolicyResearch,WomenandPaidSickDays:
CrucialforFamilyWell-Being,factsheet,February2007.
22.LyndaLaughlin,MaternityLeaveandEmploymentPatternsofFirst-
Time Mothers: 1961–2008, U.S. Census Bureau, Current Population
Reports, P70–128 (October 2011), 9, http://www.census.gov/prod/
2011pubs/p70–128.pdf.
23. Human Rights Watch, Failing Its Families: Lack of Paid Leave and
Work-Family Supports in the US (2011), http://www.hrw.org/sites/
default/files/reports/us0211webwcover.pdf.
24. Ellen Bravo, “ ‘Having It All?’—The Wrong Question to Ask for
Most Women,” Women’s Media Center, June 26, 2012, http://www.
womensmediacenter.com/feature/entry/having-it-allthe-wrong-question-
for-most-women.
25. Nicholas D. Kristof, “Women Hurting Women,” New York Times,
September 29, 2012, http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/30/opinion/

sunday/kristof-women-hurting-women.html?_r=0.

26. A study of panel data from the EEOC of more than twenty

thousand firms from 1990 to 2003 found that an increase in the

percentageoftopwomenmanagersisassociatedwithasubsequentrise

inthepercentageoffemalesinmidlevelmanagerialroleswithinfirms.

This study also found that while women at the top have a positive

influence on the advancement of lower level women, this influence

diminishedovertime.SeeFidenAnaKurtulusandDonaldTomaskovic-

Devey, “Do Female Top Managers Help Women to Advance? A Panel

Study Using EEO-1 Records,” The Annals of the American Academy of

PoliticalandSocialScience639,no.1(2012):173–97.Astudyofmore

thaneighthundredU.S.firmsfoundthatwhenmorewomensatonthe

executive compensation committee of the board, the gender gap in

executive pay was smaller. This study found, however, that having a

female CEO was not associated with a reduction in the gender gap in

pay.SeeTaekjinShin,“TheGenderGapinExecutiveCompensation:The

RoleofFemaleDirectorsandChiefExecutiveOfficers,”TheAnnalsofthe

AmericanAcademyofPoliticalandSocialScience639,no.1(2012):258–

78.Astudyofseventy-twolargeU.S.corporationsfoundthathavinga

higherproportionoflower-levelfemalemanagersinthe1980sandearly

1990swaspositivelyassociatedwithhavingmorework-lifeHRpolicies

in1994andwithhavingalargershareofseniormanagementrolesheld

bywomenin1999.SeeGeorgeF.Dreher,“BreakingtheGlassCeiling:

TheEffectsofSexRatiosandWorkLifeProgramsonFemaleLeadership

attheTop,”HumanRelations56,no.5(2003):541–62.

27. Gloria: In Her Own Words, HBO documentary, directed by Peter

Kunhardt(2011).

ANoteAbouttheAuthor

SherylSandbergischiefoperatingofficeratFacebook.Priortoworking

atFacebook,shewasvicepresidentofGlobalOnlineSalesand

OperationsatGoogleandchiefofstaffattheUnitedStatesTreasury

Department.ShelivesinNorthernCaliforniawithherhusbandandtheir

twochildren.

JointheLeanInCommunitytocontinuethediscussionat

www.facebook.com/leaninorgorwww.leanin.org.

SherylSandbergisdonatingallofherincomefromthisbooktoestablish

LeanIn,anonprofitorganizationthatencourageswomentoleaninto

theirambitions.

Formoreinformation,pleasevisitwww.aaknopf.com

LeanIn

BySherylSandberg

ReadingGroupGuide

ABOUTTHISREADINGGROUPGUIDE

The questions, discussion topics, and reading list that follow are

intendedtoenhanceyourreadinggroup’sdiscussionofLeanIn:Women,

Work,andtheWilltoLead,byFacebookCOOSherylSandberg.

ABOUTTHEBOOK

SherylSandberg—FacebookCOO,rankedeighthonFortune’slistofthe

50 Most Powerful Women in Business—has become one of America’s

most galvanizing leaders, and an icon for millions of women juggling

workandfamily.InLeanIn,sheurgeswomentotakerisksandseeknew

challenges, to find work that they love, and to remain passionately

engagedwiththatworkatthehighestlevelsthroughouttheirlives.

Lean In—Sheryl Sandberg’s provocative, inspiring book about women

and power—grew out of an electrifying TEDTalk she gave in 2010 in

whichsheexpressedherconcernthatprogressforwomeninachieving

majorleadershippositionshadstalled.Thetalkbecameaphenomenon

andhassincebeenviewednearlytwomilliontimes.InLeanIn,shefuses

humorous personal anecdotes, singular lessons on confidence and

leadership,andpracticaladviceforwomenbasedonresearch,data,her

own experiences, and the experiences of other women of all ages.

Sandberg has an uncanny gift for cutting through layers of ambiguity

thatsurroundemployedwomen,andinLeanInshegrapples,piercingly,

with the great questions of modern life. Her message to women is

overwhelminglypositive.Sheisatrailblazingmodelfortheideassheso

passionatelyespouses,andshe’sonthe pulse of a topic thathasnever

beenmorerelevant.

QUESTIONSFORDISCUSSION

1.Whatdoes“leanin”mean?Whydoyouthinkwomenneedtobe

urgedtoleanin?

2.Thefirstthreewordsinthebookare“Igotpregnant.”Whatdoes

thissignalaboutthekindofbusinessbookLeanInwillbe?

3.WhenSandbergsays,“Thepromiseofequalityisnotthesameas

trueequality”(thispage),whatdoesshemean?Haveyoufound

thisstatementtobeaccurate?

4.Whyis“ambitious”oftenconsideredaderogatorywordwhen

usedtodescribeawomanbutcomplimentarywhenusedto

describeaman?

5.Inchapter2,Sandbergdiscussestheimpostorsyndrome:feeling

likeafraud,fearingdiscoverywitheachsuccess.Whydowomen

feelthiswaymoreoftenthanmendo?Whatcausesthegender

gap?

6.Sandbergbelievesthattherearetimeswhenyoucanreachfor

opportunitiesevenifyouarenotsureyouarequitereadytotake

themon—andthenlearnbydoing.Haveyouevertriedthis?

Whathaveyoutried?Whatwastheresult?

7.Whatdidyoulearnfromtheanecdoteonthispage,about

keepingyourhandup?

8.WhydidSandbergrespondsonegativelytobeingnamedthe

fifthmostpowerfulwomanintheworld?

9.Whennegotiating,Sandbergtellswomentousetheword“we”

ratherthan“I.”Whydoesthechoiceofpronounmakesucha

difference?

10.Onthispage,Sandbergsays,“Iunderstandtheparadoxof

advisingwomentochangetheworldbyadheringtobiasedrules

andexpectations.”Howdoyoufeelaboutheradvice?

11.What’syourtakeonSandberg’ssuggestionthatwethinkofthe

pathtoasatisfyingcareerasajunglegymratherthanaladder?

12.Sandbergarguesthattakingriskscanbeimportantinbuildinga

career.Howhaveyouapproachedrisk-takinginyourlife?

13.Sandbergarguesthatmentorshiprelationshipsrarelyhappen
fromaskingstrangerstomentoryou,butratherfroman
opportunitytoengagewithsomeoneinamoresubstantiveway.
Howhasmentorshipworkedinyourownexperience?
14.Peoplewhobelievethattheyspeak“thetruth”andnot“their
truth”canbeverysilencingofothers,Sandbergsaysonthispage.
Whatdoesshemeanbythis?
15.Whenconsideringemploymentaftermotherhood,Sandberg
suggeststhatwomenshiftthecalculationsandmeasurethe
currentcostofchildcareagainsttheirsalarytenyearsfromnow.
Whyisthisamoreeffectiveperspectivethanjustconsidering
currentcosts?Ifyou’reaparent,wouldthischangeyourattitude
towardemploymentandmoney?
16.Inchapter9,Sandbergblaststhemythof“havingitall,”oreven
“doingitall,”andpointstoaposteronthewallatFacebookasa
goodmotto:“Doneisbetterthanperfect.”(thispage)What
perfectionistattitudeshaveyoudroppedinordertofind
contentment?
17.Sandbergandherhusbandhavedifferentviewpointsabout
parenting:Sheworriesabouttakingtoomuchtimeawayfrom
theirkids,whilehe’sproudofthetimehedoesspendwiththem.
Wouldithelpwomentoadoptanattitudemorelikehis?
18.Inchapter10,Sandbergdiscusseshowtheterm“feminist”has
takenonnegativeconnotations.Doyouconsideryourselfa
feminist?Why?
19.Discussthisassertion:“Stayingquietandfittinginmayhave
beenallthefirstgenerationsofwomenwhoenteredcorporate
Americacoulddo;insomecases,itmightstillbethesafestpath.
Butthisstrategyisnotpayingoffforwomenasagroup.Instead,
weneedtospeakout,identifythebarriersthatareholding
womenback,andfindsolutions”(thispage).
20.Inthebook’sfinalchapter,Sandbergtalksabouttheneedto
worktogethertocreateequality—toallowwomentothriveinthe
workplace,andtoallowmentoparticipateproudlyinthehome
andchildrearing.Whatstepscanyoutakerightnowtobeginto

makethishappen?

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