Witty Songs

©Ted Schaar 2011

Several years ago through eBay I bought colored-vinyl versions of The Beatles

1962-1966 (The Red Album) and The Beatles 1967-1970 (The Blue Album)

from a major fan named Ed.

After I paid, he asked if I would be interested in some bootlegs he had that

featured sessions recorded while The Beatles were working on their amazing

albums—he was willing to transfer them to CD free of charge.

I mentioned in my thank you e-mail that I was old enough to have seen the

Beatles when they first appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1964. He replied

it was "an honor" to meet someone who saw the Beatles live (Ed was born in

1966). This made me think that although those who watched The Beatles

that night were part of a huge television audience—almost 74 million

—it's a

set whose numbers have decreased tremendously in the 45 years that have

passed.

That realization, Ed's comment and generous offer to send the CDs, and the

about-the-same-time coincidence of having dinner with a man named Bill who

saw the Beatles perform in Milwaukee in the fall of 1964 started a chain of

events that led me to write two articles. The first, "A Day in the Center of

Beatlemania," is about the band's September 4, 1964, appearance at the

Arena in Milwaukee. The seed for the second—this one—was planted after

Ed's CDs arrived. These were interesting for their roughness and for the

insights they provided into the experimentation that produced musical

passages such as the unusual Paul McCartney organ part that opens and

becomes the backbone of "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds."

On one I was hearing works in progress ranging from the acoustic beginning

of "All Together Now" to John Lennon performing an early version of "Good

Morning, Good Morning" when out of the blue comes Pete Drake, his talking

guitar, and the sliding-steel-words: "I'm just a guitar, everybody picks on me."

The track is from the bootleg Through Many Years that focuses on George

Harrison and Ringo Starr.

Ed had combined various bootlegs on each of the

CDs he sent.

I had not heard this clever tune until that moment even though I've played

guitar myself for decades and remember Drake's prominence in Nashville—

my oldest brother Forry was a country music fan and liked the steel guitarist.

I also recalled Drake had played on Bob Dylan albums and was featured on

Harrison's first effort after the breakup of The Beatles.

http://www.beatlesbible.com/1964/02/09/the-beatles-first-ed-sullivan-show/

http://avaxhome.ws/music/bootlegs/george_harrison_through_many_years.html

Hearing Drake's "I'm Just A Guitar, Everybody Picks On Me" made me think

of other witty titles such as "Love Is Just A Four-Letter Word," "Dropkick Me

Jesus Through The Goalposts Of Life," and "If I Said You Have A Beautiful

Body Would You Hold It Against Me?" It struck me that an article about such

songs would be fun to write and possibly of interest to others—including

editors—so I did some research, asked friends and relatives, and eventually

identified the 21 that will be covered in chronological order here, at least one

from every decade beginning with the 30s.

I've found other lists of witty songs on the Web but they either reference titles

alone or songs that haven't truly entered the music mainstream, two criteria

I applied.

In considering them, some took me to places suggested by the lyrics for one

reason or another as you'll see, and I enjoyed these unexpected byroads and

back alleys. I hope you'll take the time to read the lyrics and listen to the

songs. (Links to versions on YouTube are included for all but one, and it's

available on a CD.)

Levels of creativity, fun, and cleverness are high, and the pair of songs by the

Spice Girls and Big & Rich that conclude the list reassure that the good guys

are winning the culture wars.

1. "My Sweet Tooth Says I Wanna, But My Wisdom Tooth Says No."

First up is a song from 1931 written by Sam H. Stept, Joe Young, and Sidney

Clare and made popular by the Fletcher Henderson Orchestra.

Frederick Hodges,

who is based in San Francisco, performs the song on

YouTube (Hodges). He also kindly supplied sheet music so I could present the

lyrics accurately. They are quaint and charming ("I've got a hunch, my honey

bunch"). The strangest line is "I'm no eenie meenie you know," which

probably is meant to indicate the song's suitor isn't indecisive.

Be prepared for an unusually long lead-in before the vocal starts.

Lyrics

Fondle me cute

My cutie cute

I'm not the "oh, stop" kind

One with a one-track mind, oh, no

Cuddle me nice

Take my advice

Baby I care a lot

http://www.redhotjazz.com/fho.html

http://www.frederickhodges.com/

Though you won't believe me

Believe it or not

Every kiss you give me is thrilling

In a way I'd go for you so

Oh, my sweet tooth says I wanna, but my wisdom tooth says no

In my heart I feel like I'm willing

I'm no eenie meenie you know

Oh, my sweet tooth says I wanna, but my wisdom tooth says no

Oh, oh, there's really two sides to me

Oh, oh, you've only made one agree

Get together waiting is killing

Can't you see I'm rarin' to go

Oh, my sweet tooth says I wanna, but my wisdom tooth says no

I've got a hunch, my honey bunch

I'm going to fall and how

But I don't mean right now, oh, no

Just take your time

You're doing fine

My love is guaranteed

If you keep trying

You're bound to succeed

Every kiss you give me is thrilling

In a way I'd go for you so

Oh, my sweet tooth says I wanna, but my wisdom tooth says no

2. "I Can Make Anything, But I Can't Make a Man."

Dewey Gill, long-time host of The Big Band Show on Milwaukee's WMSE-FM

91.7, played the second song one Sunday morning on his program. It was

written by Reuben Bloom and recorded by the Dorsey Brothers in 1933; vocals

are by Mildred Bailey.

Exactly who or what the Yokohamas of the second line are is an open question,

but most likely they represent a play on the name of the Japanese port,

Yokohama—the nation's second-largest city—and are meant to be a Japanese-

sounding family name. Certainly, along with Alabama's and Bahamas,

Yokohamas is a good rhyme with pajamas.

(Visit YouTube [Bailey] for the song). Like "My Sweet Tooth...," it has an

unusually long lead-in before Bailey starts singing.

Lyrics

I can make pajamas

Like the Yokohamas

Make 'em out of silk in Japan

I can make most anything

But I can't make a man

I can make a dinner

Not like a beginner

I won't have to open a can

I can make most anything

But I can't make a man

I can take an old hat

Make it look like new

Just add a ribbon or two

That's what I do to cut expenses

I can make a dollar

Jump right up and holler

Talk about your lemon meringue

I can make most anything

But I just can't seem to make a man

3. "Who Put the Benzedrine in Mrs. Murphy's Ovaltine?"

Number 3 was written and recorded in 1947 by Harry "The Hipster" Gibson, a

wild pianist-vocalist who probably blazed the trail for Little Richard and Jerry

Lee Lewis.

It came out about the time Jack Kerouac and other Beat Generation artists

began using the drug

—then an over-the-counter amphetamine—to fuel their

creative engines. Ovaltine isn't as well known now, but in mid-century

America it was a heavily advertised breakfast drink, aimed mainly at children.

The second verse includes, "She says that everything is solid all reet," and

you might be wondering as I did if "reet" is just a mispronunciation of "right"

that rhymes with sleep or a real word. It actually is a jazz slang term,

according to dictionary.com, that means "good, proper, excellent."

Another word used in a way not encountered much today is "clout," also in

the second verse. Most of us relate it to organizational power or influence.

Its primary meaning, however, is a blow,

as in striking something.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzedrine

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/+reet

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/clout

The Benzedrine makes Mrs. Murphy want "to swing, the Highland Fling," which

is a Scottish dance

if, like me, you didn't know. Not content to rest on his

laurels with one, multiple-syllable drug rhyme, Gibson conjures an impressive

second with "Who put the Nembutals in Mr. Murphy's overalls?" Nembutal

was a trade name for a powerful barbiturate also known by the generic name

phenobarbital.

(Click YouTube [Gibson] for the song.)

Lyrics

Mrs. Murphy couldn't sleep

Her nerves were slightly off the beat

Until she solved her problem

With a can of Ovaltine

She drank a cupful most every night

And OOOO how she would dream

Until something rough got in the stuff

And made her neighbors scream. OW!

Who put the Benzedrine, in Mrs. Murphy's Ovaltine?

Sure was a shame, don't know who's to blame

Cause the old lady didn't even get his name

Where did she get that stuff?

Now she just can't get enough

It might have been the man who wasn't there

Now Jack, that guy's a square

She never ever wants to go to sleep

She says that everything is solid all reet

Now Mr. Murphy don't know what it's all about

Cause she went and threw the old man out. Clout!

Who put the Benzedrine, in Mrs. Murphy's Ovaltine?

Now she wants to swing, the Highland Fling

She says that Benzedrine's the thing that makes her spring.

Ah, spring it now Gibson.

This is the second chorus you know

The name of this chorus is called, "Who put the Nembutals in Mr. Murphy's

overalls?

I don't know

She bought a can of Ovaltine, most every week or so

And she always kept an extra can on hand

Just in case that she'd run low

She never, never been so happy, since she left old Ireland

'Till someone prowled her pantry, and tampered with her can. Wham!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emCIxAJCe2g

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pentobarbital

Who put the Benzedrine, in Mrs. Murphy's Ovaltine?

Sure was a shame, don't know who's to blame

Cause the old lady didn't even get his name

Where did she get that stuff

Now she just can't get enough

It might have been the man who wasn't there

Now Jack, that guy's a square

She stays up nights making all the rounds

They say she lost about 69 pounds

Now Mr. Murphy claims she's getting awful thin

And all she says is, "Give me some skin." Mop!

Who put the Benzedrine, in Mrs. Murphy's Ovaltine?

Now she wants to swing the Highland Fling

She says that Benzedrine's the thing that makes her spring

Ah, spring it now, Gibby.

4. "How Could You Believe Me When I Said I Love You When You

Know I've Been a Liar All My Life?"

At 21 words, the title of this tune is claimed to be the longest for a song

used in a Hollywood film. It was performed by Fred Astaire and Jane Powell

in the 1951 musical Royal Wedding; music is by Burton Lane with lyrics by

Alan Jay Lerner.

The nuptials of the title are the ones that united Queen Elizabeth and Prince

Phillip in 1947, when she was 21 and he, 26.

Footage of that blessed

event is included. Astaire and Powell play a brother-sister act that is loosely

based on a similar relationship Astaire and his sister Adele

had early in

their careers.

Like Adele, who met and married an English lord, the Astaire character's

(Tom Bowen) sister (Ellen) meets and becomes engaged to an aristocrat

played by a young Peter Lawford.

Although it's hard to beat the song and dance Astaire and Powell perform to

the witty "How Could You...," later in the movie Tom Bowen is so happy

about his love interest he dances up the walls and across the ceiling of his

hotel room.

"How Could You..." rings true with anyone who has manipulated the facts a

little to get what he or she wants. Oddly, in the version below, which was

http://marriage.about.com/od/royalty/p/queenelizabeth.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adele_Astaire

on the long play record of the movie soundtrack, spoken parts come toward

the end of the song. In the movie, they are at the beginning.

Outstanding lines are Powell's triple negative question, "Didn't your mother

never teach you no manners?" and Astaire's double-negative response "I

didn't have no mother, we were too poor" and the exchange that begins with

her, "I'll give you one more chance: Do you love me or don't you?" His

immediate and emphatic "No, I don't" reply is met by her "Quit stalling! I

want a direct answer."

Powell, evidently the fourth choice to play Ellen after Ginger Rogers declined,

June Allyson took the role but became pregnant and had to withdraw, and

Judy Garland was hired but then fired,

is great throughout. Her costumes,

especially the yellow and red outfit she wears during "How Could You..." are

strongly period and cool as a 50s jukebox. (Listen to song at YouTube

(Astair-Powell].)

Astaire: How could you believe me when I said "I love you" when you know

I've been a liar all my life?

Powell: You've had that reputation since you was a youth

Astaire: You must have been insane to think I'd tell you the truth

Powell: How could I believe you when you said we'd marry?

Astaire: When you know I'd rather hang than have a wife. I know I said, "I'd

make you mine."

Powell: Now wouldn't you know that I would go for that old line?

Astaire: How could you believe me when I said "I love you," when you know

I've been a liar

Powell: You sure have been a liar

Astaire: A double-crossing liar

Powell: A double-crossing liar

Astaire: All my doggone cheatin' life

Powell: You said you would love me long

Astaire: So what?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_Wedding

Powell: And never would do me wrong

Astaire: Stop bending the suit

Powell: Faithful you'd always be

Astaire: Me? Why, baby, you must be loony to trust a lower-than-low, two-

timer like me

Powell: You said I'd have everything

Astaire: Get her!

Powell: A beautiful diamond ring

Astaire: Ha, ha, ha!

Powell: A bungalow by the sea

Astaire: A bungalow yet! You're really naive to ever believe a full-of-baloney

phony like me

Powell: Boy, I sure must have lost my head

Astaire: You ain't lost nothing you never had

Powel: What about the time you went to Indiana?

Astaire: I was lyin', I was down in Alabama!

Powel: You said you had some business you had to complete

Astaire: What I was doin' I would be a cad to repeat

Powel: What about the evenings you was with your mother?

Astaire: I was rompin' with another honey lamb

Powel: To think you swore our love was real

Astaire: Baby, leave us not forget that I'm a heel

Powel: How could I believe you when you said you loved me?

Astaire: When you know I've been a liar

Powel: A good-for-nothing liar

Astaire: All my good-for-nothing life

Spoken

Powel: This is the last time I'll ever go to a party with you

Astaire: Will you put that in writing?

Powel: Oh, you're always making cracks, making cracks

Astaire: Like what?

Powel: You're always humiliating me, humiliating me; didn't your mother

never teach you no manners?

Astaire: I never had no mother, we was too poor

Powel: What's the matter with you lately; you used to tell me you loved me.

You used to treat me like a high-classed dame. Well, usedn't you?

Astaire: So I used

Powel: So, now you admit it

Astaire: I ain't admitting nothing

Powel: I'll give you one more chance. Do you love me or don't you?

Astaire: No, I don't

Powel: Quit stalling! I want a direct answer.

Singing

Powel: You know you've been a liar

Astaire: I know I've been a liar

Powel: A double-crossing liar

Astaire: A double-crossing liar

Powel: All your double-crossing life

5. "Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu"

This medically inspired hit was recorded by Huey Piano Smith and the Clowns

in 1957; John Vincent, record producer and owner of Ace Record Company,

wrote the lyrics to music composed by Smith.

The song sold more than a million copies

although some of the lyrics—"I

wanna kiss her but the gal's too tall"—probably were included more for rhyme

than meaning. But if master songwriters Lennon and McCartney were able to

get away with, "My love don't give me presents, I know she's no peasant,"

I'm okay with it. Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnny Rivers, The Flaming Groovies, Sha

Na Na, and Aerosmith are a few of the artists who have recorded versions.

Lyricist Vincent produced another teen masterpiece, "Venus In Blue Jeans," a

1962 hit by Jimmy Clanton composed by Brill Building writers Howard

Greenfield

and Jack Keller.

Here's the classic open: "She's Venus in blue

jeans; Mona Lisa with a ponytail; She's a walkin', talkin' work of art; She's

the girl who stole my heart."

(Listen to the song at YouTube [Smith].)

Lyrics

I wanna jump but I'm afraid I'll fall

I wanna holler but the joint's too small

Young man rhythm got a hold of me, too

I got a rockin' pneumonia and a boogie woogie flu

Call some other baby that ain't all

I wanna kiss her but the gal's too tall

Young man rhythm got a hold of me, too

I got a rockin' pneumonia and a boogie woogie flu

Wanna scream I want you all to know

I would be runnin' but my feet's too slow

Young man rhythm got a hold of me, too

I got a rockin' pneumonia and a boogie woogie flu

Wanna scream I want you all to know

I would be runnin' but my feet's too slow

Young man rhythm got a hold of me too

I got a rockin' pneumonia and a boogie woogie flu

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Vincent

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huey_%22Piano%22_Smith

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Greenfield

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Keller_%28songwriter%29

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4X0zYBNe-1E

Baby comin' now I'm hurryin' home

I know she's leavin' cause I'm takin' too long

Young man rhythm got a hold of me, too

I got the rockin' pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu

I wanna squeeze

6. "I'm Just A Guitar, Everybody Picks On Me."

Number 6, the primary inspiration for this article, was written and performed

by Pete Drake in 1964 and appears on his Forever album. It is the epitome

of brevity and wit.

Drake was a Music City session virtuoso who added smooth pedal steel to an

array of C&W hits, including Tammy Wynette's "Stand by Your Man," Charlie

Rich's "Behind Closed Doors," and Kenny Rogers' "Lucille." He also played on

Bob Dylan's John Wesley Harding, Nashville Skyline, and Self Portrait albums,

all recorded in Nashville.

Rock guitarists Peter Frampton and Joe Walsh had

hits using Drake's "talking steel" guitar technique and evidently he got the

idea himself from performer Alvino Rey who achieved a similar effect in the

30s when it was known as the "singing guitar."

The version of the song I heard on Ed's bootleg was recorded when Drake was

in England working on George Harrison's first post-Beatles album All Things

Must Pass.

After I found the studio recording of the song included below online, I listened

to it many times but couldn't quite make out the third line. Google research

didn't produce the lyrics, so I called a number listed at a website about Drake,

reached a voice mailbox, and left a message that included my question about

the lyric.

In addition, I contacted Bill Cunningham, who's on the board of the Georgia

Steel Guitar Association,

thinking he or another member would be familiar

with Drake, who was born in Augusta, Georgia, in 1932.

Cunningham

posted a note to the Steel Guitar Forum

and within a few hours a member

had the answer.

http://www.petedrakemusic.com/about-pete-drake/bio

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk_box

http://www.georgiasteelguitar.com

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pete_Drake

www.steelguitarforum.com

About a week later, the phone rang and the caller said with a beautiful

Southern accent, "This is Rose Drake from Nashville, Tennessee." Who else

could it be? so I immediately said, "Hello, Mrs. Drake!" She replied that she

was calling to answer my question. I explained I thought I already had the

answer but would appreciate it if she could confirm it was correct which she

soon did. In my experience, people who legitimately have a claim to fame are

among the kindest folks around. (Visit YouTube [Drake] for the song.)

Lyrics

I'm just a guitar

Everybody picks on me

These blues they keep playing

Have got me full of misery

7. "Love Is Just A Four-Letter Word."

Although Drake didn't play on it, Number 7 is Bob Dylan's from 1965. It's

brilliant like most Dylan songs, and while its meaning is subject to

interpretation, like most Dylan songs, the words go together beautifully, and

it features an unusual, hard accent on the second-to-last syllable before the

refrain containing the title line.

Tennessee Williams' play, Camino Real (translated from Spanish as "Royal

Road" or "King's Highway"

) reportedly is the source of the title which

probably has much greater antiquity.

It's unlikely Williams was the first to

make this connection between the supreme human emotion and vulgarity.

The song opens with, "Seems like only yesterday, I left my mind behind, down

in a Gypsy cafe, with a friend of a friend of mine"—a cool combination of

simple rhymes and a near homophone. References to Gypsies and their

culture aren't unusual in Dylan songs, and Williams' play includes a Gypsy and

his daughter Esmeralda (also the name of a character in The Hunchback of

Notre Dame

—whose protagonist pops up in Dylan's "Desolation Row"

But the line refers specifically to a "Gypsy cafe" which made me wonder if a

certain type of cafe is so labeled.

Poking around the Web produced an informative connection with a woman

named Melanie who co-owns with husband Jim and a silent partner a

restaurant named Gypsy Cafe

in Pittsburgh. I e-mailed the site's general

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/El_Camino_Real_%28California%29

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_Is_Just_a_Four-Letter_Word

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esm%C3%A9ralda_%28The_Hunchback_of_Notre_Dame%29

http://www.bobdylan.com/songs/desolation-row

http://www.gypsycafe.net/

address and asked: Why was the name chosen? did it have any special

meaning? Melanie wrote back: "I realized that 'Gypsy Cafe' was a perfect

way to express our mission. We say we 'go where the Gypsies go' and follow

a seasonal path through Europe with our menu. There have also been several

intervening details that have proven the name was the best fit."

And what did she think about the Gypsy cafe in "Love Is Just A Four-Letter

Word"?

She hadn't heard the song but knew enough about Dylan to suggest the

following: "Regarding what Dylan might have meant, I will say that calling

ourselves Gypsy Cafe has essentially set the path for us. We have become a

home for a very interesting range of folks, all of whom have approached us

because of their self-association with the term 'Gypsy.' We offer Eastern

European music led by a Gypsy violinist and belly dance. We have a resident

Tarot card reader. We are next door to a new works theater whose clientele

associate us with the theatrical vibe. We are the official Pittsburgh home of

the National Cartoonists Society via the Pittsburgh ToonSeum. We offer a

Geek Brunch that attracts comics and sci-fi geeks. Look for a thread between

these seemingly disparate groups, and what ties them together is their

'outsider' identification. I think interesting people are frequently

misunderstood, or at least believe they are, but crave acceptance just as

anyone might. Every outsider wants to be inside, although not necessarily

with those who they feel pushed them outside in the first place. That seems

pretty Dylanesque to me."

That's an impressive analysis, and I have a feeling the Gypsy Cafe is a cool

place.

The third verse, "I said goodbye unnoticed," reminds me of Dylan's "Don't

Think Twice It's Alright" and its "Goodbye's too good a word, babe, so I'll just

say fare thee well." That line never made sense to me. How could something

as everyday as goodbye be too good a word? About eight years ago, however,

in an entirely different context, someone mentioned that goodbye is a Middle

English contraction of the phrase "God be with ye."

My hunch is Dylan

understood the word's etymology, a fact that reflects careful and subtle writing

and is among the many reasons he is superb and often eloquent.

The hardest-hitting line, however, in my estimation, is one that passes

quickly, "Yes, I know now traps are only set by me." That sums up a lot of

psychological theorizing. (Visit YouTube [Baez] for the song).

Lyrics

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=goodbye&searchmode=none

Seems like only yesterday

I left my mind behind

Down in a Gypsy cafe

With a friend of a friend of mine

Who sat with a baby heavy on her knee

Yet spoke of life most free from slavery

With eyes that showed no trace of misery

A phrase in connection first with she occurred

That love is just a four-letter word

Outside a rambling front-store window

Cats meowed to the break of day

Me, I kept my mouth shut

To you I had no words to say

My experience was limited and underfed

You were talking while I hid

To the one who was the father of your kid

You probably didn't think I did, but I heard

You say that love is just a four-letter word

I said goodbye unnoticed

Pushed towards things in my own games

Drifting in and out of lifetimes

Unmentionable by name

Searching for my double, looking for

Complete evaporation to the core

Though I tried and failed at finding any door

I must have thought that there was nothing more absurd

Than that love is just a four-letter word

Though I never knew just what you meant

When you were speaking to your man

I can only think in terms of me

And now I understand

After waking enough times to think I see

The holy kiss that's supposed to last eternity

Blow up in smoke, its destiny

Falls on strangers travels free

Yes, I know now traps are only set by me

And I do not really need to be assured

That love is just a four-letter word

Strange it is to be beside you, many years and tables turned

You'd probably not believe me if told you all I've learned

And it is very, very weird indeed

To hear words like "forever" plead

So ships run through my mind, I cannot cheat

it's like looking in a teacher's face complete

I can say nothing to you but repeat

No, I can say nothing to you but repeat what I heard

That love is just a four-letter word.

8. "Free Your Mind...and Your Ass Will Follow."

George Clinton, Ray Davis, and Eddie Hazel of Funkadelic created Number 8

which was recorded by the group in 1970 and released on an album of the

same name. A Wikipedia entry about the song states: "The inspiration for this

album was, according to George Clinton, an attempt to 'see if we can cut a

whole album while we're all tripping on acid.'"

The result is a psychedelic experience with distorted guitar riffs and lyrics full

of pronouncements. It's easy to imagine writers higher than the Himalayas

coming up with the clever title line and then repeating it dozens of times.

Possibly as an explanation of what it means or as an expansion, it typically is

followed by the refrain "The kingdom of heaven is within," which sounds like

an ancient biblical phrase but isn't—at least not exactly.

Closest to it I discovered through an online search is Luke 17:21 which I

subsequently found in my King James version of the bible: "Neither shall they

say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you."

However, the phrase is "kingdom of God" not "kingdom of heaven."

I asked college buddy now Pastor Don Stein (Shepherd of the Hills Church,

Lacrosse, Wisconsin) about this and he replied in an e-mail: "As for the phrase

'Kingdom of God,' that is primarily found in the Gospel of Luke. The Gospel of

Matthew prefers to use 'Kingdom of Heaven.' I checked my resources, more

than a dozen English and one Greek New Testament. The only reference that

I found is the one you cite. Matthew does not record those words of Jesus.

The Greek text shows no variants or glosses substituting heaven ('ouranous')

for God ('Theos') so I doubt that any translation would substitute one for the

other here."

Some online commentators think the two expressions mean the same thing.

Former The Way

member Mark Clarke, for example: "There is no indication

in any of the words of Jesus that there is a distinction between 'kingdom of

God' and 'kingdom of heaven.' The two terms are synonymous. 'Kingdom of

God' is the literal term for what Jesus preached, while 'kingdom of heaven' is

a figurative way of saying the same thing. It is figurative because 'heaven' is

put for 'God' who dwells there."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_Your_Mind..._and_Your_Ass_Will_Follow

http://kingjbible.com/luke/17.htm

http://www.theway.org/index.php?page=home&lang=en

http://godskingdomfirst.org/heaven.htm

Others think there are differences. The following is from the Learn the Bible

website which is sponsored by Antioch Baptist Church of Knoxville, Tennessee:

"In Scofield’s notes on Matthew...he states that the kingdom of God can be

distinguished from the kingdom of heaven in five respects. The characteristics

of the kingdom of God are summarized as follows: The kingdom of God is

universal and includes angels and saints of all ages, the kingdom of God is

entered only by the new birth, the kingdom of God and the kingdom of heaven

'have almost all things in common,' the kingdom of God is chiefly inward and

spiritual, and the kingdom of God merges into the kingdom of heaven when

Christ puts all things under His feet."

That's not exactly clear.

Literary colossus Leo Tolstoy, writer of War and Peace and other monumental

works, published a book titled The Kingdom of God Is Within You.

I found

an online version and scrolled through. Subtitled Christianity Not As A Mystic

Religion But As A New Theory Of Life, it was published in 1894 and translated

by Constance Garnett.

From Part 3: "Christianity recognizes love of self, of family, of nation, and of

humanity, and not only of humanity, but of everything living, everything

existing; it recognizes the necessity of an infinite extension of the sphere of

love. But the object of this love is not found outside self in societies of

individuals, nor in the external world, but within self, in the divine self whose

essence is that very love, which the animal self is brought to feel the need of

through its consciousness of its own perishable nature."

From Part 4: "The position of our Christian humanity, if you look at it from the

outside with all its cruelty and degradation of men, is terrible indeed. But if

one looks at it within, in its inner consciousness, the spectacle it presents is

absolutely different. All the evil of our life seems to exist only because it has

been so for so long; those who do the evil have not had time yet to learn how

to act otherwise, though they do not want to act as they do."

From Part 7: "That is why that Power cannot require of us what is irrational

and impossible: the organization of our temporary external life, the life of

society or of the state. That Power demands of us only what is reasonable,

certain, and possible: to serve the kingdom of God, that is, to contribute to

the establishment of the greatest possible union between all living beings—a

union possible only in the truth; and to recognize and to profess the revealed

truth, which is always in our power."

None of the above strikes me as clear, either.

http://www.learnthebible.org/kingdom-of-god-and-kingdom-of-heaven.html

http://www.fullbooks.com/The-Kingdom-of-God-is-within-you1.html

While exploring Tolstoy, I came upon a Wikipedia entry that led to a surprising

essay he published in 1906 titled “Tolstoy On Shakespeare.”

From Part I: "I remember the astonishment I felt when I first read

Shakespeare. I expected to receive a powerful esthetic pleasure, but having

read, one after the other, works regarded as his best: 'King Lear,' 'Romeo and

Juliet,' 'Hamlet' and 'Macbeth,' not only did I feel no delight, but I felt an

irresistible repulsion and tedium...Several times I read the dramas and the

comedies and historical plays, and I invariably underwent the same feelings:

repulsion, weariness, and bewilderment. At the present time, before writing

this preface, being desirous once more to test myself, I have, as an old man

of seventy-five, again read the whole of Shakespeare, including the historical

plays, the 'Henrys,' 'Troilus and Cressida,' 'The Tempest,' 'Cymbeline,' and I

have felt, with even greater force, the same feelings—this time, however, not

of bewilderment, but of firm, indubitable conviction that the unquestionable

glory of a great genius which Shakespeare enjoys, and which compels writers

of our time to imitate him and readers and spectators to discover in him non-

existent merits—thereby distorting their esthetic and ethical understanding—

is a great evil, as is every untruth."

His reaction to Shakespeare is "repulsion," "tedium," "weariness and

bewilderment," "great evil," and "untruth"? A writer would fail to see the

brilliance of Shakespeare only if he or she was blinded by an ego even more

dazzling. Frank Lloyd Wright had a similar flaw in that only rarely was he able

to discern excellence in a structure of his era that he didn't help shape.

Greatness, oddly, is sometimes accompanied by smallness.

Before moving on, I feel compelled to present the following which I stumbled

upon while looking into Funkadelic's "the kingdom of heaven is within"

proclamation.

It's the source of the "camel through a needle" comparison that sometimes

pops up when doubters discuss the improbability of well-heeled televangelists,

prosperity preachers, and rich fundamentalists making it into the kingdom of

God (or heaven): "One of the more intriguing scriptures in the 'our wealth'

area concerns what we often refer to as 'Jesus and the rich young man,' a

biblical passage which goes like this: As he was setting out on a journey, a

man ran up and knelt before him, and asked him, 'Good Teacher, what must

I do to inherit eternal life?' Jesus said to him, 'Why do you call me good? No

one is good but God alone. You know the commandments: 'You shall not

murder; You shall not commit adultery; You shall not steal; You shall not bear

false witness; You shall not defraud; Honor your father and mother.' He said

to him, 'Teacher, I have kept all these since my youth.' Jesus, looking at him,

Tolstoy On Shakespeare, 1906, Funk & Wagnalls, New York and London. Page 4. Online

at:http://books.google.com/books?id=yJYfDNPQ7vEC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge

_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false

loved him and said, 'You lack one thing; go, sell what you own, and give the

money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow

me.' When he heard this, he was shocked and went away grieving, for he had

many possessions. Then Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, 'How

hard it will be for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God!' And

the disciples were perplexed at these words. But Jesus said to them again,

'Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel

to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the

kingdom of God.' They were greatly astounded and said to one another, 'Then

who can be saved? Jesus looked at them and said, 'For mortals it is impossible,

but not for God; for God all things are possible.'" (Mark 10:17-27, NRSV.)

Although at first this seems like a clear description of a condition—wealth—

that will by itself prevent an individual from being favored by God or Jesus,

probably the slippery-as-petroleum-jelly types who are rich Christians will find

some way to avoid giving away their Earthly possessions.

In fact, what saves them and any believing Christian—even Adolph Hitler, who

supposedly never renounced Catholicism—is plain old faith. As Jesus says in

the above, "...for God all things are possible." So even Jim Jones, David

Koresh, Jim Baker, and other rogues of religion—and it's a long, long list—will

be up there flitting about forever, in the unlikely-to-the-point-of-impossible

event Christians have it right.

But, I digress. Meanwhile, the song is on YouTube.

Lyrics

Free your mind and your ass will follow

The kingdom of heaven is within

Free your mind and your ass will follow

The kingdom of heaven is within

Free your mind and your ass will follow

The kingdom of heaven is within

Open up your funky mind and you can fly

Free your mind, your ass will follow

The kingdom of heaven is within

Freedom is free of the need to be free

Free your mind and your ass will follow

The kingdom of heaven is within

Free your mind and your ass will follow

The kingdom of heaven is within

Free your mind, your ass will follow

The kingdom of heaven is within

http://www.rc.net/wcc/readings/mark1017.htm

Free your mind and your ass will follow

The kingdom of heaven is within

Yeah

Free your mind and your ass will follow

The kingdom of heaven is within

Whoaaaaa!

Free your mind

Will you free your mind?

And your ass will follow

I have never, never, never

Never in my life

Have this given to me

Free your mind and your ass will follow

Free your mind, man, like a newborn

Not like you

You are as free as you want to be

Your ass will follow

Well, I discovered that this life that was given' to me

Is not really mine

Free your mind

If it were mine, I would have fun all of the time

I'm very discontent now

Now, I want a way out, now

I have to find a way

I have to find some way out

Free your mind and your ass will follow

Give it up, give it up

Free your mind

Give it up and give it to me, baby

I'm calling you love

Love

From my heart

Free your mind and your ass will follow

Wowww!

Free your mind and your ass will follow

The kingdom of heaven is within

Free your mind and your ass will follow

Get it on!

Free your mind and your ass will follow

The kingdom of heaven is within

Free your mind and your ass will follow

The kingdom of heaven is within

Free your mind!

The kingdom of heaven is within

Are you satisfied?

I'm so confused about the whole thing

I don't understand it

I can't free my mind

I'm so mixed up

Gonna get it on, etc.

9. "Thank God And Greyhound."

Many of the songs covered in this article are humorous, and this one, recorded

by Roy Clark in 1970 and written by Larry Kingston and Ed Nix, fits the

category perfectly, though perhaps not intentionally.

The lyrics are fairly straightforward in their description of a woman's poor

treatment of the protagonist. It only gets funny when his thanks are directed

toward God and Greyhound. The ethereal and mundane working together to

close a bad relationship.

It was recorded when TV's Hee Haw,

an amazingly corny Laugh-In

imitator

that looked like a Li'l Abner

cartoon, co-hosted by Clark and Buck Owens,

was only a year old. The pair were both major C&W stars when the television

show launched in 1969.

Compared to the slackstick humor of Hee Haw, "Thank God and Greyhound..."

is downright subtle. It was written after The Beatles' "You've Got To Hide Your

Love Away" which uses an outlandish self-assessment—"Feelin' two-foot

small"—that is similar to the concluding and even more outlandish observation

of the second line "...till I feel about one-inch tall." (Visit YouTube [Clark] for

the song).

Lyrics

I've made a small fortune and you've squandered it all

You shamed me till I feel about one inch tall

But I thought I loved you, and I hoped you would change

So I gritted my teeth and didn't complain

Now you come to me; with a simple good-bye

You tell me you're leavin' but you don't tell me why

Now we're here at the station and you're getting on

And all I can think of...is...

Thank God and Greyhound, you're gone

I didn't know how much longer I could go on

http://www.heehaw.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rowan_%26_Martin%27s_Laugh-In

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Li%27l_Abner

Watchin' you take the respect out of me

Watchin' you make a total wreck out of me

That big diesel motor is a-playin' my song

Thank God and Greyhound, you're gone.

Thank God and Greyhound, you're gone

That load on my mind got lighter when you got on

That shiny old bus is a beautiful sight

With the black smoke a-rollin' up around the tail lights

It may sound kinda cruel but I've been silent too long

Thank God and Greyhound, you're gone

10. "If You Don't Leave Me Alone (I'm Gonna Find Somebody That Will)."

Written by Delbert McClinton and Sonny Fortner in 1973, recorded by McLinton

and Glen Clark, and included on the album Subject To Change, Number 10 is

a straightforward—albeit clever—plea for a little space, early 70s style. The

song appears not to be available on the Web; however, the Subject To Change

CD may be purchased at various music sites.

Lyrics

You're scarin' me to death baby with your, your jealous heart

This ain't no way for our romance to start

You keep on telling me to explain myself

'Bout something one of your friends said

About me and somebody else

Your loose-mouth friends, honey

Ain't doin' you no good

And some of them gals you run with

Wouldn't help you if they could

What you do is your business

'Til it starts givin' me chills,

If you don't leave me alone

I'm gonna find somebody that will

I'm gonna find me somebody that will

Well, yeah

Your scarin' me to death baby with your, your jealous heart

This ain't no way for our romance to start

Take it easy baby, don't be so hard on yourself

You know, you're making me nervous causin' danger to my health

What you do is your business

'Til it starts givin' me chills,

If you don't leave me alone, baby

I'm gonna find somebody that will

Gonna find somebody that will

Wha'd you say?

Gonna find somebody that will

Yes, I will

Gonna find somebody that will

Yes, I will

11. "Broad Minded Man."

This bawdy tune from 1973 was written by Jim Owen and recorded by Jim Ed

Brown and the Browns. As it did me, the title might cause you to wonder

about the origin of the slang expression "broad" as applied to woman. It's not

heard as much today.

I visited the always helpful Online Etymology Dictionary and discovered it

doesn't go further back in time, evidently, than the beginning of the 20th

century. The entry at the site reports it might have been suggested by the

broad hips of women or the term "abroadwife," which refers to a woman away

from her husband. It includes the interesting fact that the "rise of women's

athletics" led to changing the name of the track and field event broad jump to

long jump in 1967.

Emerging rights and equality for females in 1973 didn't seem to reach Owen

and Brown who celebrate an ancient pursuit. The protagonist's wife "throws

up a howl" every time he's "on the prowl" and he's sure his mother did the

same.

The last verse is an attempt to lighten the impact the protagonist's

shenanigans might have had on the objects of his lust. He wants any woman

"who's been hurt by something I've done" to know he's "sorry for it all" and

that it "was all done in fun." Life is never as simple as pop. (Visit YouTube

[Browns] for the song).

Lyrics

I’ve been a rascal from the day I was born

And oh what a good life I’ve had

I’ve got more memories than leaves on the trees

And I owe it all to my dad

My daddy was a broad-minded man

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=broad

He had ‘em on his mind all the time

I wanna be like dad in every way I can

I try to be a broad-minded man

I’ve lived in haste attempting to taste

Every drop of life’s sweet wine

So if there’s anything you can name I ain’t done

It’s because I haven’t had the time

I’ve got a woman who don’t understand

She calls my life a shame

And throws up a howl every time I’m on the prowl

And I’m sure my momma did the same

My daddy was a broad-minded man

He had ‘em on his mind all the time

I wanna be like dad in every way I can

I try to be a broad-minded man

I hope there ain’t a girl anywhere in this world

Who’s been hurt by something that I’ve done

If I’ve caused a tear to fall then I’m sorry for it all

Cause I swear it was all done in fun

My daddy was a broad-minded man

He had ‘em on his mind all the time

I’m wanna be like dad in every way I can

I try to be a broad-minded man

12. "Dropkick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life."

This classic in the clever title genre was recorded by Bobby Bare and written

by Paul Craft in 1976. I remember hearing "Dropkick Me Jesus..." when it first

came out and thinking it was strictly for laughs. But now that I'm older, and

a total Nontheist, I'm not so sure. 'Course if Jesus exists and truly is a football

fan, one thing is certain: He roots for the Green Bay Packers. (Visit YouTube

[Bare] for the song).

Lyrics

Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life

End over end, neither left nor the right

Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights

Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life

Make me, oh, make me, Lord, more than I am

Make me a piece in your master game plan

Free from the earthly temptations below

I've got the will, Lord, if you got the toe.

Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life

End over end, neither left nor the right

Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights

Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life

Bring on the brothers who've gone on before

And all of the sisters who've knocked on your door

All the departed dear loved ones of mine

Stick 'em up front in the offensive line

Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life

End over end, neither left nor the right

Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights

Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life

A lowly bench warmer I'm contented to be

Until the time when you have need of me

The flash on the big scoreboard signs from on high

The big Super Bowl way up in the sky

Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life

End over end, neither left nor the right

Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights

Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life

Yeah, drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life

End over end, neither left nor the right

Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights

Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life

13. "I'm the Only Hell Mama Ever Raised."

Number 13, with its great play-on-words title and refrain, was written by

Wayne Kemp, Mack Vickery, and Bobby Borchers and recorded by Johnny

Paycheck in 1977—smack dab in the center of a period when he and others

were labeled "outlaws." Although Merle Haggard—who served time at San

Quentin prison—was probably the most deserving of the title, his "Okie from

Muskogee" seemed to put him completely behind even stupid laws such those

against marijuana and LSD.

In "I'm the Only Hell..." the protagonist's mother tells him "not to smoke it"

which might refer to pot, freebase cocaine (now called crack), or worst of all,

tobacco.

The reference to "Rock of Ages"

had me contemplating exactly what that

song is about for the first time (it wasn't a hymn in the Missouri Synod

Lutheran Church of my naive youth). I always liked the melody and the "rock

of ages" lyric but hadn't really thought about what it meant and missed

entirely the word "cleft" in the song, thinking it was "meant" as in "rock of

ages meant for me."

Now that I've read the lyrics it's obvious the rock is Jesus. Dictionary.com

defines "cleft" as "to split or divide as if by a cutting blow" which

metaphorically works well with the image of Jesus tortured and murdered to

absolve the sins of the protagonist and other believers.

What most Christians don't think about is how Jesus is a human sacrifice

similar in many ways to those carried out by the Maya and other primitive

cultures. The Old Testament has plenty of examples of animal sacrifices and

the practice culminates in a way with the sacrifice of the man-God Jesus in

the New Testament.

Then I backed up to consider "Precious Memories" in the previous line and

have to admit I had never heard of the song although versions of it, according

to a website titled "The Forever Notebook," were recorded by a flock of

singers, from Bob Dylan to Dolly Parton.

According to a web page

that promotes Hamlin, Texas, "Precious Memories"

was written by "John Braselton Fillmore Wright (1877-1959), composer of

about 500 gospel songs...'" Wright was living in Hamlin when he wrote the

song in 1923.

Paycheck himself eventually served time in prison and probably warbled this

tune now and then to understanding fellow jailbirds. Behind a lot of mischief

in the song is that good ole boy the devil, and he plays a role in the next witty

song, too. (Visit YouTube [Paycheck] for the song).

Lyrics

I can't sell my momma short on loving me

I guess that's why she let me go so far

Momma tried to stop me short of stealing

I guess that's why I had to steal that car

She told me not to smoke it

But I did and it took me far away

http://www.gospelsongslyrics.info/Rock-Of-Ages-gospel-song.htm

http://forevernotebook.com/precious-memories-part-2.html

http://www.hamlintradesdayvillage.com/About-Us.html

And I turned out to be

The only hell mama ever raised

I rolled into Atlanta, stolen tags and almost out of gas

I had to get some money, and lately I'd learned how to get it fast

Those neon lights was calling me and somehow I just had to get downtown

So, I reached into the glove box, another liquor store went down

And I sing "Precious Memories," take me back to the good old days

I can hear my momma singing "Rock of Ages" cleft for me

She tried to turn me on to Jesus, but I turned on to the devil's ways

And I turned out to be the only hell my momma ever raised

Well they put those handcuffs on me, Lord how I fought to resist

But the agent's clamped 'em tighter, 'til that metal bit into my wrists

They took my belt and my billfold, my fingerprints, and the profile of my face

Then they locked away the only hell my momma ever raised

And I sing "Precious Memories," take me back to the good old days

I can hear my momma singing, "Rock of Ages" cleft for me

She tried to turn me on to Jesus, but I turned on to the devil's ways

And I turned out to be the only hell my momma ever raised

She tried to turn me on to Jesus, but I turned on to the devil's ways

And I turned out to be the only hell my momma ever raised

14. "Heaven’s Just a Sin Away."

Written by Jerry Gillespie

and recorded by The Kendalls in 1977, "Heaven's

Just a Sin Away" was a Number One hit on the Billboard country singles chart.

The Kendalls were a father-daughter act that began performing professionally

when Jeannie was just 15.

Father Royce died young at 63 in 1998. Looking

at the angelic Jeannie, it's hard to think of her in the grip of Lucifer. The song

has all the characteristics of the bouncy middle 70s disco era that spawned it.

(It's at YouTube [Kendalls] ).

Lyrics

Heaven's just a sin away whoa, whoa, just a sin away

I can't wait another day I think I'm giving in

How I love to hold you tight whoa, whoa, be with you tonight

That still won't make it right cause I belong to him

Whoa, whoa, way down deep inside I know that it's all wrong

Your eyes keep tempting me and I never was that strong

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerry_Gillespie

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Kendalls

Devil's got me now whoa, whoa, gone and got me now

I can't fight him anyhow I'm think he's gonna win

Heaven's just a sin away whoa, whoa, just a sin away

Heaven help me when I say I think I'm giving in

Whoa, whoa way down deep inside, I know that it's all wrong

Your eyes keep tempting me, and I never was that strong

Devil's got me now whoa, whoa, gone and got me now

I can't fight him anyhow I think he's gonna win

Heaven's just a sin away whoa, whoa, just a sin away

Heaven help me when I say I think I'm giving in

Heaven's just a sin away whoa, whoa, just a sin away

I can't wait another day I think I'm giving in

How I love to hold you tight whoa, whoa, be with you tonight

But that still won't make it right cause I belong to him

15. "You're the Reason Our Kids are Ugly."

Written by L.E. White and Lola Jean Dillon who recorded their version in 1977,

this finger-pointer was re-recorded by superstars Conway Twitty & Loretta

Lynn in 1978.

Lynn has an amazingly authentic country history. She was born and spent

her early life in Butcher Holler, Kentucky, which is 126 miles southeast of

Lexington. A "holler" is actually a southern dialect take on the word hollow,

which in the geographic sense, means valley.

Lynn was born on a hill in the

hollow and had seven brothers and sisters, including Crystal Gayle, her

youngest sibling and also a star. She married a moonshiner nicknamed Doo

and Mooney in 1946 at age 13,

had four children by the time she was 19,

was a grandmother at 29,

and became country music's reigning queen by

her late 30s.

Born one year after Lynn, Conway Twitty started out as a rock and roller and

had a hit with the monumental "Only Make Believe," which was released in

1958 and topped pop charts in the US and England.

He co-wrote the song

with multi-instrumentalist Jack Nance who was primarily the drummer in the

Rock Housers, Twitty's band at the time. His group was later renamed the

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90_jUVbg9hk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hollow

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loretta_Lynn

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0528750/bio

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It%27s_Only_Make_Believe

Twitty Birds,

and by the mid-sixties, he switched to country music. He could

still rock out and was an excellent guitarist, as his version of "Johnny

B. Goode" from 1969 demonstrates.

Lynn and Twitty began singing duets in 1971 and soon recorded five Number

1 records.

Their "You're the Reason Our Kids are Ugly" includes several

lines either not in or different from the Dillion and White original. The first

occurs in the second verse and it's great mainly because of Lynn's amazingly

deep southern drawl. When she sings "wires" in the added line, it becomes

almost "wher-ers."

Another striking difference is the change from a mention of Phyllis Diller in the

Dillion and White version to Ruth Buzzi in Lynn and Twitty's. They, their

producers, or record company execs might have been aiming for a younger

demographic with Buzzi who was born almost 20 years after Diller and was

perhaps better known among young people because of her Laugh-In

appearances. (Visit YouTube [Lynn-Twitty] for the song).

Twitty: You're the reason I'm a-ridin' around on recapped tires

Lynn: And you're the reason I'm hangin' our clothes outside on wires.

Both: And you're the reason our kids are ugly, little darlin'Ah, but looks ain't

ev'rythin' and money ain't ev'rythin' But I love you just the same

Twitty: You're the reason I've changed to beer from soda pop

Lynn: And you're the reason I never get to go to the beauty shop

Both: You're the reason our kids are ugly, little darlin' Ah, but looks ain't

ev'rythin', and money ain't ev'rythin' But I love you just the same. I guess

that we won't ever have everything we need 'Cause when we get a head it's

got another mouth to feed

Lynn: And that's the reason that my good looks and my figure is gone

Twitty: And that's the reason that I ain't got no hair to comb

Both: And you're the reason our kids are ugly, little darlin' Ah, but looks ain't

ev'rythin' and money ain't ev'rythin' But I love you just the same

Lynn: Conway, why in the devil don't you go and shave and put on a clean

pair of pants?

http://theband.hiof.no/band_pictures/conway_twitty.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loretta_Lynn

Twitty: But Loretta, look at yourself. Now I wish you'd take them curlers out

of your hair and go put on a little makeup and get out of that housecoat before

supper

Lynn: Ha, well let me tell you something, Conway, considerin' everything what

I went through today, I look like a movie star

Twitty: Eh-he-yeah, Ruth Buzzi

Lynn: Thank you

Twitty: Besides that, all our kids took after your part of the family, anyway

Lynn: Oh they did, huh? What about the ones that's bald?

Twitty: Well, I guess you might say they take after me...

16. "If I Said You Have a Beautiful Body, Would You Hold it Against Me?"

Written by David Bellamy and recorded by the Bellamy Brothers in 1979, this

was the second hit for the duo after "Let Your Love Flow."

When I first heard the song in the 70s or 80s, I thought it was a reaction to

the women's movement which endeavored to rack focus from the female form

to the female mind. I was wrong. Evidently, the line originated with Groucho

Marx on TV's You Bet Your Life in the 1950s.

David Bellamy, who was born

in September, 1950, never forgot Groucho's question and made it the basis

of his song.

Marx had an amazingly quick and comical mind and is well-known for striking

witticisms such as: "Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to

any club that will have me as a member" and "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit

flies like a banana."

The devil, a popular fellow in these witty songs, pops up again in the chorus.

(Visit YouTube [Bellamy Brothers] for the song.)

Lyrics

If I said you have a beautiful body

Would you hold it against me

If I swore you were an angel

Would you treat me like the devil tonight

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bellamy_Brothers

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/If_I_Said_You_Had_a_Beautiful_Body_Would_You_Hold_It

_Against_Me

If I was dying of thirst

Would your flowing love come quench me

If I said you have a beautiful body

Would you hold it against me

Now we could talk all night about the weather

I could tell you about my friends out on the coast

I could ask a lot of crazy questions

Or ask you what I really want to know

If I said you have a beautiful body

Would you hold it against me

If I swore you were an angel,

Would you treat me like the devil tonight

If I was dying of thirst

Would your flowing love come quench me

If I said you have a beautiful body

Would you hold it against me

Now rain can fall so soft against the window

The sun can shine so bright up in the sky

But daddy always told me

"Don't make small talk"

He said, "Come on out and say what's on your mind"

If I said you have a beautiful body

Would you hold it against me

If I swore you were an angel

Would you treat me like the devil tonight

If I was dying of thirst

Would your flowing love come quench me

If I said you have a beautiful body

Would you hold it against me

If I said you have a beautiful body

Would you hold it against me

17. "She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft."

Jerry Reed cut Number 17 in 1982. It was written by Tim J. Dubois, a

songwriter with an unusual background: He has a BA and an MA in accounting

and was a CPA before he started writing songs.

Many of his compositions

are listed at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_DuBois. He must have it all—

the math thing and the language thing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_DuBois

Although Reed is best known for his singing and light-hearted attitude, he was

also a great guitar player. Here's a link to a video featuring him doing a duet

with Chet Atkins.

Many of Reed's hits were story songs, and he does an excellent job of

delivering Dubois' funny lines. The song is sexist and was out-of-date before

it was recorded. Even in the early 80s, there weren't many guys who would

marry just to have someone cook for them. It's a whale of a tale, though.

(Visit YouTube [Reed] for the song).

Lyrics

Listen, guess it was back in ’63

When eatin’ my cookin’ got the better of me

So I asked this little girl I was goin’ with to be my wife

Well, she said she would, so I said “I do”

But I’da said I wouldn’t if I’da just knew

How sayin’ “I do” was gonna screw up all of my life!

Well, the first few years weren’t all that bad

I’ll never forget the good times we had

'Course I’m reminded every month when I send her the child support

And it wasn’t very long till the lust all died

And I’ll admit I wasn’t too surprised

The day I come home and seen my suitcase sittin’ out on the porch

Well, I tried to get in, and she changed the locks!

I seen this note on the mailbox that said

“So long, turkey! My attorney will be in touch!”

Well, I decided right then and there

I'm gonna do what’s right and give her fair share, right?

But I didn’t know it's going to be THAT much!

Well, she got the gold mine!

I got the shaft

They said they were splittin' it all down the middle

But they give her the biggest half

Well, it all sounds mighty funny

But it hurts too much to laugh

She got the gold mine—I got the sha-a-aft. I'm telling you

Hey, listen—you ain’t heard nothin’ yet

Why, they give her the color television set

Then they give her the house, the kids, and both of the cars!

Well, next they start talkin’ ‘bout child support

Alimony, and the cost of the court

Didn’t take me long to see how far in the toilet I was!

And I’m tellin’ ya, they made a mistake

It adds up to more than I make!

Everything I got worth havin’, they’ve already took!

While she’s livin’ like a queen on alimony,

I’m workin’ two shifts eatin’ baloney,

Askin’ myself, “Son, why didn’t you just learn how to cook?”

She got the gold mine!

I got the shaft

They said they’re splittin' it all down the middle

But they gave her the biggest half

Well, it all sounds mighty funny

But it hurts too much to laugh

She got the gold mine

I got the sha-a-aft

Well, she got the gold mine!

I got the shaft.

They said they'd split it down the middle

But she got the better half

Well, it all sounds mighty funny

But it hurts too much to laugh

She got the gold mine—I got the sha-a-aft

Easy boys, let me tell 'em about the shaft

I got the shaft all right

Appreciate that judge, thank ya

One good thing about it though folks

I don’t have to worry about carryin’ a billfold n’more

Mama's gonna to have all the money

Hahahahaha

All I need's a few food stamps—you understand what I mean!

A lot sadness in the world

Boys, if you can figure a way to get me out of this

I think I would appreciate it

Much later, Reed appeared on Parton's Dolly

show and the two did a duet

with a new part from the woman's perspective that's a kick.

(It's at YouTube [Parton-Reed]).

18. "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades."

Written by husband and wife duo Barbara K. and Pat MacDonald when they

were working in Madison, Wisconsin, and released by their group Timbuk3 in

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolly_%28TV_series%29

1986, this New Wave-sounding tune was a Top 20 single and later was

featured on numerous CDs and soundtracks.

The song can be taken at face value as a celebration of the value of majoring

in "nuclear science" or, in general, of pursuing a college degree or as it was

probably intended, a wry commentary on the dangers of life in the age of

nuclear weapons.

Sadly, the creators of this very cool tune were later

divorced. (Visit YouTube [Timbuk3] for the song).

Lyrics

I study nuclear science, I love my classes

I got a crazy teacher who wears dark glasses

Things are going great, and they're only getting better

I'm doing all right, getting good grades

The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades, gotta wear shades

I gotta job waiting for my graduation

Fifty thou a year will buy a lotta beer

Things are going great, and they're only getting better

I'm doing all right, getting good grades

The future's so bright I gotta wear shades, gotta wear shades

I'm heavenly blessed and worldly wise

I'm a peeping-tom techy with x-ray eyes

Things are going great, and they're only getting better

I'm doing all right, getting good grades

The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades, gotta wear shades

Yeah, I'm doing all right, getting good grades

The future's so bright I gotta wear shades, gotta wear shades

I study nuclear science, I love my classes

I got a crazy teacher who wears dark glasses

Things are going great, and they're only getting better

I'm doing all right, getting good grades

The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades

I gotta wear shades

gotta wear shades

19. "Cleopatra: Queen of Denial."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timbuk3

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Future%27s_So_Bright,_I_Gotta_Wear_Shades

This Egyptian-influenced true romance was recorded in 1993 by Pam Tillis,

who received a credit for co-writing the song with Jan Buckingham and Bob

Dipieoro.

Dipieoro is a longtime Nashville songwriter

and at one time

was married to Tillis;

Jan Buckingham also has a lengthy record of

achievement in country music.

"Cleopatra:..." is the story of a woman who

wants her object of affection to be something he is not, hence her regency in

the land of wishful thinking. (Visit YouTube [Tillis] for the song).

Lyrics

Well, I said he had a lot of potential

He was only misunderstood

You know he didn't really mean to treat me so bad

He wanted to be good

And I swore one day I would tame him

Even though he loved to run hog wild

Just call me Cleopatra everybody, 'cause I'm the Queen of Denial

I knew he didn't have any money

Yeah, that's why he couldn't buy me a ring

Oh, and just because he bought himself a brand new pickup truck

Really didn't prove anything

And he never had to say he loved me

I could see it every time he smiled

Just call me Cleopatra everybody, 'cause I'm the Queen of Denial

Oh, Queen of Denial, buyin' all his alibis

Queen of Denial, floatin' down a river of lies...yeah

Well, I'm not gonna jump to conclusions

Or, throw away this perfect romance

Even though I saw him dancin' last night

With a girl in a leopard skin pants

Oh, he's probably stuck in traffic

And he'll be here in a little while

Just call me Cleopatra everybody, 'cause I'm the Queen of Denial

Oh, Queen of Denial, buyin' all his alibis

Queen of Denial, just floatin' down a river of lies

Oh, yeah

20. "2 Become 1."

http://www.metrolyrics.com/cleopatra-queen-of-denial-lyrics-pam-tillis.html

http://www.bobdipiero.com/biography.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_DiPiero

http://www.janbuckingham.com/bio.html

Number 20 was written by Matt Rowe

and Richard Stannard

with help from

The Spice Girls (Victoria Adams, Melanie Brown, Emma Bunton, Melanie

Chisholm, and Geri Halliwell) who recorded it in 1996. It's a highly

romanticized account of the events leading to an intimate relationship.

What's most notable, for me at least, is the lyrical admonition toward the end

of the song, "Be a little bit wiser, baby, put it on, put it on," which seems to

allude to the need to wear a condom. Songwriting as not just a mood-setter

for sexual activity but as an instruction for responsible intercourse in the Age

of AIDS. (Visit YouTube [Spice Girls] for the song).

"2 Become 1" has a breezy pop feel and flow and The Spice Girls bring the

lyrics to life beautifully in the video.

Lyrics

Candle light and soul forever

A dream of you and me together

Say you believe it, say you believe it

Free your mind of doubt and danger

Be for real, don't be a stranger

We can achieve it, we can achieve it

Come a little bit closer, baby, get it on, get it on

'Cause tonight is the night when two become one

I need some love like I never needed love before

Wanna make love to ya, baby

I had a little love, now I'm back for more

Wanna make love to ya, baby

Set your spirit free, it's the only way to be

Silly games that you were playing

Empty words we both were saying

Let's work it out, boy, let's work it out, boy

Once again if we endeavor

Love will bring us back together

Take it or leave it, take it or leave it

Are you as good as I remember, baby, get it on, get it on

'Cause tonight is the night when two become one

I need some love like I never needed love before

Wanna make love to ya, baby

http://www.mattrowe-music.com/

http://www.biffco.co.uk/

I had a little love, now I'm back for more

Wanna make love to ya, baby

Set your spirit free, it's the only way to be

Oh, whoa, oh, whoa

Be a little bit wiser, baby, put it on, put it on

'Cause tonight is the night when two become one

I need some love like I never needed love before

Wanna make love to ya, baby

I had a little love, now I'm back for more

Wanna make love to ya, baby

I need some love like I never needed love before

Wanna make love to ya, baby

I had a little love, now I'm back for more

Wanna make love to ya, baby

Set your spirit free, it's the only way to be

It's the only way to be

21. "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)."

The final song was written and recorded by Big & Rich in 2004. I heard it

performed by a local band at the Wisconsin State Fair several years ago and

immediately liked the catchy refrain.

Clearly, Big & Rich are animal lovers, and I'm right there with them.

Acoustic guitars, a banjo, and a fiddle give the tune a country tinge even

though the distorted electric guitars and big beat are pure rock. A slow

interlude after a Cream-style bridge improbably includes a banjo-picked nod

to "Secret Agent Man," first recorded by Johnny Rivers in 1966 and used as

title music for the television show of the same name, which was a retitled

British show called Danger Man starring Patrick McGoohan.

McGoohan was viewed as having made enough money for his sponsors to get

free reign for a new program called The Prisoner that debuted in the UK in

1967 and the US in 1968. It's the strangest and artiest TV series ever made

but lasted just one season.

"Save a Horse..." is all about the boozy life of honky-tonks and men and

women on the make—a mainstream celebration of legal highs and spur-of-

the-moment romances and a long way from the outlaw country of the 70s.

These guys are happy driving Chevrolets and avoiding the "freak parade," or

so they claim, even though the video for the song is staged as a parade

featuring a marching band, majorettes, and a drum major; cheerleaders;

farmers; bespectacled babes in business suits; a midget; secret service

agents; and a variety of other boogieing participants. No freaks though.

It has to be among the more interesting and entertaining videos produced in

support of a pop song. (Visit YouTube [Big & Rich] for the song).

Lyrics

Well, I walk into the room passing out hundred dollar bills

And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill

And I buy the bar a double round of crown and everybody's getting down

An' this town hain't never gonna be the same

Cause I saddle up my horse and I ride into the city

I make a lot of noise cause the girls they are so pretty

Riding up and down Broadway on my old stud Leroy

And the girls say, save a horse, ride a cowboy

Everybody says, save a horse, ride a cowboy

Well, I don't give a dang about nothing, I'm singing and bling-blanging

While the girls are drinking long necks down

And I wouldn't trade ol' Leroy or my Chevrolet for your Escalade

Or your freak parade I'm the only John Wayne left in this town

And I saddle up my horse and I ride into the city

I make a lot of noise cause the girls they are so pretty

Riding up and down Broadway on my old stud Leroy

And the girls say, save a horse, ride a cowboy

Everybody says, save a horse, ride a cowboy

I'm a thorough-bred, that's what she said in the back of my truck bed

As I was gettin' buzzed on suds out on some back country road

We were flying, high fining, wine, having ourselves a big and rich time

And I was going, just about as far as she'd let me go

But her evaluation of my cowboy reputation

Had me begging for salvation all night long

So I took her out giggin’ frogs, introduced her to my old bird dog

And sang her every Willie Nelson song I could think of and we made love

And I saddle up my horse and I ride into the city

I make a lot of noise cause the girls, they are so pretty

Riding up and down Broadway on my old stud Leroy

And the girls say, save a horse, ride a cowboy

Everybody says, save a horse, ride a cowboy

What? What?

Save a horse ride a cowboy

Everybody says

Save a horse ride a cowboy

The songs in this article show naked apes at their imaginative best.

All happen to be American in origin, but I'm certain many, similarly astute,

wry, and witty musical observations have been written in other languages

and recorded in other nations.

Wit is wonderful because almost without fail it makes us smile, even if its

context is tragic as in "I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised."

Also, other than the practically slapstick "You're The Reason Our Kids Are

Ugly" and "She Got The Goldmine, I Got The Shaft," these songs don't judge

or preach.

They are not mean-spirited, snooty, or sanctimonious and they don't portray

existence, events, or decisions as black or white, right or wrong; they are

familiar with and understanding of our species condition as aware, our

frailties and foibles, our hopes and dreams, our strengths and shortcomings.

My certainty about Jesus' backing The Pack in the astronomically unlikely

event he exists—and is a football fan—is exceeded by my conviction that

great witty songs that should have been covered never came to my

attention, despite my best efforts to find them.

Should you know of one (or more) that is truly a song—not just a title—and

that was recorded by a mainstream act or at least one attempting to find an

audience and make a buck, please e-mail the title and artist to

[email protected].

I'd like to expand the list.

* * *

Since finishing the above, seven more witty songs have come to my attention,

some suggested by friends, others by readers:

“I Caught A Cold in My Heart,” "I've Got A Rose Between My Toes,” “Let’s

Duet,” “Two Divided By Love,” “Two Story House,” “We Too Are One,” and

“Weed Instead Of Roses.”

All are available on YouTube, and someday I might research and write about

them.

[email protected]

February 21, 2019