MBMBaM 370: Dax Don’t Care
Published September 4th, 2017
Listen here on mcelroy.family
Intro (Bob Ball): The McElroy Brothers are not experts and their advice
should never be followed. Travis insists he‟s a sexpert, but if there‟s a
degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also this show isn‟t for kids, which I
mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for
listening. What‟s up, you cool baby?
[theme music, “(It‟s a) Departure” by John Roderick and The Long
Winters plays]
Justin: Hello everybody and welcome to My Brother, My Brother & Me, an
advice show for the modern era. I‟m your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.
Travis: I‟m your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.
Griffin: I‟m your sweet, baby brother and Thirty Under Thirty media
luminary, Griffin McElroy.
Travis: Umm, I have recently returned from a vacation, on which—
During which? Yes, within which, I listened to three different Hercule
Poirot novels.
Griffin: Mmm, now he is, of course, everyone‟s favorite…
Travis: Belgian.
Griffin: Philos— Belgian philosopher.
Travis: Uh-huh.
Justin: I don‟t wanna derail you Travis, but being deeply into Poirot was
sort of my thing.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: No no no, Justin, don‟t get it twisted. I‟m not about to claim that.
But, I have been inspired by the Poirot novels, and also, uh, Sherlock
Holmes stories that I‟ve listened to. I would like to bring back a word in
its original meaning.
Griffin: Ohhh.
Justin: Oh, wait wait wait. Let me hold my breath here—
Griffin: [breathes in dramatically]
Justin: — just to kind of brace myself for Twitter.
Travis: Okay. I already said—
Justin: Okay, go ahead.
Travis: Ejaculated.
Griffin: And then let‟s put it right back, and then let‟s put it right back in
its grave.
Travis: They use it a lot in the books to say like “„My God!‟ I ejaculated”,
and
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: — I think I would like to bring that back. So like, if I was telling a
story and I said like “I was walking down the street and I saw my friend.
„Hey Todd!‟ I ejaculated!”, you know, like that kind of thing.
Justin: Yeah. Love that.
Griffin: And this is not a critic podcast. We‟ve never been critical of one
thing this entire time, except juggling, the juggling arts, and I don‟t know
that we possess the critical faculties required to sort of dissect the original
artist's intent. And so if it‟s like “Sherlock Holmes shouted „Get back here
with my, uh, with my soup, Doctor Watson!‟ he ejaculated”, how are we
to know that he wasn‟t cummin‟ while he was trying to get his soup back
from that squirrelly Doctor Watson.
Travis: “I leaned out the window. I ejaculated „Get back here!‟” You
know.
Griffin: Yeah, maybe it was just Sherlock Holmes was just nasty just
blasting one out the windows of 221B Baker Street. Maybe, who‟s to say?
Travis: I would like you both to try it. Maybe tell a story and try to use it
within the story.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: Okay, my— [chuckles]
Justin: Umm, my, I— Do you have one, Griffin? Do you wanna start, or…
?
Griffin: Yeah, sure. “„Watch, it‟s really hot stuff!‟ And then you heard „I
ejaculated!‟ I ejaculated”.
Travis: [chuckles] That‟s pretty good.
Justin: That was really good. Okay, here‟s my story. “One day, my dumb
middle brother tried to make ejaculated a thing.”
Travis: Mm-hmm.
Justin: “Several days before that, I was at Margaritaville, the restaurant
owned by Jimmy Buffett.”
Griffin: See, this is what I thought— This is what I wanted the
introduction to be. I thought we were going to have a deep Margaritaville
introduction.
Justin: Mmmm.
Travis: Well just, work it in naturally. Work it in.
Justin: No, I did— I already worked it in. You heard it.
Griffin: Just ejaculate, just ejaculate it right into the podcast.
Travis: Right.
Justin: “My brother tried to make the word „ejaculated‟ come back.”
Travis: Uh-huh.
Justin: [with sexy emphasis] Cum back. [laughs] Nice. It‟s a cum back.
Griffin: [with sexy emphasis] Uh-huh.
Travis: [with sexy emphasis] Alriiiight.
Griffin: God.
Travis: God, we‟re all dads! We‟re all adults! Oh no!
Justin: I wanna talk about Margaritaville, but I do wanna say, another
weird quirk of language in Agatha Christie books is that she will often say
“a minute or two” when I have to assume she means “a moment or two”,
because of instances of people being like “So, uh, and anyway Poirot,
that‟s how my dad died”, and it said “Poirot paused for a minute or two
and then replied”. That would be so fucking crazy to think about Poirot
just like barreling them for two minutes straight.
Travis: [laughs]
Justin: Just like “Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. Mm-hmm.”
Griffin: So he‟s a— he‟s the character, not the author.
Travis: She also refers to moustaches as individual moustaches.
Justin: Yeah, like “These are my moustaches, they‟re very luxuriant.”
Griffin: Um, so, Justin, how‟s—
Justin: [exhales heavily] Wasted away.
Griffin: … How‟s James?
Justin: So I rolled up, this is true. The exact same, back on Myrtle Beach,
exact same Margaritaville that brought me so much torment
Griffin: Mecca. The pilgrimage!
Travis: Round two.
Justin: Got back there. Good news, it‟s a little bit more off-season. It‟s a
little bit rainy. Still had to wait 35 stone-cold minutes to get into JB‟s
place.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: You would think I‟d get on some sort of preferential treatment
list, but there was no Joe‟s Crab Shack for me this time. We went straight
there and then just went to the beef jerky store and the wine store that‟s
right across the street.
Travis: Had a wine slushie. It was delicious.
Justin: Yeah.
Travis: Oh, I was with Justin. I should make that clear.
Justin: Travis was with me. Uh, so we go in. We finally get the thumbs
up, come on in, J-man, the water‟s fine. And here, it was more amazing
than I— Okay, so when you first walk in, here‟s what I literally saw when
I first walked into Jimmy Buffett‟s Margaritaville. A giant hurri- like,
tornado, cyclonic cloud. And when I say giant, I mean like 20 feet across,
huge sculpture of a cyclonic cloud, with like flip flops and shark fins
emanating from it, spinning wildly.
Griffin: I‟m scared, I‟m scared of this. It‟s a scary vision. That does not
put me in a chill head space for JB‟s restaurant.
Travis: But wait, wait for the payoff.
Justin: As an upended bottle of, a giant upended bottle of, uh,
Margaritaville-brand tequila dumped into a 15-foot-tall blender, while a
woman clad all in pink and on stilts humped the blender as she shouted “I
love margaritas”.
Griffin: [shocked] Whoa.
Justin: As the song “Margaritaville” played and the cyclonic cloud spun—
Griffin: Jesus…
Justin: And, uh, there was a fake weather report about a hurricane party
headed for Myrtle Beach, that I thought was in poor taste.
Griffin: Yeah, really poor taste, maybe a bit.
Justin: But I‟m assuming it was pre-programmed.
Griffin: Was this a real woman or a statue of a woman humping?
Travis: No, it‟s a real woman
Justin: No, this is a real woman, who was doing some balloon animals for
the kids.
Travis: Yeah, she took breaks from humping the giant blender to make
balloon animals for the kids.
Griffin: Balloons are for kids; the blender sex acts are for adults only.
Justin: Now Griffin I texted you a picture of this happening, so I know
that you know I‟m not lying about it.
Griffin: You texted me some pictures, I don‟t think that I, I guess,
digested them enough. I guess I didn‟t really pore over them.
Justin: There‟s a lot visually to process—
Griffin: [surprised] Wow, heck! Heck! You‟re not joking! There she is!
Justin: There‟s a woman on stilts. Yeah. It‟s true, I‟ll put that on social
media or something. Kinda took a break off the social media. Uh, did get
a huge drink called a “5 o‟clock Somewhere” that tasted like turpentine
and raspberries in a blender cup that I brought home with me to savor
the experience. I bought a, uh, it was raining so bad when I, after we left
the restaurant that I had to go back into the gift shop and buy a $27
Margaritaville-branded umbrella, that Travis and I both—
Griffin: How‟d it hold up? How‟d that protect you from the elements?
Justin: Uh, it was fine. Travis and I had to huddle underneath one
Margaritaville-brand umbrella as we made our way back to our car to pick
up our families. A lot of weird tunes that weren‟t necessarily J— You
would think it would be all Jimmy Buffett music all the time, and a couple
people at our table remarked that like “Hey, they aren‟t playing Jimmy
Buffett music constantly. Why do you think that is?”, and my assumption
is that people work there and they don‟t want to go insane.
Griffin: [laughs]
Travis: [laughs]
Justin: Because I would assume, at the beginning, it was all JB music,
and they just went like clinically chill. Like almost terminally chill, would
be my fear there. So there was some Kenny Chesney in the mix. I think
there was some La Bouche, which was an odd, odd choice. Anyway, the
uh, all the food was great. You paid a premium price for it. The waiter
was chipper and very business-like. Not very chill, I thought, but that‟s
fine „cause speed is of the essence when I‟m waiting for my 5 o‟clock
Somewhere to be delivered to the table. But it was everything I could
have hoped for. JB didn‟t come out.
Griffin: Huh.
Travis: That we know of.
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: Well he‟s busy in the kitchen, cooking up all the bad food.
Travis: The food was great!
Justin: Food was great. And it was, I‟m assuming one of his disguises he
was employing because he likes to watch people really enjoy it.
Griffin: [skeptical] Hmm…
Justin: Now, I did find an old man wearing a large hat that I told my
daughter Charlie was Jimmy Buffett, which she then started loudly
pointing at him and telling everyone at the table who would listen that
there was Jimmy Buffett, that she had found him. I don‟t know if he
noticed this, uh, fun prank that I played on this elderly gentleman.
Travis: I would also, I would say that, yes Margaritaville was a highlight.
We also had another dining experience at a local eatery known as Pirate‟s
Voyage.
Justin: Yes!
Travis: And I realized two things: one, it was an incredible show with
stunts, thrills, chills.
Justin: Original music by Dolly Parton.
Travis: Correct.
Griffin: Wait, what?
Travis: Yes.
Justin: [laughing] You heard me.
Griffin: She did the OST for this pirate-themed restaurant?
Travis: Correct.
Justin: It‟s aaaaaall Dolly.
Travis: There was a spooky, scary number with a giant animatronic Davy
Jones that scared the shit out of my baby. But most of it she was down
with. But I realized, there is a small, infinitesimal chance that one of the
performers at Pirate‟s Voyage might listen to My Brother, My Brother &
Me, and if that is true I wanna say, if you‟re listening to this, it was
incredible.
Griffin: Yeah, great job.
Justin: It was a great— They bring the food out to you, um, “pirate-
style”? Which, I didn‟t know what that meant.
Griffin: What‟s that mean, Justin?
Justin: So, here are some of the items—
Griffin: They steal it, they take it back from you by force, as soon as they
give it.
Justin: I‟m reciting the menu from, like the entirety of the menu from
memory. Uh, it started with “Voyager Vegetable Soup”, which they sell a
mix for in the gift shop, if you would like to get some Voyager Vegetable
Soup, and that was served with uh “Buccaneer Bread”.
Griffin: [unimpressed] Alright.
Justin: The [laughs] The bowl that they had, they brought you the bowl
for soup, but there was no spoon available, and uh my father-in-law
didn‟t, just like left it in front of him „cause he couldn‟t, he just didn‟t
know what he was supposed to do. What they expect you to do was drink
it like mug-like, like a pirate, but he refused to deign to their wishes, so
he just left his Voyager Vegetable Soup to chill.
Griffin: Uhhh, as a gentleman who‟s played Captain Hook in several
permutations of Peter Pan musicals in high school, I‟m very disappointed
in Tommy‟s failure to commit to the bit here.
Justin: They then brought out the, um, the “Half a Roasted Cackler”.
Which, yes—
Griffin: What is that?
Justin: That is chicken. That one‟s chicken, on that one.
Griffin: You‟re killing me. You‟re killing me, Pirate‟s Voyage.
Justin: And there was a, um— [laughs] There was uh “Captain‟s BBQ
Roast” which was just pulled pork, and then they brought out the “Pirate
Herb-Basted Potato” which I think was, they just put “pirate” on there.
Griffin: Yeah. They couldn‟t think of a way to...
Travis: But you didn‟t say the best one. Justin, say the best one.
Justin: Oh, they brought out a “Cob O‟Buttery”, which is what they call
corn.
Griffin: [laughs]
Travis: [laughs]
Griffin: Alright. Well it sounds like you guys had fun.
Justin: A “Cob O‟Buttery”.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: And some “Apple-O-My-Eye Pie”.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: A Cob O‟Buttery. And they, they brought it out in like succession.
So like, first they brought out the potato and that one was just there, and
then they brought out the chicken like two minutes after, and I was under
the impression that, I didn‟t know if I was supposed to be keeping pace.
Like if I should be eating— Like the potato better be gone by the time
they get back.
Um, the last thing I wanted to say was, as we were leaving, there was a
sign for another Dolly Parton similar thing. This was like red pirates
versus blue pirates. It was actually crimson versus sapphire crews and
they had to battle each other for supremacy. As we were leaving, we saw
the sign for Dolly Parton‟s Dixie Stampede, which is a similar thing but
cowboy-themed? And you have to sit on one side of the restaurant or the
other to root for the North of the South. I bet that‟s an awkward hang
right now, eh?
Griffin: That doesn‟t feel good. Yeah, that‟s not a good hang. I might
think that‟s never been a good hang.
Justin: That‟s a kinda awkward hang, Dolly.
Griffin: Yeah, Dolly! Um, I hope you all, it sounds like you all had a lot of
fun on your beach adventure. I had a lot of fun here down in Austin where
I, my son got pinkeye and also I got in an ong bok-style group fight for
two gallons of diesel gasoline. So we‟ve been having a lot of fun down
here in Austin, fighting for gasoline and getting pinkeye.
Justin: I‟m sorry, I‟m sorry about— We missed everything, Griffin. I was
able to emotionally support you.
Griffin: No, it‟s fine. I wasn‟t able to emotionally support you when you
went to these themed restaurants. I wish I could have been there for you
through that.
Justin: And of course, though I should have mentioned it before the
pirate restaurant we went to, our thoughts are with everybody who‟s
affected by the hurricane. Um, I don‟t know if anybody listening was
affected by that. I have to assume at least tangentially some people
were.
Griffin: Yeah, absolutely some folks were.
Justin: Our thoughts are with you again and best of luck, and we hope
y‟all can, uh, you know Texas is tough, and Griffin has taught me that.
Griffin: Oh, I been, we‟ve been seeing lots of that from certain Texas
politicians like “We‟re gonna get that hurricane!” You‟re not gonna get the
hurrica— like, we‟re gonna be cool and stuff and we‟re gonna like help
each other rebuild and support each other and whatever, but you can‟t
fucking kill— You understand that I can‟t go buy the biggest gun at
Walmart and shoot the hurricane and then the hurricane‟s like—
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: Like literally every Texas like conservative is like—
Travis: Come on, Pecos Bill, you can do it. Wrestle that hurricane.
Griffin: [in a shrill Texas accent] “Don‟t mess, don‟t mess with Texas,
hurricane!” You can‟t— the hurricane‟s not messing with Texas, it‟s just
doing what hurricanes do. You can‟t go buy a fucking big, big gun and
shoot it into the heart of the hurricane and the hurricane dissipates and
you‟re like “Oh, Teddy.”
Travis: Have you tried?
Griffin: “Teddy, you got „em.”
Justin: Griffin, have you tried? Did you try?
Travis: Have you tried? Griffin, have you tried?
Justin: Did you try?
Griffin: No, it didn‟t really get up to Austin enough for me to get the, you
know, the heart of the thing. The blender at the heart of this Jimmy
Buffett hurricane.
Justin: They should probably have a different fake newsfeed to play
during the margarita explosion. Like, I‟m assuming that that has probably
occurred to them that like sometimes parts of America, and you know
what, other countries, as long as we‟re talking about it, Jimmy‟s an
international star.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Are being ravaged by hurricanes, so maybe the fake hurricane
party‟s not always gonna be in the best taste.
Griffin: So great all the time. Should we get to the meat of the matter?
Justin: Uhhh, I believe that‟s in order, Griffin. This is an advice show
where we take your questions and turn them alchemy-like into wisdom,
and uh, we‟re gonna start right now, after a brief introduction.
Travis: “„I‟m ready to go!‟ I ejaculated”.
Griffin: Oh boy.
Justin: Okay. “My best friend in the world moved away a while ago.”
Griffin: Start over. You said “my breast friend”, Justin. We can‟t—
Justin: No, I didn‟t.
Griffin: We talked about ejaculation for the first six minutes of this show.
Justin: I didn‟t. We stopped in once at Salem on the way back. There
was a themed restaurant called Twin Peaks.
Travis: Ooooo…
Justin: And I was so excited.
Travis: Nope!
Justin: Until I found out what the “twin peaks” was referencing! And it
was not a good scene for me. It was a restaurant.
Travis: It was, uh, shall we say, oh! Oh, okay. [laughs] There it is.
Griffin: Just gonna dive right into it. Justin just ejaculated that. Please
say this question.
Justin: I just ejaculated that. “My best friend in the world moved away a
little while ago. A few weeks before he left, he offered me his bike that he
said he didn‟t want anymore and didn‟t want to spend time and money
moving. I gladly took the—” That‟s just lazy, by the way, „cause you could
ride it. “I gladly took the bike. A few days before his going away party, his
wife asked me to bring the bike back so they could pack it.”
Griffin: Mmmm…
Justin: “When I asked my friend what the deal was, I thought he gave
me the bike, he said „Don‟t worry about it and don‟t mention it again‟ and
I can keep the bike. The bike wasn‟t brought up again until recently, after
they had already moved halfway across the country, when his wife texted
me asking me when I was going to send them the bike.”
Griffin: Come on.
Justin: “I told them my friend was sending the bike back, but he keeps
insisting I don‟t. His wife seems very annoyed and I have no idea what to
do. Please help.” That‟s from Potential Bike Thief. Woof!
Griffin: How do you send a bike? You go roll up to, you fucking ride it to
FedEx and you‟re like “Do you have a biiiiiiig box for this? And also I need
cab fare for the ride home.” Like, what the fuck?
Justin: I‟m just gonna Forrest Gump this across the country and lead a
revolution of people who are inspired by my, uh, insistence on pedaling a
bike across the nation.
Griffin: This bike life movement is gonna be so disappointed also when
you get there and you‟re like “I‟m done! „Cause it‟s not mine!”
Travis: I have a theory as to what‟s going on here.
Justin: Okay.
Travis: Let me know what you guys think. I think that Best Friend wants
a new bike and doesn‟t wanna move the old bike across the country, but
Best Friend‟s Wife thinks that old bike is still fine, right? And doesn‟t see
the need for a new bike. So Best Friend tells Wife “Loaned it to Question
Asker.”
Griffin: Oh god.
Justin: [heavily exhales]
Travis: And then the plan was once they had moved, be like “Oh, we
didn‟t get it back from Question Asker.”
Justin: Aww, beans.
Griffin: Aww, beans. You‟re caught up in it.
Travis: “I guess I gotta get a new bike.”
Griffin: You‟re embroiled in something so much bigger than this bike
though. „Cause there‟s some—
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: There‟s some Scandal-level deception happening in this couple,
and what Mr. and Mrs. Agent Smith, what are they not saying to each
other? Are they gonna get in a big knife fight in the kitchen when their
identities are revealed? Over this bike, probably.
Travis: You‟ve got a tiny little liars scenario here.
Griffin: You‟ve got a baby liars situation on your hands.
Travis: Itty bitty liars.
Justin: If you are in the middle of two people and they‟re telling you to
do different things, and one of the people, if you don‟t do the thing, you‟ll
be a thief, you should probably defer to that one. That‟s the one that I
would—
Griffin: Flipside though.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: If you have two options and one of the options is you get a sick,
cool new Huffy that you can take behind the Kroger and go up the big
dumpster ramp, I think that might be, that‟s the cool Huffy option. And I
want that one. Can we make that one work? Can we keep, can the Huffy
stay in the picture?
Justin: Yeah, but like the thing is, whenever you visit your friends, Dylan
and Vicki.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Dylan‟s gonna be like—
Travis: [in a creepy voice] “Where‟s the bike?
Justin: “Hey bud.” Vicki‟s gonna be like “You‟re a thief. You‟re a bike
thief.”
Griffin: You‟re a fucking thief, yeah.
Justin: You stole this fucking bike.
Griffin: Let‟s talk logistics.
Travis: Okay.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: The cost of shipping a bike is twice the price of buying a bike
where you are.
Travis: Correct.
Griffin: This is— “Ship me a bike.” I‟m still so c— What?! Nobody‟s ever
shipped anybody a bike. You can‟t ship a bike. It‟s like shipping a car.
Nobody— you can‟t do that. They gotta put it on the bike truck and drive
it away.
Travis: What if this bike, I think we‟re all thinking like maybe, you know,
you bought it at a Toys „R‟ Us or Walmart. Maybe this bike is like a sick,
custom job. Like racing with aaaaall the accessories, you know.
Griffin: A West Coast Customs Huffy.
Travis: Yeah, it‟s got like streamers and like, whatever the actual adult,
good version of like a baseball card in the spokes.
Justin: Sure.
Travis: And like light up wheels.
Griffin: It‟s a credit card. It‟s a credit—
Justin: It‟s an insurance, an insurance card in the spokes.
Griffin: Yeah. [laughs]
Travis: And just the cushiest butt cushion.
Griffin: Mmm.
Justin: I think you, you‟ve alrea— Question Asker, thank you for
listening. You‟ve already fucked up pretty bad in not dealing with this
before they moved away. But, at this point, let‟s be honest. They‟re living
a long distance from you. You‟re probably not gonna maintain that
relationship so well.
Griffin: Yeah, you‟re good.
Justin: I think you need to, I think you need to come clean to the wife,
just to throw that little pipe bomb into the relationship.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Mm-hmm.
Justin: That is, this is officially your friend‟s problem to deal with, and
not yours.
Griffin: The good news is, when you stir up this dookie, you got a means
of exit. [laughs] “Hey, by the way, you‟ve been lying to each other about
the bike. See ya!” Pedal pedal pedal pedal pedal pedal.
Justin: [laughs]
Travis: [laughs]
Griffin: Don‟t worry about it. Maybe, oooo… Let me hit you with this.
Justin: We should‟ve never taught Griffin— When we were teaching
Griffin to ride a bike, we should have never taught him that he had to say
“pedal” every time that he pedaled. Although I will give it to you Griffin, I
do not know how, Michael Winslow-style, one would replicate “sound of
bike being pedaled away”.
Griffin: It‟s like [growls to imitate a bike] That‟s right. And so maybe
there‟s a lot… of cocaine in the bike that the wife put there.
Travis: [laughs]
Justin: Okay. Okay. Yep. Mm-hmm.
Griffin: Everywhere. Everywhere. You fucking go to fill up the tires, you
overfill them. [imitates sound of tire bursting] Explosion. A cocaine
explosion all over yourself. You pull off one of the handlebars when you
take a left over that dumpster ramp behind the Kroger too hard. Pops out
and just like a pixie stick you tore open, just like cocaine cocaine cocaine
cocaine. All over the place.
Travis: “Derek, what do you mean you gave Dave the bike? The jewels
are in the bike!”
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: And then it‟s a whimsical cross-country bike race.
Justin: If the bike is full of cocaine, the wife is certainly horny to be
taking that across state lines, eh? Seems like she—
Travis: Well that‟s why she wants it to ship, Justin!
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Now it‟s on Question Asker.
Justin: Oh my god! So you‟re saying that Wife is using Question Asker as
a... drug mule!
Griffin: An unwilling, unknowing mule.
Justin: “I don‟t know, there wasn‟t cocaine in it when we gave it to him.”
Griffin: “I don‟t know why he‟d fill it up with cocaine. I don‟t know why
he‟d ever do that.”
Travis: [laughs]
Griffin: “He said he‟d be doing some mountain biking and wants some
more weight in it to really grip the road, and I don‟t know why that weight
had to come from that chunky crystal white stuff, but here we are!”
Justin: Here we are.
Griffin: How „bout a Yahoo?
Justin: Hit me.
Griffin: Yeah, this one was sent in by Seth Carlson. Seth Carlson the
Delivery Man?
Travis: Yep.
Griffin: Alright. Sorry, I‟ve got a YouTube ad. And it‟s a video audio
playing… And it‟s of Taylor Swift‟s bad new video, so let‟s just destroy
that. Okay. Stop all flash plug-ins, Siri.
Here‟s one, thank you Seth. It‟s Yahoo Answers user EarlTheGirl asks,
“What are the terms of your friendship contract?”
Travis: Mmm…
Griffin: No additional details needed, or posted. You got a buddy, you got
a new buddy, and of course you can‟t just go into that shit willy-nilly. You
gotta protect yourself and your assets. What‟s the terms of your
friendship contract? “Hey, Jeremy. You seem nice. I‟d like you to sign
some paperwork for me, before we get— Before we go to the big baseball
game, I need to get— I need to protect myself and my assets, in case you
end up being a real jerkzord.”
Travis: Okay, I know one of my stipulations would have to be: You have
to let me know about two out of every three sick hangs. It‟s okay if you
wanna go hang a couple times without me, but like if I find out three
times in a row there were sick hangs that came up and I was not
informed about it, we‟re gonna have beef.
Griffin: And I think if a hang has a certain number of involved parties.
Once it gets over like three of my buds, who are all also on contract with
me.
Travis: Yep.
Griffin: Once that happens, if I do not receive the e-vite then
something‟s broken down in this process. So. What are the terms of your
friendship contract?
Travis: I am allowed to get totally spooked at a scary movie we went to
together and you can‟t post about it on Facebook or make fun of me.
Griffin: Don‟t you dare goof on me like that!
Travis: Right. You know I get spooked.
Griffin: I went and saw Annabelle, shit my pants in the theatre, right
there. Made a real bad soil mess, right there in the theatre. Don‟t you
dare get on Twitter about that!
Travis: Right.
Griffin: „Cause if you do, I‟ll sue you for $50,000 dollars.
Travis: [giggles]
Griffin: For breach of contract.
Justin: I think rule number one is: Don‟t fall in love.
Griffin: That has to—
Justin: „Cause that‟s an issue.
Griffin: That‟s a whole different contract.
Justin: That, you gotta deal with it.
Griffin: Yeah. What are the terms— Now here‟s Yahoo Answers user
WeaselMcWeasel says uh…
Travis: Untrustworthy.
Griffin: Well… that‟s hateful. “Number one; don‟t touch my Coca-Cola.”
Justin: Yeah. For sure.
Travis: Well, hold on. I would say “don‟t touch without permission”.
Griffin: No. When would I ever give anybody permission to drink this
good brown stuff? “Number two; I have the right to kill anyone that
does.” So if you sign this—
Travis: Whoa!
Griffin: … And you touch this good brown drink, and I fucking kill you,
and then I go to court and the judge is like “Ooo, I don‟t know about this.
You killed him.” And I was like “Look at the contract. I had legal authority
to kill him. For touching my sweet Coca-Cola.”
Travis: What do you think your life is like when the best thing you have
going for you is some Coca-Cola?
Justin: [laughs] The most important thing in the world to me, that
nobody better— Not my children. But my Coca-Cola.
Travis: Not my children or my money. My bank accounts, my social
security number, my stocks and bonds.
Justin: You better not lay a finger on my Butterfinger, or is that just like
that‟s accepted „cause Bart Simpson said it?
Griffin: When you tear open the package of a Butterfinger, you are
agreeing to a contract that is printed on every Butterfinger label. Which is
to say, if you touch my Butterfinger— The one who opens it, if they are
not the one who eats it, you have legal authority to kill that second
person.
I just real quick WeaselMcWeasel does have a rule number three. “If you
drink my Coke, see rule number two.”
Travis: Wait.
Griffin: This is a little redundant, I feel. The secret to a good contract is
you gotta keep it so tight, and so saying “Rule number one; don‟t touch
my Coca-Cola. Two; I have the right to kill anyone that does.” And then
having a third rule that‟s just like “Seriously though, number two is… ”
Travis: Griffin, I can‟t fault you there, „cause everyone knows one of the
hallmarks of contracts is how brief and easy to read they are.
Griffin: Right.
Travis: So, yes. Agreed.
Griffin: What about like, um… “You‟re my best friend, forever.” Like best
friends forever sorta clause.
Travis: What about like “If I kill someone, you have to say I was with you
at that time”?
Griffin: That‟s a little…
Justin: That‟s a lot.
Griffin: That‟s a lot actually.
Justin: What if they like to kill people a lot? [laughs] And then it‟s gets
like—
Travis: “Man, you hang out with Jeremy a ton!” [laughs]
Justin: One crime committed and covered seems fair. I feel like most of
my friends could do something once. If it got a, like, a little Dexter-y, I
think I might start to have bigger issues.
Griffin: I just think I would want— Why are we having friendship
contracts, I guess? Why can‟t we just be good to each other?
Travis: That‟s a contract.
Justin: It is. We all signed it. When we were born. Don‟t you remember?
[laughs]
Travis: [laughs]
Justin: With your hand? With your little hand.
Griffin: That‟s what they do when they make your stamp your
fingerprints down.
Justin: Yup.
Griffin: And when you look up and it‟s like, “Here‟s Griffin. 20lb baby.”
Travis: What?!
Justin: [laughs]
Travis: Jesus Christ!
Griffin: “He‟s a 20lb baby and he promises to just be cool about it.”
Justin: Uh, speaking of being cool, I think it‟s time for us to take a trip to
the Money Zone.
[theme music plays]
Justin: Want to start off this week by telling everybody about Zip
Recruiter. Are you hiring?
Travis: No. Yes?
Justin: I‟m always hiring. You never know when I might find someone
else I wanna enlist.
Travis: A-B-H.
Griffin: I‟m hiring friends, and you can apply at ziprecruiter.com.
Travis: Really?
Justin: You can post your job to 100+ job sites with just one click, I
mean you can‟t beat that. It‟s so much easier. And get this, 80% of
employers who post a job on Zip Recruiter to get a quality candidate
through the site within one day. You can find out today why Zip Recruiter
has been used by businesses of all sizes to find the most qualified job
candidates with immediate results. Not immediate, probably. That would
be weird. If someone replies to your job listing immediately, they have
been— They are probably like scoping you out.
Griffin: Absolutely. They are casing you.
Justin: They‟re casing you, that‟s no good. But right now our listeners
can post jobs on Zip Recruiter for free. That‟s right, you heard me right.
For free. Just go to ziprecruiter.com/mybrother. That‟s
ziprecruiter.com/mybrother. Try it for free right now.
Ziprecruiter.com/mybrother.
Griffin: And if you go to ziprecruiter.com and you just search Griffin
McElroy very tall friend, you‟ll find the current opening. Unfortunately,
like, times are tight, so that‟s the only one that we are hiring right now,
and of course the contract is like fuck, like 600, 700 pages long.
Travis: How tall, Griffin? Give parameters.
Griffin: So what I put down on the listing was “as big as my refrigerator”.
So I left a little wiggle room there, „cause you don‟t know how tall my
refrigerator is, but needless to say, it‟s very large. I need a very tall friend
to help me get the big jug up there. It‟s been up there for years! I don‟t
know how I got the damn thing up there. I must‟ve thrown it up there like
a basketball or something.
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: But anyway, I do need a very tall friend to come over here and,
um, get that jug and then, if you do then maybe we can go see a movie
or something.
Travis: Is it a full-time position that you‟re looking for, or just like… ?
Griffin: Not really, just need you to get the big jug from on top of my tall
fridge.
Travis: How often do you need that?
Griffin: Uhh… One time.
Travis: Just one? You‟re not gonna put it back up there?
Griffin: I mean I‟ll be honest, I‟ve got a tall fridge and lots of tall shelves
up in there and there‟s a lot of old, stinky food up there that I just can‟t
get and it makes— The stink goes down, in the cold air. And so I need
someone to help „cause my produce, I just put it in there and then it gets
the stink of these, you know, cream cheese up there. And uh, some
bread.
Justin: What if they wanna go see the movie before they get the big jug
off your fridge.
Griffin: Oh then they‟ll be fired immediately, „cause that‟s not what the
contract says.
Justin: You‟re right. Read the fine print.
Griffin: It‟s all fine print, baby. 700 pages of like font number 4. Hey I
want to tell you all about Lyft. That‟s L-Y-F-T. Because what you do is you
get in their car and they drive you wherever the fuck. And it‟s a simple
formula: happy drivers mean happy passengers. Maybe that‟s why nine
out of ten Lyft rides get a perfect, five-star rating.
It‟s the first ride share platform with tipping built right into the app
because getting tips shouldn‟t depend on your passenger having a
crumpled bill in their pocket, and if you‟re a driver for them, you just keep
100% of the tips and they add up fast.
Drivers have been paid over $200 million. Each! No. Drivers have been
paid over $200 million dollars since the feature was first introduced.
“Man, you have 10 little cigarette boats there.” “Yeah. I made $200
million dollars driving with Lyft, it was awesome.”
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: Uh, anyway, you can join the ride-sharing company that believes
in treating its people better if you go to lyft.com/brother today and you
can get a $500, $500 new driver bonus. That‟s gonna get you a little bit
closer to that cigarette boat. That‟s lyft.com/brother. Lyft.com/brother.
Limited times only. Terms do apply.
Travis: Now when you hear the term “cigarette boat”, do you, like me,
picture the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile, but like cigarette-shaped and a
boat?
Griffin: I just picture a big, ugly boat where I can go and smoke my
Marlboros in peace. Without having, you know, all my co-workers pulling
at my coat. Pulling at my pants, trying to pull my pants down.
Travis: [laughs]
Griffin: Every time I go to the office, I smoke my smokes right there at
my desk, like I should be able to do, and my co-workers come up to me
and just try to rip my pants right off. I want to get on my big old nasty
barge that I got for like 30 bucks, and then just smoke it right there on
the barge, and then swim home.
Travis: Do you guys remember Pepsi Points?
Justin: I was just imagining a boat so filled with cigarettes and the
person driving it is like so happy, „cause they love cigarettes.
Travis: [laughs] “I love the stuff!”
Justin: And they‟re just sailing around the pier like “I can‟t believe I have
so many!” But that‟s dangerous, „cause weather, you know. You get any
sloshing. If you get a cigarette wet, that‟s pretty much it for any
cigarette, I feel like.
Travis: Do you guys remember Pepsi Points? I always picture like a
cigarette boat was a boat you bought with cigarette points.
Griffin: Oh yeah.
Travis: Like if you smoked enough that you earned a boat? With
cigarettes?
Justin: Camel Cash?
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: I got so many koosh balls with those Camel Cash dollars.
Justin: I got a windbreaker just so I could show people like “You can‟t
believe how many I smoked for this!”
Griffin: I like to get on my boat and show off all the fish my cigarette
tricks I do.
Justin: [laughs quietly]
Travis: Wait, what? Do the fish do the cigarette tricks, or you show the
fish the cigarette tricks?
Griffin: I show the fish the cigarette tricks, you dumbass! Why would the
fish do it? They got wet mouths!
Justin: [continues laughing quietly]
Griffin: The fucks, think before you talk. Yeah, Mr. Limpet out there, just
huffing my Marlboros, just chucking them down.
Travis: [laughs]
Griffin: What are you talking about? It‟s a fish! It‟s 100% water.
Travis: Could fish vape?
Griffin: Now fish can vape, yeah. Fish can go digital, for sure.
Justin: I was within striking distance, one additional breath, of beginning
to speak about Mr. Limpet and I‟m so happy that you took that burden
from me. It really means a lot thank you.
Travis: I feel like we talk about M.r Limpet one in five episodes. Is that
true? We talk about Mr. Limpet a lot. [laughs]
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: Yeah, it‟s true. If a dolphin or a whale vaped…
Travis: Mm-hmm.
Justin: Mm-hmm.
Griffin: And this is a question you can have as like a party game at
home, you know like The Minister‟s Cat. If a whale or a dolphin did vape,
would you plug the carb or whatever the fuck into their mouth or into the
blowhole? Discuss.
Travis: No, I think you‟d have to, you‟d have to mouth in, blowhole out.
Justin: That‟s weird.
Travis: But that‟s how you get the sweet tricks, right? Like with your
blowhole?
Griffin: But I think that‟s not a sweet trick. I think that‟s like a standard
vaping protocol for a dolphin or whale or any blowhole equipped, uh,
mammal. Platypus I think has one.
Travis: But I‟m almost certain blowhole isn‟t an in. I don‟t think they can
breathe in through their blowhole.
Griffin: [aggressively] Well that‟s what makes it a trick, Travis.
Travis: Oh.
Griffin: Play with me in the space, will you? For god‟s sakes.
Justin: They do have mouths. Why do dolphins need blowholes? Like,
they have mouths.
Griffin: It‟s greedy!
Justin: It‟s greedy. I mean I guess I have a poop hole, so that poop
doesn‟t have to come out of my mouth—
Griffin: So go to lyft.com/brother, lyft.com/brother. Limited time only.
Terms do apply. Hey, tell me about this next one.
Justin: Limited time only and we‟ve wasted half of it. Sorry.
Griffin: [laughs]
Justin: Time‟s ticking down.
Travis: So, if you love sibling-based humor, which I assume you do
„cause you‟re listening to this show, join the brother and sister Emma and
Luke as they review every Disney channel original movie—
Griffin: Oh fuck yes.
Travis: —one month at a time. That‟s incredible. “Join us as we
completely trash these movies, which are all definite classic works of
cinema and hold special places in our hearts.” Okay, first of all, I don‟t
know how I feel about that „cause I don‟t think I could trash Luck of the
Irish, which I loved as a kid.
Griffin: Yeah, I mean [??] dude.
Travis: Brink!
Griffin: You cannot talk shit about these DCOMs.
Travis: What‟s the one where the youngest, uh, Lawrence brother cloned
himself? Clone of my Own? Clone Wars?
Justin: Clone of my Own?
Travis: No, there was one where the tiniest Lawrence cloned himself.
Griffin: What was it? Jesus, God.
Travis: And I think he did a dance with himself.
Justin: Clone of my Own is such a good name for that movie, I can‟t
imagine that‟s not it.
Griffin: It wasn‟t— I‟m on Wikipedia. Do you hear how fucking frantically
I‟m typing?
Justin: The Other Me.
Griffin, Justin, and Travis: [simultaneously] The Other Me!
Travis: Yes, of course. If you wanna have a probably better listening
experience than you just had for the last 30 seconds, you can search for
their podcast “D-C-OMedy”. So, “D-Comedy”. Disney Channel Original
Movie-edy. I‟ll just spell it. D-C-O-M-E-D-Y. Get it? In iTunes and
subscribe, and then you can follow them at Twitter @DCOMedyPodcast.
So go check that out!
Griffin: Boy, they keep making it— I just Googled the list and I thought I
was gonna know a lot of the things on this list, what with Brink! and what
have you, but it‟s a lot, they‟ve been making a lot of stuff. They made one
in 2013 just called Teen Beach Movie. Couldn‟t get a title going for that
one, huh? Just went with Teen Beach Movie on that one.
Travis: I was excited Timothy Omundson, who was great in a bunch of
things, but I was most excited when he responded to my tweets „cause he
was in Luck of the Irish as the evil leprechaun—
Griffin: Oh no.
Travis: — and I very much enjoyed his performance. I don‟t think I‟ve
ever told him that. Hey everybody, please don‟t tell my sort of Twitter
friend, Timothy Omundson, that I most enjoyed his performance in Luck
of the Irish. Thanks everybody. Bye!
Griffin: 2000! Year 2000. Year 2000. Travel back with me, will you, to
the year 2000. They made fucking 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 of
these fucking things in one year! That‟s one a month! Quints, The Other
Me, Mom’s Got a Date with a Vampire, Phantom of the Megaplex, The
Ultimate Christmas Present, Miracle in Lane 2, Stepsister from Planet
Weird, Rip Girls, Alley Cats Strike, The Color of Friendship, Up, Up, and
Away. All of them! 2000. How‟s your fucking production schedule?
Travis: Holy shit, I saw so many of these.
Justin: We do wanna encourage everybody, make sure to advertise your
podcast with My Brother, My Brother & Me, „cause if we like your format,
we‟ll apparently just start doing it.
Griffin: Just do it. Yup, okay.
Justin: We‟ll do it for you.
Travis: Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century was an amazing movie, and the
guy who played Proto Zoa, I ran into him—
Justin: Here we go.
Travis: — at a cafe in Yellow Springs, Ohio.
Justin: Fucking name— Here, you dropped this name, Travis.
Travis: Well, I can‟t remember his name.
Griffin: Let me pick up this name for you Trav, Proto Zoa, and I‟ll hand it
right back to you.
Travis: He played that.
Griffin: You‟re such a fucking show-off. Hollywood Travis McElroy, always
talking about Proto Zoa.
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: [while laughing] Always talking about his best friend, Proto Zoa.
God, you‟ve changed.
Travis: [laughs]
Griffin: I thought you don‟t live in LA anymore, but you‟ve changed,
always talking about Proto Zoa.
Justin: Once a Hollywood guy, always a Hollywood guy. That‟s what they
tell me.
Travis: God, all these movies are incredible.
Griffin: Um, hey, I‟ve got a personal message for Rebecca and it‟s from
Michael, who says, “Hey Rebecca? Hey. Hey. You know what? You know
what?! You‟re great. You‟re doing a great job of being a human being and
I‟m the luckiest. Happy B-day/secret anniversary/becoming a
mom/official anniversary. I can‟t wait to meet our baby. Oh, also, I‟m in
the bathroom and we don‟t have any toilet paper. Can you get some? I‟ll
wait.”
Now they don‟t have a time, like a preferred time for this message listed
here, but I assume it‟s been a while, and that not only do they have a
baby, but that Michael is just a skeleton in that bathroom, still with poop
all over his butt bones.
Justin: [chuckles]
[music plays]
Speaker 1: Hey Londoners. Do not miss out on your chance to see The
Beef and Dairy Network, Jordan, Jessie, Go!, and Judge John Hodgman
live at the London Podcast Festival from September 13th through 17th.
Tickets are still available. So, realize what you‟ve done wrong and fix it!
Get those tickets! For more information, go to maximumfun.org and
check out the live shows on the right side of the page. Go! Do it!
Justin: Uh, here‟s another question. Wow, we only did one.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Okay, well here‟s the second one.
Griffin: Well, we talked about Proto Zoa for about 40 minutes, so you‟re
not gonna get a lot more content in this one, I think.
Justin: “I recently moved to a new city and one day after work I went
through the drive-thru at a Dairy Queen I‟ve never visited before. When I
pulled up to the window, I immediately recognized the cashier, but I
didn‟t know her name or how I knew her. She also expressed some
similar recognition for me. We talked for a bit and determined we didn‟t
go to school together and are not from the same area. How do I find out
who she is? Is my brain broken?” That‟s from Lost in Louisville.
Griffin: How are we supposed to know this? How are we supposed to
possess this information?
Travis: My suspicion is... that you might be dealing with maybe like a
past-life scenario.
Griffin: Ooohhhh…
Travis: Where you to were like BFFs in Egypt or something.
Griffin: Ooohhhh…
Travis: Either that or you kind of look like somebody they knew, and they
kind of look like somebody you knew, and memory is shit.
Justin: Ooohhhh…
Griffin: Maybe it is Christmas in New York, and you both tried to buy the
same pair of black gloves at Bloomingdales.
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: And then you fell in love, but then you were like “We can‟t, right
now. It‟s not a good time.” And so you write down your name, and love in
the time of cholera, and you send it out there, and if you find it again,
we‟re gonna get back together. But then you forgot. [laughs]
Justin: [laughs]
Travis: [laughs]
Griffin: You both forgot. And then she got to work at Dairy Queen and
you moved there and you‟re like “Hey, you look fami— Is it the serendi—
I think she had a different face. Alright, see yah!” [imitates a car driving
away]
Travis: And this is our movie, 50 First Serendipities.
Griffin: Mm-hmm.
Justin: I heard Travis, when Travis stopped at our house on the way back
to his house, I heard him determine a route home based on proximity to
Dairy Queen.
Travis: This is true.
Justin: Travis, what‟s up with that?
Griffin: Hey Travis, what‟s going on, bud?
Travis: Uh, Dairy Queen‟s my favorite travel food. I think I‟ve talked
about that on here before.
Griffin: You have not. No.
Travis: Oh, well, um. Well, Dairy Queen—
Justin: Yes, yes. Yes, he has, because the dippable chicken strips—
Travis: Thank you.
Justin: — are so dippable and they‟re gravy-centric.
Travis: Yes.
Justin: And we lambasted him for that choice.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: Thank you.
Justin: I believe. If memory serves.
Travis: Here‟s the thing, Dairy Queens, to me, are a little bit mythical
because I have never lived, um, in what I would consider close proximity
to one, and so when I see one I get excited because it‟s not like a
McDonald‟s where there‟s one every 10 feet. A Dairy Queen is like— Oh,
and like a Sonic. You know, a Dairy Queen and a Sonic, you see „em and
are like “Oo! Dairy Queen! Sonic!” and you get excited. At least that‟s
how I am.
Justin: Mm-hmm.
Travis: So when I‟m travelling, if I‟m going out of my way anyways, I like
to plan my route by a Dairy Queen. There‟s nothing funny about it, just a
fan.
Griffin: I can take my coffee mug right now and open up my office
window and throw it and hit a Dairy Queen down the street. This is not an
exotic treat to me, and in fact, I don‟t know how I feel about the Dairy
Queen, „cause if I‟m being honest, hot eats and cold treats? You don‟t—
It‟s unfair that you get to do both.
Justin: Yeah, so well.
Griffin: When I worked at The Country‟s Best Yoghurt, there was a
reason why we‟re The Country‟s Best Yogurt, and it‟s because we weren‟t
also making chicken strips. So we focused on a discipline, on a craft, and
we mastered it and became the best at it.
Travis: Why didn‟t they ever become The World‟s Best Yogurt, Griffin?
Griffin: Well, there‟s this fucking dope spot over in Barcelona, and like,
we know. We all know. It‟s actually required in the TCBY training session,
you watch the video, and then you, you know, practice. You gotta get
seven ounces on the small. You gotta do nine ounces on the medium and
13 on the big, and you gotta practice that until your hand is just muscle
memory. Always seven ounces, always seven ounces. And then you go to
Barcelona, and you eat— It‟s technically gelato there, but hooooly shit.
You eat it and you‟re like “Oh yeah, our shit sucks. Our shit is garbage.”
Travis: Wait, you study abroad at TCBY University?
Griffin: Yeah yeah yeah. For like six months.
Justin: It‟s so you don‟t get a big head. You start thinking you‟re cock of
the walk, making the world‟s best yogurt, but then you go to Barcelona,
and it‟s like “Ah, clearly not.”
Griffin: “Oh, I‟m nothing. I‟m nothing.”
Justin: “I‟m nothing. I‟m a zilch over here.” You know at Dairy Queen,
they have to… Uh, when you get a blizzard, they have to upend the
blizzard in front of you, or it‟s free. That‟s a wild thing, huh? Like, I don‟t
know of any other restaurants that require food-based stunts when the
food is ordered. I can‟t think of any. It‟s not like when you go to
McDonald‟s, and they‟re like, they drop your Big Mac to show you that it
stays together.
Travis: [laughs]
Griffin: [laughs]
Justin: [laughs] As a sandwich. Like, you never have to— Like, at Olive
Garden, they never take a handful of your spaghetti and throw it at the
wall to show that it sticks and it‟s properly cooked.
Griffin: There‟s a place here called P. Terry‟s, it‟s a good little burger
restaurant. Beats the shit out of— and now, don‟t at me. And what they
do is they have to take a drink of your lemonade and a bite of your
burger and a bite of your fries just to prove to you it‟s not poison. Every
time.
Justin: [laughs]
Travis: If they don‟t, it‟s free.
Griffin: If they don‟t, it‟s free, and it‟s also poison. Don‟t eat it.
Justin: [wheezes]
Griffin: How „bout this Yahoo that was sent in by—
Justin: Pre poisoned burgers.
Griffin: Uh, sent in by— they‟re so good, I would still fucking do it.
Justin: Hold on, I wanna hear this Yahoo very bad. I‟m very worried
people have started tweeting Timothy Omundson that Travis didn‟t enjoy
his performance in Luck of the Irish.
Griffin: [claps]
Travis: Oh no! No no no. I loved it.
Justin: That‟s my concern. That Travis just enjoys all your work, but not
your performance in Luck of the Irish. That‟s where my headspace—
Griffin: “Travis said you sucked in that Irish movie, so… ”
Travis: No no no! I loved it. That‟s when I first became a fan. I just don‟t
want him to know that.
Justin: Okay. Okay.
Griffin: Jesus. Okay, so I was about to read this Yahoo, but I saw one in
the suggested questions sidebar and it says “Solve my Harry Potter
riddle. Hint: I‟m not sure where your loyalty lies. Keep your chin up to the
royal skies.” That‟s it! That‟s all that‟s in your riddle. Your riddle sucks so
bad!
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: Your riddle sucks really, really bad. I mean, I think it‟s the Death
Eater mark.
Justin: Give it to me one more time.
Griffin: Uh, “I‟m not sure where your loyalty lies. Keep your chin up to
the royal skies.”
Justin: [thoughtfully] Mmm…
Griffin: He has another one, this user! Whose name is… not appearing.
“Can you solve my Harry Potter-based riddle?” And then there‟s 1, 2, 3,
4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 empty spots. That‟s it! That‟s all it is, it‟s like 11
letters, but you didn‟t tell me what it is! Voldemort? Is that 11? I‟m gonna
assume it is. Asshole.
Justin: [laughs quietly]
Griffin: Alright, anyway. Uh… I‟ve lost the original question. Can we end
the show?
Justin: No, no.
Griffin: This one is sent in by Aaron Keys, thank you Aaron. It‟s Yahoo
Answers user Anonymous, this one is asked by Voldemort, who says
[imitating Voldemort] “Nyaaah!”
Justin: [imitating Voldemort] “Nyah! I‟ll get you, Harry Potter!”
Griffin: “Can you become a celebrity for arguing—”
Justin: [still imitating Voldemort] “Nyah! I put mayonnaise on my fries!
Nyah!”
Griffin: Alright. “Can you become a celebrity for arguing with a celebrity
on Twitter and winning?”
Justin: [laughs] There‟s a lot of motherfuckers seem to think so. Oh
man.
Griffin: “Well, here‟s what I think about global warming, Whoopi
Goldberg.” And then fucking you watch the news that night, it‟s like “He
got her. Got her. Luke James from Des Moines really burned the shit out
of Whoopi today. Oh my god, y‟all gotta see this. He‟s getting a, he‟s got
a book deal. He really went to town on Whoopi‟s just logic here. Really
jumped on all the gaps and the reasoning here of Whoopi Goldberg from
Sister Act.”
Travis: To be fair, this is actually what celebrities hope nobody ever finds
out, which is that that‟s how the mantle passes. You have to win,
specifically a Twitter argument. You can‟t like find Joaquin Phoenix in real
life and be like “Chocolate‟s better!” and like, that won‟t work. But like, if
online you start a fight with Joaquin Phoenix and you win— And that can
be hard to prove sometimes, you have to run it by the judges. And you
win, you get to be in Her 2.
Griffin: Ohhh, you become the celebrity.
Travis: Exactly. And then Joaquin Phoenix is out.
Griffin: That‟s what that weird Joaquin Phoenix movie happened. When
he got a shit done on his face.
Justin and Travis: [simultaneously] Mm-hmm.
Griffin: Was he had a break there because he was talking about like “I
think pitbulls are dangerous” and someone was like “Oh no you didn‟t,
Joaquin Phoenix!” and then the news was like “Did you hear? Jeff James
got Joaquin Phoenix so good, dunked on him so high, and now he‟s the
Her man.”
Travis: Mm-hmm.
Griffin: Now he‟s the Her 2 man star.
Travis: He‟s the herman.
Justin: Do you have to take over the career of the star that you beat in a
Twitter argument?
Griffin: Absolutely. Sister Act 3 starring me, Griffin McElroy.
Travis: It‟s farther than that Justin, it‟s actually that you swap bodies.
Griffin: Oh no.
Justin: Aw boy.
Travis: Yeah, so if you‟ve ever seen a star and it‟s like “Why does it seem
like Zac Efron jumps back and forth between making like Nicholas Sparks
movies, but also Bad Grandpa?” And it‟s because he‟s really bad at
arguing with people on Twitter.
Griffin: Yes.
Travis: And so, it shows like somebody else takes over his body and is
like “I‟m making the new, uh, you know the new beach movie!” and then
another person takes over and like “Aww. I‟m making a movie where I
sail a boat and my little brother died.”
Griffin: That‟s cos he‟s always trying to start shit. He gets on Twitter and
he‟s like “I don‟t know why we don‟t just call Pringles potato chips” and
then somebody‟s like “Ha ha, I‟m famous! I‟m gonna get this fuckin‟ guy!”
Justin: That is a good point, Travis. Thank you for bringing that up. If
Zac Efron ever tries to start an argument with you on Twitter, do not
engage with him „cause he‟s trying to claw his way back up. He‟s starting
low and, uh, you should be careful of that, „cause you don‟t want him to
be like “And now I‟m the assistant manager at Borders!” Like, okay, well,
that‟s fine. And now you have to be Zac Efron, like, in his body. You
understand?
Travis: Yeah.
Justin: It‟s very confusing.
Travis: Definitely. But that‟s why John Cusack‟s always trying to fight
with everybody. He doesn‟t want to be John Cusack anymore.
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: I don‟t… There‟s gotta be some sort of reward, either in this life
or Valhalla, that you get for arguing with celebs, because it‟s literally
every— “@DaxShepard Great day today.” No it isn‟t, you fucker. Like,
first and through 100 response “Fuck you, Dax. It‟s a shitty day. Got him!
And now I‟m the Dax man.”
Like, there‟s gotta be some reason why people are like “I‟ve got, what?
Like 5 billion minutes on this earth, I‟m gonna spend one of them just
dunking right on Dax Shepard from Punk’d.” Like what are we, what are
you guys doin‟? „Cause there‟s other stuff you could be doin‟. You could go
out and try and catch a butterfly or something, and then let it go.
Justin: [laughs]
Travis: Well, Griffin, and that‟s why it‟s sad. They don‟t want to fight with
celebrities. But they have to.
Justin: Go out and catch a butterfly and tell it it‟s wrong about climate
change.
Travis: That‟s the thing is that it‟s the only way to thin the celebrity herd,
Griffin, is if you fight with them and it‟s like, okay. That‟s the only way we
can cycle through new movies. Like how do you think the new CHiPs
movie got made? Because Dax Shepard fought with someone about
whether or not it was a nice day, you know. And like, and then CHiPs gets
made. It‟s the only way we get movies.
Griffin: Dax don‟t, Dax don‟t care. I cannot stress this enough. If you
ever get in a fight with Dax Shepard or enter any celebrity name here,
Dax don‟t care! Dax might even reply and Dax ain‟t gonna care. That
one‟s just gonna roll right off Dax‟s back. His famous, happily married
back.
Travis: It‟s been sneaking up on me lately that I think Dax Shepard
might be, uh, and I don‟t know. I don‟t know anyone‟s mental standpoint,
but he‟s got a pretty good deal going on.
Griffin: He‟s doing okay. Yeah, he‟s doing good. It‟s Dax. And so if you
tweet at him saying, you know, your thoughts about anything that Dax
Shepard has very strong opinions about. Which based on, my only
exposure to Dax these days is those washing machine commercials he
does with Kristen Bell, is just what a good laundry machine is.
Um, he doesn‟t give a shit! Nobody gives a shit! I have people that I know
who tweet at celebrities like “Well here‟s what I think of that movie you
just talked—” He doesn‟t fucking care! They don‟t care! They‟re not gonna
read it and care!
Justin: Yeah, the things that is different about celebrities versus us, and
everybody‟s always wondering “What do they do differently?” is that they
don‟t fucking give a shit. And they don‟t read their replies, and they‟re not
saying— well, except when they are, and that gets a little uncomfortable,
„cause sometimes they definitely do. But—
Griffin: Oh yeah, sometimes. That‟s a good caveat. Sometimes they
definitely care. [cackles]
Travis: I‟ve actually been campaigning on this one for a while: Never
tweet anything, and if someone responds to you, don‟t ever respond “I
didn‟t expect you to read it”. Then why did you tag them in it?
Justin: Yeah, tagged them right in it.
Travis: You don‟t have to at them if you don‟t, like, that‟s like handing
me a note and then being like “I didn‟t expect you to read the note”. You
handed it to me! Just keep it in your pocket!
Justin: There‟s a certain level of pseudo-celebrity where you read „em all,
and there‟s, I don‟t know anybody on this podcast that‟s in that camp.
Griffin: [cackles]
Travis: Not anymore. Not anymore, bro.
Justin: Uh, yeah. It got to be too much at some point, but I do still dip in
there. And you know the funny thing about it is that the ones I seem to
notice and remember are the mean ones. That‟s weird, isn‟t it? That
seems weird to me. But, thank you for all your kind tweets.
Griffin: Just reading about— I‟m on Dax Shepard‟s feed right. I‟m trying
to find—
Justin: What‟s he into?
Travis: How‟s he doing?
Justin: What‟s he up to?
Travis: [muttering] Dax… Dax Shep— Oh.
Justin: We cannot have a show where two thirds of the people—
Travis: He‟s @DaxShepard1! Couldn‟t get @DaxShepard. Oh. Who‟s
holding—
Griffin: Yeah, find me the original Dax Shepard.
Travis: Oh! Hasn‟t tweeted. Just sitting on it since April 2009.
Justin: Dax. Dax, talk to them. Hey Twitter.
Travis: And it‟s— oo! Ooo! The description is “Punk’d. Employee of the
Month. Without a Paddle” et cetera. It ain‟t you. That is not
@DaxShepard.
Griffin: Dax, if you want it, it‟ll just cost you one night with you, Dax
Shepard. Come on.
Justin: Come on.
Griffin: Come on, you want this tweeto? Come fuck this Dax, please.
Justin: [wheezes]
Griffin: Come Punk’d this butt, please. Punk my butt, Dax! “Happy
Birthday Kristen Bell” and then a million tweets of people like “Great, love
this wedding. Love this marriage”. I don‟t think he— maybe he does care.
I don‟t know. I can‟t, I‟m so deep down the Dax-hole right now. It‟s just,
if you‟re listening to this podcast, if you‟re under the power of my voice,
don‟t tweet at Dax Shepard.
Justin: Please.
Travis: But do follow him.
Griffin: Absolutely. A source of great insight and comedy.
Justin: We did talk about Without a Paddle for a couple minutes a few
years back and I don‟t thing any of that was admissible in friendship
court.
Travis: Nope.
Justin: At least I hope not.
Griffin: Tough shit, dude. We burnt like four bridges there: Dax, Seth,
the Scooby-Doo one. [laughs]
Justin: [laughs] So good on Twin Peaks, by the way, Mr. Lillard., if you‟re
listening.
Travis: Everybody‟s great. All— you know what? I‟ll go on record: All
celebrities, except the racist and terrible, problematic ones, are great.
There. I said it. They‟re all great. They all make good work, unless they
are incredibly problematic, at which point they are not great.
Griffin: They‟re not.
Justin: Not great at all. You heard it here first. [laughs]
Griffin: And sometimes they go from the first group into the second
group, and that‟s challenging.
Justin: If they did, we knew it the whole time.
Griffin: We did.
Justin: And we retroactively didn‟t mean them.
Griffin: Fuckin‟ Tim Allen ejaculates into group two and I‟m like “Mm,
called it!” [laughs]
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: [imitates Tim the Tool Man Taylor growl, twice] “I‟m a piece of
shit!” Uh-huh, called that one. Gotcha, Tim. I got Tim on that one!
Justin: [cackles]
Griffin: And then you‟re like “Fuck you, Tim”. He doesn‟t care.
Justin: He don‟t care. He doesn‟t care.
Griffin: Now, that‟s a man with a Twitter bio right there is Tim Allen. Um,
this is so good. [cackles] Tim Allen just, his bio says “Santa? Buzz
Lightyear? The Tool Man? Mike Baxter? Hey, I‟m still that wise-cracking
kid from the mid-west, looking for answers to life‟s big questions.” You‟re
Buzz Lightyear.
Travis: “And doing time for selling drugs.”
Griffin: You‟re Buzz Lightyear! Your header image if Santa Claus looking
lovingly at Buzz Lightyear.
Travis: [laughs]
Griffin: You are not the wise-cracking kid from the mid-west, you are
Santa and Buzz Lightyear and the Tool Man, and whoever the fuck Mike
Baxter is.
Justin: [laughs] If you look at Tim Allen‟s Twitter header, it is [chuckles]
It is so buckwild because it‟s Santa Claus in the middle, and then Buzz
Lightyear to the right, and then a blank void to the left, as if he‟s leaving
room for another treasured character that he may create in the future.
He‟s just constantly—
Griffin: The other treasured character is him. [sarcastically] “A wise-
cracking kid from the mid-west, just looking for answers to life‟s big
questions.” My dude, you are looking in all the wrong places, „cause your
shit sucks now, Timothy. It might‟ve always sucked, but now you‟re just
kinda being a little bit more public about it. Sliding right into group two. I
knew it. I knew. I was the one who knew about Timothy.
Justin: [laughs] He also has a picture of himself as an M&M and it says
“Tim&M”, uh, that‟s on his Twitter. There‟s a lot of great things—
Griffin: [sarcastically] What great content!
Justin: — and not so great things waiting for you on Tim Allen‟s Twitter.
Griffin: Oh, lot of bad content actually, hmm. “Try this. Try this.” From
August 19th. “Try this. If Jimmy cracked corn and no-one cares, why did
we sing a song about him?” Looking for answers! To the big ones, the
questions. „Cause that‟s me from the mid-west, a wise-cracking kid, not
Buzz Lightyear.
Travis: I wanna address something on his Twitter feed. He tweeted a
while ago, and a lot of people addressed this. He tweeted “If we evolved
from apes, why are there still apes?” Okay. And some people said “That‟s
not serious, he was joking”, and then he did, the next day, tweet
“Comedy ain‟t pretty and just some not so funny”. And then, on the 18th
tweeted “Maybe I will do the „ape evolved‟ bit at the gig in wonderful
Paramount Theatre in Illinois”.
Now here‟s the thing, one of two things is possible. Either he sincerely
tweeted “If we evolved from apes, why are there still apes?”, or he
thought that was a hilarious joke! And the second one is more trou— like
“Aw, his classic „If we evolved from apes, why are there still apes‟ bit”.
Griffin: Yeah. Well, that‟s how he does it. He‟s looking for answers to
life‟s big questions. Questions like “If we evolved from apes, why there
still apes?”, and then a billion people on Twitter are like “Tool Man, you‟re
a fucking idiot”, and then he‟s like “Okay, so that‟s not one of „em”.
Travis: [laughs]
Griffin: “That big question‟s still out there about the apes. You know
what though? Apparently people got a real rise out of it. I‟m gonna do it
at my comedy show. My bad comedy show that you paid $30 to come
see.”
Justin: [chuckles]
Griffin: Doin‟ stand-up, huh Tim? [laughs]
Travis: [laughs]
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: Gotta see that wise-cracking kid from the mid-west for $30 at
Aurora, Illinois.
Travis: [imitates deep Tool Man laugh]
Griffin: People just fucking shitting their pants, screaming “Yes! Grunt
more! You‟re not Buzz Lightyear! You‟re a wise-cracking—” [breaks into
breathless laughter]
Justin: [breathless] “Is that Santa?”
Travis: No!
Justin: “Santa‟s here on stage with us!” It‟s not Santa. Don‟t be fooled.
Griffin: It‟s just a— [laughs] He‟s a [laughs] That‟s not Santa up there,
that‟s just a humble, wise-cracking kid. He‟s just—
Justin: [wheezes]
Travis: “He‟s gonna ejaculate up there! Hilarious!”
Griffin: “Is that Mike Baxter, whoever the fuck that is?” No, that‟s just
Tim. Just Tim.
Justin: I think that‟s from his whack new show that we‟ve somehow
allowed to continue for many, many years. Many years longer than Last
Man Standing should have been standing. Um, so that‟s gonna— If your
kid looks at Tim Allen and says “Is that Santa Claus?”, things have gone
terribly wrong.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Things are gone desperately wrong for you, as a parent. [imitates
Tool Man growl]
Griffin: Santa Claus is and always will be John Hammond from Jurassic
Park, the actor man.
Justin: That, uh, that‟s gonna do it for us on this episode of My Brother,
My Brother & Me. We hope you enjoyed yourself, uh, and had a good
time. Is there anything we wanna talk about this week? Anything going
on?
Griffin: Uh, yeah. I need lots and lots of Yahoos. Please. „Cause we‟re
about to do three shows back-to-back this coming weekend, in New York,
DC, and Boston. I think tickets are all sold out on this leg, um, but if you
wanna come see us in October? November. You can still get tickets I
believe for the Milwaukee show, I think Minneapolis is donezo. You can
find ticket links and everything at mcelroyshows.com/tours? Is that right?
Justin: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Griffin: We have other shows on that thing, including a new show that
me and Rachel are doing, well it‟s sort of a revamped version of Rose
Buddies, that should be launching this week, which I‟m very, very excited
about.
Justin: Excellent. Uh, we wanted to make two quick notes about those
shows this weekend. Sometimes at those shows, tickets are released, like
a very very limited number of tickets are released at the window, so if
you wanted to try for that, that may be a possibility. There‟s no
guarantees, it may not happen. I know it has happened in the past, so
just so you know. Also, um, we have traditionally gone out after the
shows to sign things and what have you. I don‟t think we‟re gonna be
able to do that so much anymore after the shows because—
Griffin: Yeah, not during these tours. It‟s gonna be real tight.
Justin: It‟s just tough „cause we have shows every day, so we kinda have
to go back and sleep and then drive the next day. So we probably won‟t
be hanging out after those, which I only mention „cause I don‟t want
people waiting „round, thinking that we‟re gonna be popping out to sign
stuff, and I‟m sorry about that. But also we‟re travelling with like families
and stuff, and it gets really tricky to keep everybody there so late, so that
is the deal with that, just so y‟all know.
Travis: I also wanted to let everybody know, um, here in Cincinnati, at
the Know Theatre in Cincinnati, I am, starting in November, teaching a
weekly class about podcasting called “Podcast 101”. And so even if you‟re
not in Cincinnati, and it is already sold out in Cincinnati, but we‟re also
going to be videotaping it and then sending links to the videos to people
who sign up.
It‟s $100 for six hour and a half long videos about podcasting. If you‟re
interested in checking out the details and maybe signing up, you can go
to bit.ly/podcast101video and sign up for it there. Uh, let‟s see. What
else.
Griffin: I want to thank John Rodrick and the Long Winters for the use of
our theme song “(It‟s A) Departure” from the album “Putting the Days to
Bed”. John has been kind enough to let us use that song for like, six years
now and I cannot imagine our show without it, so thank you John and the
Long Winters.
Travis: Oh, along with sending in Yahoos, if you‟re gonna be at the
shows, make sure you send in regular questions too, and put in the
subject, uh, which show you‟re going to be at, so we can sort them
easier.
Griffin: I don‟t think we‟ve ever promoted this on here, but Justin and I,
and Travis pops in a lot too, we do videos for Polygon. If you go to
polygon.com/youtube you can check out all of the different videos that we
do there. Justin and I have a series called Monster Factory, we play Player
Unknown: Battlegrounds every Tuesday. We live stream it for like a
couple hours and Travis usually joins in, in a series called Awful Squad.
You can watch like a bunch of archived videos of that. It‟s a very very fun
little series.
Justin: And that link is also youtube.com/polygon, not the inverted one
that Griffin just said.
Griffin: What‟d I say? Polygon.com/youtube?
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: Oops, that‟s not right. Yeah, youtube.com/polygon.
Justin: That‟s not a thing.
Griffin: Um, yeah. So how about that final?
Travis: Wait! I have one more thing, I just remembered! Quick! If you‟re
in Cincinnati, or the Cincinnati area, my friends and I are organizing a
puzzle-themed pub crawl, where you go from you know bar to bar and
solve puzzles and get points and compete and that kind of thing. We‟ve
got one coming up September 12th. If you would like to check out all the
details you can go to puzzlecrawl.com and sign up.
Griffin: Okay, this final one was sent in by Morgan Davy. Keep it wavy,
Morgan Davy. It‟s Yahoo Answers user Anonymous, um… Timothy Allen
asks “Is fidget spinner masculine or feminine in Spanish?”
Justin: [chuckles]
Travis: [laughs quietly]
Justin: My name‟s Justin McElroy.
Travis: I‟m Travis McElroy.
Griffin: I‟m a wise-cracking kid from the mid-west, looking for answers to
life‟s big questions, Griffin McElroy.
Justin: This has been My Brother, My Brother & Me. Kiss your dad square
on the lips.
[theme music plays]
Maximumfun.org
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Speaker 1: Absolutely. You‟re absolutely right. You said it actually better
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Jesse Thorn: Bullseye. Creators you know, creators you need to know.
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